I'm always bored and hate everything, depression?

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Hi guys,

in August last year I switched to a new job and also got a new flat. Somehow that made me anxious and depressed. I felt really sh***y for a few months and finally got some therapy. It's my first time ever to have a therapist and I've been going for about 6 months now.

I really like my therapist and I can't think of anything she could do better. But ultimately I don't feel like I'm improving. As soon as I started the new job I instantly hated it, nothing was really bad about it but I got bad vibes. And I still don't like it. I am now applying for different jobs but working makes me really irritable and stressed at the moment, especially since I have a coworker who is just driving me crazy because she needs help for everything and we just don't like each other.

The new flat was fine for a few months, I actually liked it. But in, I guess February, I randomly started hating it. Now I feel no connection to the flat at all, it feels like it's not my home. I can't even really say why, there's nothing objectively bad about it. I just can't stop thinking that I don't want to live there and I don't like going home.

In general, I've just been feeling really empty inside and bored/irritable all the time. A few weeks ago I felt like things were improving. For example I booked my first vacation in years, a hiking trip in Iceland (which I've wanted to visit for a long time) for mid July, and I was really happy about it, super excited, for about a week.. then it suddenly vanished and I just stopped feeling anything about it. Rationally it should be fun but I'm just not excited anymore. I also stopped doing some things I used to love. A small example, I stopped watching some of my favourite channels on youtube, because I suddenly feel uninterested in their videos.

Basically I'm just bored and empty and feel like the same s**t happens every day, everything is so mediocre and meaningless. The only thing that helps is distraction and trying new things, but that only works for the time I'm doing it. As soon as I'm back home I'll feel the same old thing again.

I have my next therapy session in end July due to vacation. I'm hesitant to tell her I've gotten worse again because just last session I was so enthusiastic.

Anybody know this feeling? It's been quite a long phase now - basically almost a year now with only minor improvements...

I have those feelings, too, for about 2 yes now and it does seem to be getting worse and I don't know why. I was diagnosed with depression & anxiety 20 years ago. I've tried different therapists and medications, still depression with anxiety. Anyway, now this bored, empty, uninterested in life has been happening. I gave up on therapy. Maybe I should start again. I never stop going to a psychologist just because the meds have helped for the former 2 diagnoses and my doctor has been changing dosages on my meds to help me get out of this funk. Not working. I sorry I can't help you but I can commiserate with you.

yeah, that's how i have felt for over a decade now. except that i ain't functional enough to maintain a job, much less a full time one. the only jobs i had, were minimum wage. and got fired.

furthermore, for a long time, i could not summon enough gumption to try new things..


and i am 34 years old. in undergrad, 18-24, tried new things. but part of that was the novelty, of being away from "home" for the first time. interacting with different precious lil "people". trying different eating habits. going to a different school. in a different city. edgy. anxious. exhilarating. exciting. fun. scary. there were a lot of good and bad parts. but i could not do it again. could be adrenal gland fatigue. at my age, can't handle all that drama anymore. not sure if i ever could.

the older i get the more things i fear. the more intensely i fear them. the older i get the more precious lil "people" i hate. the more intensely i hate them.

from birth til age 12, my emotional resilience, metabolism, and IQ score increased. afterward, rapid plummeting.

running, biking, math, physics, mechanical engineering, structural engineering, swimming. got better til age 21. then rapidly plummeting.

at this point, it has been such a long time since someone made the mistake of hiring my worthless corpse. and almost every job that hired me fired me too. that it is hard to imagine someone might make the mistake of hiring me. while i do have a BA, i do not have specific job skills. at least, not any job skills that everyone else in the world also does not have.

the other thing, too, technical and "soft" skills aside, i am just totally out of it. it's like my brain and mind are so distrcted. distracted. detached. dissociated. disturbed. clinically depressed. (mental illness. officially diagnosed. prescribed Prozac and Ativan).

quite frankly, i find it extremely difficult to concentrate for the slightest amount of time, on even the slightest thing.

at this point, i find it extremely difficult to imagine how i got a BA. yeah i know it was not an advanced degree, not an Ivy League school, not STEM, not graduated in 4 years, not a 4.0 gpa. and et cetera.

but seriously it feels like like one big brain fart.

and quite frankly i do not get the point of doing anything.

the good things did not come as rewards for when i did something good.

the bad things were not a punishment for when i did something bad.

so why do anything? things are tiring.

Dear Sanctus:

I am sorry that you are experiencing this; and yes I do think that it is a particularly difficult form of depression. I have also struggled with this and I have made a little list in my journal that often helps me. I stop liking how food tastes, feel like everything is horrible, lose interest in all of the things that are usually part of my routine. I try to ask myself certain questions and proceed with a plan based on my answers. I can send you some of the items on that list, so let me know if you want any of them.

The big thing that I try to remind myself is that depression (like mania; I have episodes of both) will pass eventually. Although 1 year is a long time, this will not last forever. When you struggle with depression (which sometimes feels like apathy), life is a bunch of hills and valleys. I try to remind myself that this is a hill and if I continue to put one step in front of the other I will eventually reach the top and find a valley.

I think that you are doing some very good things - activities can provide a good distraction even if only temporary. Do you have any close friends that you can talk to as well, not just your therapist? Even if you do not feel like socializing, if you try to meet a close friend somewhere quiet, it may help.

Did you go on your trip yet? If so, did you enjoy it?
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you stop liking how food tastes? which particular foods did you stop liking?

sometimes i eat too much. sometimes i eat too little.

an article said that when someone is clinically depressed, foods high in fat and sugar taste better to them, than when they are not clinically depressed.

sometimes, i find that. sometimes when i am clinically depressed, i crave more food. the cravings are more often. the cravings are more intense. the cravings are more specific. the cravings are for something with a lot of fat and sugar. peanut butter, chocolate, tuna salad. and then when i eat it, it tastes better than usual. and it's harder to stop eating.

it's weird though. usually i hardly ever get hungry, but when i start eating, feel like can't stop.

I actually don't stop liking particular foods - I stop liking all foods. I won't feel like eating at all, but eventually I get lightheaded and have to eat something. Nothing really tastes all that good to me; I just know that my day will be even harder if I don't put something in my stomach.

I think that there may be a reasonable biological explanation for craving foods high in fat and sugar. Some studies say that depression is a result of low levels of neurotransmitters (serotonin, dopamine, etc). Foods that are high in fat and sugar can cause spikes in production of these neurotransmitters, which may cause you to temporarily feel better. I am not an expert, this is just from my own online research (and you know how the interweb can be). If anyone who is reading this has a more expert opinion I would love to hear it.

I will say that I eat a ridiculous amount of peanut butter. Yummers. However, I might be the only person on the planet who doesn't like chocolate or ice cream.

Do you experience large fluctuations in your weight due to the change in eating habits?

I actually don't stop liking particular foods - I stop liking all foods. I won't feel like eating at all, but eventually I get lightheaded and have to eat something. Nothing really tastes all that good to me; I just know that my day will be even harder if I don't put something in my stomach.

I think that there may be a reasonable biological explanation for craving foods high in fat and sugar. Some studies say that depression is a result of low levels of neurotransmitters (serotonin, dopamine, etc). Foods that are high in fat and sugar can cause spikes in production of these neurotransmitters, which may cause you to temporarily feel better. I am not an expert, this is just from my own online research (and you know how the interweb can be). If anyone who is reading this has a more expert opinion I would love to hear it.

I will say that I eat a ridiculous amount of peanut butter. Yummers. However, I might be the only person on the planet who doesn't like chocolate or ice cream.

Do you experience large fluctuations in your weight due to the change in eating habits?
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when i was 6, i gained 10 pounds in 1 week.

when i was 13, i gained 8 pounds in one summer. and did not get taller. gorged. a lot. ate half an angel food cake once. my first clinical depression episode. stayed at "home" all summer. clinically depressed. beginning of puberty. no precious lil "friends". bullying at school. precious lil "parents" made me take the SAT in 7th grade. and etc.

when i was 19, gained 15 pounds in one academic quarter.

with the exception of those instances, no large fluctuations in weight.

love peanut butter and chocolate.

ice cream is ok, but i tend not to eat it. b/c have to eat the whole thing at one time. among other things.