Once more being told to not think about the girlfriend issue

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Sabreclaw
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11 Jul 2017, 8:34 am

AngelRho wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I sometimes get told I need to turn off my sexuality when talking to women because they'll think I am a creep. But others have told me I have to keep it on or women will think I am uninterested. I am confused as hell.


I totally know what you mean. I'm always being given conflicting advice. The thing is each 'advisor' is adamant that their advice is correct and they get annoyed when you don't take their particular offering of advice.

Well, I don't care what anyone else says. The "sexuality" thing is a load of crap. Just stay relaxed and easy-going and women will like you. I know this for a fact. I just wish someone around here would take my advice so I don't feel like posting here is a waste of time.


Being relaxed and easy-going is how I ended up with "friends" who cared far less about me than I did them, and never, ever received positive attention from women whatsoever. Men ignore me and women despise me. Trying to be social is a waste of time.

People generally only care about themselves. If you don't do anything to show your usefulness to someone in some way, boosting egos if nothing else, it's hard to have any kind of influence on them. I think our problem is we have more difficulty understanding how to meet their needs first until we can translate that in getting them to help us out in return.

I think some have social dificulties because they impose expectations on others for good deeds. Putting someone in debt is fuel for resentment. I rather think of being nice as investing in others. Short-term gains are always small and you never break even. Long-term you get everything back and then some. People can tell when you aren't in it for the long haul, though. It's hard to make yourself work for nothing when you can't understand why it's important. We tend not to really care what they think or need or want. Thing is, they don't care, either. The difference is they instinctively know to fake it until the good stuff comes back around. It's really the time involved that separates the winners from the losers in this game.


You make it sound as though when I'm nice to people I only do it for expectations of some kind of reward. I am no "nice guy". I don't go around expecting somebody to date me purely because I treated her with respect. Friendships don't necessarily start with people helping each other out. There's other ways to bond.



AngelRho
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11 Jul 2017, 12:10 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I sometimes get told I need to turn off my sexuality when talking to women because they'll think I am a creep. But others have told me I have to keep it on or women will think I am uninterested. I am confused as hell.


I totally know what you mean. I'm always being given conflicting advice. The thing is each 'advisor' is adamant that their advice is correct and they get annoyed when you don't take their particular offering of advice.

Well, I don't care what anyone else says. The "sexuality" thing is a load of crap. Just stay relaxed and easy-going and women will like you. I know this for a fact. I just wish someone around here would take my advice so I don't feel like posting here is a waste of time.


Being relaxed and easy-going is how I ended up with "friends" who cared far less about me than I did them, and never, ever received positive attention from women whatsoever. Men ignore me and women despise me. Trying to be social is a waste of time.

People generally only care about themselves. If you don't do anything to show your usefulness to someone in some way, boosting egos if nothing else, it's hard to have any kind of influence on them. I think our problem is we have more difficulty understanding how to meet their needs first until we can translate that in getting them to help us out in return.

I think some have social dificulties because they impose expectations on others for good deeds. Putting someone in debt is fuel for resentment. I rather think of being nice as investing in others. Short-term gains are always small and you never break even. Long-term you get everything back and then some. People can tell when you aren't in it for the long haul, though. It's hard to make yourself work for nothing when you can't understand why it's important. We tend not to really care what they think or need or want. Thing is, they don't care, either. The difference is they instinctively know to fake it until the good stuff comes back around. It's really the time involved that separates the winners from the losers in this game.


You make it sound as though when I'm nice to people I only do it for expectations of some kind of reward. I am no "nice guy". I don't go around expecting somebody to date me purely because I treated her with respect. Friendships don't necessarily start with people helping each other out. There's other ways to bond.

Here's the thing. I don't view humanity as inherently good. I see it as the exact opposite. There are no "good" motives that are fundamentally selfless or altruistic.

That may seem pessimistic, but that's only half the equation. The other half is
I hold out for hope that human beings enjoy seeing each other well and happy and act towards that end. As an analogy, I enjoy chocolate. I'm sure I could find someone to give me free chocolate. Trouble is free chocolate doesn't account for how it got from the tree to my stomach. There might have been thousands of people along the way to make that possible. If I don't take care of them, someone else might have to--which means no more chocolate for me. And that's why I exchange money for chocolate at the grocery store when I want it. The chocolate makes me happy. The money helps feed families, which also makes me happy as well as, I hope, the families who made chocolate for me. So, you see, we ALL win.

