Maybe I am going to go :(

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The reason I asked him to call me 'commanding how and when he expresses affection', as you term it. Is because I am literally on the edge of a breakdown with this house situation. I'm AS too and this huge change at short notice has kicked the s**t out of me.

Right now I need just a lot of extra support -which I'm mostly getting from friends because I know he would find that too much. (How can you therefore suggest I have no consideration for him?)

Asking him to call me -we only talk two or three times a week- isn't a big ask.

He didn't call me or even text to explain he was too busy and so I , once again, felt let down.

I called him to arrange to meet up later this week, he had already booked himself up for the small amount of time he was back in town. Despite the fact weeks ago I asked him if we could spend this time together since I see him so infrequently. Failing to do this communicates to me the message that he isn't interested in spending time with me.

Also just because YOU are AS does not make you an authority on all men with AS.

"once you've met an aspie....you've met one aspie."

You might want to point out that being a workaholic has its' perks.

So what would you call it when you refer to a very plain-spoken "I don't want a relationship" as "the biggest cop out piece of crap I hear from the mouths of blokes". Because that's not leaving. That's the opposite of leaving. That's "I'm getting a relationship from him whether he likes it or not!"




Which is tragic and I'm glad your friends are helping you. But again, this is the guy who does not want to have a romantic relationship with you, does not call himself your boyfriend, whom you openly dated other guys in front of and who seems content to keep your contacts to sporadic sexual encounters, and with whom you are currently threatening to break up unless he deepens his emotional attachment to you. I don't see how he owes you emotional support in this time of need, and if he thought of himself as your boyfriend, I'm sure he would volunteer it.




Well, first I read your posts. Then, I simply point out that this is the first thing you mention doing with him in mind...and it's something you DIDN'T do.




Whether that's too much to ask or not is not up to you.




Did he, at any point, say "Yes, I will see you at time X", and then not follow through? Because short of that, he is free to be both unable and unwilling. Frankly, you seem to have already made up your mind about breaking up with him, and now you're trying to find a way to make it his fault.




Which is exactly why I neither do nor did call myself one. I can only appear in my own person. But seeing as I'm both male and aspie, whereas you are only one of those, I am what one might call a reasonable facsimile.

And I'm well aware that this guy isn't me. I, for one, would never have put up with the violation of trust and loyalty that is suggesting we date other people. If indeed I thought of you as my girlfriend to that point, I would not afterwards.

Hi Copelandia . . . . Firstly I'm sorry you're having such a s**t time at the moment. Hope you're looking after yourself and getting plenty of support from friends around you.

My view on your relationship I think (I may be mistaken) within your posts you have said you love this man, and you have also said that you know he cares for you. These are the most important things in all this. Maybe he has been super crap over all your current anxiety. Maybe or maybe not this from him being an a***hole or from not coping with emotions due to his AS. I would suggest now is the not the time to make decisions. Take some time away.

If you two truly care and love each other you can find a way through this. It takes compromise, forgiveness and understanding and generally these come easier if you really care for someone.

Sorry a Fluffy NT reply but what I genuinely believe. At the the end of the day only you two know what will work for you and what won't.

The moment someone says, "i don't want a relationship"... Walk away... Being the occasional shag will not make em change their mind.
What you currently have, to me, just sounds like a fwb scenario that is easily disposed of and doesn't require much thought, nor indeed angst.

Try to stay positive. Focus your energies on getting out of the hole you are in. I don't see the advantages to discussing whether you should leave someone or not that's never been there to begin with... when you have bigger fish to fry. So to speak.

It does seem like regardless of why exactly he is not able or willing to give you what you want in a relationship that is the reality of it, so best route still does seem to be breaking it off.

Maybe the past open relationship status does have something to do with it, like due to that he just can't see it as ever being something serious and exclusive with you. I mean how is he to know you won't want that in the future....or maybe he just can't get over that you saw other guys while you two were technically still seeing each other. Did he also see other women during this open period?

I mean as much as I love my boyfriend, I could see an open relationship attempt ruining what we have.

But could still just be he's not interested in the same sort of relationship...like he'd rather have someone who'd be on call for him to contact at his own leisure rather than someone who wants him to commit to a serious LTR and get to the parent meeting stage with. But either way it sounds like its just not meant to be...I know a break up can be hard, but then again it sounds like you hardly ever see him so perhaps not quite so bad as if you lived with him or saw him like every day.

Maybe I should suggest we take a break and come back to the situation in a month/6 weeks and see what we both feel/want at that point. My mind is fried. I can't carry on as we are - I agree its closer to a 'friends with benifits' situation than a relationship and that is not what I want.

If he is still all casual after some time apart I just won't bother with him anymore. Maybe that time apart will make him miss me and reconsider.

I do really believe does care- possibly he's just figured he can get what he wants with this little effort so why put any more in? Or his AS makes it hard and we've been s**t at communicating. Maybe I've been too accommodating of his AS instead of sticking to my guns a bit more?

We went out before and went our separate ways/broke up for a bit. Didn't talk for 6/7 months. I missed him the whole time and I think he really missed me too. He obviously followed me and kept close tabs on what I was doing on social media, and remembered what I had written about publicly. I don't think people who don't care do this.

At the risk of coming across as harsh. Your first priority is your living situation.

You said previously you have friends and family supporting you thru your current crisis. Forgive me for saying this but that's more than many appear to have on here. Especially the friends bit. Please be more appreciative of what you have instead of chasing after what you don't, would be my first suggestion.

On the subject of "chasing" - I concur with wolfram - much of your posts appear to address "your" wants and needs but don't appear to take into consideration your ex's position.

I can only go by what you have said here but it is sounding, rather unfortunately, as tho you are using your current predicament as leverage or emotional blackmail (for wont of a better expression) to elicit responses that will satisfy "you"...

This is unfair to everyone concerned, imo. Especially, believe it or not, to yourself!
So ok, you have history together. However, the operative word is History. You should be dealing with stuff" as-is".
As it currently stands, you do not have any status in each other's lives beyond the casual.

My advice? Cut off all contact. Reacquaint yourself with your pride and dignity.
No need for conversations with him, dramatics, nor ultimatums, nor demands. Merely, stop contacting him. Stop forcing him. Allow yourself time to get your own life in order without the additional stress of "does he, doesn't he" running thru your brain.

Give HIM a chance to breathe.

IF he initiates contact further down the line. IF he wants more than you have to give. ie, casual sex. Make your decisions on what you are prepared to compromise at that point in time.

IF/When that time comes...do NOT make the mistake and think as some women do...that by cheapening yourself by offering up your body you will get the outcomes you want.

If you just want casual then that's cool too. That's not cheapening yourself because you know the score. No one gets hurt. Just, no more focusing on what you don't have, cos that's just being greedy... better to focus on, and appreciate, all that you do.

Hope things work out for you

I'm not being greedy. There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship with somebody.

I'm so f*****g sick of wasting my time on men who "only want casual."

Every. Single. Time. For. Years.

The only one who didn't dumped me for someone else. Maybe not quite true... when this guy now and I were dating the first time, his ex busted into his house and repainted it. After that he said he wasn't over her so I left.

I don't understand how people get into relationships so easily. It's a mystery, some special party that I'm never invited to.

Last edited by Copelandia on 24 May 2017, 1:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

I thought in relationships you were supposed to tell people what you want and need. I asked him to call because I wanted him to call. I don't understand how this translates to "leverage" or "emotional blackmail".

I'm supposed to meet him tomorrow what on earth do I do?!

As ever we haven't arranged a proper time. Shall I just ignore his calls?!? Did how long?!?

How long do I ignore him and 'cut off all contact' for?!?

If he 'comes back' how do I know and what do I do?!?

IMO it's better to agree on what you both appreciate no matter when you find time.

If he tries talking to maybe I could just say

"After seven months I expect more than to be treated like a casual relationship."

When we got back together I was tentative at first, hence being ok with a slightly open/more casual thing. Since then my feelings have changed.

I told him at the time that my expectations within a relationship would change and develop over time... so it is fair to say after 7 months I expect more than this.

Seems like something worth making waves about.

ok, i'm now totally confused. are you in a relationship with each other or not? *head scratching* in a previous post you said that he said, rather explicitly, he didn't want a relationship, yet from other posts i got the impression you still hook up from time to time, which suggests casual? least to me it does.
he doesn't appear to make you priority yet you are doing everything you can to make things work?

i'm totally lost.

the upshot appears to be that you want this, no matter what...on any terms...your OP was talking about having to leave him even tho you don't appear to want to ...and every post you are making appears to be fighting to hang on?

my posts are suggesting you think of yourself first, get space away from him, give HIM some space too, and you achieve that by cutting contact...least to me that's how i do things...this would have given both of you time to understand what you actually want etc

i don't know what else i can offer, in truth. if you won't let go, you won't let go...*shrug*