Demisexual and autism

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Demisexual: someone who can only experience sexual attraction after they first form a strong emotional attachment. For me, it can take months. I don't experience "crushes" or "love at first site". I don't even know if I'm attracted to someone until I've been dating them for a while. Demisexuals don't "fall" in love. That implies passivity. For us, it's more of an uphill climb.

I have Asperger's and I'm sure I'm demisexual. While my social skills are decent enough to hold down a job and survive in this society, they're still lacking when it comes to forming meaningful connections. I don't experience sexual attraction to either gender unless I first befriend the person for a long time. The problem is by the time my mind is ready for a more romantic relationship, the other person has either lost patience or just permanently placed me in the friend zone. The initial hurdle is always using my deficient interpersonal skills to form the friendship. Even if I succeed in befriending them, I still don't know if I will eventually form a romantic attraction. I'm 30 and I've only had two serious romantic relationships. It's because I only feel attracted to other people once every 4-5 years if I'm lucky. Sometimes I think life would be a bit easier if I could just spontaneously feel attracted to someone without all this extra work.

So, does anyone else have limited sexual attraction? What do you do about it?

I've never heard of that term before, but it sounds like me.

I think I might be either demisexual or asexual. I don't really find people "hot", per se. I only feel an attraction toward people who actually want to talk to me and take their time to listen to what I have to say. Sadly, there aren't many people who want to do that because I lack social skills. I also have the disadvantage of being considered unattractive, so I'm not someone people rush over to talk to. I might develop somewhat of a "crush" every now and then, but so far I have never had sexual feelings toward a single person in my life. I have never been in a relationship, and I honestly can't even imagine myself being in one. I just live life without worrying about it too much.

I've been examining how to tell someone I'm (basically) demi & while that's not totally implicit yet I find it's really important to acknowledge she might need some of the same time to work out where I'm coming from. It's worthwhile to philosophically relate.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I rarely have sexual thoughts at all. The rare times it happens are after I've had intellectually stimulating conversations with the opposite sex. That's well after friend-zone has been established by both parties. In the age of 'bone, groan, two week booty loan' I try to establish that zone pretty quick to alleviate misinterpretations. It's not an issue for me since as I said earlier I rarely have sexual thoughts.

You're not necessarily in the same boat as me, since it's not really an issue for me, but I do have one suggestion. The people you tend to eventually be attracted to, your 'type' so to speak, find one of that type and just give it a go until that attraction actually kicks in. Basically fake it until you make it. Who knows, maybe that attraction will kick in sooner if you're in a relationship. Yes there's some morally ambiguous aspects of that approach, such as are you treating your faux-partner correctly by being with them when you have no feelings, but your relationship experience requires experimentation since it's low, and I would say that's acceptable myself. Just don't tell the other person until you actually feel the attraction lol.

I really don't think I'm truly asexual or demisexual, even if I sometimes claim to be asexual. I certainly do feel sexual attraction, and I have a normal (or even hypersexual) sex-drive, but as soon as I get a crush, or get to know a girl, I'm no longer sexually attracted to her, and that is irreversible. That means I cannot have meaningful regular (typical) sex with a partner, which is a good reason to claim to be asexual, although not really true.

I can also identify with demisexual in the sense that I think intelligence is an important trait in a romantic partner, but it cannot reverse the process of no longer being sexually attracted to somebody I know too well.

I also get crushes very seldom, typically only once per decade or something like that. Still, I cannot even imagine getting into a relationship without a crush, since a crush is essential for obsessing about somebody, and forming a strong bond.

Actually, I've discovered that I can have regular sex with somebody if I have a spiritual connection, so I think that is typically what is missing, but then I would have sex based on the spiritual connection, and not based on sexual attraction. So, yes, in a way, a strong connection formed over a longer time could make sex pleasurable, provided a spiritual connection is formed.

