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ScottK
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07 Jun 2017, 5:50 pm

I consider myself demisexual. I have my types, but if I don't have a strong emotional connection with the guy the sex isn't satisfying. I need that connection. In the meantime, someone who isn't my type who I don't find attractive at first, the more I get to know him and the stronger the romantic feelings grow, the more attractive he becomes. I have come to a point where I won't have sex if there is no connection.



Tripodologia
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13 Nov 2017, 2:37 pm

First, I'd like to add that the people who say "modern labels are useless" obviously have never found themselves in a situation where current labels don't apply to them, leaving you feeling completely out of place because of it until you happen to find a label that suits you (and which connects you with others who feel the same way and understand). Imagine people would go "ND labels are useless, we're all different in our own way so no need for that"? It's fine if you personally don't need labels that go beyond the traditional ones, but that doesn't mean that everyone feels the same way.

I am demisexual, and to me it has nothing to do with it being a preference. I don't experience sexual attraction towards strangers - full stop. It's not that I "prefer to know the person better before having sex with them". It's just that I simply won't feel any type of sexual attraction before that happens. I have never been able to partake of the "one-night stand" culture, because I could never find someone I'd be attracted to in the context of a party / a pub / a club, etc. It's not really that I didn't want for that to happen... sometimes I've tried to go out with friends and see if I could make it (since everyone kept telling me how much fun it was, etc.) but it never happened (and it wasn't because people wouldn't approach me). I always felt left out, boring, and weird because of it, so I never really talked with people about it.

I realised that when I am with friends who are not demi/asexual, they tend to "scan" the place where we are, looking for people who are "hot"; my brain never does this. I basically pay no attention to people around me and I cannot really tell when someone is traditionally perceived as hot. I also cannot understand when friends show me pictures of people they find to be hot just by their looks. My brain just sees a person with physical attributes that may be more or less aesthetically pleasing, but it *never* connects that to sexual arousal. My only way to physically experience sexual arousal is by establishing an emotional/intellectual connection first, otherwise it simply won't happen.


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Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 67 of 200
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kraftiekortie
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13 Nov 2017, 2:43 pm

I'm a little bit of both.

I feel sexual attraction to strangers.

But I would only have sex with someone if I feel an emotional bond with her.



Tripodologia
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13 Nov 2017, 3:15 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I'm a little bit of both.

I feel sexual attraction to strangers.

But I would only have sex with someone if I feel an emotional bond with her.

If you can feel sexual attraction / arousal to strangers, you’re not demisexual (by definition). If you want to have an emotional bond with someone before having sex with them, that’s a preference (if I understood you correctly).

Experiencing sexual attraction, and wanting to have sex are two different things.


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Really enjoyed being a yellow-throated woodpecker while it lasted.

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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 139 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 67 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


Closet Genious
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13 Nov 2017, 4:13 pm

Tripodologia wrote:
First, I'd like to add that the people who say "modern labels are useless" obviously have never found themselves in a situation where current labels don't apply to them, leaving you feeling completely out of place because of it until you happen to find a label that suits you (and which connects you with others who feel the same way and understand). Imagine people would go "ND labels are useless, we're all different in our own way so no need for that"? It's fine if you personally don't need labels that go beyond the traditional ones, but that doesn't mean that everyone feels the same way.

I am demisexual, and to me it has nothing to do with it being a preference. I don't experience sexual attraction towards strangers - full stop. It's not that I "prefer to know the person better before having sex with them". It's just that I simply won't feel any type of sexual attraction before that happens. I have never been able to partake of the "one-night stand" culture, because I could never find someone I'd be attracted to in the context of a party / a pub / a club, etc. It's not really that I didn't want for that to happen... sometimes I've tried to go out with friends and see if I could make it (since everyone kept telling me how much fun it was, etc.) but it never happened (and it wasn't because people wouldn't approach me). I always felt left out, boring, and weird because of it, so I never really talked with people about it.

