Why do you think a relationship will make you happy?

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AngelRho
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15 Aug 2017, 4:03 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
SilverBoltsisWmax wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
SilverBoltsisWmax wrote:
I think the best part about dating is the idea of someone who want's a woman being weak. If you are desperate in a sense and want a girlfriend it's unattractive to most girls causing you to basically instantly get rejected. That itself is the greatest self fulfilling prophecy I've ever met.


It seems to be the same for women. I know women who have been made fun of for it. Especially the not so attractive ones.

It's really tricky getting that balance. Interested in dating, but not too interested, but not so uninterested that no-one knows you are open to dating.


It's that reason alone I'm sure I'll be single till I die or I'll get lucky and meet a girl with the same mindset as me. That would be nice tell you the truth. Cause I really don't feel like acting the part to get a girl the way society deems it so.


Ahh but you see, you won't be seen as weak by a single girl who is also looking for a partner. You might be just who she was looking for.

Excellent point.

I was just responding to another thread, and this really made me think.

Is it important to be with someone? And if you do something out of character to make her feel special, even if it happens to be exactlywhat "society" supposedly wants/expects from you--and you do actually get the girl--can it really be all that bad? Look, "society" doesn't determine my decisions for me. INFORMS them, perhaps, but my attitude is "what did society ever do for me?" I'm the first in line to give society the finger. My question is am I bucking conformity for the sake of non-conformity, or are there real actual reasons to non-conform? And if I dislike "society," is it also necessarily true that society can not possibly have anything at all possible to offer? I mean, nothing at all? Am I wholly rejecting society, or just some of it? And how much? 85%? 98%?

So, no, society has done me next to no favors. But that doesn't mean I reject the whole as eeeeeeeevuhl. If bending just a little doesn't harm me, then perhaps it's ok if I just go with the flow to see a girl I'm interested in. I'm willing to do that.

I'm NOT willing to undergo a complete transformation into someone I'll hate every time I look in the mirror. But I don't get the feeling anyone is demanding me to.



RetroGamer87
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16 Sep 2017, 9:07 am

To be in a relationship is to be sitting under the sword of damocles. If you do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing, how quickly she can go from loving you to hating you.

I just got dumped again. The same as before. The same as my last girlfriend and the one before that. A word said in haste leads to a downward spiral.

Yes it made me happy. A month of happiness with a years of loneliness stretching out before and after. Most of all it made me feel lovable. It made me feel like somebody. For just a month.

You might be at rock bottom. You might be single, undatable, unemployable and without a home of your own but when you're at rock bottom you can't possibly fall. You can get a job and a wife and a house and you can lose them all. To fall from such a height would shatter you.


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RetroGamer87
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16 Sep 2017, 9:17 am

AngelRho wrote:
I'm NOT willing to undergo a complete transformation into someone I'll hate every time I look in the mirror. But I don't get the feeling anyone is demanding me to.
Several girlfriends have expected me to chang. It means either girls who expect their boyfriend to change are commonplace or it means I'm deeply flawed and I actually do need to change. Trouble is each of them tried to change me in a different way.

I thought I could get experience with girls yet girls are different and with each new girl my past experience becomes irrelevant. It's like learning to ride a bicycle, forgetting and starting over and and over again.


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Sabreclaw
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16 Sep 2017, 9:41 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:
I thought I could get experience with girls yet girls are different and with each new girl my past experience becomes irrelevant. It's like learning to ride a bicycle, forgetting and starting over and and over again.


You're definitely helping AngelRho's viewpoint that a lack of relationship experience is ultimately meaningless.



AngelRho
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16 Sep 2017, 12:36 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
I thought I could get experience with girls yet girls are different and with each new girl my past experience becomes irrelevant. It's like learning to ride a bicycle, forgetting and starting over and and over again.


You're definitely helping AngelRho's viewpoint that a lack of relationship experience is ultimately meaningless.

Oh, cool! My viewpoints need all the help they can get. :-p

I agree with the bicycle analogy. Good stuff.

Maybe it's kinda like riding diff bikes. Like, maybe your street bike is in the shop, so you try the spinning bike at the gym. Except nobody explains about the flywheel and you end up tearing up your knees trying to stop. So you take it easy and just get a casual 3-speed just for rolling around the neighborhood. You eventually go back to your street bike when you realize you're bored. So you get a mountain bike and hit the trails every weekend. You get used to that and figure, hey, I'm kinda good at this. So you sell the trail bike for a competition triathlon bike complete with aerobars, and that's what you end up finishing your first half-Ironman on.

Different bikes, different purposes, different riding techniques, different challenges. Going from one to the next really does require relearning how to ride.

The only things they have in common are wheels and chains.

