Losing the love of your life

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Yesterday I learnt that my ex, who I possessed intense feelings for, is now seeing another man.

Whilst she and I will be remaining friends, I was absolutely heartbroken yesterday to the point where I was considering suicide.

My loneliness and hopelessness suddenly dawned on me and consequently I burst into tears when I arrived home from volunteering.

Whilst it's only a supposition, I cannot shake the feeling that I am never going to be in a relationship again.

How can a 27 year old male, who is unemployed and terribly slow possibly find 'love'?

I know that in the grand scheme of things my problems may seem insubstantial, but it's incredibly disheartening to think that I will forever be alone.

Thus, it does not come as a great surprise that autistic individuals apparently die, on average, 14 years younger than neurotypicals.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

But you're a decent-looking guy. And you're smarter than you think.

You'll find someone else.

Whilst that is most kind of you to say, I have never asked a girl out before in my life. I simply do not understand the concept of a relationship.

Even though I am a soft guy, I also happen to be tremendously self-centered, so I only have myself to blame. I also tend to become attached to people as others might do with objects.

It's truly saddening for me to look back and realise what I have missed out on in life. I didn't even kiss a girl until a week before my 24th birthday, and rather shamefully I have never been able to perform 'adequately' in the bedroom. I am too insouciant and insecure to satisfy a woman.

In many respects, I do not believe I am deserving of a relationship as I offer neither stability nor empathy that I truly believe to be authentic.

I know that I am not terribly significant but my life has turned into a truly agonising experience. My mother, father and niece have all grown tired of my childish antics, thus I no longer have anyone to support me in life. I suspect I have been masking my feelings of loneliness for years and now I am paying the penalty. My proverbial road to redemption may be too intolerable to bear.

I can't imagine what you are going through right now, Jake. However, I can certainly relate. The only girlfriend I ever had in my life back in 2008 when I was 22 and still very immature left me after just three weeks, even after she seemed to imply with at least some things she told me that she wanted to be with me for a long time. We even got intimate within days of getting together. However, two weeks in, I made the mistake of saying some things I really regret that she took not in the way I meant them that really began to turn her off of me. My first big mistake was when I wanted her to meet my best friend from high school, who was a female, and who I never "actually" dated, (though we were very flirtatious and seemed to be interested in a relationship way back in junior high) but really always thought a lot of platonically in later years, basically, (I felt the need to introduce her to all my close friends at the time), but which was the dumbest thing I could have done. I made the mistake of referring to her around my girlfriend when introducing her as the "Perfect Diva", which was more of a nickname I had been used to calling her, but it gave my gf the wrong idea that I had "feelings for her". She said a few times for the remainder of the relationship that she "knew I had feelings for her", which made me feel really stupid and horrible about myself. It wasn't long before she left me.

I wanted to believe I could find love, but after trying for a few years to find love, then failing, I made the decision by 2012 that I just needed to quit looking. I found an music interest that interested me from the past that made me feel happy for a long time without a girlfriend. However, I really don't have the money anymore to do any real support of this music interest, and now, I'm starting to get depressed and lonely again. I've signed up for a new profile on some dating sites, but I really haven't been in the mood to strike up many big conversations, because I just don't feel I'm in a position on many levels to find love. I might have some better social skills, but there are other things I lack.

The best advice I can give you is to try to find an interest that makes you happy, and let that be your passion. You just might find a woman who likes the same thing that you do that will cause you to connect that way, and she might even be able to accept your disability, though there are so few women with the heart to these days, sadly.

I am sorry to hear that you had a similarly heart-breaking experience, shreve.

Hopefully you will meet someone who is compatible soon.

Thank you so much. Even though that is the only really "lengthy" relationship I've had, that is far from the only heartbreaking experience with women I've had. In my youth, I've had so many first dates that went without a follow-up, most of the time with women just quitting responding to my messages or calls, and even a high school Homecoming with a girl from another school who, from what I later heard, also allegedly had diagnoses or issues (based on the varied info I would hear), who turned on me right in the middle of the damn dance without even really seeming to make clear her reasons when trying to reason with her. However, part of the problem was that I had never done a dance before with a date, and I really was confused on some etiquette, possibly due to not being on the right medicine at the time (which caused me to be very talkative with my date at some points, for one thing, which was about the only griveance I could get out of her as we left). Also, a girl from my high school who I shouldn't have trusted in the first place who knew her from VoTech hooked us up, and my date had been telling me on the phone about her gossiping to her some not quite accurate stories about some mistakes I made a few years earlier that got me expelled for a while, and I had to explain to my date my side of the story. That had to also be a problem.

