I am a bad luck

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all,

Been awhile since posting on here. I have been busy working with a local Council just until last week when my contract through disability program ended. Now I am back unemployed and waiting on job offers including the Council. Over past few months of life is hell. Whilst having great time being finally employed in government, my social life and relationships is still shocking. I met lot of women through networks such as through work, meetup, local environmental groups and local sport teams I joined. History repeats when I meet and if I like them asking them out. I get lot of different kind of rejections such as sorry I have a boyfriend/or liking someone else, scared ran away not replying to me, not seeing me attractive and that etc etc as usual.

It so frustrating! I turned 26 earlier this year, and now I am feeling scared more as I age because my luck running out. I have been virtually everywhere and have done so many different things including people's advices I took and that. Nothing has worked. I have been to social groups, sports groups, dating websites, speed dating, friend match maker, meetup events, volunteering and attend as much as everything I have gone for my interests and passions. Nothing has helped me by making friends and relationships.

So to the point today I feel like I am awkward, dumbfounded and ret*d autistic male who never get privileges in terms of social life and relationships. I do understand all aspects of autism and such, but it seems everywhere I go I always get people to dislike and confuse me. I have no idea why. My psychologists that I have been seeing for very long time told me I have been improving a lot over the years and been much more mature even more mature than people at my age who never get s**t together like what things I have like apartment, car, insurance, volunteer, job opportunities/career, networking, money and so on. I thought they are attractive qualities in terms of being friends and having a relationship with someone.

It seems I am living in such backwards lifestyle where I do positive things and positive attitudes towards people I get nothing in return. It so impossible to get me out of trap like poverty trap where the bad luck kept following me. Over period of time I getting more frustrated and causing me more stress and difficulty finding happiness and healthy genes for connection. It made me depressed, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and severe loneliness. I have more bad days than happy days. Like 80 to 20. I never caused these bad days. it the way I am being treated and that. I think autism and that mental stigma is causing my life living hell. I tend to get left behind in everything.

I wish life is normal.

Not one single person empathise with me? I wonder why the world always dont empathise with me when I speak up about my experiences. How cruel!

You are trying everything, but you aren't having fun with it. Don't you see, you need to have fun when you are out socializing with people even though you are getting rejected. Dating when you are in your 20's is about having fun. Plenty of fish in the sea, so keep on throwing your fishing pole in the water to catch the right woman, and soon enough you'll get a big fish.

Even when you are 89 and a virgin try to have fun with this dating game.

I like women to the point that I value even the slightest second they are spending time sitting next to me eating with me, and even if I am friendzoned.

Try to have my optimistic attitude.

Even when you are 89 years old and a virgin try to still have fun with this dating game.

Well perhaps it would help if you gave examples of how you approach people...and peoples reactions. Otherwise there are tons and tons of reasons people might dislike someone or get a wrong impression, but without more details it's hard to say if there is anything in interaction you do that might bother people let alone what it is.

I dont have approach problems, if I do I would be totally insecure about my autistic traits which is normal for us autistic people. I am a ND because of my hearing loss. I find so many insecure young people these days because they get partners by judging their beauty of fashion, hairstyles, physical looks and alcohol party attitudes. Lucky them. They are insecure and successful people.

I was told I am insecure emotionally, well perhaps that is a very common autistic trait. You cant get rid of it. You cant fix a disability. You cant fix people personalities. But you can fix attitudes and fix stereotypical bigotry stances.

I just don;t understand why I am bad luck since I have been everywhere! I took everybody advices for many years. I been socially active and involved with so many different things. I asked women out not desperately and still rejected. It seems there something wrong with me. My autistic traits involving negative cycles and perspectives is ruining my romantic chances. I cant fix that, because its autism!

Why I am always asked to change myself!

I'm sure many who have viewed the thread have been in your situation and feel for you. I was like this once.
Is empathy (while comforting) really useful in this situation though?

It seems you don't like the way the world or society in general works.
So you wish to change every other variable apart from yourself until it fits you.

Let me ask you something; in a game of checkers where your opponent's skills and strategies were meagre, would it be fair to have all their pieces on the board turned into Kings and any scrutiny of this see you kicked from the game?