Women are human beings. Sure, there are issues specific to women. But they all have the human element in common. What do they all want? Think about what YOU want and you've got the answer. Start there. Then you'll start to pick apart the individual woman and her uniqueness. That's when it gets fun.



i_wanna_blue
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22 Sep 2017, 4:55 pm

I can only assume that knowing a woman is attracted to me, will end up making a huge difference to my non-existent self-esteem. Maybe I'll wake up felling better about myself. Maybe I'll end up having a spring in my step, and I'll be less fearful approaching people because I have some form of validation about my worth. I don't know. Maybe it's not someone elses job to make me feel good about myself but knowing that someone cared enough to be in a relationship would certainly help.



RetroGamer87
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23 Sep 2017, 3:37 am

i_wanna_blue wrote:
I can only assume that knowing a woman is attracted to me, will end up making a huge difference to my non-existent self-esteem. Maybe I'll wake up felling better about myself. Maybe I'll end up having a spring in my step, and I'll be less fearful approaching people because I have some form of validation abworth.

I can say from experience that this is true. Knowing that someone wants to be with you gives you a massive self-esteem boost. When the relationship ends your self-esteem comes crashing down.


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hurtloam
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23 Sep 2017, 10:45 am

I actually don't think a relationship will make me happy anymore. I'm just getting along with my life. I don't see things changing. I can kind of cope on my own.

It seems that even just getting to know someone I'm interested in is really, really difficult. I'm done with that pain. Its not worth it.

I say this now, just wait until I fall for someone again. Then I'll be all head over heels, then it won't work, then I'll get upset, then I'll get depressed. Then I'll go back to accepting I'm the kind of person that can only be on their own.

And the cycle will repeat a few times till I die.

That's how it goes for me. And guess that's just how it is.



i_wanna_blue
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23 Sep 2017, 1:49 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
i_wanna_blue wrote:
I can only assume that knowing a woman is attracted to me, will end up making a huge difference to my non-existent self-esteem. Maybe I'll wake up felling better about myself. Maybe I'll end up having a spring in my step, and I'll be less fearful approaching people because I have some form of validation abworth.

I can say from experience that this is true. Knowing that someone wants to be with you gives you a massive self-esteem boost. When the relationship ends your self-esteem comes crashing down.


That's probably why I've never been in a relationship. It's one thing not having enough confidence to get into one, it's another thing having to face rejection when your self esteem is so low. I don't think I could cope with the crashing down bit.



hurtloam wrote:
I actually don't think a relationship will make me happy anymore. I'm just getting along with my life. I don't see things changing. I can kind of cope on my own.

It seems that even just getting to know someone I'm interested in is really, really difficult. I'm done with that pain. Its not worth it.

I say this now, just wait until I fall for someone again. Then I'll be all head over heels, then it won't work, then I'll get upset, then I'll get depressed. Then I'll go back to accepting I'm the kind of person that can only be on their own.

And the cycle will repeat a few times till I die.

That's how it goes for me. And guess that's just how it is.


lol, yeah. I tell myself I'll never develop a crush again, but I always do. I guess the cycle will just to repeat itself a few times over.



RetroGamer87
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23 Sep 2017, 9:22 pm

Aren't we a fun bunch of happy people :(


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SilverBoltsisWmax
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24 Sep 2017, 12:57 am

hurtloam wrote:
I actually don't think a relationship will make me happy anymore. I'm just getting along with my life. I don't see things changing. I can kind of cope on my own.

It seems that even just getting to know someone I'm interested in is really, really difficult. I'm done with that pain. Its not worth it.

I say this now, just wait until I fall for someone again. Then I'll be all head over heels, then it won't work, then I'll get upset, then I'll get depressed. Then I'll go back to accepting I'm the kind of person that can only be on their own.

And the cycle will repeat a few times till I die.

That's how it goes for me. And guess that's just how it is.


If that is the case then you are dating guys who are bad for you but deep down you "feel" like they will change for you in the ways you want. Then it never works out and you end up single again. Most balanced relationships never end because both parties are happy, or something like that. It's when one person feels like they can do better and deserve better that relationships fail.

And if your having that much trouble its 100% you in some way. You should just fix your issue whatever it is and be happy. Don't worry about the hastle to get there just think of it like adam sandlers click.



hurtloam
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24 Sep 2017, 2:03 am

SilverBoltsisWmax wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I actually don't think a relationship will make me happy anymore. I'm just getting along with my life. I don't see things changing. I can kind of cope on my own.

It seems that even just getting to know someone I'm interested in is really, really difficult. I'm done with that pain. Its not worth it.

