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Why do you think a relationship will make you happy?

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rdos
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21 Jul 2017, 3:01 am

TheSpectrum wrote:
No way. It's a relationship killer! One day, someone will get fed up. It'll take a long time for the unrequited love to then heal.


It's a strange view that people always get fed up. Does that mean you think people in committed relationships will always get fed up as well? Or do you think an actual commitment (which is only words) will change that?

For me, words don't change anything. It's mutual persistent interest that counts, regardless if there is a commitment or not. Part of that is liking somebody "too much". So, if you never dare to like somebody "too much", then you are not likely to get together with somebody in a serious way.



TheSpectrum
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21 Jul 2017, 6:42 am

rdos wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
No way. It's a relationship killer! One day, someone will get fed up. It'll take a long time for the unrequited love to then heal.


It's a strange view that people always get fed up. Does that mean you think people in committed relationships will always get fed up as well? Or do you think an actual commitment (which is only words) will change that?

For me, words don't change anything. It's mutual persistent interest that counts, regardless if there is a commitment or not. Part of that is liking somebody "too much". So, if you never dare to like somebody "too much", then you are not likely to get together with somebody in a serious way.

My view isn't that people always get fed up, but that people who lead meaningful lives will struggle to maintain them, the meaningful relationship and whatever else it was that drew the two people together if there are such high levels of codependency. The longest relationships I have seen are ones that are dysfunctional, because those people have learned to live with the worst qualities of a person and enjoy them nearly as much as the best ones. When you try to maintain this idea of perfection and avoid all the troubles, it'll backfire.

Being in a relationship shouldn't be the only thing that makes you happy, or something that makes you happy all the time. It's OK for a relationship to suck now and again. Also, it won't naturally make you happy. Any brief and shallow contentment of not being alone any more will eventually be overshadowed by the sense of commitment, inadequacy or insecurities if someone believes the relationship will make them happy and they must maintain it at all costs.


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AngelRho
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21 Jul 2017, 7:06 am

TheSpectrum wrote:
rdos wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
No way. It's a relationship killer! One day, someone will get fed up. It'll take a long time for the unrequited love to then heal.


It's a strange view that people always get fed up. Does that mean you think people in committed relationships will always get fed up as well? Or do you think an actual commitment (which is only words) will change that?

For me, words don't change anything. It's mutual persistent interest that counts, regardless if there is a commitment or not. Part of that is liking somebody "too much". So, if you never dare to like somebody "too much", then you are not likely to get together with somebody in a serious way.

My view isn't that people always get fed up, but that people who lead meaningful lives will struggle to maintain them, the meaningful relationship and whatever else it was that drew the two people together if there are such high levels of codependency. The longest relationships I have seen are ones that are dysfunctional, because those people have learned to live with the worst qualities of a person and enjoy them nearly as much as the best ones. When you try to maintain this idea of perfection and avoid all the troubles, it'll backfire.

Being in a relationship shouldn't be the only thing that makes you happy, or something that makes you happy all the time. It's OK for a relationship to suck now and again. Also, it won't naturally make you happy. Any brief and shallow contentment of not being alone any more will eventually be overshadowed by the sense of commitment, inadequacy or insecurities if someone believes the relationship will make them happy and they must maintain it at all costs.

In my relationship, we don't really have codependency. We could possibly stand alone.

The term "interdependency" is more accurate for us. While we don't technically NEED each other, we've reached a state of synergy and symbiosis, whereas codependencies tend to be mutually parasitic.

All relationships will have a degree of dysfunction, yes. That's only because nobody is perfect, and there's no such thing as two people who are perfect for each other. It's more a question of whether a pairing is mutually beneficial.

Nothing wrong with a sense of commitment, either. It's whether you want to commit. I don't look at other attractive women because I only want to be with my wife. Sure, dating had its fun. But what we have now is better. We've been together nearly 20 years, and nothing has really changed. We see no need for anything to change. We've really enjoyed it.



TheSpectrum
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21 Jul 2017, 7:10 am

Great :)
(Sorry, short response I know.)


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AngelRho
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21 Jul 2017, 7:24 am

TheSpectrum wrote:
Great :)
(Sorry, short response I know.)

Brief is always best. I'm just a motormouth when it comes to topics I'm passionate about. :lol:



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21 Jul 2017, 7:43 am

drwho222 wrote:
cberg wrote:
I've been saying for quite a while now that greenhouse effect deniers are like the dept. of Homeland Security for the Martian atmosphere.


Oh the greenhouse effect is very real. But WANTING the world to end? That's nuts.


Ok so I don't really want the world to end but we allow the Earth to fall victim to a runaway greenhouse effect because we listened to "research" funded by oil companies than we will get precisely what we deserve.


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BuyerBeware
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21 Jul 2017, 8:47 am

TheSpectrum wrote:
BuyerBeware wrote:
Not true. I've had to do quite a lot of the pursuing both in friendships and relationships.

