Looking for love or just feeling lonely?

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Just curious, but I've read a few of the posts here, and from what it sounds like, there is a bit of confusion on what people are actually looking for. It seems that people here are more concerned with curing their loneliness, rather than finding their true love. I understand the reasoning behind it, finding that one person who understands and cares about you more than anyone else, but relationships are more than just what you get out of it. It would be more appropriate to look for friends that you can spend time with. Relationships are far more demanding and can easily fall apart if they aren't handled properly.

I'm not trying to generalize the situation, it's just how I've interpreted it. It may not be true, and perhaps people are just going about a relationship the wrong way. If you understand what it is that you are actually looking for, then you will be much more successful in your efforts.

On a side note, I personally believe that anyone who is looking for true love will never find it. True love is something that finds you.

Yep..I feel that is the case too. That "true love" finds you.

I went "looking for it" in my early 20s, and I failed miserably.

In my mid 20s, though, I said, "screw it," and stopped looking.

I was able to "find it" a few times.

Personally, I'm looking for both, love and getting out of being lonely. However, I quit looking for love for a long time five years ago, since so many people have tried to tell me what you said in your last sentence, though some have told me I need to be open with women. However, since times have gotten tough, I've begun to search a little for love, but I really haven't been in the mood to try near as hard as I used to, since I just don't feel like I'm really in the position at this time to have a girlfriend. I was in a much better position in 2013-early 2014, but I was really afraid to search again, since I had so many failures with women that I allowed to let me down and depress me, and I just didn't want my happiness, at a time when I had a lot going for me, and I didn't feel it was healthy for me to deal with women at the time.

It could help to write down your own ideas of what would exactly you want from a relationship and what exactly you are willing to give to a relationship. Add to it from time to time as you think of things.

I think many people turn to relationships simply to not feel lonely or distract them from low self-esteem. If someone else is there to reassure them that they're lovable, then they feel better. They just can't believe it coming from themselves or a friend.

I don't think it's wrong to search for love if you're not fully happy, but it's not healthy to expect your partner to somehow "fix" things that are wrong with your self-perception or material life. Those demands just keep rising and rising because they won't be able to do it for long.

I feel you have a point with both of your paragraphs. I feel the reasons you mentioned many turn to their relationships in the first paragraph were the reasons I tried so hard for all of my youth and early adulthood to find love. My only girlfriend in 2008 left me because she said she could see I had no self-esteem.

I also feel that I was, as you mentioned in your second paragraph, expecting my girlfriend in 2008 to fix problems with my self-perception, though I was always against pressuring a girl to help my material life. I feel my incorrect view of why I felt I needed a relationship for so many years has been why I've been so reluctant to date over the past five years, and why even now, at a time when I'm having some thoughts of dating again, I am questioning it on numerous levels, and even having reservations of really trying to talk to women in my area. I'm in a better position to get more personal acceptance out of having new friends in my area, as well as talking my issues out with people on this forum, but I just don't know if I'm ready to date, at a time when while I feel my social skills have improved at least some over five years ago, I'm already in the worst position I've ever been with money and transportation.

Personally, I'm looking for the perfect Friend With Benefits. Someone to go places with once or twice a week, have some nice sex, and who will then go home.

I can't see why two lonely people shouldn't be allowed choose to spend time in each other's company as a way to escape the loneliness. Of course, there's a good chance that one will become more "attached" to the other than vice-versa. But the same thing can happen to people who see themselves as looking for "serious relationships".

I've done the same thing when I was younger and just never took breaks from searching... but sometimes it's better to be "alone" for a while to grow and collect your thoughts. Opening up again was hard for me, too.

I feel like it's kind of akin to religious or political beliefs if someone deeply feels they're unlovable... it's internal, not external. You can argue with them about it and try to change their mind but it's still their belief, and there's rarely hard proof for any of it.

I was depressed when I was in relationships, too, but I don't think I'm depressed anymore.

I've found myself being the person dating just because I'm lonely - and I found myself tricking myself into thinking I was falling in love with a woman whom I had only one thing in common with, a past drug habit, with no job and no future, who's only interest seemed to be the next blunt she could smoke. But she was good looking and showed attention, so, meh.

It made my life much worse choosing to be with that person, dating because you're lonely is a terrible idea, no matter how much needs you want met.

Yea I kinda know that thing of not being in a good place and therefore not being in the place to have a relationship. It kinda sucks a bit.

I'd agree that it is pretty bad to seek a partner just because you are lonely. I can understand the argument that "I never had a girlfriend, I'm lonely, so getting a gf will fix everything", but it is no good. It's just as bad as "everybody else had sex, so I want it too". People will typically discover that it is not that important once they get into their first relationship (or had sex for the first time).

As for me, I never desired a gf because I was lonely. I always thought of it in the opposite way: If I'm sufficiently in love and attacted to a girl, I might consider a relationship and living together. If not, I'd rather live alone.

I have seldom "looked for love" as I have never asked a woman out in my entire life. I guess I should be grateful that I have lost my virginity. But it's difficult not to castigate myself for losing the one person who has ever shown any interest in me.

If I can ever manage to hold down a job, I might consider online dating or striking up random conversations with females who I perceive to be quite shy. It's a rather big MIGHT, though.

To each his own - why do you want to dictate how to do relationships?

If what I've said doesn't apply to you, then why are you so bothered by it? It's not like I'm forcing anyone to do what I said. I'm simply expressing my opinion. If you can't handle that, then just leave.

I don't think I believe that there is such a thing as "true love", well not the way it's presented in popular culture anyway.

All you can hope for is to find someone who has affection for you as you do for them and it will work if you are both willing to put in team effort and continue to cultivate that affection and enjoyment of each other's company.