I say this now, just wait until I fall for someone again. Then I'll be all head over heels, then it won't work, then I'll get upset, then I'll get depressed. Then I'll go back to accepting I'm the kind of person that can only be on their own.

And the cycle will repeat a few times till I die.

That's how it goes for me. And guess that's just how it is.


If that is the case then you are dating guys who are bad for you but deep down you "feel" like they will change for you in the ways you want. Then it never works out and you end up single again. Most balanced relationships never end because both parties are happy, or something like that. It's when one person feels like they can do better and deserve better that relationships fail.

And if your having that much trouble its 100% you in some way. You should just fix your issue whatever it is and be happy. Don't worry about the hastle to get there just think of it like adam sandlers click.


I've never been dating anyone. All your assumptions here are wrong because you don't even know me



SilverBoltsisWmax
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24 Sep 2017, 7:19 am

hurtloam wrote:
SilverBoltsisWmax wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I actually don't think a relationship will make me happy anymore. I'm just getting along with my life. I don't see things changing. I can kind of cope on my own.

It seems that even just getting to know someone I'm interested in is really, really difficult. I'm done with that pain. Its not worth it.

I say this now, just wait until I fall for someone again. Then I'll be all head over heels, then it won't work, then I'll get upset, then I'll get depressed. Then I'll go back to accepting I'm the kind of person that can only be on their own.

And the cycle will repeat a few times till I die.

That's how it goes for me. And guess that's just how it is.


If that is the case then you are dating guys who are bad for you but deep down you "feel" like they will change for you in the ways you want. Then it never works out and you end up single again. Most balanced relationships never end because both parties are happy, or something like that. It's when one person feels like they can do better and deserve better that relationships fail.

And if your having that much trouble its 100% you in some way. You should just fix your issue whatever it is and be happy. Don't worry about the hastle to get there just think of it like adam sandlers click.


I've never been dating anyone. All your assumptions here are wrong because you don't even know me


??? Ok. Why do you do this each time I bring this up. If you post something like this.
(It seems that even just getting to know someone I'm interested in is really, really difficult. I'm done with that pain. Its not worth it.

I say this now, just wait until I fall for someone again. Then I'll be all head over heels, then it won't work, then I'll get upset, then I'll get depressed. Then I'll go back to accepting I'm the kind of person that can only be on their own.)

This implies you A are trying to get to know certain guys who you are interested in, B you are "falling for certain guys over and over again, it doesn't work for some reason, you get upset, you get depressed, then you tell yourself you want to be on your own.

How is that not a catch 22. I can literally bring up posts where you say society tells you there is nothing wrong with being alone and how you want to be able to show more emotion than that, and then vice versa. Ive asked you about this countless times, and you tell me you don't wanna date anyone.

Look. There are two paths to this story.


A you want to ACTUALLY date someone, you pick a good candidate, you cut out the bs that society tells you, you gotta do and tell him upfront and B you go from there
Here is another thing, just so you know. Men don't like a chase at all typically. The men who do, who "like a chase" are the ones who play games and you don't wanna date those because they will game you, aka use emotional and mental manipulation to put your mind in a state of happiness and a mixture of other feelings, aka they will control how you feel about them with skill. Dunno why girls accept this as a good thing but w/e



B you want to be alone you stop trying with guys not because of failure from previous attempts but you ACTUALLY just dont wanna be with anyone for a long time and that doesn't have to do with potential failure, you just don't want it.



hurtloam
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24 Sep 2017, 7:46 am

I actually I agree with what you're saying about the guys who like a chase. Ive got a friend who says if a man likes me he'll come to me. And i have so many arguments with her about that. Someone with the confidence to do that will probably be the controlling sort that I don't want.

I've run out of guys now. It's too late. It's over for me. All the single men I know have rejected me and that's it game over.

Finis

I think you and I just rub each other up the wrong way. I'm not having an argument with you again. We've got very different communication styles and it's just 2 people totally missing the point of what the other is saying.



madrigala
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24 Sep 2017, 8:13 am

Im sure this has already been said in the last 25 pages (which I haven't read unfortunately) but the sense of completion, fulfillment and sufficiency that describes "happiness" cannot be found in a relationship but must be obtained before. Once you have found a degree of inner certainty and peace then you can establish healthy relationships which validate who you are at your core.



hurtloam
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24 Sep 2017, 10:01 am

madrigala wrote:
Im sure this has already been said in the last 25 pages (which I haven't read unfortunately) but the sense of completion, fulfillment and sufficiency that describes "happiness" cannot be found in a relationship but must be obtained before. Once you have found a degree of inner certainty and peace then you can establish healthy relationships which validate who you are at your core.


Thank you. We are very enlightened now. No one has ever told us that before. :roll: