Why do NT's speak in code?

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At my age I have learned enough NT "code" to understand how much I do not understand a lot of "code".
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exactly. what is the point of saying "how are you doing?", if there are no words that could adequately depict the answer to that question? and, if there were words, what is the point in dropping everything and giving a long winded response?

precious lil "people" say "you got mad", as if that was a fact. precious lil "people" act like they are so special. but they are (more or less, socially) all the same. they say "mad", instead of "angry". but "mad" is not an emotion. and "mad" used to mean "mentally ill."

precious lil "people" say "huh" and "what" instead of "excuse me." but when they talk, they act like everything they say is as (1) important as the latest greatest scientific invention (2) interesting as someone else's sexual orientation (3) urgent as a tsunami.

and they half listen when you talk.

precious lil "people" refer to himself/herself as "we", "people" and "most people". but there is just one of them and one of me.

precious lil "people" act like they have never done anything wrong before. they act morally innocent. they do the slightst personal favor and act like they just saved your life. then when you do something they do not like they label it as "disrespectful" or "rude". as if that's a fact. and as if they have never done anything wrong before.

precious lil "people" say that they "can't" do something, just b/c they do not want to.

precious lil "people" say that "you need to" do something. but that's just peer pressure.

precious lil "people" act like they are absolutely important, morally innocent, socially cool, awesome, academically smart.

I think "excuse me" means a lot more than that here in the UK and I'm not sure it can be said in a polite way any more.

"excuse me" is used aggressively and with some superiority meaning "What are you implying" , "Who do you think you are" , "What do you mean by that".

It can also be used sarcastically to imply that your not sorry to the way someone negatively reacted to what you just said or did.

The only time I would ever use that word is in an opening statement usually to a complete stranger when enquiring about something.

I used to find "pardon" the politest way of saying you didn't hear something but even that seems rude to me today so I don't use it any more.

I think because I'm British I am usually apologetic when I don't hear something, so say something like "Sorry , I didn't hear that" but with people I really know I always use "huh" , "what" , "eh" which to me is just lazy abbreviated slang or maybe I'm just a precious lil person .

It depends on the tone of the voice.

Most of the time, "excuse me" still means "pardon me" (in the apologetic sense).

But, of course, when somebody says "Excuuuuuuse me!" That means something different.

It depends on the tone of the voice.

Most of the time, "excuse me" still means "pardon me" (in the apologetic sense).

But, of course, when somebody says "Excuuuuuuse me!" That means something different.
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yes, but that is correct for any statement, not just "excuse me."

but yeah, NTs speak in code. they say "have a nice day," but that is literally a command.

statements like "i like your backpack" are compliments. but it implies that it matters (to the recipient) what the speaker likes. it's like. wtf? yesterday, i walked past a stranger and he told me that. like it was a compliment and i had to say "thank you." but that don't make no sense. first of all, i just choose and purchased the backpack. i did not sew it. second of all, what if he liked the backpack, was he going to take it? third of all, he saw the backpack once for several seconds. why does he even care if he liked the backpack?

and why do extroverts act like they have to constantly be talking?

some precious lil "people" act like they are so innocent. like they have never done anything wrong before. never hurt anyone. in any way. not one single time.

the meditation instructor was a licensed clinical social worker. (LCSW). she invited me to two free sessions. within one session (50 minutes), she asked 3 (three) times, phrased in different ways. "does she hurt you?". the LCSW acted so innocent and enthusiastic. ("she" meant my precious lil "mom".). seriously? for a relationship as close as a parent/child relationship, for over 18 years. how is it possible that one party did not hurt the other party? it is not happening. okay? that does not necessarily follow one party needs to get sent to 5150.

besides, everything everyone does has some sort of effect. actions, statements, thoughts, emotions. effects. consequences. are not necessarily direct, physical, immediate, drastic, measurable, or illegal. and it is just not possible to identify and quantify all of the effects, that one action has on the world. besides, everything is either getting better, staying the same, or getting worse. "helping", no effect, or "hurting". it is not practical to guarantee that with a single action, all the effects are either no effect or helping.

for example, when i was 12, i wrongfully accused someone of stealing something. more than three of them physically assaulted me at the bus stop. now i am 34 and i obsess over it every single day. at the time, i just assumed they were bad/wrong and i was good/right. but it ain't so simple. it just ain't. that's situational vs dispositional. and i did not know any of them. nobody is completely good or bad.

besides, after the drama, i gorged on Kit Kats. that helped Safeway and Nestle. so, in other words, those precious lil "people" could have claimed community service hours, from Safeway and Nestle. b/c those precious lil "people" helped safeway and nestle.

seriously though.

living things have to hurt other living things to remain alive.

They are complimenting your sense of style and probably want to know where you got the backpack because they wish they had one too. Sometimes they will also be a compliment your bravery because they envy you for not being embarrassed of wearing thet one and would wear one if they weren't afraid of how others see them. Or they don't actually like your backpack but like you and want to make you feel better or like them.

Unless they are being sarcastic and the backpack is actually weird/ugly or they simply dislike you.

