Working it out - emotional connections

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Hi, I'm NT and I am well I guess in a complicated relationship with HFA man. We met at work 9 months ago and get on really well generally. He is smart, funny, caring, and wants to do the right thing by work, personal life and so on. We have this saying that when he's struggling to deals
It's something it goes into the "too difficult pile". This pile is slowly and positively getting smaller or at least being managed which I'm incredibly proud of him for working at.

I'm trying to learn as much as I can about Asperger's whilst being mindful that all I read is only one perspective and that we are all different and unique and that can only be a positive thing.

So our friendship/relationship has grown over the past 9months and after some very confusing months (mostly on my part for not understanding what the hell was going on, constant questions to try and see his viewpoint which he initially ignored or diverted the subject matter and much soul searching on my part, we finally got to a point where he took the plunge and opened up enough to tell me how he feels (I have been very careful to avoid pressure, and to be explicit in my questions to him but whilst reassuring that answers are his to give as he sees for and that whatever the outcome we can work through it in the most appropriate way). He had told me that he sees me as a girlfriend with complications (I am in a very sad and complicated relationship with an NT man and have 2 children). I tell him that I see him as a Boyfriend with complications too (he has a fiancé and 2 step children to be). We both agree this is not an ideal situation, that we don't want to hurt people but that we have a strong emotional connection to each other that we both just can't ignore.

He has also recently told me that he has never been able to generally talk openly to people (he could his mum but he lost her a few yrs ago which really affected him), however he feels a strong connection and able to do that with me.

My issues are:
1. I don't know where this is going. Is this just an emotional friendship because of circumstances and therefor isn't going anywhere?
2. How do I encourage and progress conversations on the above point so that we can agree a way forward (whatever that is) but without going all weird and needy and over emotional?

I want to try and stay clear in my mind and objective so that the right decisions for us can be made together going forward but I am struggling a bit.

He is such a caring and considerate man. If I ask for affection (cuddles if I am feeling low, upset or just needy) he willingly gives it without any hesistation and appears to enjoy reassuring me and receiving the same back. However, when we are apart he barely messages or communicates which can leave me wondering if I misunderstood the situation between us.

I'm not here for judgement (although I suspect some will and that's their choice), What I'd really appreciated though is some thoughts on how to handle to ongoing communication between us so that we can continue to build on that and improve going forward.

Thanking you in advance for your thoughts.

this isn't a "judgment post" ...this is a ,"what the hell are you both doing when neither of you are free?" post. i'm flabbergasted at the dishonesty and world of pain you are inviting not just for yourself but everyone in your immediate vicinity.

is the desired outcome that posters here will help you in how to communicate with your "bf" so that you have him ready and "primed", so you're not left alone, for when your world inevitably goes to hell?

wow. just, wow.

Boofie- Thank you for your post and yes I can completely see how it would appear that way. I have asked myself on a number of occasions "what the h*ll am I doing allowing this to happen), but judgement aside it has.

To get things straight, I didn't pursue this but I did allow it to become something emotional, it was he whom pursued me and yes maybe I've been stupid to not see the signs of something more than friendship. Why do you think I have the intention of priming him when it could so easily be the other way round and he doing the priming? I don't think it's either way in fact, and I would never do that. A person is free to do as they please I don't control them nor do I want to. I'm just trying to communicate clearly is all.

The post was to try and get some clarity and advice on how best to approach the situation.

The best way to approach the situation is to not have an affair, either emotional or otherwise, because betraying people who are supposed to be able to trust you (you know, your family, those people at home who think you love them?) is sh***y. And don't be with someone who would have an affair, because that is also sh***y.

The end.

you joined in december but waited until now to make your post...in your OP you cite this has been building for the last 9 months...so at a guess, december would have been the 4th month mark for developments. even back in december, you were looking for ways to escalate the situation but didn't take the plunge, ie ask the question here, until near end of May. so, here you now are. when things have probably reached impasse and you need a way forward out of the emotional morass you find yourself in.
self inflicted, i might add.

no matter who pursued whom, you had the choice to kill it dead...yet you chose not to. as you say, "you allowed it". let's be generous and accept that you have a sh***y situation at home and so you were vulnerable. you may well have been unprepared for this guy to turn up and catch you at a vulnerable moment but, your ability to know right from wrong must still have been intact, yes?

