Ted talk about toxic friendships

Post Reply New Topic

Though the video says that there are 8 signs that a friendship is toxic, I thought that this video would be helpful for those of us who are worthy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-94Ql0UphdA

Thank you! Here's a TL:DR version I found useful:

8 signs that your friendship is actually Toxic

1. Making you compete with other friends.
2. Negative criticism.
3. Your friend tells you that you need to change.
4. Having to walk on eggshells.
5. Being on an emotional Roller coaster.
6. You listen to their issues but they don't listen to yours.
7. Who calls who and when.
8. The stress effects your health negatively.
Credit to +StrangeViolette

The 8 signs that I have noticed in a toxic relationship

1. Button pushing
2. Manipulative behavior
3. Back stabbing
4. Competitive desires to make the other party envious - Example:" I hope you are doing well I can't wait to meet you for coffee next week. (You wanted to attend a special night at your city's aquarium but the event sold out). Oh and guess what? My boyfriend got me a ticket to the special night at the aquarium. I can't wait to show you the pictures as well, gotta go, bye!"
5. Finding ways to cut the other person down - Example: I don't think you could have afforded to attend that night at the aquarium based on the type of work that you do. Besides, my boyfriend wouldn't have wanted you there because he thinks you're too clingy."
6. They aren't there when you need them -
7. One-sided or hypocritical type of behaviors such as using and expecting you to do things but they don't do the same.
8. Blaming the victim - Let's say that you confront the other person regarding the aquarium. "You're just jealous that you don't have the type of career that my boyfriend and I do. Besides, you always overreact."

Sounds like a classic case of ASPD/Narcissism, maby even BPD.

Get rid of the individual, you will feel much better since you do not have a vampire sucking the life out of you.

___________________________________________________________

2. some negative criticism could be necessary, tolerable, or functional. (fine). but what gets on my nerves is when precious lil "people" that tell me they're my "friends" make a running commentary of everything i do. "eeewww!! you wiped your mouth on your sleeve!", "you bit the sticker off the apple!", "you go around all hunched over!", "you wear your pants around your knees!".

if they lemmie return the favor, then that would've been a different situation.

5. sounds like borderline personality disorder or bipolar or schizophrenia. some precious lil "people" are just way too emotional. but that is legal. and i do not feel entitled to tell them otherwise.

Shortfatuglybaldman- People usually do that when you are out in public to humiliate you because they aren't happy person themselves on the inside.

There is this one female who I have limited associating with because she would criticize me negatively all the time due to not having any self-esteem along with being coddled.

For example- A few years ago, before Christmas, I rode with her and her mother to a birthday gathering. During the entire ride, they both talked about having this large gathering at their home for Christmas with their family while they know I would be alone. I found out that another friend wasn't doing much because his mom had to work so I invited him. She found out and left a message about how selfish I was being for pulling him away from his family on Christmas.

She also gets incredibly bossy about the way that I do things as well.

^that is emotional abuse and emotional blackmail. It's good you dont have contact with that person any longer. You dont deserve to be subjected to that toxic behavior.

Part of her problem is though she is an adult, she functions like a 10-year-old due to living a sheltered life because she is autistic as well. She basically has no life and no hobbies. She just sits around watching television all day, playing games on her tablet and calls people up excessively. The other part is that her mom seems to nag at her every time she tries to talk. She either says her name or tells her to be quiet.

Example: I was at their home for Thanksgiving about three years ago and my friend was hungry since we were waiting for her uncle to bring the turkey. She said "Finally,": and her mom said, "You hush."

______________________________________________________________________________________

selfishness can't be measured. anyone can say anyone or anything is "selfish". at least once, my precious lil "mom" had the nerve to tell me that "autism means selfish". and then my precious lil "mom" had the nerve to tell me that it was "selfish" for me to take the bus home after high school tennis practice. yeah, that's just manipulation. b/c she wanted me to do something else, and she was guilty tripping me.

you can't measure self esteem either. there could be too much or too little self esteem.

competence not proportional to confidence.

yeah the former precious lil "friends" that kept telling me off. but i ain't telepathic, so i do not know if they were happy on the inside.

however, happy or sad. inside or outside. big deal. quite frankly i ain't happy either. plenty of people are not happy. and they do not keep telling someone else off.

even though i ain't a spy or stalker, i strongly doubt that those precious lil "friends" treated anyone else, the way they had the nerve to treat me.

so it was personal, in other words. i think

but hey i ain't no stalker or spy

^Spot on. Particularly, the bit about not making excuses for the abusive person's abuse. The fact that the abusive person is unhappy or mistreated, themselves is irrelevant and does not justify their abuse. You can have compassion for the person, without subjecting yourself to their maltreatment. All it takes is caring enough about yourself. You are worth it!

Britte- You are spot on regarding excuses for abuse and mistreatment of others. That actually happened after I was rejected by another destructive woman who I thought was my friend. When she rejected me, her excuses were

That:
1. All her life she was trying to people a people pleaser and had always tried to be someone she wasn't.
2. All her life she had felt like a pile of dog crap because she wasn't like Sheldon Cooper

When we were friends she would have temper tantrums because she was jealous of my looks and one time had a tantrum at a party after got engaged to her husband. Suddenly she got very moody with me and started accusing her then fiancee of staring at me all night. When I told her to get over herself it was

"All my life my father compared me to my sisters because they were slim like you," in tears.

She was also jealous of me because I am good at math other nerdy things and she wasn't so she took that out on my because everyone else in her family was good at at math too. So I was her scapegoat.

I agree with the rest but this I don't think is an issue in small doses. If your friend is going down a bad path, it's good to encourage them to better themselves. Not in a judgmental way, but in a positive, supportive way. Lift them up.

________________________________________________________________________________

exactly. you did not cause the "abusive person" to be unhappy or mistreated. he or she was unhappy or mistreated long before his/her first interaction with you.

their unhappiness makes it easier to understand their "abuse", but it don't justify their abuse.

One thing that I learned though the other party can in a friendship can be nasty is that you can contribute to the toxicity of the friendship and not even know it.

My former friend pulled two very selfish and self-centered stunts during the middle of her engagement that was weird and I never really forgave her for them. Rather, I was often offended and had a low tolerance for just about everything that she did or said. I also didn't feel like she was being that great of a friend towards me.