End of our ropes with autistic child

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The type of escalation you have described screams to me of unmet need. To solve the escalation, you need to solve the need. Is the need the actual words? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but it is what he thinks will solve the need.

The more stress my son was under, the more need he had to control everything around him. This wasn't manipulation, it was an effort at survival while on what felt to him like a sinking ship. The child is reaching for a life jacket. You have to figure out what the life jacket he needs is.

My son was smart and self-aware, so it worked for me to use those times to redirect. Instead of answering the request that seemed to be controlling, I would direct him to an activity that I knew helped him get his head back on straight (pacing was a big one for him, for example). It only worked if I caught him early enough in the escalation process, however; once his head was too far scrambled we were going to head into a meltdown, period.

Your son may have calmed alone in his room because something there met his need. I doubt he was just turning the behavior off. Can an autistic child learn to manipulate? Yes. Is that common behavior? No. The thing is, assuming manipulation when there is none is going to eventually backfire on you big time. It is much more effective long term to risk being manipulated while trying to be constructive about addressing needs, than it is to risk missing a need.

You need to get a handle on what is stressing the child. That is not an easy process, because they can be stressed by all sorts of things you or I would consider irrelevant, but it is an essential one.