A key point you bring up about the people you scald - they are successful.
You don't have to be like them or do what they do to get to where they are. HOWEVER, you definitely have to develop a solution that works for you on your own terms that is at least plausible. Changing the way the entire game works because you feel slighted simply isn't plausible. Changing yourself or what you do is.

EDIT: I note and appreciate this is something you have at least tried to do through various means such as joining interest groups and aligning this pursuit of happiness with your hobbies and interests. Without knowing you personally or having been present in any of these situations I can only offer condolences yet assume the entitlement you are feeling for your perceived good nature has been apparent to others. We owe it to ourselves to lead happy lives with all the virtues we'd expect of others. Remember though that these are merely our expectations, not necessarily what we are entitled to. As you've seen for yourself, many equal opportunities in the world exist but that does not equate to an equal opportunity of outcome. We are a chaotic species and not bound to arithmetic structures.

Well as far as I can tell based on this post you probably come off condescending and like you think you're better/more mature/more responsible and generally more perfect than most anyone else in your age group. That is not an attitude people like regardless of where you've been or what you've accomplished professionally.

Also negative cycles and perspectives isn't autism...you can have autism and still work on and improve negative perspectives...autism can contribute to obsessing over it or getting too caught up in a negative cycle, which can make it hard to dig ones self out of it, but its certainly possible.

I think you looking at a different square. I am direct, strong, straightforwarded and honest person. If I changed myself apart from these quirks which is common for autistic people then I will become insecure. I have psychologists for 8 years, and until more recent they told me I am well ahead of many people in my age group due to my professional career driven commitments and attitude skills. I was told I know more communication skills than NT people. Its because I listened and learned from psychologists, counselors, workshops and programs I attended.

Many NT people don't do this, hence they think they aren't the problem. I think, Sweetleaf you are making a double standard here but strangely you also autistic like me. I am talking about people perceives. That lead to several assumptions. We are living in ironic society where least successful guys get several dates and romantic relationships than successful guys. There are so many ironic examples here too. For instance, physical appearances etc.

Regarding the negative cycles, I used to have several meltdowns when I was younger. I cope to deal with it. Today I am frustrated and that pushed me off. Its because I am afraid of being lonely, socially isolated and not getting support. That is why I am frustrated today. I can't go on like pretend everything is normal and happy or things are all good. That doesn't work that way. No surprise mental health is huge problem in 21st century. Worse than terrorism!

I am very smart and well intelligent human being. I took a lot of efforts attending workshops, classes, courses, trainings and sessions that to improve my lifestyle. The other side of this, its people advices that I took for years turns out stereotypical and identity crisis. Of course Autism in general is facing global issue due to different perspectives. That causes deficit in employment, housing, welfare and that etc. You can tell my point here.....

I think it's time your perception of things be shattered so you can re-assemble it in some sort of fashion which might actually serve to help you later. Why? Because whatever it is you're doing at this point in your life isn't working. It's why you're here. This thread simply wouldn't exist if this wasn't the case. OK, so let's start from the top:

This is only how you perceive yourself to be. It is not necessarily true, although I believe you are being as honest as you can be with others. These traits aren't quirks by the way, they are virtues; virtues not limited to Aspies nor default attributes Aspies have. You are not by default a good person simply for being Autistic or by being you. This of course doesn't mean you aren't good a person...I'm just making that abundantly clear first and foremost as you seem to have built most of your worldview on this idea that "Ecomatt good, dumdums bad" and used a number of logical fallacies in order to do this. This includes the following:

To a greater extent, ordinary careers do not determine your, integrity, moral alignment or IQ any more than your diagnosis or choice of school does. Time to leave these notions at the door or at least explore them somewhere else like Haven or PPR.


You're right. NT's in general don't go to therapists, psychiatrists or workshops to develop their social skills or deal with their mental health issues. Why? Because generally they don't lack social skills, and don't have mental health issues!! Who'dve thunk.

It would therefore stand to reason that there is no pressure for them to address any underlying issues they may have as their peers won't see them as any different from them in any alarming sort of way. So yes, of course (while they're not perfect) there is no indication to the individual or their peers that they are the problem. So if you take out all these people who aren't a problem, who are you left with? Personally, I don't think problem is the word we're really looking for here. None of us are problems. We're individuals looking to find our way and ideally get what we want and what we need in life. It's made a lot easier with integration with society. If you don't fit to societies norms you have to accept that won't be easy. And before you can expect people to tolerate your quirks -as you put it- it might be worth learning how to tolerate theirs.