you are a grown woman with an SO and KIDS at home and yet you "allowed it"

he is a grown man with a FIANCE and two step-kids in the making and yet, you "allowed it"

how you can trust this guy that is prepared to cheat on his fiance baffles me. how you could cheat on your own family baffles me.

best way to approach the situation? the pair of you need to grow some balls and cut loose from your current ties and do things the right way, instead of living a lie. who knows, maybe the two of you do belong together and god knows you sound a pair but, the people around the both of you deserve way better than they are currently getting.

don't have to be AS to know the question you want to pose to him and need answering...so why not be brave and ask him to put his money where his mouth is and suggest that you both break up and then you are free to be together?

he pursued you, as you say...surely he has some accountability and responsibility here? no special treatment and handling with kid gloves required. just ask him for what you need. or are you afraid of what his answer might be and you thought coming here would provide a solution whereby you would be supplied with some magical words that would encourage him to do the right thing by you?

i only have experience of one HFA and that's the man in my life. i'll end on the following note...i have found that a man is a man is a man...regardless of whether he has AS...think about that...

However it is possible to be good friends with someone of the opposite sex without it being a sexual relationship or a threat to current partners. And that is ensuring that you discuss clearly what the boundaries are. Aspie men (or women I guess) can often be oblivious to flirting or to other signs that someone is attracted to them. So they often find themselves insituations unexpectedly when they thought they were just friends . .. . ..

If you had a friend in this situation what advice would you give them? Would you encourage the sweet fairy tale romance side or tell them like it is? I reckin you'd tell them like it is because you know what a mess this is.

as a child of someone who had emotional affairs, but never had the guts to actual leave, can I just point out that kids know when something is up. Amazingly my parents are still married and living together.

Do you want to be that person trapped in limbo?

whether he has aspergers or not you have to make a decision. Are you going to stay with difficult boyfriend or leave? Are you going to continue in limbo with aspie dude or break it off? What are the consequences?

Do you want to be with a man who won't make a decision to either stay with his fiance or leave her? What if there's someone better for you out there who won't mess you around like this?

I think since this is an emotional ordeal, perhaps it's best to leave out the judgment and stick with the problems that got us here.

Simply put, regardless of how you got here, you're HERE. Yes, your respective relationships are complicated. The question I have is not whether what you're doing is right or wrong. Regarding that, a lot of us here feel like it's hard enough to get someone just to look at us, so we tend to have a pronounced reaction against cheating. We easily identify as the victim before considering what if anything we possibly contributed to the disintegration of a relationship. This is not about blaming the victim, only about the choices we make.

For one, I do believe men can be persuasive and coercive to the point they could trick women into making decisions that women believe they are making themselves. Like when a guys gets her alone and asks "So why isn't your bf with you right now?" Making a woman feel insecure and then filling that (non-existant) void is one of the oldest and cheapest tricks in the book.

I largely lay the fault at the feet of men (yes, myself included).

So my first conclusion is that he's misleading you, or at least leading you away from your fiance...for, well, what exactly? That part is NOT your fault. You've been somewhat manipulated. If you look at it that way, you might get some clarity as to the real nature of this relationship.

The other side has to do with your thoughts, feelings, and decisions. Most often what I see is people who go astray aren't that committed to the relationship they're in. Do you really WANT to be with your SO? I mean, really, HONESTLY want to. Not "I'm wearing his ring" want to. See, this is asking for a level of honesty most people aren't prepared for because it means letting go of something you're deeply, emotionally attached to. Never fun when there's a double love triangle going on.

What I suggest is ask first whether your feelings towards this other guy are real or if you're being baited. Second, if you're having these feelings because something is missing in your current relationship, ask yourself if you need to stay in that relationship.

I think the first question that should be asked is this intended to be a monogamous thing or polyamory? If you both are monogamous, then it indeed is cheating, with possibly serious effects on both of your lives. If you intend to be polyamory, a decision you both should make in that case, then I don't think it is a big deal.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. Both negative and objective.

Yes I have some thinking and decision making to do. But I will not be making any knee jerk reactions to your very much valued comments on here. The one thing I am 100% sure of though is that I don't want to give up my friendship with this truly amazing person and despite this uncertain complication, I know that regardless of what happens, things have a way of working out for the best.

AngelRho - some of your comments really resonate with me. I appreciate the frank but objective comments.