Partner going out and getting drunk

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I've been with my partner 3 years, we are engaged and he is loving to me. But he's got friendly with a couple of men from his work who keep organising these drinking events, and my partner goes along with them and don't know when to stop drinking once he starts. Nearly every time there's a birthday or somebody leaving, these people throw these drinking events. It's beginning to become a regular thing and I can't cope with it.

I don't drink, and drunk people worry me. Last night he came in absolutely blotto after a stupid drinking event, and it was my first time in having to deal with a very drunk person. He wasn't aggressive, he was just talking nonsense and saying weird things like "I don't know why you love me cos I'm gonna die one day" and "your mum and dad are nice but they make fun of me" and random untrue things like that and I didn't like it. Also he almost tipped the kitchen table over while trying to get up.
I went to bed crying my heart out. I hate his friends who suck him into this drinking stuff. He wouldn't do this otherwise. I don't mind him seeing his friends but if it's going to end up with him in a drunken mess then it's not very nice.

I've had a tight chest all night, due to panic. He sobered up again in early morning but when I try to tell him how I feel he tells me to not carry on at him. I don't want to leave him but I am now in a panic in case it happens again.

Joe, I know you say he is loving to you, but is it really a loving thing to act in a way that causes you worry and anxiety, and then refuse to talk about it?

Everyone is human and can do things that cause a problem to their significant other, but a truly loving partner is willing to hear the other party out, say "I messed up" and try to be better -- or not even do that thing in the first place.

It's one thing for him to have made some friends he can hang out with, that's fair enough, and it's one thing for there to be some nice social drinking which is very commonplace in our culture. But the heavy drinking that your boyfriend seems to keep up with to severe detriment to himself and to you is "not on".

Being that you are already a person with anxiety and your Asperger's, it's not at all considerate of your boyfriend to come home in a state that he should know will cause you distress. That's "we need to talk" territory, and then he refuses to talk about it!

I'm very worried about this situation. A loving partner is a partner you can "work with" over issues that may come up for either one of you, and this doesn't sound like that.

Ugh. I can't deal with drunks either.
Unfortunately as said above, social drinking is acceptable in many cultures. People even have no other goal sometimes except this - the lets-go-out-and-get-drunk scenario. It's apparently fun and no big deal. And if you don't mind if he sees these friends and don't mind if he drinks sensibly, then you're not "carrying on at" him. Saying you are is casting you in the role of the nagging wife / girlfriend, constantly trying to rain on his parade and stop him having fun - and therefore making you the one at fault.
If someone has a drinking problem, often they are very adept at putting the blame for the problem on someone else. It's never about them drinking - it's about you being a nag and a killjoy. If that kind of behaviour starts cropping up, you do have to be wary about what's going on in my experience. Not saying he does have a problem, but this kind of behaviour can be indicative.
I do hesitate to give any advice / opinion because these situations are highly individual, but I would suggest (for consideration in relation to your own situation only) that if he refuses to engage when you try to talk to him and tell him that this drunkenness is making you uncomfortable, then make it a statement. Tell him he isn't to come home drunk. If he's getting drunk, stay the night with these great mates of his and do not cross the line with you.
If you are the kind of autistic who is able to have friendships, I would also suggest informing a friend about this, and setting up a contingency (if not, relatives may be utilized if you're on good terms and in proximity) - have them agree to have you stay over if your partner comes back drunk. If he does so, leave immediately and go to your friend's. Don't just put up with it and allow his disregard of your feelings make you panic. When he sobers up in the morning and wonders where you are, state again that you will not tolerate this drunkenness around you, and if he continues to do this, you will continue to be absent.
I'm not suggesting you move in with your friends and let him continue his behaviour - but it might be enough to make him address this with you, instead of believing he can just bat you off and do as he pleases even though it distresses you, and that there will be no consequences to this behaviour.
I hope he sees reason. Being around drunks sucks.

I like that 'consequences' method, C2V -- this can be a very effective way of getting a point across in actions when the person refuses to work with words, plus many more advantages in Joe physically removing herself.

Hate to say it, but I'm worried about you and your mental health. He may be loving in other ways, but this is very unfair on you.