Romantic relationships are exactly like that. You don't want someone in your life because you're a nice guy. She's attractive, makes you laugh, keeps you from being lonely, or you like the way she smiles when you say something nice or the way she laughs when you tell a joke or, or it's the sex, or... Could be anything. But it's either because you want her for whatever reason or because it makes you feel good when she feels good. That's self-centered. Nobody complains about it, but it's still all about YOU.

Relationships and all sorts of good things happen not because we can change our nature. They happen because people desire mutually beneficial conditions. It creates the illusion of altruism, but true human motivations are anything but. What keeps me waking up every morning is the hope that MAYBE people will want to do more for others than for themselves.



hurtloam
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11 Jul 2017, 12:34 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The more attractive people simply can't understand the agonies of the less attractive/desirable single people.


I find the advice they give tends to be their perception of their own personal experience.

For example the friend who says "stop looking and you'll find someone" because she stopped looking and just happened to meet her husband around that time. It was a fluke pure and simple.



Sabreclaw
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11 Jul 2017, 12:46 pm

AngelRho wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I sometimes get told I need to turn off my sexuality when talking to women because they'll think I am a creep. But others have told me I have to keep it on or women will think I am uninterested. I am confused as hell.


I totally know what you mean. I'm always being given conflicting advice. The thing is each 'advisor' is adamant that their advice is correct and they get annoyed when you don't take their particular offering of advice.

Well, I don't care what anyone else says. The "sexuality" thing is a load of crap. Just stay relaxed and easy-going and women will like you. I know this for a fact. I just wish someone around here would take my advice so I don't feel like posting here is a waste of time.


Being relaxed and easy-going is how I ended up with "friends" who cared far less about me than I did them, and never, ever received positive attention from women whatsoever. Men ignore me and women despise me. Trying to be social is a waste of time.

People generally only care about themselves. If you don't do anything to show your usefulness to someone in some way, boosting egos if nothing else, it's hard to have any kind of influence on them. I think our problem is we have more difficulty understanding how to meet their needs first until we can translate that in getting them to help us out in return.

I think some have social dificulties because they impose expectations on others for good deeds. Putting someone in debt is fuel for resentment. I rather think of being nice as investing in others. Short-term gains are always small and you never break even. Long-term you get everything back and then some. People can tell when you aren't in it for the long haul, though. It's hard to make yourself work for nothing when you can't understand why it's important. We tend not to really care what they think or need or want. Thing is, they don't care, either. The difference is they instinctively know to fake it until the good stuff comes back around. It's really the time involved that separates the winners from the losers in this game.


You make it sound as though when I'm nice to people I only do it for expectations of some kind of reward. I am no "nice guy". I don't go around expecting somebody to date me purely because I treated her with respect. Friendships don't necessarily start with people helping each other out. There's other ways to bond.

Here's the thing. I don't view humanity as inherently good. I see it as the exact opposite. There are no "good" motives that are fundamentally selfless or altruistic.

That may seem pessimistic, but that's only half the equation. The other half is
I hold out for hope that human beings enjoy seeing each other well and happy and act towards that end. As an analogy, I enjoy chocolate. I'm sure I could find someone to give me free chocolate. Trouble is free chocolate doesn't account for how it got from the tree to my stomach. There might have been thousands of people along the way to make that possible. If I don't take care of them, someone else might have to--which means no more chocolate for me. And that's why I exchange money for chocolate at the grocery store when I want it. The chocolate makes me happy. The money helps feed families, which also makes me happy as well as, I hope, the families who made chocolate for me. So, you see, we ALL win.

Romantic relationships are exactly like that. You don't want someone in your life because you're a nice guy. She's attractive, makes you laugh, keeps you from being lonely, or you like the way she smiles when you say something nice or the way she laughs when you tell a joke or, or it's the sex, or... Could be anything. But it's either because you want her for whatever reason or because it makes you feel good when she feels good. That's self-centered. Nobody complains about it, but it's still all about YOU.