So yeah, there is a lot of code in there.

But I personally think everyone speaks in code, NT or not, some people do it more, some less but there is noone who doesn't at all simply because many words have multiple meanings and there is no way to guess which meaning they meant unless you know them very well or know where they are coming from. Unless they get into too much detail but it takes time and flooding others with details is also no good because people just stop listening to you at some point and the message doesn't get across anyway.

My NT mom speaks with code very often, for example she says "bring me my phone, it's on the table" and I look at te table and phone is not there. It appears what she meant was the table in our garden but she failed to say she meant "in garden". But I am not the only one who complains about that - her NT friends also mention that habit of hers.

My dad (in the spectrum) on the other hand tends to say "Do you have nothing to do?" when he means "Clean the kitchen", "Prepare some salad", "Hang the laundry" etc. He won't tell what he means. He just wants me to "know" what is supposed to be done. Often I will do one thing and still get yelled at because I failed to guess what he meant and didn't do what he wanted me to do. My mom also often complains about him not telling us exactly what he wants to be done.

Well there is the usage when you're walking through a store and someone standing in your way in the narrow aisle. It can be either polite,or mock-polite (ie nasty) depend upon on how you say it.

But then, as you're saying, there is the conversational use of it. Nixon says "if the president does it, then its not illegal", and the gobsmacked David Frost replies " excuse me!?!?!?!?!" (ie WTF did you just say?)

Probably that is more common a usage in Britain. But Americans understand it.

Without context it's difficult to tell what's going on in your phone example. It does seem like very poor communication on your mum's behalf and if it is code you'd need an enigma machine to crack it.

With your example about your Dad , again difficult without context but it seems like he's taken the type of parenting approach where he wants you to figure out what your responsibilities are on your own and not keep telling you what to do so I do see this as a type of parental skill / code.

Yep , totally forgot about that usage.

They are complimenting your sense of style and probably want to know where you got the backpack because they wish they had one too. Sometimes they will also be a compliment your bravery because they envy you for not being embarrassed of wearing thet one and would wear one if they weren't afraid of how others see them. Or they don't actually like your backpack but like you and want to make you feel better or like them.

Unless they are being sarcastic and the backpack is actually weird/ugly or they simply dislike you.

So yeah, there is a lot of code in there.

But I personally think everyone speaks in code, NT or not, some people do it more, some less but there is noone who doesn't at all simply because many words have multiple meanings and there is no way to guess which meaning they meant unless you know them very well or know where they are coming from. Unless they get into too much detail but it takes time and flooding others with details is also no good because people just stop listening to you at some point and the message doesn't get across anyway.

My NT mom speaks with code very often, for example she says "bring me my phone, it's on the table" and I look at te table and phone is not there. It appears what she meant was the table in our garden but she failed to say she meant "in garden". But I am not the only one who complains about that - her NT friends also mention that habit of hers.

My dad (in the spectrum) on the other hand tends to say "Do you have nothing to do?" when he means "Clean the kitchen", "Prepare some salad", "Hang the laundry" etc. He won't tell what he means. He just wants me to "know" what is supposed to be done. Often I will do one thing and still get yelled at because I failed to guess what he meant and didn't do what he wanted me to do. My mom also often complains about him not telling us exactly what he wants to be done.
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it would be impossible, not practical, not functional, or, at least, extremely difficult to never speak in code.

unless, of course, you never talk altogether.

NTs have a way of talking. if you do or say something they like they say "good" or "cool". when you do something they do not like they say "why?". as if they are receptive to the answer, if it is a good answer. but they are not receptive to any answer. they act like you have to justify it to their satisfaction. or else apologize and change it such that it is "cool" with them.

seriously.

some extroverts will not stop flapping their traps. they have had the nerve to ask me questions like "are you a girl or a boy?". and they do not find that that question is none of their business. but when i ask the slightest question, like under what basis did you qualify for financial aid at the YMCA, those ret*ds have the nerve to ask "why?". as if the question they asked me was less personal than the one i asked them.

if you do not show interest, then you are not being social. you are being aloof, and in some ways, arrogant. if you show too much interest, it's "none of your business."

if you look at someone for a second too long, uppity extroverts say "are you ok?", "do you have a question?", and "may i help you?". negative extroverts respond, "you got a neck problem? want me to fix it for you?".

but all four responses are the same thing. functionally.

all four responses make it sound like they (the speakers) are morally superior. it's like they have never done anything wrong before. and if you have a question they have an answer. if you need help, they can and will help. b/c they are powerful enough to help and kind enough to help.

yeah that was just a stranger's compliment about the backpack.

if it's a stranger, then they can pretty much do anything they want. even if i do not like it. as long as they do not rape me, i can and will just passive aggressively tolerate it.

"pick your battles."

but seriously?

other extroverts have had the nerve to tell remark on the blanket, my hair (especially hair). (rolls eyes). clothes. "pull up your pants." and then remark on my holey polo shirt (contained holes).

it was like one action: one statement.

in other words, it was like every time i made an action, they made a statement.

almost all extroverts that i have ever interacted with, unless professionally trained to do otherwise, act like it is natural and necessary for them to publically announce every thought and action that goes through their brain.

