Sometimes it's not you (27 wrong reasons you're single)

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hurtloam
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17 Jun 2017, 12:26 pm

I bought this book about being a long time single woman. The author wrote it after getting positive responses to her article in the NY times

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/fashion/sometimes-its-not-you-or-the-math-modern-love.html

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I also talked to a lot of self-help authors. There was the Tough-Love Married Lady who declared the key to finding a soul mate was to grow up, quit whining and do something about your hair. There was the Magical Soul-Mate Finder who prescribed keeping a journal, long hikes, candle-lighted bubble baths and other hocus-pocus. And there was The Man — i.e., a moderately cute guy who wrote a book — who gave insider tips on how to hook up with him, which involved not being critical and having long hair.

So I grew my hair out. I took bubble baths. And, of course, I started examining my issues. Was my failure a result of my latent commitment-phobia (cleverly masked as really wanting commitment), as one helmet-haired expert implied? Did I feel inherently unworthy and broadcast that low self-assessment to every man I met? (Another gentle suggestion.) Did my failure to “love myself” mean I was unable to love another?


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Did we find love because we grew up, got real and worked through our issues? No. We just found the right guys. We found men who love us even though we’re still cranky and neurotic, haven’t got our careers together, and sometimes talk too loudly, drink too much and swear at the television news. We have gray hairs and unfashionable clothes and bad attitudes. They love us, anyway.

What’s wrong with me? Plenty. But that was never the point.


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hurtloam
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19 Jun 2017, 7:10 am

Gosh. I really feel like there's no one like me on the planet. I've got a couple of female friends who get it, but I really must be very unusual.


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Chronos
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23 Jun 2017, 9:48 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I bought this book about being a long time single woman. The author wrote it after getting positive responses to her article in the NY times

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/fashion/sometimes-its-not-you-or-the-math-modern-love.html

Quote:
I also talked to a lot of self-help authors. There was the Tough-Love Married Lady who declared the key to finding a soul mate was to grow up, quit whining and do something about your hair. There was the Magical Soul-Mate Finder who prescribed keeping a journal, long hikes, candle-lighted bubble baths and other hocus-pocus. And there was The Man — i.e., a moderately cute guy who wrote a book — who gave insider tips on how to hook up with him, which involved not being critical and having long hair.

So I grew my hair out. I took bubble baths. And, of course, I started examining my issues. Was my failure a result of my latent commitment-phobia (cleverly masked as really wanting commitment), as one helmet-haired expert implied? Did I feel inherently unworthy and broadcast that low self-assessment to every man I met? (Another gentle suggestion.) Did my failure to “love myself” mean I was unable to love another?


Quote:
Did we find love because we grew up, got real and worked through our issues? No. We just found the right guys. We found men who love us even though we’re still cranky and neurotic, haven’t got our careers together, and sometimes talk too loudly, drink too much and swear at the television news. We have gray hairs and unfashionable clothes and bad attitudes. They love us, anyway.

What’s wrong with me? Plenty. But that was never the point.


In my case, it is me, and I'm positive of this, though I'm not entirely sure what it is about me. I've accepted though that I'm different and while I think I do have many qualities that someone would want in a partner, normal isn't one of them and evolution biases people towards normal.



hurtloam
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24 Jun 2017, 3:49 am

It can just take longer to find someone compatible if you're quirky. Do you really want a normal partner? That would be a horrible combination of boring and stressful.

its not that there's anything more wrong with us than anyone else, it just takes time to meet someone that we connect with and who we can be ourselves with.


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Chronos
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24 Jun 2017, 11:16 pm

hurtloam wrote:
It can just take longer to find someone compatible if you're quirky. Do you really want a normal partner? That would be a horrible combination of boring and stressful.

its not that there's anything more wrong with us than anyone else, it just takes time to meet someone that we connect with and who we can be ourselves with.


What I had meant was, other people gravitate towards normal and that I am not.



kraftiekortie
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25 Jun 2017, 3:01 am

I don't believe it is some sort of "lie" to believe it is "them," and not "I."

As long as one is "different" while being "faithful" to one's self, rather than being "different" merely to be "different."

(though there are those who believe in iconoclasm 'being contrary merely to be contrary' , and can connect to those of 'like mind.')



nomoretears
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08 Sep 2017, 4:11 pm

Chronos wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I bought this book about being a long time single woman. The author wrote it after getting positive responses to her article in the NY times

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/fashion/sometimes-its-not-you-or-the-math-modern-love.html

Quote:
I also talked to a lot of self-help authors. There was the Tough-Love Married Lady who declared the key to finding a soul mate was to grow up, quit whining and do something about your hair. There was the Magical Soul-Mate Finder who prescribed keeping a journal, long hikes, candle-lighted bubble baths and other hocus-pocus. And there was The Man — i.e., a moderately cute guy who wrote a book — who gave insider tips on how to hook up with him, which involved not being critical and having long hair.

