Sometimes it's not you (27 wrong reasons you're single)

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hurtloam
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17 Jun 2017, 12:26 pm

I bought this book about being a long time single woman. The author wrote it after getting positive responses to her article in the NY times

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/fashion/sometimes-its-not-you-or-the-math-modern-love.html

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I also talked to a lot of self-help authors. There was the Tough-Love Married Lady who declared the key to finding a soul mate was to grow up, quit whining and do something about your hair. There was the Magical Soul-Mate Finder who prescribed keeping a journal, long hikes, candle-lighted bubble baths and other hocus-pocus. And there was The Man — i.e., a moderately cute guy who wrote a book — who gave insider tips on how to hook up with him, which involved not being critical and having long hair.

So I grew my hair out. I took bubble baths. And, of course, I started examining my issues. Was my failure a result of my latent commitment-phobia (cleverly masked as really wanting commitment), as one helmet-haired expert implied? Did I feel inherently unworthy and broadcast that low self-assessment to every man I met? (Another gentle suggestion.) Did my failure to “love myself” mean I was unable to love another?


Quote:
Did we find love because we grew up, got real and worked through our issues? No. We just found the right guys. We found men who love us even though we’re still cranky and neurotic, haven’t got our careers together, and sometimes talk too loudly, drink too much and swear at the television news. We have gray hairs and unfashionable clothes and bad attitudes. They love us, anyway.

What’s wrong with me? Plenty. But that was never the point.


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hurtloam
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19 Jun 2017, 7:10 am

Gosh. I really feel like there's no one like me on the planet. I've got a couple of female friends who get it, but I really must be very unusual.


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Chronos
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23 Jun 2017, 9:48 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I bought this book about being a long time single woman. The author wrote it after getting positive responses to her article in the NY times

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/fashion/sometimes-its-not-you-or-the-math-modern-love.html

Quote:
I also talked to a lot of self-help authors. There was the Tough-Love Married Lady who declared the key to finding a soul mate was to grow up, quit whining and do something about your hair. There was the Magical Soul-Mate Finder who prescribed keeping a journal, long hikes, candle-lighted bubble baths and other hocus-pocus. And there was The Man — i.e., a moderately cute guy who wrote a book — who gave insider tips on how to hook up with him, which involved not being critical and having long hair.

So I grew my hair out. I took bubble baths. And, of course, I started examining my issues. Was my failure a result of my latent commitment-phobia (cleverly masked as really wanting commitment), as one helmet-haired expert implied? Did I feel inherently unworthy and broadcast that low self-assessment to every man I met? (Another gentle suggestion.) Did my failure to “love myself” mean I was unable to love another?


Quote:
Did we find love because we grew up, got real and worked through our issues? No. We just found the right guys. We found men who love us even though we’re still cranky and neurotic, haven’t got our careers together, and sometimes talk too loudly, drink too much and swear at the television news. We have gray hairs and unfashionable clothes and bad attitudes. They love us, anyway.

What’s wrong with me? Plenty. But that was never the point.


In my case, it is me, and I'm positive of this, though I'm not entirely sure what it is about me. I've accepted though that I'm different and while I think I do have many qualities that someone would want in a partner, normal isn't one of them and evolution biases people towards normal.



hurtloam
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Yesterday, 3:49 am

It can just take longer to find someone compatible if you're quirky. Do you really want a normal partner? That would be a horrible combination of boring and stressful.

its not that there's anything more wrong with us than anyone else, it just takes time to meet someone that we connect with and who we can be ourselves with.


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Chronos
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Yesterday, 11:16 pm

hurtloam wrote:
It can just take longer to find someone compatible if you're quirky. Do you really want a normal partner? That would be a horrible combination of boring and stressful.

its not that there's anything more wrong with us than anyone else, it just takes time to meet someone that we connect with and who we can be ourselves with.


What I had meant was, other people gravitate towards normal and that I am not.



kraftiekortie
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Today, 3:01 am

I don't believe it is some sort of "lie" to believe it is "them," and not "I."

As long as one is "different" while being "faithful" to one's self, rather than being "different" merely to be "different."

(though there are those who believe in iconoclasm 'being contrary merely to be contrary' , and can connect to those of 'like mind.')