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Shelf
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 7 Apr 2017
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 25
Location: West USA

26 May 2017, 12:57 am

I'm trying to communicate better with my male friend and our main issues are that I spend 99% of the time listening to things I'm not interested in and that when I talk he does not listen/and purposefully changes the topic to something unrelated to interrupt me. I'm thinking he may have no idea I find his topics boring because I care about him I try hard to listen politely plus I don't want to discourage him communicating with me. The interrupting and not listening I don't understand and am trying not to analyze but it is creating increasingly more negative emotions in me.
Some ideas to communicate I do not like this topic, but I don't know if they are rude
-this is not interesting
-I'm only interested in this because it appears to be pleasing to you
-I'm a little interested
-I'm bored
-I'm fascinated
-I'm not stimulated by the topic but if it's important to you I will listen

As far as not listening/shifting conversation. I want to say It hurts me when you don't listen to me talk and when the topic is changed to stop me from talking. I can't come up with much more without getting complicated. I thought to suggest I will just keep a journal as we go and write my thoughts as they come, to see if that satisfies my need somewhat to feel understood. And to say I'd rather you say it's too much to talk about this right now instead of changing the topic, that offends me less, but that's a temporary solution.

Any feedback would be appreciated. Would you be offended by hearing this and would this make sense to you? If you can add any suggestions for how to communicate better please let me know. Thanks



Mr_Miner
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26 May 2017, 8:11 pm

Most things you listed would offensive to me if you said them. The exception being I'm fascinated but to say that is often just playing the social game. We have to pretend to care when we don't sometimes.

Have you considered that you talk only about one or two topics all the time? I know I do and I also that eventually people will politely steer me away.



cberg
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26 May 2017, 9:39 pm

I wouldn't find it offensive really. I ramble a lot about dense topics that interest me so I'm cool with it when people point out what doesn't interest them. It's all up to you but I don't read too far into this.


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Raleigh
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26 May 2017, 10:36 pm

It may be that he believes he has the balance of power in the relationship, especially with him shutting you down.
Next time he starts talking non-stop, try examining his face minutely with great interest (look at the pores of his skin, patterns in irises, direction of hairs etc.)
Apparently it's difficult for most people to continue talking when they're under close scrutiny like this and they will tend to direct the conversation back to you.
(Learnt that at an assertiveness workshop).


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cberg
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27 May 2017, 12:05 am

Lol that probably works now that I think about it.


_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos :mrgreen:


Chronos
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01 Jun 2017, 1:31 am

Shelf wrote:
I'm trying to communicate better with my male friend and our main issues are that I spend 99% of the time listening to things I'm not interested in and that when I talk he does not listen/and purposefully changes the topic to something unrelated to interrupt me. I'm thinking he may have no idea I find his topics boring because I care about him I try hard to listen politely plus I don't want to discourage him communicating with me. The interrupting and not listening I don't understand and am trying not to analyze but it is creating increasingly more negative emotions in me.
Some ideas to communicate I do not like this topic, but I don't know if they are rude
-this is not interesting
-I'm only interested in this because it appears to be pleasing to you
-I'm a little interested
-I'm bored
-I'm fascinated
-I'm not stimulated by the topic but if it's important to you I will listen

As far as not listening/shifting conversation. I want to say It hurts me when you don't listen to me talk and when the topic is changed to stop me from talking. I can't come up with much more without getting complicated. I thought to suggest I will just keep a journal as we go and write my thoughts as they come, to see if that satisfies my need somewhat to feel understood. And to say I'd rather you say it's too much to talk about this right now instead of changing the topic, that offends me less, but that's a temporary solution.

Any feedback would be appreciated. Would you be offended by hearing this and would this make sense to you? If you can add any suggestions for how to communicate better please let me know. Thanks


There is a saying..."What's good for the goose is good for the gander." When applied to your situation, it means that your friend does not have a right to perceive as rude that which he does to you.

However, rather than interrupting him in the manner he does to you, in an attempt to communicate a point, particularly being that you would be doing so with the intention of revenge, which would make it passive aggressive, I think it's just best to call him out when he does it to you, if it really bothers you, and let him know you aren't really interested in what he's talking about when you get a chance to contribute to the conversation.

All in all though, being this is a friend and not a partner or co-worker, I would not put much effort into trying to change his behavior. Personally, I would rather let me friends be as they are and if they engage in behavior that I tire of, I simply associate with them less, and associate with those I find morepleasurable to be around more.



Shelf
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: 7 Apr 2017
Age: 46
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Location: West USA

02 Jun 2017, 3:34 pm

Thank you for replies, I really need advice and no one I know has any experience to give advice on this. We are dating and spend a lot of time together. It's only been a few months and is undefined on my side and on his side he was ready to commit right away. The first few weeks he was very quiet, we saw a lot of movies. Then he started talking more, and he doesn't have only one or topics, he goes on monologues about most every topic.

I don't know if it's control, let's just say he's particular and has his ways about doing things for reasons I don't know. With the conversation he's either bored when I talk, he has anxiety, he has processing issues or he's trying to manage other things that I don't understand or he has rules that I don't know-these are my guesses.

If the conversation is short he's ok, but when I talk 4+ sentences he looks worried and he often misinterprets what I said, I mean extreme negative misinterpreting bad things. If I say something that is different then how he thinks he also looks worried and takes over conversation.


I wasn't confident about these lines, so I tried to communicate gentler.
I gave him specific things he can say or do when I need to feel supported.
I told him I would rather he say that he is unable to listen to me right now, that I do not like the abrupt changing of topics to something he wants. I haven't seen how that will work out yet.
I told him twice that the topic he was talking about was interesting and I wanted to hear about it further, but that I was too tired and had to leave---This was where things got really different he switched to topics that are much more interesting to me and talked about all kinds of things he doesn't normally express. It crossed my mind that maybe he is using scripting more than I realize bc he acted in a lot of ways that were pleasing to me on purpose. I don't know I'm still processing this. I guess I made a mistake here because I ended up staying much later. I don't want either one of us to act in ways that are intentionally or not manipulating the other.

I am quite fond of him and like spending time with him, so I'm not complaining about him. It's because I like him that I'm trying to see if we can find some ways to improve in the problem areas now, especially bc he is expressing this need to be committed. I'm making a lot of adjustments on my side to try to communicate in ways that will make sense to him.



Shelf
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 7 Apr 2017
Age: 46
Gender: Female
Posts: 25
Location: West USA

02 Jun 2017, 3:51 pm

Raleigh wrote:
It may be that he believes he has the balance of power in the relationship, especially with him shutting you down.
Next time he starts talking non-stop, try examining his face minutely with great interest (look at the pores of his skin, patterns in irises, direction of hairs etc.)
Apparently it's difficult for most people to continue talking when they're under close scrutiny like this and they will tend to direct the conversation back to you.
(Learnt that at an assertiveness workshop).


Thanks, It will get his attention. I have a habit of listening very politely to people so some way of breaking that is useful and I am completely comfortable doing this because it will likely make us laugh.