I realised that when I am with friends who are not demi/asexual, they tend to "scan" the place where we are, looking for people who are "hot"; my brain never does this. I basically pay no attention to people around me and I cannot really tell when someone is traditionally perceived as hot. I also cannot understand when friends show me pictures of people they find to be hot just by their looks. My brain just sees a person with physical attributes that may be more or less aesthetically pleasing, but it *never* connects that to sexual arousal. My only way to physically experience sexual arousal is by establishing an emotional/intellectual connection first, otherwise it simply won't happen.


I approve.



The_Face_of_Boo
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13 Nov 2017, 5:06 pm

Tripodologia wrote:
First, I'd like to add that the people who say "modern labels are useless" obviously have never found themselves in a situation where current labels don't apply to them, leaving you feeling completely out of place because of it until you happen to find a label that suits you (and which connects you with others who feel the same way and understand). Imagine people would go "ND labels are useless, we're all different in our own way so no need for that"? It's fine if you personally don't need labels that go beyond the traditional ones, but that doesn't mean that everyone feels the same way.

I am demisexual, and to me it has nothing to do with it being a preference. I don't experience sexual attraction towards strangers - full stop. It's not that I "prefer to know the person better before having sex with them". It's just that I simply won't feel any type of sexual attraction before that happens. I have never been able to partake of the "one-night stand" culture, because I could never find someone I'd be attracted to in the context of a party / a pub / a club, etc. It's not really that I didn't want for that to happen... sometimes I've tried to go out with friends and see if I could make it (since everyone kept telling me how much fun it was, etc.) but it never happened (and it wasn't because people wouldn't approach me). I always felt left out, boring, and weird because of it, so I never really talked with people about it.

I realised that when I am with friends who are not demi/asexual, they tend to "scan" the place where we are, looking for people who are "hot"; my brain never does this. I basically pay no attention to people around me and I cannot really tell when someone is traditionally perceived as hot. I also cannot understand when friends show me pictures of people they find to be hot just by their looks. My brain just sees a person with physical attributes that may be more or less aesthetically pleasing, but it *never* connects that to sexual arousal. My only way to physically experience sexual arousal is by establishing an emotional/intellectual connection first, otherwise it simply won't happen.


Stop claiming to be some form of higher pure being.

Quote:
I realised that when I am with friends who are not demi/asexual, they tend to "scan" the place where we are, looking for people who are "hot"


Not everyone does that, at least adults don't do that; last people I knew who do this were teen colleagues back in high school.


Quote:
My brain just sees a person with physical attributes that may be more or less aesthetically pleasing, but it *never* connects that to sexual arousal.


Adults dont' get horny over pictures, you are projecting.



Tripodologia
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14 Nov 2017, 2:18 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Stop claiming to be some form of higher pure being.


When did I claim such a thing? Talk about projecting...

Quote:
Not everyone does that, at least adults don't do that; last people I knew who do this were teen colleagues back in high school.


Also never claimed that everyone does this.

Would you like it if people would go "stop claiming to be some kind of special snowflake human being!! ! you're not autistic!! !" - stop invalidating other people's experiences just because you don't feel the same way they do.


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Really enjoyed being a yellow-throated woodpecker while it lasted.

-

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 139 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 67 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


nick007
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14 Nov 2017, 5:29 am

I'm sort of demisexual. I don't really get sexual attraction outside of a serious romantic realtionship. I fall in love hard & fast thou but I don't really have a desire for sex until we're serious. I didn't really do anything about it when I was single besides try & avoid romantic relationships with women who were kind of sl#tty for lack of a better term/phrase off the top of my head. Those types of women weren't really that interested in me either thou. I did get uncomfortable when others would talk about sex offline & was quiet but I was kind of quiet anyways & considering my issues people probably wouldn't of been that surprised if I told em I never had sex or really wanted it.