Relationships and all sorts of good things happen not because we can change our nature. They happen because people desire mutually beneficial conditions. It creates the illusion of altruism, but true human motivations are anything but. What keeps me waking up every morning is the hope that MAYBE people will want to do more for others than for themselves.


You have an interesting albeit horribly depressing way of thinking about things. I'm not quite sure how we got to this from me questioning the validity of "stay relaxed and easy-going and women will like you".



The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Jul 2017, 2:16 pm

hurtloam wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The more attractive people simply can't understand the agonies of the less attractive/desirable single people.


I find the advice they give tends to be their perception of their own personal experience.

For example the friend who says "stop looking and you'll find someone" because she stopped looking and just happened to meet her husband around that time. It was a fluke pure and simple.


People tend to get on the defensive when they're told that there's a kind of hive-mind thinking among humans.

Sure, we do have variations, we are individuals, that's right; but we are also highly social animals, we share 99.99% of genes, and culture influences greatly.

Meaning, an unattractive in a X culture will be seen as unattractive by the vast majority of people in that culture, same for the attractive.

My regional tinder experiment was a live proof for that, where I got hundreds of matches in X, Y, Z cultures while I got almost ZERO in others. Those polar opposite results don't indicate a strong individualism among humans at all when it comes to what's attractive looking and what's not.



Here are two experiments in two countries (Kenya and Honk Kong) where obviously I am considered attractive, in my country I barely got like 5 non-fake matches after a month of swiping, in other whiter-dominated countries I got zero matches.

Image


Image



So it's not a coincidence that my current partner is an Asian. It's not a coincidence that a big portions of my previous dates were from Asian and African cultures.

Humans. Are. Not. Very. Individual.


You can't imagine for instance how many local women (even if they're of same height or tiny bit taller) told me I am too short for them, and they all give the same reasons why they don't like it (ie. reminding them of their little brother, not able to wear heels, insecurity....) , it's like they're parrots with the same master. Unbelievable.



AngelRho
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11 Jul 2017, 2:19 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I sometimes get told I need to turn off my sexuality when talking to women because they'll think I am a creep. But others have told me I have to keep it on or women will think I am uninterested. I am confused as hell.


I totally know what you mean. I'm always being given conflicting advice. The thing is each 'advisor' is adamant that their advice is correct and they get annoyed when you don't take their particular offering of advice.

Well, I don't care what anyone else says. The "sexuality" thing is a load of crap. Just stay relaxed and easy-going and women will like you. I know this for a fact. I just wish someone around here would take my advice so I don't feel like posting here is a waste of time.


Being relaxed and easy-going is how I ended up with "friends" who cared far less about me than I did them, and never, ever received positive attention from women whatsoever. Men ignore me and women despise me. Trying to be social is a waste of time.

People generally only care about themselves. If you don't do anything to show your usefulness to someone in some way, boosting egos if nothing else, it's hard to have any kind of influence on them. I think our problem is we have more difficulty understanding how to meet their needs first until we can translate that in getting them to help us out in return.

I think some have social dificulties because they impose expectations on others for good deeds. Putting someone in debt is fuel for resentment. I rather think of being nice as investing in others. Short-term gains are always small and you never break even. Long-term you get everything back and then some. People can tell when you aren't in it for the long haul, though. It's hard to make yourself work for nothing when you can't understand why it's important. We tend not to really care what they think or need or want. Thing is, they don't care, either. The difference is they instinctively know to fake it until the good stuff comes back around. It's really the time involved that separates the winners from the losers in this game.


You make it sound as though when I'm nice to people I only do it for expectations of some kind of reward. I am no "nice guy". I don't go around expecting somebody to date me purely because I treated her with respect. Friendships don't necessarily start with people helping each other out. There's other ways to bond.

Here's the thing. I don't view humanity as inherently good. I see it as the exact opposite. There are no "good" motives that are fundamentally selfless or altruistic.