I think I might be demisexual, but I'm not sure. All the websites I've read up on just copy and paste each other, and basically say what you've said...so I don't know if I'm just interpreting the wording wrong, or if I'm something else. I can easily find someone to be sexually attractive, but if we were actually alone together and she tried "putting the moves on me", so to speak, well, I might as well be a homosexual if there's no emotional bond first.

So obviously, there's no way I could enjoy the typical male lifestyle of "go to bar, pick up drunk woman, take advantage of her, hope she doesn't get pregnant, hope she doesn't have diseases, never call again". Somehow, I don't really feel like I'm missing out.

I don't usually date a girl until we've been friends for a while first (provided she actually sticks around that long), so it hasn't been that big of an issue for me...and fortunately, most girls don't seem to be in too much of a hurry to get intimate, so they don't usually mind if I mention something about wanting to take things slow.

The real problem is if that "deep emotional bond" happens to break...it's pretty difficult to deal with =|

Sounds like me. But I also actually get disgusted/uncomfortable when someone tries to get close to me too fast. Is it a part of this?

I met a guy on a dating website, we dated for a while and eventually I realized it just won't work out - I was uncomfortable when he tried to hug me and I had no idea what he is planning when he was trying to kiss me - I couldn't read the mood at all. So we moved to being just friends and we have been friends for 3 years since then. And recently I am kind of starting to like him. But I am not sure if he is still interested and well... I still remember how uncomfortable it was at first so I am afraid of giving him an OK again. Not to mention I still don't like his smell(he does sport so every time we met he smells of sweat ).

And I already was attracted to about 6 people that were originally just my friends.

But I can feel attracted to some people I don't know well. For example there was a guy in my college that I sort of hated (he was always trying to "fix" me and smelled of cigarettes, typical partying NT) but he had a habit of touching my head as he passed by as a form of "hello" and it felt really nice. True - my head is a sensitive spot and it feels nice even when I am touching it but the current "friend" just can't make it feel nice. I wonder if he is just afraid of accidentally hurting me, is over/undersensitive to touch or we really lack compatibility.

Oh. And I do feel attraction(not "love" but a strong curiosity) on the first sight for a specific type of people - they are just too rare for a relationship to be possible because I am picky when it comes to personality and they are often messed up. Non-binary people(those who you can't see at first glance if they are a boy or a girl).
So perhaps I am primarily skoliosexual, secondarily demisexual?

Alright. I found it. https://www.bustle.com/articles/155277- ... demisexual

Now I know what demisexual is, I've heard of it but never really knew what it was.

That said I don't think I am demisexual but I might have tendencies. I mean I can experience sexual attraction before I really know someone....but sex has always been better for me with guys I have gotten to know. With my current relationship and two in the past we did get to know each other more before having sex. But aside from that I've met guys I had sex with on the first 'date' who either sort of led me on or we had sexual relations and they just moved on before I could call them a boyfriend. I have certainly noticed the sex I've had before getting to know a guy, is not particularly enjoyable and not particularly un-enjoyable just meh...but when I've done it with guys I got to know first it is very much enjoyable.

I wouldn't say I'm exempt from attraction to girls I don't know personally but the ones I know/love more often than not date more girls than me themselves. 'Demi' simply fits my ways of introspection.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

It's tripping my friends up. I'm loyal by default because I'd be lost any other way. People already wrote off such a lifestyle before it died so I guess I'm a surprise.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I don't like the term and holding it up as a separate sexual orientation I think is a very broad brush for something that is really just personal to individual as to why they are the way they are, I think the same with asexuality. All deviations from the norm don't happen innately, some people unfortunately have to carry baggage they never asked the carry.

As a guy it's pretty easy to see people I don't know as attractive but getting to know the person more might turn me off or intensify the feelings, where others are putting a sexual orientation I attribute more to disability and trauma than innate part of myself. Not a place someone wants to stay, I guess I can see how it might feel better to think of it differently.