What to do when you are the problem

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Right now I'm in a moment in my life where I feel I have no real friends anymore. I know I am capable of making them and enjoy their company, as I did in my home town. Since I moved away my old friendships have mostly faded and I am incapable of making new real friends. It is not a matter of trying, I often force myself to go to events and meetings to meet new people and to see some friends, and my social skills have improved greatly, I can "fake" how to be a charming and nice person. But I do not feel close to anybody, I do not truly enjoy their company and I do not have fun. I know it's me, because I have no reason not to like them, but I don't, I don't really know anybody that I like that it's not my family. Despise that I feel extremely lonely, and a bit angry with myself.

Have perspective of what they truly mean. I can understand life can be frustrating when those closest to you are frustrated with you, but having an honest perspective without antagonizing yourself helps you out. Try to put yourself into other people's shoes, and believe me, people will be happy around you. Having a perspective of other people, even when they are mad, shows you are listening.

On the one hand, you're out there, meeting people, trying hard, not having fun, wondering if it's all worth it. On the other hand, you're lonely because you don't feel close to any of them.

How long ago did you move to this new city? While meeting people is key, you have to keep attending an interest group that you love and get busy in the interests and the activities because the more you attend, the more the other people are going to be interested in you. It will click on it's own.

However, if you need to, perhaps watching this clip from "Inside Out" might help.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZdCRyFMz_Q

Perhaps you could watch the whole movie

It's possible that a reason for your sadness is that you have all these people surrounding you but you can't be yourself. That can make anyone feel lonely, and it can be worse than being alone because you really don't have anyone to talk to.

Can you start to be yourself around any of the people that you have met? Keeping up interests is important too.

I've been living here for two years. I attend roleplaying meetings (which is one of my passions) and events with another big group of girls who share same hobbies. I do agree that's the key, that's why I've been attending open event despise the stress. I have met nice people there, and I have some friends I've known for over a year. I still don't feel really close to them.

Thanks for the video, I've seen the movie While I miss my hometown a bit, I don't want to go back, I know I wouldn't be happy there. What I want is to enjoy going out again like I used to and have some fun in life.




I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. That has made me severely depressed in the past and while I've worked hard in being unapologetic and shameless about myself the brain does weird stuff sometimes. It might still be stuck somewhere in my unconscious mind. I used to live by "people don't like you when you speak, they only do when your mouth is shut" when I was a kid.
I nowadays live by "love me or hate me, I am who I am and that's okay", and trying to master that attitude. Like I said, those old harmful thoughts might be more present that I thought.

I know from experience it can be depressing. Especially since it's possible that people might not like "the real you" once they get to know you. But as you said, who you are is okay. You shouldn't have to change yourself to make people like you. You should find people who like you for who you are.

Agreed. I haven't found anyone like that since coming to a new country two years ago. Makes me want to move to the middle of nowhere, living in a big city and being alone feels so stupid, if I'm going to be alone then I should at least enjoy quietness and peace

Two years in, do you feel comfortable living in the Netherlands, or are you still in the process of acclimatizing? Through speaking with some expats, I've understood that the Dutch are sometimes perceived as difficult to become close friends with.

I see much overlap with my own situation in your opening post. Whilst I never had very close friends throughout my life, in my twenties I made many attempts to seek out kindred spirits in hopes of striking up a friendship. I searched primarily at events and groups focused on certain hobbies or common interests. I even attended a monthly autistic meeting for a while. But I never found a single person I felt a proper mutual click with, who might grow into a friend. Partly, this was due to my difficult situation at home-- I was dealing with my father's alcoholism, as well as my failing attempts to break into university or to hold down a job. So psychologically I was not in a good place.

At times whilst in the company of the people at these common interest clubs, I felt like you describe: not close to anyone, not truly enjoying their company. However, in my case, it was not so much due to an incompatibility with every single person in the group-- it was due to a focus on my own need to vanquish my feelings of loneliness, at the expense of listening to the other person and connecting to them. Throughout my twenties, I made the excuse for myself that I was not in the right state of mind to let anyone come close to me and become a friend. Perhaps in the long run, that was the right decision for me to make. But I can't help but wonder what could have been if, at age 23, I had attempted to forge bonds of friendships with a couple of people I enjoyed the company of and who enjoyed my company. Now at age 30, I am still constantly wondering if I should make further attempts to meet like-minded people in hopes of finding potential friendship, or if I should leave well enough alone and just adopt a couple of cats to become a crazy cat hermit.

I think the fact that you once enjoyed going out and making friends, at least gives you a precedent you can build on. That, plus your improved social skills and relatively young age, give you a bit of an edge, even if it may not feel that way right now. Know also that your needs for social company may fluctuate from one period of your life to the next. I've known relative 'dry spells' where I pretty much needed exclusive 'me time' during my off-work hours and weekends. No contact with acquaintances, less contact with relatives. My interactions with co-workers really filled my socialization quota during those periods. And yes, even in those times, I wasn't free of the thought that I would like to have close friends to confide in. But I wasn't seeking them out.

Thanks for sharing your experience, it is comforting to read about other's experiences.

I am quite well adjusted here, I think because I'm an aspie. I may miss or not know a lot of social "rules", but that was also the case in my home country and here I have the advantage of blaming it on being an expat. I have a safe position from where I've learnt without much pressure. A different way of doing things is even expected from me here. I'm in a diverse city, there has to be people like me somewhere.

In the past I was art obsessed, made it my career and I knew a lot of other artists and creators. Generalizing, they tend to be a bit nuts, the stereotypes are kinda true, so I obviously got along great with them. I am not in that social sphere anymore. Being honest, I am bored of the people I've known so far. They are so well adjusted, and I'm not, so I can't really relate.

I am taking it as a forced solitude retreat, and using the opportunity to work on myself. I still have very bad days, as you can read from the first post. It is still not something that I like.

If you want my advice you should keep on trying to meet people you like, you can always become a hermit if you decide you've had enough and are better on your own (that might be my retirement plan) But quality social contact is very good for the health. I gave the same advice to my own mother, she's way older, neurotypical and has similar problems finding people, even if she's awesome at social stuff.

...life's not easy.