That may seem pessimistic, but that's only half the equation. The other half is
I hold out for hope that human beings enjoy seeing each other well and happy and act towards that end. As an analogy, I enjoy chocolate. I'm sure I could find someone to give me free chocolate. Trouble is free chocolate doesn't account for how it got from the tree to my stomach. There might have been thousands of people along the way to make that possible. If I don't take care of them, someone else might have to--which means no more chocolate for me. And that's why I exchange money for chocolate at the grocery store when I want it. The chocolate makes me happy. The money helps feed families, which also makes me happy as well as, I hope, the families who made chocolate for me. So, you see, we ALL win.

Romantic relationships are exactly like that. You don't want someone in your life because you're a nice guy. She's attractive, makes you laugh, keeps you from being lonely, or you like the way she smiles when you say something nice or the way she laughs when you tell a joke or, or it's the sex, or... Could be anything. But it's either because you want her for whatever reason or because it makes you feel good when she feels good. That's self-centered. Nobody complains about it, but it's still all about YOU.

Relationships and all sorts of good things happen not because we can change our nature. They happen because people desire mutually beneficial conditions. It creates the illusion of altruism,kinda like how I give the cashier at the grocery store my hard-earned cash "out of the goodness of my heart," but true human motivations are anything but. What keeps me waking up every morning is the hope that MAYBE people will want to do more for others than for themselves.



Last edited by AngelRho on 11 Jul 2017, 2:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hurtloam
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11 Jul 2017, 2:20 pm

How do you set the tinder region. I wonder how I'd get on in Italy. People often assume I'm Italian.



Sabreclaw
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11 Jul 2017, 2:29 pm

AngelRho wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I sometimes get told I need to turn off my sexuality when talking to women because they'll think I am a creep. But others have told me I have to keep it on or women will think I am uninterested. I am confused as hell.


I totally know what you mean. I'm always being given conflicting advice. The thing is each 'advisor' is adamant that their advice is correct and they get annoyed when you don't take their particular offering of advice.

Well, I don't care what anyone else says. The "sexuality" thing is a load of crap. Just stay relaxed and easy-going and women will like you. I know this for a fact. I just wish someone around here would take my advice so I don't feel like posting here is a waste of time.


Being relaxed and easy-going is how I ended up with "friends" who cared far less about me than I did them, and never, ever received positive attention from women whatsoever. Men ignore me and women despise me. Trying to be social is a waste of time.

People generally only care about themselves. If you don't do anything to show your usefulness to someone in some way, boosting egos if nothing else, it's hard to have any kind of influence on them. I think our problem is we have more difficulty understanding how to meet their needs first until we can translate that in getting them to help us out in return.

I think some have social dificulties because they impose expectations on others for good deeds. Putting someone in debt is fuel for resentment. I rather think of being nice as investing in others. Short-term gains are always small and you never break even. Long-term you get everything back and then some. People can tell when you aren't in it for the long haul, though. It's hard to make yourself work for nothing when you can't understand why it's important. We tend not to really care what they think or need or want. Thing is, they don't care, either. The difference is they instinctively know to fake it until the good stuff comes back around. It's really the time involved that separates the winners from the losers in this game.


You make it sound as though when I'm nice to people I only do it for expectations of some kind of reward. I am no "nice guy". I don't go around expecting somebody to date me purely because I treated her with respect. Friendships don't necessarily start with people helping each other out. There's other ways to bond.

Here's the thing. I don't view humanity as inherently good. I see it as the exact opposite. There are no "good" motives that are fundamentally selfless or altruistic.

That may seem pessimistic, but that's only half the equation. The other half is
I hold out for hope that human beings enjoy seeing each other well and happy and act towards that end. As an analogy, I enjoy chocolate. I'm sure I could find someone to give me free chocolate. Trouble is free chocolate doesn't account for how it got from the tree to my stomach. There might have been thousands of people along the way to make that possible. If I don't take care of them, someone else might have to--which means no more chocolate for me. And that's why I exchange money for chocolate at the grocery store when I want it. The chocolate makes me happy. The money helps feed families, which also makes me happy as well as, I hope, the families who made chocolate for me. So, you see, we ALL win.