I'm assuming that since you are still friends, the relationship ended on somewhat good terms. Do you still have feelings for your ex? If so, it might cause a lot of trouble if you are looking for another relationship. Trying to balance your feelings for multiple people won't end well. If you truly love your ex, I would suggest that you focus on being happy for her. It seems that your biggest concern isn't that you fear being alone for the rest of your life, but rather that you have lost the very person that you believed you were meant to be with. Coming to terms with the feelings that you have is essential before moving on to another relationship. Perhaps you will realize that you aren't willing to move on, in which case, the only thing you can do is be happy for your ex. If you truly love her, then that should be enough to get you by.

If that isn't the case, then you have to be honest with yourself on what you really want. Are you looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, or are you just looking to fill the void that was left behind by your previous relationship? If it's the latter, then you likely won't have much success at finding someone. Focus on what you can offer in a relationship, and work from there. Try to think of what worked well for you in your previous relationship and apply that knowledge to any new attempts to find love.

I do not believe I can actively pursue a relationship with anyone until I have completely sorted my life out. I need a job where I believe I can persevere and offer something valuable to my employers.

Irrespective of the difficulties that autism causes me, I cannot allow myself to fall into the 'I can never work' mindset. If I do that, I may as well jump in front of a train now.

Even though I am upset that my ex is in a relationship, I have wished her all the best in her new romance. She is a special person to me, so naturally I want her to be happy. Unfortunately I am not a particularly fun guy to be around at the moment, and I have to take a long hard look in the mirror if I am to have any chance of getting my life back on track. I readily admit that I am fallible for what transpired between me and my ex. Despite knowing that she would never be in a relationship with me if I could not offer her security and stability, I quit the first paid job I had had in years. Whilst I was battling depression at the time, I still made a rash decision to resign from my post.

It will be a bitter pill for me to swallow if I am never in a relationship again. I guess you could argue that autistic folks survive because of their fixed interests, but I am not strong enough to survive in this world on my own.

I understand you feelings, Jake. I've felt them a few times, too.

I'm glad you haven't "given up," my friend, even though it is quite tempting for you.

You're a good man. And your ex knows that, too.

You might not even have been the cause of the breakup. Maybe the "problem" lies in her.

I was a little unclear on which of us that advice was for, but since it is apparent to me now you were talking to Jake, I can say that I agree with his words. While I've stayed in touch with many of my friends from high school (which turned out to be something I let be a problem in my relationship in 2008), there is one thing I remember from the day my girlfriend broke up with me in 2008. One thing she told me was "we can still hang out". However, I said to her "I'm really not sure if that would be a good idea for either of us, since I can definitely see myself trying to talk you into getting back with me". So as much as I was hurt back then, and was definitely quite in a confused state in my life, I guess I seemed to have somewhat of the right idea about breaking up. However, a couple days later, as I was missing her, and finding a new girlfriend wasn't going well, I did try to call my ex and ask her how she was doing since we broke up. Her words were along the lines of "what are you trying to prove by calling me? You really need to get your life back on track." I told her I agreed.

So it's common for many of us, especially Aspies, to have issues with breakups. However, after that, I never called my ex again, though I did see her at a library in 2010, and we had brief small talk. However, I ended the conversation and walked away, since I just didn't feel right continuing on the conversation.

That's most kind of you to say, Kraftie, but I must respectfully disagree.

Both my employment coach and mother were fearful that she had been using me because I am terribly naive and find it very challenging to say 'no'. But after speaking to her best friend, an ex-psychiatrist and schizophrenic, I have concluded that I was to blame for the relationship breakdown. He said that it was in fact me who had been using her; he stated that I had gained far more from her than she had with me. I felt inclined to agree because I have been both a hopeless companion and friend as I never heeded her advice and cancelled plans we had made on numerous occasions. She has her own cognitive problems (BPD), yet she has been tremendously brave and resilient by facing her fears. Unfortunately the same can not be said for me as I have always avoided anxiety-provoking situations, and this has lasted over a decade now.

Anyway, I shall stop burdening you guys with my problems now.

Thanks to all of you for your advice and for sharing your experiences with me.

