How to be friends with someone you love but can't be with?

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Sorry for what seems like a life story here, but there's a lot of background information that goes along with what I want to talk about. It's also my first time on the site, so it will help people understand a little bit about what I'm going through in my life at this time.

I know that I'm not the only one that has fallen in love with someone who grew up in the same neighborhood, and these feelings started back when I was much younger, before I was diagnosed. Back then, I was very shy, especially around girls, so any feelings that I had were kept to myself. I would see her around a few times over the years, but there was never any interaction between us. I would mostly see her around the neighborhood or in the hallways during high school, and I could never work up the courage to talk to her.

I was diagnosed with autism when I was in seventh grade, and it was around that time when I started to shelter myself in my room for long periods of time, only leaving to eat dinner or to go to school. During most of that time, I never really thought much of my condition, and in fact, I preferred to be alone. It wasn't until my junior year in high school that I started to open up more. At that time, I had gained a better understanding of how my mind worked, and I was able to get past the limitations that I faced. After graduating high school and starting college, I discovered what I wanted to do for a living. I was able to get a job to help pay for college, and didn't face too many communication problems while working. The friends I made in college and at work made it possible for me to open up much more, and it only rarely became awkward to communicate with someone.

A couple years ago, one of the neighbors was throwing a Christmas party for the neighborhood, and I didn't have much interest in going. After having dinner, I noticed something that I thought my parents forgot to take with them, so I went over to let them know. It turned out that it was nothing, and I was about to leave until they suggested that I stay, and I figured it would be a fun time. The neighbors that were throwing the party were the parents of the girl that I had feelings for, and she was there with them. When I started college, I didn't see her at all, and over time I had actually forgotten about her. So seeing her on that day reminded me of how I felt about her. After that, I decided to work towards telling her that I was in love with her.

There were quite a few times that all the neighbors got together to just hang out and have fun, and I decided to join along in the hopes that I could at least form a friendship with her. But most of the time there weren't many opportunities to talk to her. It was only until around a year later that I went to one of the other neighbors who was well connected with everyone. I sent a message saying that I had something important to ask about and that I wanted to do so in person. Sometime after that we met to discuss what I wanted to talk about. The whole time I was very nervous, and whenever I went to speak, I lost my voice. After that it turned into a guessing game, where I could only nod my head to answer any questions. Eventually, the right questions came up, and finally someone else knew how I felt. After my neighbor was able to get an answer, it became much easier to talk to them about it. She suggested a few ways that I could confess my love, and since I was still too nervous, we decided it would be better if she let her know for me.

I never felt as happy as I did on that day when I was finally able to act on my feelings. I patiently waited until I heard back from my neighbor, and I pushed away any fears or doubts that I had. About a week later, I was crushed to hear that she had already been dating someone for a little while now, and any hope of a relationship with her was lost. For several weeks afterwards, just thinking about her would bring me to tears. I tried to talk with my neighbor about it to ease the pain a bit, and she suggested that I try to form a lasting friendship with her. I took the advice, and we messaged each other to discuss what we could do together. We decided to go on a walk together, and we would ask each other various questions. I was able to handle it pretty well, and it didn't seem entirely one sided where only she was asking questions about me. At that time, I was still very overwhelmed by the sadness that I felt, and maintaining a friendship seemed impossible. I tried as hard as I could to hold it together, but around 8 month ago, I screwed up.

I had been on Facebook for a little while, and before she learned about how I felt, I added her as a friend. I figured that if I was unable to speak to her in person that maybe speaking online would be different. It didn't make it any easier for me to talk to her, but this way she knew that I at least wanted her as a friend. A while after I learned that my feelings couldn't be reciprocated, I tried posting what I was going through on Facebook, hoping that someone could tell me something to ease my troubles. I was so preoccupied by the pain that I felt that I didn't even think of how it made her feel to see my posts. When I looked back and saw that what I wrote didn't match what I had intended at the time, I'm sure that it was likely misunderstood. After that my neighbor suggested that she unfriend me, and as hard as it was to not have any communication with her, I understand that it was the best thing for me and her.

It was after that incident that I started to see a counselor about the issues I was facing, and it was through them that I learned about this site. I had originally planned on seeing a counselor before I made my mistake in an attempt to prevent such an event from occurring in the first place, but I overestimated my ability to handle it on my own. After that, I had no reason to see the counselor, since the guilt I feel for my actions has been enough to keep me from bothering her any more.

Now that some time has passed by, I want to try to rekindle a friendship with her, but it will be a very painful route to take. As hard as it is for me to know that she's dating someone else, I still want her to be happy even if she isn't with me. This brings me to the question I want to ask: Is it possible to maintain a friendship with someone you love, even knowing that he/she may never be with you? I've thought about it many times, and it only seems like I would be hurting myself more than if I chose not to be friends. It also seems unfair to her to try to be friends while I still have feelings for her. It would feel like I won't always have her best interests in mind, and I certainly wouldn't want that. Any thoughts or tips would be much appreciated. Again, sorry for the life story, but having more information to work with might make it easier to provide a response.

Welcome to the site. Thanks for sharing your story.

Questions:
What do you want out of this friendship?
How do you want this friendship to work after you've rekindled it?

It's probably better to address your feelings and personal needs first to figure out the best course of action, else history may repeat itself.

If it is possible to be friends again, I would want to spend time with her and to have someone to talk to. The reason I fell in love was because she is a very kind and caring person. She was very patient with me the whole time I explained my feelings to her, and she also knows that I'm on the spectrum and was very understanding about it. What I want is to be an important part of her life, and for her to be an important part of mine.

I understand that I may have to accept that I will never be more than just a friend, but that isn't enough to make me fall out of love. I'm afraid that without her in my life, whether as a friend or something more, I might fall into an inescapable depression where nothing else in life will ever be as meaningful. I'm forced to make a very difficult choice, to try to be friends and hold back my feelings for her, or to remain distant and prevent causing her any further discomfort. I want to be friends, and hopefully in time I will learn to keep my feelings under control, but to risk causing her any more trouble has kept me from trying. If you have any ideas or any personal experience with this type of situation, I would appreciate to hear your opinion on the subject.

Love is a deeper form of friendship, but once it blooms, it's a different jungle and it'll never go back. You find the fence and acknowledge the layers that go beyond and beneath that fence, if you can't handle the fact that there's always going to be feelings, shapes, associations beyond the fence, you probably can't handle a different intensity of relationship with the person. It comes with the territory of getting to know someone in a heavier way. If you still want to be with them, a friendship is going to be painted from that level upwards which is not healthy, it will take time, it may never be something you can approach with a different angle, lots of thought and reflection and self focus will reveal it to you, there's no correct answer, each connection is its own.