The only guys who have pursued me, other than my husband within the bounds of marriage, were either desperately downtrodden and looking for someone to fall on, f**k, and forget, just looking to f**k, or controlling creepy psychopaths who didn't even want to know ME but still wanted ownership of the cute skinny girl (not so cute and skinny after 4 kids, so I guess they would have been disappointed if they'd managed to cage me) to prop up their self-esteem.

Every relationship and friendship I have had has required me to do at least half of the pursuing/initiating to get off the ground and maintain.

In other words....the buyer must beware :jocolor:


Of me?? ALWAYS mwahahahaha... Hence the name.

Of course, anyone who honestly believes a meat popsicle isn't going to melt and run and puddle with time probably deserves what they get down the road... :twisted:


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drwho222
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21 Jul 2017, 1:25 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
drwho222 wrote:
cberg wrote:
I've been saying for quite a while now that greenhouse effect deniers are like the dept. of Homeland Security for the Martian atmosphere.


Oh the greenhouse effect is very real. But WANTING the world to end? That's nuts.


I think he was being facetious.


That and frustrated. Not all of us are fortunate as you drwho222.


I hear you. And up to the time when I met my GF I was the same way.



RetroGamer87
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21 Jul 2017, 7:43 pm

drwho222 wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
drwho222 wrote:
cberg wrote:
I've been saying for quite a while now that greenhouse effect deniers are like the dept. of Homeland Security for the Martian atmosphere.


Oh the greenhouse effect is very real. But WANTING the world to end? That's nuts.


I think he was being facetious.


That and frustrated. Not all of us are fortunate as you drwho222.


I hear you. And up to the time when I met my GF I was the same way.


I'll probably calm down when I get another GF and I'll probably calm up when I get dumped again. Same as the last few times.


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slw1990
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23 Jul 2017, 1:55 am

I would want one because we could look out for each other. I would want someone who I could relate to and be able to share each other's personal experiences. When I hear about someone's problems it sometimes causes me to be physically attracted to them.

I also crave physical affection.



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23 Jul 2017, 7:03 am

Raleigh wrote:
Loneliness has been shown to reduce life expectancy as much as smoking.
If you're lonely and you smoke you're extra screwed, I guess.
What if you're lonely and you smoke and you're overweight?


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RetroGamer87
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23 Jul 2017, 7:07 am

My concern is that I probably will find a partner one day but it will take so long that more than half of my lifetime will have already elapsed. e.g I meet my partner at 50 and then live to be 80.


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23 Jul 2017, 3:21 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
My concern is that I probably will find a partner one day but it will take so long that more than half of my lifetime will have already elapsed. e.g I meet my partner at 50 and then live to be 80.


That's better than nothing. I think you would wish you had met them sooner, but still be glad to have them in your life.

I really don't think I'll find anyone. Not even at 50. 15 years until I'm 50 and I haven't met anyone in the past 15 years who has wanted me. I sincerely doubt I'm going to somehow become more appealing as I get older.



RetroGamer87
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23 Jul 2017, 6:48 pm

hurtloam wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
My concern is that I probably will find a partner one day but it will take so long that more than half of my lifetime will have already elapsed. e.g I meet my partner at 50 and then live to be 80.


That's better than nothing. I think you would wish you had met them sooner, but still be glad to have them in your life.

I really don't think I'll find anyone. Not even at 50. 15 years until I'm 50 and I haven't met anyone in the past 15 years who has wanted me. I sincerely doubt I'm going to somehow become more appealing as I get older.


Yeah I'll wish I'd met them sooner and that regret will sour the whole experience for me.

Even if I met a girl tomorrow I'd still be jelous of all the happy 20 year old couples. I'd blame myself for taking longer than them to figure it out.

I don't think a relationship will make me happy. I don't think a relationship will make my depression vanish. I think my depression is a feedback loop. Failure begats failure, hence depression. I would still be unhappy with myself. Even though a relationship wouldn't make me happy it would still be an improvement.

I actually might get more appealing as I get older. As I get older my wealth increases. I get better jobs, live in nicer places, etc.

The unfortunate thing for women is that women get judged on their looks and looks fade over time. Men get judged on their wealth and wealth increases over time.

I have more money now than I did when I was 20 and I'll probably be more financially secure when I'm 50 than I am now.


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24 Jul 2017, 12:42 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Raleigh wrote:
Loneliness has been shown to reduce life expectancy as much as smoking.
If you're lonely and you smoke you're extra screwed, I guess.
What if you're lonely and you smoke and you're overweight?


ALOT of people in my family, my family's friends and my friends family are a bit like this.

The average Australian is expected to live to at least 75 for men and 80 for women, but a lot of people in my family smoke, dridrink like theyre 16 every weekend even when they're 30+, are overweight/obese, rarely/never exercise, poor diets, poor sleep, not visiting doctor enough, using drugs use cell phones just ad much as young people (technology is even more bad for your eyes the older you get) etc.

I put the life expectancy of most of my family at 55-65.

All of those things, including loneliness, really do take years off your life and combined they can take a good 5-20+ years off.



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01 Aug 2017, 11:24 pm

Is it normal for to feel envious of people in a relationship?


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