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dryope
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31 May 2017, 6:37 pm

After a stressful couple weeks at my professional job, I am just on the point of shutting down. I just have to fight through another day and a half, and then I can spend my vacation recovering. I honestly don't know if I can manage it -- my vision is getting blurry and I'm struggling to speak words. I had planned to go to an art show this evening, but I had to leave a few minutes in -- too many people.

I am going to spend tonight trying very hard to recover enough to make it through tomorrow. I'm serving on an interview panel and working on some critical short-fuse projects, so I really can't take a sick day.

I just want to sit in a corner and stim for hours.

This is a "high functioning" person with ASD. I'm 39, I manage 8 employees and a lot of money, and I'm good at my job, and good with people (through an intense amount of hard work over decades). But it takes its toll. I just don't believe in "high functioning." I believe in "able to hold down a job and then spend all of my free time recovering."

I know from experience that if I don't take care of myself, I will go nonverbal, and I will shut down entirely. If I let it go to that point, I will lose days, potentially more.

OK, typing is getting harder, and so it thinking of words. I have to stop.


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leejosepho
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31 May 2017, 10:14 pm

I definitely know that kind of deal, and I hope you can hang on well enough to get to your vacation. I once barely made it to the vacation and then spent the first week of the next month just getting rolling again. Overall, however, I strongly suggest you soon begin making some changes somewhere and learn to pace yourself in order to be able to continue functioning at best-for-your-survival levels that will likely need to continue being diminished as time goes on. I did not begin doing that soon enough, then ended up unable to work at all ever again and in shutdown mode for an entire year at age 61.


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dryope
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01 Jun 2017, 8:09 am

Wow, yes, good advice. Another reason why "high functioning" is a myth. It's really just borrowed time, and that time isn't an infinite resource.

Early retirement seems like a good idea -- I should look into that.

Thanks, and take care.


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RetroGamer87
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13 Jul 2017, 5:05 pm

dryope wrote:
Wow, yes, good advice. Another reason why "high functioning" is a myth. It's really just borrowed time, and that time isn't an infinite resource.
I hope not. I want to have a long career. Not live on borrowed time. But I get so stressed at work, what if you're right. My whole identity is tied up in my job. I can't afford to live without it.


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Voxish
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15 Jul 2017, 1:22 pm

I have just had meltdown I think its fair to say. I am off work now for two weeks with anxiety. 60 hour weeks, lots of travel, non-stop constant demands, unreasonable deadlines, it never stops and I have hit the wall. I have only been in the job for 2 months and they don't know I am autistic.....I am going to get the sack, I just know I am. I had a month to go before any holidays and I just could not get there in time. In my experience, if I need a holiday then its already too late, I need to take a holiday before I need a holiday, if you know what I mean.

To cope, I have being putting myself to bed at 7 pm, earlier if I can (just get get by). Its the only way I can sort myself out, I try to remove as much sensory input as possible. Sometimes I might be OK after 4 or 5 hours but if I have been bombarded with demands it can be days and days before I am right. Even if I go to bed at 7pm every night it only just gets me by, just enough emptying of my sensory tank to get me by for the next day.

My idea of the perfect holiday is being totally on my own for two weeks with as little contact with the rest of the planet as possible....bliss.


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dryope
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15 Jul 2017, 9:42 pm

Thanks for sharing -- I have really been there, and I'm there now. I agree it's tough to see a way out when you're in the middle of it. I usually think I'm doing just fine until suddenly I can't speak proper sentences or I realize my vision has gone wonky. Then, there's nothing for it but sleep alternated with a quiet room with drawing until I suddenly feel better. Meditation is like magic for this, but it isn't instant.

The worst part is that I can't tell if I'm good enough to get back into things: as soon as I feel OK, I think, hey, I can go out for a short walk into town -- and then it takes everything back out of me.

I have vehemently come out at work. On Thursday, in a class on HIRING BIAS (!) a colleague said to my group, "Well, at least we aren't hiring a Sheldon." Which is code for us. I politely told him that I had "Aspergers" (because the other "a" word scares people, thanks DSM-5) and that I was a "Sheldon." The stress from that little two-minute encounter is part of the reason I'm again struggling to speak on my weekend, today, in addition to some unusually high stress at work.

Every time someone talks to me, I can feel myself getting closer. It's like a rubber band getting tight. When will it break?

I hope this goes away soon. Back to drawing.


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Voxish
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16 Jul 2017, 3:01 pm

If I was you I would take the time off now it you can, you may find you need to take more time off later if you don't.

(Not that I would do that myself you understand, no, no, no I would charge on regardless until I had totally overloaded and shut down....extreme is what I do best, no half measure for me!)


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DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder (Level 1)
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