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TheSpectrum
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16 Nov 2017, 10:49 pm

rabidmonkey4262 wrote:
So, does anyone else have limited sexual attraction? What do you do about it?

I have no idea, I have just been pushing girls away over the last couple of years because it always boils down to sex and like you it takes months before I'm comfortable. Round here anything past the 2 or 3 date mark and you're considered some sort of weirdo.


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Cat23
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18 Nov 2017, 12:07 am

[quote="Tripodologia"] I also cannot understand when friends show me pictures of people they find to be hot just by their looks. My brain just sees a person with physical attributes that may be more or less aesthetically pleasing, but it *never* connects that to sexual arousal.

I agree about pictures I have to see a person move to find them attractive but sounds like u have it more than me. I do find ppl attractive so far 1 in the last 10years and then its all horrible because the level of intensity to be united with the person mind body and soul is just ridiculous and would be impossible to reciprocate so best avoid the situation all together. Plus all relationships for me end in the man being annoyed at my inability to prioritise cleaning, cooking, families etc they want to talk about their “days” and my day (which is pretty boring for me as well as for a them as I’ve just lived it). In short I’m destined to destroy any relationship I have with domesticity.



grainneokeefe483
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13 Jul 2018, 12:24 am

I am HIgh Functioning on the spectrum and have been questioning my sexuality since I started University in 2016. Now a thing I have always known about myself is though I have the capacity for sexual thoughts, and desires. I often do not have them unless I have a deep emotional connection with a person or have known them for a while, whether or not this is me being Demisexual or just an autistic person who's been hurt by a lot of people in the past I am not completely sure. However, I have been really researching demisexuality for about a month now and have been looking back on my experiences with people specifically guys (I am heterodemisexual) over the years and the more I think about whether I am or not, I can't ignore the fact that the only sex I have had is with two ex-boyfriends who I had extremely deep connections with (one of whom I am still friends with). I also cannot ignore the fact that when I go looking for people to talk to after a breakup I'm always asked for hookups and I say yes to appease the other person when my soul screams no and that it won't fulfill me to be that way with a person I have no meaningful connection to.



HistoryGal
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13 Jul 2018, 9:12 am

Hi Boo, I like your posts even ones I don't agree with. Maybe I like those the most because it gives me a chance to learn something.

I have seen the male gaze. Many do scan rooms to look for attractive women.

Men get turned on by pictures here in the States....pornography.



Tequila
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13 Jul 2018, 9:16 am

HistoryGal wrote:
Hi Boo, I like your posts even ones I don't agree with. Maybe I like those the most because it gives me a chance to learn something.

I have seen the male gaze. Many do scan rooms to look for attractive women.

Men get turned on by pictures here in the States....pornography.


It's learning. I don't recommend learning about sex from porn. I use a lot of textual material these days.



kraftiekortie
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13 Jul 2018, 9:25 am

I used to think that I wanted to shag every Evelyn, Jane, and Tammy.

But one incident in particular proved to me that I am, actually, a demisexual.

I might have fantasies---but I only act on them if I actually really esteem the other person.



nick007
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13 Jul 2018, 9:44 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I used to think that I wanted to shag every Evelyn, Jane, and Tammy.

But one incident in particular proved to me that I am, actually, a demisexual.

I might have fantasies---but I only act on them if I actually really esteem the other person.
I relate to that. I had fantasies about having sex as a teen but I think it was mostly due to curiosity, the idea that I'm supposed to lose my vCard & bad OCD. I didn't really want it because I was attracted to the women except for with both my exes & current girlfriend. The ladder two are not conventionally attractive but I was & am majorly attracted to them. They may not look like the women in porn I watch but I think that's a very good thing.


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kraftiekortie
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13 Jul 2018, 9:46 am

I've never had a girlfriend who looks like one of those "porn princesses."

I like women who look like people, personally----though definitely on the feminine side.

I've been turned on by many more "average-looking" women than "model-looking" women.