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ZachGoodwin
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13 Jun 2017, 8:14 pm

Perfectionism can come from someone who tried to ace all their classes in school. The idea you have to be the good student 100% all the time, and impress the teacher. As adults it does make sense to do a good job, but the attitude of perfectionism and not good enough should go away. Good enough is good enough. Added to that, you should not be like this guy:



People have different standards, and grow up differently. They may not have the same mind like you, and you should not implement how you think for other people to think. Try to back away from being the perfect one. Let good enough be good enough, and if other people are not as good as you expect, so what. Other people have different ways of improving, and they don't need you.

I made this mistake today, and I felt like sharing it.

Image

No one is asking you to do something you don't like. Most people are good hearted people. It does not matter whether they have tattoos, piercings, a different race, a different religion, a different sexuality, a different gender, a different background, etc. People are people, and you should not try to change people.

Focus on your own integrity, and work on it. Unless you are their boss you should not try to command people.



RetroGamer87
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17 Jun 2017, 12:48 am

We should be like Gomer Pyle? He wasn't the smartest or most admired guy in the town of Mayberry or in the USMC for that matter.

I agree with you that perfectionism is annoying yet it's a hard habit to break. This idea that you have to get everything 100% right to impress people or even worse, this idea that you have to get 100% just to be normal.

Or the idea that we should try to be better than everyone else. Sometimes I fall into that trap as well. It won't work because there'll always be someone smarter. Better to improve yourself without worrying about them.


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banana247
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17 Jun 2017, 3:20 am

Good advice. I'm a firm believer in pushing yourself, striving for excellence and not accepting mediocrity... But in a social context, i think what you say is valid.

I just graduated college as valedictorian, I have been a perfectionist much whole life. School and classes are great because there is a rubric and grading system and you can achieve greatness and even perfection just by understanding the system and putting time and effort in. There is a clear understanding of "perfection" (100%), and even in more subjective subjects, things like the grading rubric grant that there is still clear way to gage "correct" vs "incorrect". All of this makes sense to me and I do very well with this type of system, but social feats don't seem to follow anything like this. There is no "100%" and everything is subjective. Now that I'm not in school, it's weird to suddenly not have the protection of a rubric to tell me whether I'm doing well. No one has the same "requirements" either, everyonefoes their own path and none are wrong or right. They are just what you choose.

I think it is important for me to get your points into my head so that I can reformat my thinking and be ok with social imperfection.



RetroGamer87
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17 Jun 2017, 6:03 pm

In that case maybe I should try to be perfect. It worked for you banana247.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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17 Jun 2017, 9:27 pm

"No one is asking you to do something you don't like." yes they did. and at least one of those precious lil "people" that had the nerve to ask (a better word would be "demand") me to do something that i did not "like", told me that she was my precious lil "friend". at least one precious lil "person" that had the nerve to ask (peer pressure) me to do something i don't like, had the nerve to tell me that "we care about you".

peer pressure versus encouragement

greed versus want

boundaries versus flexibility

________________________________________________________________________________________

"Most people are good hearted people."

what is the definition of "most", over half? 57%. b/c if it's "most people" then it ain't everyone.

and what is the definition of "good hearted" and how do you measure that objectively?

"People are people, and you should not try to change people."

"should", "can" and "will" are 3 different things.

numerous precious lil "people" have had the nerve to try to change me.

there were plenty of those precious lil "people". (outnumbered)

they were totally confident. overconfidence. arrogance. too much self esteem

yeah i tend to not be judgmental enough. b/c it is necessary to make decisions based on incomplete evidence. judgments, thus for the basis for those decisions.

while almost everyone i have ever interacted with does little besides constantly judge. especially extroverted neurotypicals in the humanities and social sciences.

they judge every last thing. even if it doesn't affect them. they won't let you disagree with them. otherwise you are wrong or "lying".

and there were so many of them. that of course, in some ways, they totally succeeded.

for example i am trans. started Gender Therapy in 2004. that was before the trans discrimination laws.

in a homophobic city, san diego. (rolls eyes).

when i went into the womens bathroom, almost every time someone told me i was in the wrong bathroom. sometimes in a disgusted manner.

peer pressure. to ignore it, is too idealistic. model. perfect. not practical.

it has to be a compromise.

but quite frankly i am way too much of a pushover

damaged beyond repair by childhood bullying. and numerous forms of profound social rejection

precious lil "people" get on my nerves

they had the nerve to tell me that it was "lying" for me to say i was "a guy" instead of "a girl".

now that is not just transphobic. (new vocabulary word). but homophobic. and sexist.