He is not taking responsibility for his actions and he is taking it out on you. You have been more than sweet and reasonable with him, you're only trying to help him as his girlfriend. Why is he not listening? He isn't listening to you. He is being disrespectful, and he isn't admitting he has major problems. This is a major red flag. He sounds like the kind of person who will never admit his problems and take them out on other people instead, even getting angry at them if they challenge him.

He is going to get worse. Please get out of there now.

What smudge describes in the quote I've placed below, exactly describes a man I was involved with, including the aspect of "he is only going to get worse." My boyfriend "got worse" to the point where I had to make myself homeless in fleeing the relationship.

I don't want to tell you what to do and I might be completely wrong in thinking your boyfriend and relationship is the same as my bad one, but I would think twice about moving in with this man. I took a chance moving in with mine, COMPLETELY BELIEVING he would never turn out the way he did, just like you probably completely believe your boyfriend would never be that way either. And yet my life ended up in ruins. And I completely trusted my boyfriend; we had known each since the age of 12, is how sure I was that I knew this person and could predict that no such outcome was likely. Yet he turned into the worst person of my life, and it started with the basic elements you describe.

Please, even if you still see this person, please think very hard about moving in with someone who already nags you about doing dishes (another thread you spoke of this) and is disrespecting you in your concerns about his bad behavior and his refusal to see it as such.

Also, even if it hadn't been these three drinking buddies, or he dumps them tomorrow, the fact that they were in his life at all means there could be another set of the same type again, or a different thing he starts doing that is severely detrimental, as he seems to have poor judgement. I'm glad he treats you like a princess in other ways, but the fact that he is not acting like a prince in these key ways cancels out the other moments.

He doesn't drink stupidly when he goes out with his family. It's just these 3 men he's got himself in with. He's easily influenced. I do wish he hadn't befriended these people. Also he suffers with low self-esteem. Years ago, before I knew him, he had 2 unexpected tragic deaths in his family and it affected him an awful lot, and he turned to the bottle to deal with it. He works full-time so doesn't drink much, and I've been on a vacation with him 6 times and he only drank about 1 or 2 beers a time. I really don't want to just leave him. He pays for meals and takes me on vacations and treats me like a princess, literally. It's like he's ashamed of his drinking habit but don't have self-control when it comes to being around other men that are drinking.

I hate when people say to just leave. It's not as easy as that. I just need to find a way to handle it. Maybe if I get him at the right time we could have a talk and he might actually listen. But lately it's been very hot and he doesn't like the hot weather much, so it's hard to get him in the right mood.

But you see, Joe, even the fact that you have to seek out or wait for a right time to get him to talk about something seriously affecting you and the health of the relationship, is a hallmark of an unhealthy relationship.

I know it's a tricky balance to discern between ordinary "mood" stuff, as it's so common in general society for us to talk about things like catching someone in the right mood -- asking Dad if we can have a puppy, catching the boss in a good mood to talk about a pay-rise or promotion, etc etc.

It's thought of as an ordinary thing to talk to someone at the "right time" and not when they are in a bad mood -- I totally get that.

But on the other hand, there is an invisible line where this is not healthy. When you have to delay a serious discussion just because the person can't handle the weather, or had had bad things happen in their lives, or any number of reasons/excuses, you have to start calling this out as a person who is just too prickly to be someone you can work with.

We all have bad things that have happened to us; we all have a problem with hot weather, cold weather, etc.

But you can't live life having to avoid opening up important discussion with the most important person in your life just because of these things, because.....there will ALWAYS be something!

Seriously, when someone has issues, there will always be one or other issue preventing you from feeling able to approach them.

The thing too is, when one is in a relationship like this, one always makes excuses for the other person. It's only when I got out of mine and got help from a good counselor who was very good with relationship issues that I saw the light of how I was making excuses because I was so desperate just to keep the relationship.

I only learned afterward that it really was the best thing for my life to leave it. But when IN it at the time, I could not see that at all. I have a feeling you are in that place.

Joe, check out this link, I just now saw this article on MSN and this pertains:
http://www.msn.com/en-gb/lifestyle/family-relationships/21-things-your-partner-should-never-ask-you-to-do/ss-BBCQZQk?li=BBoPWjQ&ocid=iehp#image=3

I just hope he doesn't turn into a "bad drunk."