CAN AN NT PLEASE ANSWER? THANK YOU!

An NT would give you the same answers we are giving.

i haven't read the thread, so some of my answers may echo the others...also pls note, this is my own perspective with some generalisations and i have tried to keep it simple, and sometimes struggled to articulate, for what is in actual fact innate and automatic for me.

personally, i feel we all use code...but it's like anything...the code we use and understand is no longer code...example:generally speaking, when a girl likes a guy, or a guy likes a girl, there isn't a full-frontal attack but instead, they may use "code to communicate their intent", right? it could be flirting, becoming closer as friends, doing stuff with the other person that you wouldn't normally do...whatever...point is...this is a silent code to communicate you are interested...it's still code tho...but it's decoded "code".

1) Why don't you say what you mean/ how often do you "speak in code" in a conversation?

i only say what i mean to someone that i know can handle it, by this i mean, if i know the person very very well, and they know me, i know how far i can go in terms of honesty...don't misunderstand the use of the term "honesty" here...this does not mean i "lie" to those i don't know very well...it means i am more "circumspect" in how i word things.
i've seen comments about how NTs "lie"...well yes, ALL people lie irrespective of neurology but, a distinction should be made in your own mind between "code" as you have called it and actual lying.

crucially, the difference in the "code" you are referring to is the language that is used.

example of a lie:

me - "did you finish the last of the milk and put the empty carton back in the fridge for me to find?"
idiot that finished the milk - "wasn't me"

*example of being circumspect with a work colleague that looks ghastly imo, with her new hairstyle:

colleague - "do you like my new hairstyle?"
me - "tbh, i preferred your hair as it used to be but this one will grow on me eventually"

note, i did not say what i was actually thinking...it will indeed grow on me, so i'm not lying either. i could have been completely blunt and said i think it looks ghastly but then, i do not know her well enough to gauge whether she would have been hurt/embarrassed/developed a complex etc.

words should be used with care. if anyone can understand that, it's most of the people here. saying something "negative" isn't necessary all of the time...it does not make one honest just, potentially, inconsiderate and hurtful.

OTOH...note my reply to my friend...

friend - "you like my new hairstyle?"
me - "jesus christ, what the hell were you thinking? fix it before i decide to paper-bag it!"

to summarise; how long you have known someone determines the level of consideration given and the extent of "code" used.

2) If somebody else is speaking in code, how do you decipher the hidden meaning?

i apply the above "rules of engagement" (as per ansa to Q1) to all my interactions because by and large, they all follow the same pattern. it's exhausting for me as well...the difference is, i am probably better geared to deal with that mind-fuck.
sometimes, i get it wrong too. i say too much, not enough, or i don't catch the "meaning" behind the "code"...i dwell on it for a bit, pin-point actual meaning eventually, then move on...everyone has this problem of "miscommunication" ...no-one is perfect all of the time.

however, because we are both using the same "language" to speak to each other...we mostly "get" what the other is saying. for an example that illustrates, see * above and reverse it so that i am the questioner with the new hairdo.

3) Do you ever take words at face value?

sometimes, else i'd go mad. at the checkout at sainsbury's. at the local kfc when speaking to staff placing an order. "hi, how you doin?" is usually taken at face value because it's being used as an ice-breaker. the ONLY time i would read that comment as a question, would be from friends. THEN i would know they actually want to know HOW i am doing.


hope the above answers some of the queries. apologies on length. and, no need to shout.

Last edited by boofle on 26 Jul 2017, 9:39 am, edited 2 times in total.

Or it can be code for 'you seem busy, I don't want to impose and get in your way.' unless of course they specifically said this when your not busy then maybe it would be a hint they are actually being rude. But if you're actually busy chances are they just don't want to be in your way, not that you're boring them.

this.

usually when i say that sorta thing to someone, or someone says it to me, it's code for you/me = busy...must dash...but don't wanna be blunt about it.

a friend of mine linked something that was pretty startling :

translating some things i never knew needed to be translated

... only recently realised that when someone was ranting they weren't necessarily asking me to provide solutions to the problem(s) they were ranting about, sometimes they just wanted to talk at someone. this still confuses me ...

1) all kinds of reasons. Often to protect someone's feelings. Often to avoid sounding crude, or rude. Often to save time (to convey stuff between the lines instead of spelling everything else on the lines), often to talk to one person and to hide stuff from someone else (deliberate code), and a zillion other reasons.

2)Its all context based.

One type of "code" is sarcasm. One of the zillions of kinds. So we will take that one kind-sarcasm- as an example. If a rock star gets sued for divorce by his supermodel wife, and the lawsuit includes charges of "infidelity", you might hear someone comment "WHAT? A rock star commit adultery? Never!" . Since the stereotypical rock star is commonly supposed to get women throwing themselves at him on the road in droves -that comment sounds absurd-so the absurdity of the comment is a tip-off that its a put-on.

3) Of course you do. Probably most of the time. Technical manuals do not feature much in the way of double meanings.