Happy Mother's Day aka I Have Some Issues with my Mother

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androbot01
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14 May 2017, 3:58 am

I am trying really hard to push these thoughts from my mind. Maybe if I write them, I can let them go. As it's mother's day (God I hate these artificial celebrations invented by Hallmark) I want to make my Mom feel loved, which I do.

Thing is I'm pretty sure my Mom would have been way better off without me and she knows it. She was not really there much when I was growing up. I was one of those "latch key" kids who ate lunch at home alone - Alphaghetti. She was working on her degree and spent most of her time at the University. She went through a bunch of men, one of whom was my science teacher, which was awkward. Finally she settled on my ex-step-father with whom she joined forces to get me to leave home when I'd finished school. Unfortunately I was not prepared for that and ended up in an abusive relationship with an older man for almost a decade before I got it together enough to leave. At one point early in the relationship I realized it was abusive and asked my mother if I could come back home. She said yes, but my stepfather said no, so that was the end of that.

Now, of course, she is just an old woman and quite confused most of the time. I am staying with her while I finish my course, but it is a situation that isn't working for either of us. Yesterday she asked me to speed up my progress on my course so I could start earning some money. My course is really hard and I'm doing it as fast as I can.

I am still bothered by her comments to my psychiatrist that my father left her because he did not want to have any more children with her.

And then this week my step-mother tells me that she has sold the condo she and my Dad lived in before he died and has moved in with a neighbour on the 8th floor. Last March.

I dunno. I'm thinking that these people are toxic to me. When I finish my course (which will be sooner than my mother thinks) I may take my cats and head to the West Coast.



BuyerBeware
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15 May 2017, 12:44 pm

These people clearly have some attitude problems (which seem to revolve around self-pity and self-service) that are absolutely not your fault, and nothing to do with you other than that they impact your life.

As far as making her feel loved goes?? Screw it-- you can't make anyone feel anything. Their feelings are up to them. Say "I love you," thank them for the good things they have done for you (however few or accidental they might have been), provide a (preferably heartfelt) token of affection-- choose it yourself if they don't ask for anything.

And don't worry too much about it. We're responsible for our own behavior and how it may impact others-- but we're responsible for our own emotions too, and that includes them.


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androbot01
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16 May 2017, 1:13 pm

BuyerBeware wrote:
... we're responsible for our own emotions too


I agree with you. I am struggling with anger right now. I had a meltdown on Sunday and have not felt the same since. Just crying, but I felt like a pit opened up inside me. I am just behaving as usual, and, like you say, moderating my emotions (with the help of my "as needed" extra Seroquel.)

My Mom is a nice person. It's hard to share such a small space, but it will only be for a few more months.



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20 May 2017, 2:41 pm

At first you were getting along okay in the new place, but now you're finding it hard living with each other. I wonder if you are just feeling blue and antsy, and Mother's Day - and Mother - are what your thoughts are landing on for a cause. I would like to remind you that wherever you go, there you are. In other words, you might find lots of new problems and challenges on the west coast, too.

What are you doing every day to give yourself some joy? This is not a trivial suggestion. Some people just are not structuring their lives to include many reliably pleasant things, and learning to do more of that can make a big difference. (see, e.g., Peter Lewinsohn, "The Pleasant Events Schedule.")

Do you feel any guilt for the effects you may have had on your mother? I am not suggesting you should, but if you do, please consider that she will need family support as she continues down the path of her age-related decline. When an adult child becomes a caregiver for a parent, their roles reverse, which is an opportunity for growth and even for forging a new type of relationship. If you move out, who will look after her?

I hope you are having a good day.


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androbot01
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20 May 2017, 3:33 pm

Her health is becoming more of a concern for her as she does continue to decline both physically and mentally. In 2001 she, my husband (ex), and I moved to Kingston. My husband had gotten a better job here and my father (now deceased) and stepmother lived here. As well there is a connection with my mother's sister-in-law's brother. For a brief time, my uncle and aunt lived here, but have since moved back to my hometown of St. Catharines. Well, now I'm divorced and my father is dead, and my stepmother has sold their condo and moved in with a new guy. I have discussed this with my mother, and she agrees. It's time for us to go back. Not to St. Catharines as I really don't like it there, but somewhere in the neighbourhood, preferably by the lake. She is very pleased about this as she wants to be closer to her family (both brothers are in S. Ontario.)

At the same time, I find that I am actually nearing the end of my course. I am thinking in terms of booking my certification test, which you have to do 3 months in advance. I don't want to finish the course and then have to sit around practicing flash cards while I wait to sit it.

The West Coast will have to wait for now, as it is not the right time. I'm thinking maybe Niagara-on-the-Lake. But I'll have to get working first to see what I can afford.

If we can get along, Mom and I will probably stick together as she really does need to be supervised (which we are both coming to realize.)

My medication change seems to be settling too and I find that I am more rational, but a little sadder.