Getting a Relationship if you Have Issues

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Any thoughts, advice, experience, with regard to getting a relationship if you have, and have had, issues with coping, or anxiety, ocd/pure o, depression, mental issues, etc?

How and when should you bring that up like if there is a guy you're interested in? It's not like the greatest advertising, but they have a right to know. But what if you don't want to tell them everything about it, like if you've 'lost it' before, etc.

Does anyone worry that they aren't 'normal' enough to have someone special in their life?

I went through the "not normal enough" thing and now am a hardcore hermit. at least with me I am always in good company and in my element, not having to play games or decipher cryptic intents. my advice would be that "subtle honesty" is the optimal policy. don't wear a plackard [figuratively speaking] about your various issues, but don't hide them, either.

I second "subtle honesty". Partners should be trusted to have their own feelings about you and your actions, and to communicate their concerns in a meaningful way. Maybe OCD won't bother someone, but they won't know that until they figure it out for themselves. If you tell them about things before they figure out what they do and don't like, you are biasing them against you because they will assume negative stereotypes.

However! I disagree about disclosure being a right. I don't think anyone but you has a Right to know such personal things. You might grant them the privilege of knowing more about you in order to increase trust in a relationship, but knowing things about you is not a Right.

I've came to the rosy conclusion that if one is actively engaged concerning the depth and fangs of their issues and is comfortable wrestling with them, and you have enough internal territory wiped down to roam and use to not have it throttle, smother or drown somebody else, it is okay to be f-ed up. If you have a handle on them and understand the aromas and dirt within. No good expecting someone else to be the saviour or solution, it's a plastic magic lamp, cheap and cheerless and thieves you of your own power. There's a unique portion of a partnership where overlaps and jostles are okay, that's what being with another ought to allow - nourishment, encouragement and exchanging of liquid whether it be romantic or theraputic... should never be a one way street, if you have issues and undertake something heavier than you can hold, your issues may multiply.

above all, it is not quite fair to one's potential partner to spring things on them late in the game. also one of the toughest chores in life is to live a lie with somebody else, not knowing for sure if their regard for you is conditional or not.

Don't play roles, don't try to fit in, and show the "issues" to him as they occur naturally. That's honest, and if he doesn't like it, fine, his problem.

If you dig somebody, take the plunge.

Maybe the mere act of being in a relationship will alleviate some of the "issues" you face.

Maybe you and your partner could help each other with your respective "issues."

Be prepared to compromise, though.

I am of the belief that every person has "issues" of one sort or another.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 25 Jun 2017, 3:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

I have the somewhat romantic and old-fashioned notion, that love makes it all the sacrifices worthwhile.

There seem to be two types of people with respect to things like this.
1. Those who attempt to hide their issues and fear the other person discovering them.
2. Those who want others to know all of their issues going into the relationship.

Both of these people are likely going to sabotage themselves. The first person because they are operating in an unsustainable mode, and the second person because they are trying to sell the person on the bad instead of the good.

If your issues are things that will manifest in a relationship, at some point, you should make your partner aware of them, but, in my opinion, not before you give them a reason to want to be with you.

Also, the issues you mentioned above are not set in stone. They may fluctuate or disappear all together in the right environment, and when you first meet someone, you never know where you will end up in life. So, in my opinion, when you meet someone, you should focus on having a good time rather than worrying about your imperfections. If the relationship starts to become serious then you might bring your issues up over the course of a few talks.

The dirty little secret of life is that everyone has issues. And yet millions of flawed people still manage to find someone who loves and is devoted to them anyway.

Having said that, don't ask me how! I got nuthin'!

And I've decided that even though I've seen people with way worse issues than mine being loved to pieces by someone who accepts them and even helps to soothe them, I've decided I'm not going to get that in my lifetime so I'm better off alone.

mee too.

Agreed that we all have issues!

Being in a relationship doesn't fundamentally change anyone, though. Issues that would affect the relationship must be dealt with for the relationship to continue. The relationship will either fail or one/both will always be miserable. If you break up, be sure to deal with your own problems that led up to the split so they don't infect the next one.

Compromise is a dirty word, IMO. You both give up something to settle for something that makes you both equally unhappy. I'm more of a "Win-Win or No Deal" kind of guy. IOW, I'm not going to give up something I want to make my wife happy, nor will I ask her to give up something she wants. I WILL, however, work to make sure she gets what she wants or needs. But there are no conditions on that. If I'm going to help her and spend time and effort to do so, I simply need her support to make sure I'm able to get it done. I'm not asking for a sacrifice, just a little help.

If she wants me to help her but she doesn't equip me at all to do the task, I've got nuthin. Yes, I'll do all the yard work today, but I was planning on cooking dinner tonight. I won't be able to cook if I have to spend all day in the yard. Can you cook dinner tonight? If not, can we push cutting grass to the weekend? No sacrifice is involved here. Everyone works together doing what they'd do anyway to make things happen.

so many people have the most difficulties in communicating.

I thought no one would want me because of my own problems and I would be too immature for them and too slow for them and the fact I can't stand lot of touch and I can't have someone around me all the time. Then I met my husband so everything is good. I realize now both my ex boyfriends had problems and they were not normal and they were both crazy. The first one was a undiagnosed schizophrenic and the second was had undiagnosed Cluster B disorder. So of course I was having a lot of anxiety and meltdowns because they had problems and it was too much for me to handle and deal with. If it's hard for NTs to deal with, it's thousand times harder for me to handle. My husband has problems too but he doesn't have any where he has a personality disorder or a psychotic disorder or a mood disorder.

I don't even notice pure o/OCD. Being thourough is a hangup for everyone in some way, busy people generally won't take issue with this at all.

Thank you everyone for responding. One idea could be to say to the guy in non detailed terms that there have been and are issues in regards to psychological/mental health. Maybe??