New and Overwhelmed

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Hi. About four years ago I was treated for an eating disorder and both my therapist (who happened to have asperger's herself) and psychiatrist told me that they believed that I likely had asperger's. At the time I was very ignorant and obstinate and I insisted that my lack of social skills and various quirks were merely symptoms of past traumas and a prolonged eating disorder and I refused to even look at a list of the symptoms to see if I could relate.

Needless to say, after four years and countless more uncomfortable experiences, I'm finally doing my research and with each book that I pour through, I feel like I am reading autobiographies of my own life.

I've always been very different and I've never really had a friend. I've been told numerous times over the years that I am aloof. In kindergarten, my teacher wanted to hold me back because I never played with other kids. In 4th grade, I studied how girls gave other girls hugs until I built up the courage to give my first (very awkward) hug to a girl I barely knew. At 15, I realized that my lack of eye contact was weird and I studied how other people did it until I started making way too intense eye contact with everyone. Now, at 25, I pour over Youtube Vlogs while studying their social interactions with the hope that I can emulate how other people my age interact with each other. I've always been told that I'm extremely bright in academics and I've always had very intense interests that dominate my conversations. I'm also extremely sensitive to a number of specific noises, smells, and touches that make it hard for me to do things like go down the detergent aisles at the grocery store or get a haircut.

I am undecided on whether or not to seek out an official diagnosis when, in many ways, I feel like I already received one four years ago despite my complete denial at the time. Mostly, however, I feel overwhelmed with the vast amount of information to take in and I feel like I am discovering a whole new world that I've somehow been in my whole life without even knowing that I'm in it.

First of all welcome to WrongPlanet, second off I'll be your friend (if you like), & third of all if you have social problems like me & other people too....I have a link to website you could try. I'm sorry if my comment wasn't helpful but I wish you the best of luck.

Link: http://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/ ... -aspergers

Well, you used the word obstinate in your first paragraph. In our modern, know-nothing, celebrate ignorance culture that alone might be enough for a diagnosis, since it's well outside mainstream conversation words.

I suggest you browse the forums and make a few posts on topics that interest you and you're bound to meet people with similar interests here. Just realize a lot of us are INTJ personalities, so you'll find as much argumentation here as you will regular forum conversations.

Thank you! I have a folder of websites bookmarked that I need to read through. I feel like there is so much I want to learn and, yes, better social skills is definitely on the list. I will check it out.

Aristophanes- Good to hear I'm in the right place! I am an INTJ myself and I love arguments.

You'll soon realize that 'autism' is in a sense just a label, there are a wide variety of autistic 'types' that are represented here. When I first read your third paragraph I recognized you right off the bat, because you're the same 'type' as I am. Let me ask you if any of this sounds familiar:

intellectually curious, driven to find patterns in new interests, good memory with said interests, can't put a problem aside until solved, can interact with people (faking normal) but prefers observing in group situations, gets agitated or stressed in large groups or social events that last too long, occasionally thinks others are crazy for not seeing obvious patterns or not accepting hard evidence, can talk for hours about current special interest but no clue what to do when someone asks you about yourself or your feelings, repeated failures leave you cautious about interaction with other people, relatively few problems with the academics at school but major problems interacting with people at school aside from teachers who seem to like you since they realize you're the only student that gives two s**ts about the assignment.

That's me in a nutshell (at your age at least). If any of that sounds familiar you're what I call the pattern junkie, and pattern junkies are a rare type of autistic. I could be totally off base, but your writing style and observation habits lead me to that conclusion.

Aristophanes- This was the most fascinating thing I've ever read. That is exactly me. I have an extremely good memory for things related to my interests and I can recite facts and obsess over them for hours. I've become very good over the years at faking normal until someone asks me something about how I feel or a situation comes up that I know little about. This was a major issue during my eating disorder treatment because I could talk about eating disorders non-stop (weirdly enough, eating disorders were actually a special interest and I often knew more about them than the therapists) but I couldn't properly complete any assignments related to my feelings without intellectualizing them and I had uncharacteristic shut downs when intense issues came up that I had no pre-conceived notion of how to handle.

Because I've worked as a personal trainer for the past few years, I've become very good at managing one-on-one conversations. In groups, however, I get very overwhelmed about managing multiple interactions and I often just sit silently and watch. I was always the teacher's pet and I always excelled at school apart from the socializing aspect. To this day, I find it easier to talk to people over the age of 50 and I find it a struggle to understand the thoughts of people my own age.

I cannot believe you were so spot on from just one paragraph. I apparently have a lot to learn. Thank you so much for your responses! I am completely fascinated and so glad you shared your own similar experience!

Oh yeah, when I was younger I did better with adults than people my own age. I think it's because older adults have the patience to actually listen, or at least give the appearance of actually listening.

Anyhow I believe it's safe to say you've found some answers, at the very least you've confirmed your initial therapist's diagnosis. Realize that as exciting as it is to learn all these new things about yourself there's also going to be a point in the near future where that crashes and you realize autism isn't curable, the social deficits and sensory issues you have will persist your entire life and it will be depressing. You will overcome that depression and learn to accept it, hopefully learning how to accentuate the rare skills your form of autism grants while also minimizing the deficits it creates. That process is hard work, not the physically hard work you put in the gym, rather the hard work of inner reflection which may be something you're not accustomed to. I hate when people tell me exactly what to do or what will happen, as I just did here, but it's a very common path that people with late diagnosis (post teenager) tend to walk and I only bring it up so you're prepared.

It's been fun connecting, but there's an entire forum here for you to explore. I suggest you find some topics here and engage with the members, you'll find a lot of people dealing with the same issues as you and it'll probably be the first time you run into a social group that just understands you. Good luck.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!