First off Jake, while I can definitely understand your feeling that you are burdening us with your problems, as the way I feel about that causes me most of the time to not feel comfortable talking about my problems most of the time, personally, I can tell you that, while I don't know how others who have posted on this thread feel, I am not burdened by you speaking about your problems, being that I am, in many ways, in the same boat as you.
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Your best friend may be right on at least some, maybe many levels, considering her experience. However, I don't know if she heard both sides of the story, yours and hers. If she only heard her story, considering they are friends, she may be giving you an at least somewhat biased opinions. I lived hearing biased opinions about my situations like that, and stuff like that made me realize that not everyone, "even some professionals", in some cases, are always the best sources for every case of advice. Then again, as for the people who defended you, our mothers are always known to be biased toward their children, as my mother was in the breakup of my girlfriend in 2008 with her opinions she would later tell me. I really don't know anything about your employment coach. But my point is, as I've been told at times in my life by some people, (and I really hope saying this doesn't cause a problem with my choice of language on a family board), "opinions are like a**holes...everybody has them".) While you may see a point in someone's opinion, it doesn't always mean that is the entire problem. So you shouldn't feel so hopeless on yourself because of one person's opinion.

Then again, let's say your ex's best friend may be right about at least some of the problem. So you never heeded your girlfriend's advice, and you cancelled you and your ex's plans numerous times. Those are among the same mistakes I made with not just my only lengthy love in 2008, but with many of the women I dated once over the years and just quit talking to me. I was having a really bad day on my first date with a girl in 2011, who was even a Christian who spoke at churches about how she overcame her depression, obviously with much, much more self-esteem than I had at the time, and I was having a bad day, and I tried to cancel, but then told her I would go. I just wasn't into the date as much as I should have, because of the mood my day had gotten me in. I called her the next day to try to follow up, and she was very critical of me on my date, and one of the problems she cited was how I tried to cancel the date early.

These are things that are issues our Asperger's Syndrome causes, but it is harder for us to really improve these areas. However, you (as well as me and everyone else reading this) just need to keep trying, do our best learn from the mistakes we made in the past, and keep our hopes up that one day, we can make a relationship work.

i lost mine 5 months after we got back together.it emotionally sent me over the edge that i became like X-Men's Magneto:Hateful,Resentful,Vengeful towards others who have (Romantically & Sexually) what i had.something because of my aspergers that i can never have again,because of the negative perception of AS Guys by NT Women & Girls of my own age ,whether it's on the subway train,in the neighborhood or even in school,no woman or girl wants anything to do with AS Guys

Every time I've split up with someone I've thought the exact same thing....the next time you split up with someone you'll think it too. We all do, it's normal, it's part of what makes breaking up so emotionally painful.

If possible though you need to distance this person from your life, cut her off even. Staying friends or staying around her is only going to prolong things and make it even harder, and the fact that she is with someone else is only going to tear you up, so why put yourself through that? It doesn't make you a bad person to want to cut someone off in this situation. If in time when you've truly got over it maybe you can go back to being friends if she wants to, but for right now I'd steer clear.


The guy in his avatar is Kyle MacLachlan

Whilst this may seem as if I am acting in a desperate manner, I am reluctant to sever all ties with her as she is my one and only friend. I know that it's common knowledge that ex partners should not remain in touch with each other, but I do believe I genuinely care for this girl. If I were to lose her from my life completely, I would be truly devastated.

I know there are 'plenty of fish in the sea', but it does not bode well for me in terms of potential relationships in the future as I have only ever had one girlfriend in my entire life and I am by no means a young man anymore.

Ironically, for once in my life, my lack of imagination may come to my benefit. It's difficult for me to visualise my ex and her new boyfriend enjoying themselves together, thus I might not be as emotional as perhaps most others would be. But I do admit that I will have to deal with feelings of jealousy and bitterness.

For the majority of my life, I have been remarkably placid and somewhat unaware of what's taking place before my very eyes. I suspect this and a profound lack of self-esteem will always go against me in terms of romantic interests. Unless I have a shared interest with someone, I fear I will always be unattuned to other people.

I sometimes have to question if I am intellectually impaired because it's frightening how disconnected I am from other human beings.

I am hopeful my new weighted hoodie will help me feel more comfortable in myself.

I've had some of those "Magneto" feelings you described toward some people in my life, except those feelings were over a lot more than the women not dating me. It was over some very jerkish, beyond inexcusable, mean things some people did to me, including some guys, some were even authority figures who were somewhat biased toward me. And eventually, it was occasionally toward some people who got really pissed at me when I would villify some of these people. And I had them for a long time. However, I just came to the point by 2012 that I wasn't going to better my situation by holding these feelings toward people, and trying to convince others to agree with me.