Not Being Married Or Involved.............

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JustDoYouOK
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14 Jun 2017, 12:48 am

I was wondering what is this societal stigma that if you are not married and have kids by the time you are 31 something is wrong with you or some people think differently of you? I am very interested in women but only want friends with benefits at the current time, I feel almost as if ''settling down'' I am signing away my freedom...... is this normal for us Aspies?



petalstatic
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14 Jun 2017, 11:13 pm

It's worse as a woman, can tell you that much. If you're a guy, you can just be the uncle that never settled down or whatever. How people will judge you depends on the rest of your circumstances. If you're employed, own a home, and don't act too creepy, no one will think that poorly. If you're a woman though, doesn't matter what your circumstances are, people (dumb people, which is most of them) will think you're crazy or broken or both.



IstominFan
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15 Jun 2017, 9:08 am

Dumb people will judge anybody pretty harshly by that standard. I think about the stupid people who write articles stating Denis Istomin is "a mama's boy" because he's coached by his mother and is very close to his family. This is a man who has his own life and interests, but remains close to his family. He says that the best part of being coached by his mother is that he doesn't have to pay for the other coaches. In other words, Denis is saying politely, "Mind your own business and shut up."



shlaifu
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16 Jun 2017, 7:29 pm

there's a neighbour downstairs, who's got a wife and a young child and he always gave me a certain look, - I'm probably five years older, unkempt and unshaven, don't even own an iron to iron clothing, and so on.
he certainly looked surprised when we ran into each other at the local university, where he's studying and I'm teaching.

anyway, yes, depending on what "milestones of adult life" you decided to go for -house, car, etc- people will be judging you more or less.
I have a female friend whose a doctor, around my age (early 30ies) - and her grandma told her that, basically, she wasted her life, becoming a doctor but being single at 30something.
It's so much tougher for women.

statistically, however, there's only few women who stay without children. And quite a lot of men. you do the math -


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CockneyRebel
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17 Jun 2017, 7:38 pm

I couldn't handle marriage or even the friends with benefits lifestyle. I'm a rebel. I'm willing and prepared to live a life without a partner if it means keeping my freedom and identity.


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18 Jun 2017, 2:19 am

There is a stigma for both genders but it is a lot worse for women. For men the stigma does not start in earnest until much later than 31.


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QuantumChemist
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18 Jun 2017, 10:10 am

shlaifu wrote:
there's a neighbour downstairs, who's got a wife and a young child and he always gave me a certain look, - I'm probably five years older, unkempt and unshaven, don't even own an iron to iron clothing, and so on.
he certainly looked surprised when we ran into each other at the local university, where he's studying and I'm teaching.

anyway, yes, depending on what "milestones of adult life" you decided to go for -house, car, etc- people will be judging you more or less.
I have a female friend whose a doctor, around my age (early 30ies) - and her grandma told her that, basically, she wasted her life, becoming a doctor but being single at 30something.
It's so much tougher for women.



statistically, however, there's only few women who stay without children. And quite a lot of men. you do the math -


I heard the same from some of the members of my family when I graduated with my PhD. They somehow relate that only being married and then having kids is the honorable way to live. They adore one of my cousins who murdered a kid when he was young (got away with it too), has done literally nothing notable with his life except to get married and have a kid. He has anger issues to say the least. His wife left him after years of him beating her and his son wants nothing to do with him due to this. Yet after all of that, he is still golden with half of my family members because he got married and had a child.

None of these relatives ever set foot on a university campus, except to go to someone's graduation ceremony there. They inherited most of what they have and have no ambition to do anything better than what they have ever done. I even got the "Oh, you're not a medical doctor? So, what good are you to me?" comment from my cousin. They still wander why I no longer attend family reunions with them because they would use me as an example to pick on while I was still within earshot. As my father used to say: "You just need to learn to rise above them by whatever means that you make take.". That is exactly what I have done.



michael517
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18 Jun 2017, 9:49 pm

I wanted to get married, and I am. If I didn't think a person was a suitable mate, wouldn't go any further.

So, no.



GiantHockeyFan
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19 Jun 2017, 7:29 am

I don't see being married as giving up 'freedom' or independence at all. I got married because she accepted me for who I was and we both had many years of being single before getting together. Maybe I just got lucky but if anything marriage has increased my freedom. I now have another extended family, much more financial security and a house that I would NEVER be able to afford on my own.

Now my ex GF on the other hand would have ruined me financially, emotionally and physically but keep in mind I knew she was not marriage material and foolishly thought I could help her become that but looking back realize you can't change another.