You seem to make a lot of assumptions about the way others perceive you and other people. You also assume that all Aspies are the same, and share collective opinions and foresight. It would seem a lot of the issues you have with other people...you don't have to venture very far to find them at all. You needn't go further than your inner psyche. It's a harsh criticism I know, but break this cycle you're stuck in and these thoughts will go away. Then the onus on others being judgmental lies solely on them and not you.

I'd like to point out that how you define and measure success might not be how another person would measure it. You measure it much like a young person living in the "rat race" would. You're chasing this idea of success, seeing it in others, comparing yourself to it, and wondering how this formula you've managed to conjure up hasn't worked for you but has for others. Like the system has to be rigged against you somehow, or that others having things you want to have that you don't (looks?) should not be a means by which to have your self worth measured.

Note my wording in that last sentence. Self worth. Much like we don't all see success as the same thing as each other, how we value ourselves isn't how others will value us either. There could be a really nice girl who hates the jock-type trope you've been using to pillar your arguments on, and she might like a guy with a stable career who isn't necessarily the most attractive guy but nice enough looking and can hold a conversation pretty well. Is that you? You might think so. And you might be right. But if she doesn't believe so, then this isn't true as far as you and her are concerned. And on a simpler note - what's wrong with being attracted to someone and working from there? Care to elaborate? Who are we to judge how others should date or become partners?

It is likely you're still in a rut of some kind and coping mechanisms are in full throttle.

At least while you try to say the opposite in this thread, you are at least acknowledging it to some degree. From here things can only get better.

This would make a great philosophical and political debate in PPR! Sorry, going off topic. Back to topic..

Please refer to the beginning of this post.

No, I really don't. I've been attending a local Aspie group for years. Some are severely disabled yet have still managed to further their lives. Some have married, gotten nice jobs. Some are simply devoted to their hobbies and this contents them enough. Yes there are boundless obstacles in their pursuits but the moment you stop even trying to jump the hurdles or pitfalls they are no longer obstacles but excuses.

Matt, I'm going to be blunt. If things are how you say they are this thread wouldn't have ever been made.
It sounds like you've made a great deal of improvements in your life. That is admirable but you've let it go to your head. You've only won half the battle.

The Spectrum makes so much sense here.

You say you have tried it all, but you still obsess with asking every girl you find interesting out. You shouldn't ask every girl you see out, you should only do that when you KNOW she is interested in you. Building a huge rejection record might be good for "bragging" about how bad everything is, but it sure isn't useful for getting into a relationship. So stop this useless behaviour now, and study girls for signs that they might like you before you ask them out.

Fine its my problem and my fault to be this and being autistic by the way my brain designed to me after I born 26 years ago.

That's all wrong. It's not autistic to ask every girl you see out. It's autistic to not ask any girl out at all. This is something you learned to do in the wrong way, and you can re-learn to do it in a better way. So stop blaming your own bad compensatory behaviours on autism.

That's all fine, except those "skills" are pretty useless for relationships. That's because you have little chance with most NT women (and the skills they learn you are for NTs), and the "skills" are pretty useless with NDs.



Most sane people don't care if you are successful or not. They value you based on other attributes like if you are nice, persistent, funny and so on. Remember that you are not applying for a job. You are searching for a life-partner.



It's a choice to try to be like an NT. You made that choice, so you will have to deal with the consequences of that choice.



I never took that kind of advice, and I'm successful, married, have nice kids (on the spectrum), and I'm certainly not depressed.

Exactly my point you cant even acknowledge that you tend to speak down on your peers, it doesn't matter if you're strong, straightforward, honest, career driven or know more about communication skills...if you have an attitude of superiority about you it is going to bother people. So that is why I am curious how you go about trying to make friends or approach women you like..if you go on about all the great things about you for instance and don't ask them about themselves or you cut them off to go on about what you've accomplished over them they could take it as rude and like you are downplaying their accomplisments.

Oh dear.