"guy" and "girl"? no. it's "boy" and "girl". man/woman. lady/gentlemen. male/female.

junior high school cisgender males don't like to be called boys. so they call themselves "guys". thus they can avoid the word "boy" while not claiming to be "men". how slick.

cisgender junior high school females do not get that. "gal"? it ain't happening.

even middle aged women often get called "girls".

yeah i tried not to change precious lil "people". although that ain't to my credit. they outnumbered, overpowered and outsmarted me. as usual. b/c i am so grotesquely stupid. and i ain't got neither rights nor emotions. (rolls eyes).

precious lil "people" make me wanna puke :oops:

but even if i were to have tried to change precious lil "people" i would've failed anyways. who am i? there is just one of me, and i am so unusual statistically. in that i have Gender Identity Disorder, autism and clinical depression diagnoses. and six out of 10 personality disorders officially diagnosed. and besides, i ain't got no job. plenty of those homophobic ret*ds (no ableism intended). had jobs. not only did they not have trouble getting and keeping jobs. but they had a wide range of jobs. including. STEM jobs. including jobs that required an undergrad and/or graduate degree. they were socially adept. they seemed (to me) nice. they were academically smart. at least some of them were. they were vocationally competent. at least some of them were.

seriously

yeah i see what you are getting at

but maybe you are being a little too idealistic to be practical



ZachGoodwin
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17 Jun 2017, 10:18 pm

This is the first time I had an actual complaint said like this.

I don't know how to handle your homophobic bullies and the bullies who have tormented you and pushed you down. I never have been bullied myself.

I'm basing my advice on what I have heard from my elders, my parents, my grandparents, my siblings, my friends, my acquaintances, who I work with with in my new job, the internet, and books.

I'm only one person. Throughout my life I have been told that I don't have myself together. I have been told that I was rambling or ranting. I have been argued with constantly, but in many ways I wanted to be listened to like a brother to people. I always used to think I had to have life worse than everyone else.

I used to snap at people who told me how my day was, and when I learned to tell them how my day actually was, they listened and paid attention. I didn't give them the harsh attitude that I was told not to have.

If I were to constantly question everyone I know of their own believes and attitudes, feel angry for being left out, constantly beat myself up, walk up and accuse random people, and so much argumentative things then I guess I would not be where I am now.

Maybe I am a mediocore person, and perhaps I didn't get anyone's attention or helped them out as individuals, but I do use my own advice that I tell you all, and I have been trying to be kind and apologize for it.

I never grew up bullied, I never grew up poor, I had good grades, I didn't do sports, I was never on the streets, and I spent most of my time at home. Most of what I could do with my life and what I learned from it was this advice I gave. I share the advice I give to my grandparents to spell check and see if it makes sense, and it frightens me everyday to see someone offended.

I tried giving strong advice to those who have had it worse than me, I have tried to make those who had it worse than me happy, I tried to sound rational, I tried all I could. All I could.

I have been suggested to go to Wrongplanet after an argument on another forum as a teenager. They said that I could find people who have my exact same problems with autism here, and so I have been here since.



shortfatbalduglyman
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19 Jun 2017, 9:21 pm

zach:

okay, maybe i phrased my response badly. but i did not find your original post "offensive" per se. nor was i trying to make a "complaint."

but seriously.

"No one is asking you to do something you don't like. Most people are good hearted people."

"No one" literally means zero. not one. which is not correct. and the "Most people" that you interact with are different from the ones that i interact with. given that we live in different states. furthermore, each person has a lot of actions, statements, thoughts, and emotions, throughout a lifetime. quite frankly, it sounds like it would be physically impossible for one person to only have good actions, statements, thoughts, and emotions. likewise with the bad.

it seems a bit like dichotomous thinking though. "good hearted people". it appears (to me, just one person, not to "Most people"), that it would make better sense, to label the action, not the person. labelling the person is like saying you assigned a moral value to each action the person has done throughout his/her life, and then added them up.

but actions do not (just my opinion) have inherent moral values. what one person finds immoral, someone else might find moral. and there is no absolute, objective magnitude of each moral or immoral action.

but whatever.

and your original post, (just to me) sounds like you had good intentions. all things equal, good intentions are better than bad intentions. but, good intentions only go so far. and good intentions do not necessarily justify all outcomes.

it ain't your job to deal with my homophobic bullies. as long as you were not one of them, and you did not work at a job where it was in your job description to deal with them (such as schoolteacher when i was a student), you cannot be held morally responsible. you were not even there at the scene.