So I grew my hair out. I took bubble baths. And, of course, I started examining my issues. Was my failure a result of my latent commitment-phobia (cleverly masked as really wanting commitment), as one helmet-haired expert implied? Did I feel inherently unworthy and broadcast that low self-assessment to every man I met? (Another gentle suggestion.) Did my failure to “love myself” mean I was unable to love another?


Quote:
Did we find love because we grew up, got real and worked through our issues? No. We just found the right guys. We found men who love us even though we’re still cranky and neurotic, haven’t got our careers together, and sometimes talk too loudly, drink too much and swear at the television news. We have gray hairs and unfashionable clothes and bad attitudes. They love us, anyway.

What’s wrong with me? Plenty. But that was never the point.


In my case, it is me, and I'm positive of this, though I'm not entirely sure what it is about me. I've accepted though that I'm different and while I think I do have many qualities that someone would want in a partner, normal isn't one of them and evolution biases people towards normal.

Same here, its me. Other women i know dobt struggle with love and dating like i do. Not even close. Its something about me. I say and do weird things, im forgetful, and im stupid-smart.



hurtloam
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09 Sep 2017, 12:54 am

If you read the book the woman who wrote it isn't "normal".

The point of the article and book is to counteract the stupid things other people say to single women that are a load of rubbish.

That's why I liked it.

My friend's mum told me that I am too independent. Really. There's other independent women in relationships. Thanks for putting me down friend's mum.

My mum says I'm too intelligent. Well explain the fact that there are millions of intelligent women in relationships.

You need to improve x,y and z. But there are millions of other women in relationships who never even had to consider improving x,y or z.
X,y and z don't matter.

Or "just wait and love will come to you". Why is it coming to other people and not me?

My most hated piece of advice is "God knows that maybe this isn't the right time for you." That is an absolute load of rubbish even if you do believe in God. Did he stop other people getting into relationships before they were ready? No. Were they less faithful than me because he didn't protect them from going out with someone who wasn't right for them? Again. No. Why would i be better or deserving of more prorection than other people who are getting into relationships that arent right for them. Purlease :roll:


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SixthTitan
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09 Sep 2017, 8:56 am

I kind of stopped focusing so much on trying to find a partner.
It just stresses me out.

And for the previous statement, there may be millions of intelligent woman yes who find someone but I can tell you off the bat that am still single and intelligent so that doesn't always work out that way.

I've gone on a few dates and stuff but they always ended horribly either i moved too fast or didn't apparently love them or i wasn't making any effort. Heard them all before...

Personally, if i were you.
I just would stop and enjoy your life now.

There's plenty of ways not to be alone without having to date and or marry someone.
You could write a book
You could adopt
You could get a pet
You could volunteer
You could go to a club.

Just so many ways and none of them are permanent, if there's someone you don't like simple just leave like that.
No need to consult with your partner either if you get a job out west. Just pack your bags and head off!

Do I dodge seeking a partner?
Nope, if it happens then it happens.

But until then I am enjoying my life and having fun!
I even started volunteering as a leader at Girl Scouts and have a ton of fun helping young girls and made a few friends too with the other camp leaders.



hurtloam
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09 Sep 2017, 10:52 am

I also hate the stop looking you don't need someone advice. I will keep looking thank you.

I'm ok on my own, but i would quite like to experience a relationship.i do have hobbies and do things with other people. I don't just sit at home and mope.

My doing so is no threat to anyone else. I don't think others who choose to be alone have less of a life.

But this is who I am and I want to have a relationship. I want that little bit of the human experience.

I'm sick of being shamed for wanting something normal.


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NightEclipse
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24 Sep 2017, 1:43 am

I'm single because I choose to be. I like not having to deal with guys, especially if they're anything like my ex-boyfriend.


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hurtloam
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24 Sep 2017, 2:12 am

NightEclipse wrote:
I'm single because I choose to be. I like not having to deal with guys, especially if they're anything like my ex-boyfriend.


You are not alone. Most women on wrong planet feel this way.

I'm actually getting to the point where I don't want anyone. I'm sick of being judged as unworthy. I know I'm not single through choice, no one wants me, but I'm ok being single because i'd rather be alone than forced into other peoples ideas of how I should behave.

If who I am now is off putting, well tough, I'm not changing who I am.

I think reading this book helped me get to this point where I was like, wow, it's ok to be me.


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peregrina
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02 Oct 2017, 8:23 pm

I am single and am not looking. I don't care.
Honestly, I am tired of those people who ask me why I am still single, whether I want a family, etc.
Once a woman (from Mediterranean culture) said to me "Those single women who have passed "marriageable" age are too picky." I was furious. I said to her: "Oh, it's better that they endure the unhealthy relationships and end up in domestic violence. We women don't have right to live a single life and feel content?" :roll: