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I sabotaged my relationship

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banana247
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18 May 2017, 9:47 am

I think I self sabotage my friendships before things get too close, because I'm afraid of the deeper pain that will happen when the relationship gets destroyed at a later stage. I think that I believe that my relationships can't last because I will ultimately scare people off once they start to see too much of me. Eventually the bad comes out.

I just upset my friend by something i did impulsively because i was frustrated with myself and trying to pass the blame onto others... this prompted her to bring up other things i've recently said that hurt her feelings. She said I was being childish like middle school and she doesnt have room for that in her life. The thing is, i had actually BEEN angsting over those things and whether i had offended her and had wanted to bring it up and apologize! But in the past, when i've asked people if i had upset them, THAT'S the thing that makes them upset because they say, "why are you making something out of nothing". So i refrained from bringing it up and tried to just move on. Sigh.

The faint light in all of this is that i correctly interpreted her behavior and identified that she was upset, and then i assessed my own behavior and correctly traced myself back to the cause... But, since I didn't bring it up with her and apologize, i still managed to sabotage things. We had only been texting, so i thought i should call to explain and apologize, but she was already working and i could only leave a voicemail. She didn't respond, so I suppose i'll leave it alone now. We were becoming good friends too and i was so happy :-( I would never hurt her on purpose.



pmccully
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18 May 2017, 11:14 am

I'm sorry I can't directly help but I can commiserate. I sabotaged my relationship with my ex? boyfriend. I didn't know how to ask for what I needed and I really tried. He now wants to take a break and blocked me on face book. He left me at 2pm on my birthday instead of going to a movie I wanted to see, being very inconsiderate. He then apologized later and we decided to take a break because my head is so messed up right now due to 6 months of total burnout. This all sound so juvenile to me. I wish I could not feel anything. I wish i didn't turn 38 and that I wasn't overweight and that this job wasn't so dull I'm writing in a forum. I'm talking to a counselor this weekend to help me get used to the idea of being alone for the rest of my life and not being special to anyone. All the stupid tropes people say about breakups and relationships make me so angry they are so minimizing how i feel. I wish I could just iron my emotions flat rather than feeling like I've been sick for days.



banana247
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18 May 2017, 11:57 am

I'd like to believe it can get better. Have you been seeing a counselor regularly? I was diagnosed a few years ago and it was recommended that I see a therapist, but it's too expensive and I'm in college. I'm close to graduating now the first thing I'm planning to spend on once I have an income is to get find a therapist and commit regularly.

I feel like having someone to work stuff out with and hold me accountable who is NOT one of the people with whom i'm trying to build a relationship will help a lot.. time will tell...



Summer_Twilight
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18 May 2017, 2:59 pm

Maybe you need to let her know that you are afraid of getting hurt by her later in the friendship even though you love her to pieces and find nothing wrong with her.



futuresoldier1944
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18 May 2017, 4:54 pm

banana247 wrote:
I think I self sabotage my friendships before things get too close, because I'm afraid of the deeper pain that will happen when the relationship gets destroyed at a later stage. I think that I believe that my relationships can't last because I will ultimately scare people off once they start to see too much of me. Eventually the bad comes out.

I just upset my friend by something i did impulsively because i was frustrated with myself and trying to pass the blame onto others... this prompted her to bring up other things i've recently said that hurt her feelings. She said I was being childish like middle school and she doesnt have room for that in her life. The thing is, i had actually BEEN angsting over those things and whether i had offended her and had wanted to bring it up and apologize! But in the past, when i've asked people if i had upset them, THAT'S the thing that makes them upset because they say, "why are you making something out of nothing". So i refrained from bringing it up and tried to just move on. Sigh.

The faint light in all of this is that i correctly interpreted her behavior and identified that she was upset, and then i assessed my own behavior and correctly traced myself back to the cause... But, since I didn't bring it up with her and apologize, i still managed to sabotage things. We had only been texting, so i thought i should call to explain and apologize, but she was already working and i could only leave a voicemail. She didn't respond, so I suppose i'll leave it alone now. We were becoming good friends too and i was so happy :-( I would never hurt her on purpose.


I think that I may have done something similar to a new friend of mine who I really like. It's hard for me to make friends and I immediately clicked with him like I rarely click with other people my age. So I don't know why I would subconsciously sabotage my budding friendship with him. However, I think that he may have been doing the same thing and maybe not subconsciously. When we first met, my friend was as nice and friendly to me as he could possibly be. He even told me that I had another friend in him. But after our intense first four hour outing, my friend's behavior toward me totally changed. And his behavior was made worse by my own Asperger's-related behavior towards him which eventually pushed him to break off contact with me. I think that he simultaneously wanted to be friends with me, but he was also afraid of getting close to me. My friend must have some kind of issues, but I don't know what his issues are. He might have a condition like Asperger's, bipolar, depression, or something else. Or his underlying issues might be something else entirely. And it would just be the luck of both me and my new friend that we would each meet somebody who has issues of his own. Our respective personal issues have collided with each other and I don't know what the collision will eventually bring. I'm hoping that the collision will bring something good, but I fear that it might bring something bad.



Chronos
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24 May 2017, 9:09 pm

banana247 wrote:
I think I self sabotage my friendships before things get too close, because I'm afraid of the deeper pain that will happen when the relationship gets destroyed at a later stage. I think that I believe that my relationships can't last because I will ultimately scare people off once they start to see too much of me. Eventually the bad comes out.

I just upset my friend by something i did impulsively because i was frustrated with myself and trying to pass the blame onto others... this prompted her to bring up other things i've recently said that hurt her feelings. She said I was being childish like middle school and she doesnt have room for that in her life. The thing is, i had actually BEEN angsting over those things and whether i had offended her and had wanted to bring it up and apologize! But in the past, when i've asked people if i had upset them, THAT'S the thing that makes them upset because they say, "why are you making something out of nothing". So i refrained from bringing it up and tried to just move on. Sigh.

The faint light in all of this is that i correctly interpreted her behavior and identified that she was upset, and then i assessed my own behavior and correctly traced myself back to the cause... But, since I didn't bring it up with her and apologize, i still managed to sabotage things. We had only been texting, so i thought i should call to explain and apologize, but she was already working and i could only leave a voicemail. She didn't respond, so I suppose i'll leave it alone now. We were becoming good friends too and i was so happy :-( I would never hurt her on purpose.



It's a lot easier in life to take responsibility for the things you have done. When you try to pass the blame for those things to others, you really just fooling and alienating yourself. Those you are trying to blame know what they did and didn't do, and what you did and didn't do, and are not going to believe they did something they didn't do.

While it might be difficult to face your imperfections and take responsibility for your actions, doing so often earns you respect among others, and it gives you more control over your life.

As for self sabotaging because you are afraid of getting hurt if you get to close, you don't have to get close to people if you feel uncomfortable doing so. However, you don't have to destroy the relationship either.



cberg
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24 May 2017, 9:15 pm

I think this speaks for itself.
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