Drinking does change the person's mood--and drinking can cause a "dependent" situation (i.e., alcoholism).

I know it's a part of some sections of many cultures to drink----but I don't think his "drinking games" are good. Just because something is "part of a culture" doesn't mean it's good.

You never know how he might act when he's "pissed." I would really have a stern talk about his drinking. And tell him the consequences which you've experienced in your life because of drinking.

I really hope he doesn't drive when he's drunk.

He sounds like a "normal bloke" type of guy. Not a bad guy. Sort of like a "regular guy" here in the US.

But, sometimes, "normal bloke" kind of guys can get nasty, especially if they have had too much to drink.

If he really cares for you, he'll listen to your concerns, and will feel good that you care enough about him to prevent him from becoming an alcoholic.

Once somebody becomes an alcoholic, it's really hard for that person to "break the cycle."

But kraftie, Joe reports that even outside of any drinking or being drunk, things bother him and he gets snappy at her, doesn't want to talk about something that's a problem for her.

This doesn't seem like regular guy stuff to me, this seems like a person with depression, anger, something's under his skin, and he tends to take things out on Joe verbally and irritably even when not drunk. It's the snapping she has mentioned even when no booze is involved. He seems deeply unwilling to ever listen to Joe when she tries to tell him something is bothering her. This isn't healthy between two people. One or both in a relationship may have their "moments" but the key thing is, can you talk things out together? Can you always work together at sticking points for either of you? Where there is irritable refusal to discuss anything, there is no health in the relationship and things will get worse.

Joe, people have a lot of good points about the direction of your relationship. It sounds like lately, you have to do all the work. Do you want to continue in this pattern?

C2V seems to have a measured plan of action. This excessive drinking may give you an opening to talk about your other issues, but only if you have the fortitude to go all the way if bf declines to meet you halfway.

If you always make things easy for another person, they tend to take it easy for as long as possible.

Of course I agree with Birdie.

My wife is sort of like that. She doesn't like "talking about it." She just likes to "apologize" by doing nice things for me.

She drinks the occasional glass of wine.

Just because he drinks doesnt mean he is going to turn out as a bad partner some men can be really bad without even being a drinker .
My husband like his bacardi and coke he often drinks at weekends and in evenings sometimes gets pissed if he with a particular friend . I don.t drink but he gets really stupid when he been drinking.

But despite all that he is still the best thing taht ever happened to me. he is the first man Ive ever actually been happy with
He just like his bacardi and sometimes you cant stop them from drinking if its something they always done.

With your boyfriend it sounds like he like he just has a habit he cant break
. Im sure in time he might ease it back I dont know.

Caz72 - I agree, just because someone drinks doesn't mean they are a bad partner, and yes a bad partner may not even be a drinker.

My very, very bad partner did not have drinking as one of his problems.

But he did have the other behaviours that Joe describes her boyfriend having.

It's not so much the drinking that has made me say the things I've posted. It's the larger issue of the fact that he refuses to hear Joe about her concerns on this and also other issues she has posted about which he refuses to hear her about, talk with her about, or consider modifying out of consideration for Joe's particular reaction to them.

This is the hallmark of a person unwilling to "work with" their partner about something that becomes a sticking point.

If you refuse to "work with" someone, there is no relationship, at least not without a great deal of tension, festering wounds and ultimately implosion or explosion.

Also, they don't even live together yet. Joe has to travel a considerable distance to another town to spend a night or weekend with the boyfriend. You would think that since they already do not spend every night together, he could refrain from using a night she stays over to just go out with his drinking buddies instead, surely? And not come home so drunk that it frightened her to see him out of control and almost knocking the table over. This isn't just the occasional bacardi but being a good guy the rest of the time. This is a bit different.

You have to ask if these behaviours your partner is exhibiting are acceptable to you specifically, and if the answer is "no" ponder if he will a) change b) do this less often c) or at the very least listen. If the answer is "no" to at least one of these on more than on aspect of his behaviour or your relationship, then the relationship is dysfunctional as best and abusive at worst.

Now ask what would make you happy.