"Throughout my life I have been told that I don't have myself together." that is an ambiguous statement. who told you that? your parents? schoolteachers? friends? b/c everyone has some sort of biases. and they are not all aware of their own biases.

my precious lil "parents" used to compare me unfavorably to other chinese daughters. especially ones that were academically smarter than me. and they asked why i was not like that.

and then other precious lil "people" acted impressed that i got a BA altogether.

who is right? that's completely subjective. there is no objective, factual, absolute, inherent answer to that question.

quite frankly, when my precious lil "parents" compared me to other chinese daughters, i felt ashamed and embarrassed.

and when precious lil "people" acted impressed that i got a BA, i felt like they were patronizing. like their expectations were too low.

"I always used to think I had to have life worse than everyone else."

"everyone" literally means zero exception.

no exaggerations.

certainly in the whole planet, at least one person has a worse life than you. and besides, how do you measure whose life is worse? even that is subjective.

plenty of people have worse lives than me. they grew up in poverty. they got raped. minors get leukemia. and et cetera. i get it.

it's just that, among the precious lil "people" that i interact with, that ain't a representative sample. other countries contain a lot more poverty than the united states. and people do not go around waving flags that say that they are rape victims or got leukemia. furthermore, i ain't got any precious lil "friends" right now. and in the past i have only had several. and they ended up dumping me. but whatever.... anyways. not many people know me well enough, that they would have told me, if they were to have gotten raped or gotten leukemia.

your advice could make sense in some situations. but the way it sounds, it sounds like it makes sense in all situations.

everyone has a legal right to say whatever they want.

you have a legal right to say whatever you want.

i have a legal right to say whatever i want.

there is nothing so great if you and i agree.

there is nothing so bad if you and i disagree.

me specifically, though. i have a thing against "most people".

"most people" appear, to me, to act like they are so absolutely important, cute, wise, smart, socially cool, awesome, and morally innocent.

but, maybe nobody else has that perception about "most people".

not everyone perceives the same thing the same way.

furthermore, there is something wrong with everyone.

and nobody is perfect.







:lol:



mlpgirl1998
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27 Jun 2017, 1:20 pm

i don't feel the need to be perfect i'm fine just the way i am :P :P



shortfatbalduglyman
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28 Jun 2017, 8:10 pm

i don't feel the need to be perfect i'm fine just the way i am
______________________________________________________________________________

growing up with chinese precious lil "parents".

whoa. sheesh. phew.

it was like an emotional rollercoaster.

they told me someone else's daughter was an academic prodigy. and why wasn't i like that.

which made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

and there are plenty of things wrong with me.

but not being an academic prodigy is not wrong.

besides there is something wrong with everything and everyone.

previous landlords, bosses, and even precious lil "friends" have had the nerve to ask "why?" every time i did or said something they did not like.

they expected me to be perfect. and the definition of perfect was everything they wanted.

while they were not willing to compromise the slightest thing for me.

even precious lil "friends" acted like they were sports announcers and i was a football game. every time i made an action, they made a statement.



RetroGamer87
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01 Jul 2017, 11:55 pm

^ I never suspected you were Chinese.

Not being an academic prodigy is one of the things that's wrong with me.


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ZachGoodwin
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02 Jul 2017, 12:11 am

It's getting too real here guys. Please don't worry about the thread okay.



Victor1985
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14 Jul 2017, 5:47 am

Well, it was never about grades with me, but if I own something and there's a tiny little scratch its ruined to my eyes. I couldn't do art because I'd start a piece, just a couple of lines but it was imperfect, so I'd have dozens of pieces of paper, all with one or two lines. I can see a flaw or imperfection in anything. For this reason, deciding on what to buy is agonising to me. Also, its the same for people. I'm not as bad as I used to be though.


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