Reviving an Old Friendship

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So, I've been feeling pretty lonely lately because my last remaining friend transferred to a different university a few weeks ago. Seeing as it's hard to maintain a friendship with a person you never see, I'm looking to make a new close friend.

There's someone that I've been missing who I used to be friends with, and I'd like to revive that old friendship. We were very good friends in elementary school, but we lost all contact with each other after we went to different middle schools. I've found them on Facebook, and I really want to get back in touch with them and revive our old friendship. Thing is, I haven't talked to this person in 9 years.

People change a lot in a decade, especially since this person was a fifth grader the last time we hung out. However, from stalking his Facebook page his personality seems to be about what I remembered it to be, so I'm hoping we'd still have some chemistry. I'd love to reach out and ask if he wants to reconnect, but because of some pretty paralyzing social anxiety I've been unable to message him. We were such good friends so long ago that I can't imagine he won't remember me, but I'm worried it'll seem strange if I just randomly reach back out to him and ask if he wants to hang out.

So, as I often do, I've come to here for advice. Admittedly, an autistic forum probably isn't the best place to go searching for social advice, especially with myself being socially impaired to start with, but seeing as there's a section here for these kinds of topics I decided I'd post. One thing I didn't mention before, but is worth keeping in mind, is that the person I'm trying to reconnect with is also autistic, so typical neurodivergent social tendencies apply to him as well. Some questions:

.What do I say if I were to message him? Should it just be a simple "hey, let's hang out" or should I make up an excuse for messaging him again after this long?

.Should I let him know from the start that I want to rekindle a friendship?

.He has other friends of course, so how do I become close with him again without disrupting his other friendships?

.Are there any unwritten rules anyone knows about that says that you shouldn't try to re-make friendships after X amount of time?

Thanks for any responses or advice!

Well... i'm no expert, but I have reached out to old friends through Facebook and it seems to be totally acceptable. That's why you are "Facebook friends"... anyone you have is fair game to be treated as a friend. In my experience, people don't get annoyed or offended, and usually, they actually have been paying attention to your posts and photos too, even if they haven't been liking or commenting.



If it were me, I would say something like,

"Kyle!! !! (Whatever their name is) It's been so long! I had been thinking of you recently and just saw your post about _____. (Something that they posted recently, preferably something about work, school, accomplishment, etc that you are interested in.) That's so cool! Congrats! (Then either make a comment that shows you know something about the thing, or ask a question that shows you know something about the thing.) Are you still in the area? I would love to get together over coffee! I'm free on _____ days. Let me know!"



If they haven't recently made a specific post about the thing you have in common with the person, then you can also tell them that you saw their [random] recent post and then got excited when you realized that you were Facebook friends because you didnt know you were still connected.

So you would say something like "Hey __! I just saw a post of yours and got really excited... I forgot that I have you on Facebook! We've come so far since the ___ elelmentary days, lol! I didn't know you were into _____! So am I!" or "I didn't know you do ____! Where do you go? I go to____."

I recently did this with a friend from elementary school who I realized is majoring in the same thing in college as i am. Her post was a random post with a dog video or something, but I like the video and then used that as a segway to say, "omg I didnt realize i had you as a friend on here! It's been so long! And I just saw you are majoring in ___!! Me too! crazy! How do you like the program at ___? You are still one of my favorite memories at _____ elementary school! <3"

You really have to be direct about the "getting together" part or else the casual conversation will just fade or turn into vague general answers. If you clearly communicate that you want to actually get together and catch up on a personal level, the person will probably be flattered and agree to do so (unless they are super busy). People commonly connect casually and let it drop off quickly without actually getting to gather or wanting to try to be real friends again, so you've got to make it super clear that you want to make the effort to get together.

Just remember that people can be very busy, so it might seem like they don't want to, but it may actually be that they literally don't have the time and can't schedule a random meeting with an old friend right now. Many people function on a day to day basic and interact mostly with the people that they work with and regularly see. If your schedule is more open, you might ask something like "Do you have a lunch break or a day off? Maybe I can meet up with you to grab a bite to eat next time you're off!". If you can adjust to their schedule, it might be easier to set a date. I know it can be frustrating when it seems like the other person doesnt care or is impossible to pin down. You could also invite the person to a specific event, gathering, etc that they would be interested in based on their interests that you've discovered. This is a little harder since the person would have to be free on a specific day and time, but if the event is in the other person's interests, it might be a good way to get them to make the extra effort to be there (at least the first time)!

GOOD LUCK! Let us know how it goes!

You sound like you'd be a great friend. I would choose to tell the person you were excited to find them on facebook and revived memories of good times from your past. Letting them know you've missed them is important.
I wouldn't suggest getting together until you can gauge their interest in reconnecting, too. Take it slow and use your intuition.