Romantic relationships are exactly like that. You don't want someone in your life because you're a nice guy. She's attractive, makes you laugh, keeps you from being lonely, or you like the way she smiles when you say something nice or the way she laughs when you tell a joke or, or it's the sex, or... Could be anything. But it's either because you want her for whatever reason or because it makes you feel good when she feels good. That's self-centered. Nobody complains about it, but it's still all about YOU.

Relationships and all sorts of good things happen not because we can change our nature. They happen because people desire mutually beneficial conditions. It creates the illusion of altruism,kinda like how I give the cashier at the grocery store my hard-earned cash "out of the goodness of my heart," but true human motivations are anything but. What keeps me waking up every morning is the hope that MAYBE people will want to do more for others than for themselves.


If you wanted to call me an idiot you could have just said it instead of posting the exact same thing with the obvious implication that the point went over my head. -__-



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11 Jul 2017, 3:10 pm

hurtloam wrote:
How do you set the tinder region. I wonder how I'd get on in Italy. People often assume I'm Italian.


I used an android emulator and a GPS faker app to fake location.



Sabreclaw
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11 Jul 2017, 3:15 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
How do you set the tinder region. I wonder how I'd get on in Italy. People often assume I'm Italian.


I used an android emulator and a GPS faker app to fake location.


That seems a bit cheeky.

Are you suggesting that if a white chap is a total no-hoper in his own country that Asian women are statistically far more likely to find him attractive?



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11 Jul 2017, 3:22 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
How do you set the tinder region. I wonder how I'd get on in Italy. People often assume I'm Italian.


I used an android emulator and a GPS faker app to fake location.


Ugh that's more hassle than it's worth. I don't particularly want people too local to see me on tinder. It's a shame I can't set it to just in the city.



Aaron Rhodes
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11 Jul 2017, 3:34 pm

What was the OP's original question or issue? It seems to have been lost in this jungle of comments.



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11 Jul 2017, 3:41 pm

Aaron Rhodes wrote:
What was the OP's original question or issue? It seems to have been lost in this jungle of comments.

His therapist told him not to obsess over getting a girlfriend...to not even think about it right now.



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11 Jul 2017, 6:14 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
How do you set the tinder region. I wonder how I'd get on in Italy. People often assume I'm Italian.


I used an android emulator and a GPS faker app to fake location.


That seems a bit cheeky.

Are you suggesting that if a white chap is a total no-hoper in his own country that Asian women are statistically far more likely to find him attractive?


It's not about White vs Asian.

It's about how attractive/unattractive your own culture/community perceives you vs how other communities perceive you.

I would say that the peer and cultural influence create a kind of a community-specific "hive mind" regarding attractiveness among members of that given community.
So yes, you might perceived as ugly by your community while acceptable by others- you should other demographics.

That doesn't mean that cross-cultural ugliness (or even beauty) can't exist tho in extreme unlucky cases.



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12 Jul 2017, 1:09 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
How do you set the tinder region. I wonder how I'd get on in Italy. People often assume I'm Italian.


I used an android emulator and a GPS faker app to fake location.


That seems a bit cheeky.

Are you suggesting that if a white chap is a total no-hoper in his own country that Asian women are statistically far more likely to find him attractive?


It's not about White vs Asian.

It's about how attractive/unattractive your own culture/community perceives you vs how other communities perceive you.

I would say that the peer and cultural influence create a kind of a community-specific "hive mind" regarding attractiveness among members of that given community.
So yes, you might perceived as ugly by your community while acceptable by others- you should other demographics.

That doesn't mean that cross-cultural ugliness (or even beauty) can't exist tho in extreme unlucky cases.


Westernized Asian women don't look my way so ethnicity is irrelevant in my case.

hurtloam wrote:
How do you set the tinder region. I wonder how I'd get on in Italy. People often assume I'm Italian.


I have a bad habit of associating people's avatars with how they look in person as well. :p

AngelRho wrote:
Aaron Rhodes wrote:
What was the OP's original question or issue? It seems to have been lost in this jungle of comments.

His therapist told him not to obsess over getting a girlfriend...to not even think about it right now.


He already said it for me but yeah. I have a hard time not thinking about it.



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14 Jul 2017, 3:34 pm

Is it bad that I am almost 29 and I still don't know how to play the dating game? Even if I missed out on the psychosocial moratorium, can I still catch up?