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leiselmum
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16 Jul 2017, 12:51 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
My son is also 20 and one of the social Aspies. But here is the thing: he was ALWAYS social. The difference for him was to learn to do it appropriately so that he would get the results he wanted, something that eluded him for many years. He engaged in his social skills classes because he wanted the result: more effective social interaction.

What you see with your daughter may be more of a personality difference than an ASD issue. As I know from raising my son, there is not and never will be any getting him to do things he does not want to do. The only way is to sell him on the benefits. If he sees none, and doesn't feel inclined, he probably will never take the action. If I can find the right sales pitch, he will be all in. Getting to the right sales pitch requires knowing what he wants and what his goals are. Sometimes there is no sales pitch to be had, and I have to agree with him that whatever it is just is not that important (raising an ASD child will certainly challenge your assumptions on priorities and social constructs!).

I am wondering if it might be helpful for you to write up some questions for your daughter related to the process and your concerns, and then allow her to answer them in writing. I know that many members on this site are much more comfortable expressing themselves in writing than in conversation. I would suggest questions to find out how she feels about the class and its goals, what her level of interest in social exchange is, and what her hopes for her own future are (to the extent you do not already know these things, anyway). It is difficult to help someone if they aren't allowing you inside their thought process enough for you to know how they feel and what they want, so you need a way to access more of that information. Once you have it, you should have a better feel for what to do about this class.

Good luck.


PS - It is also possible that she wants to learn the skills, but something about this particular class is uncomfortable for her. That is another question you could ask. My son dropped out of one social skills group he was put in for a long list of seemingly minor reasons, but they were important to him. You have to take any such concerns seriously.


Hi DW_a_mom I found your response helpful and relatable. I often ask my daughter if I am trying to really understand something about her to write as a story on her ipad. She talks at home, but not about thoughts or feelings. The 'sales pitch' I have done many many times, she wants a boyfriend, she wants to be married someday, she wants a job. I've spoke with her and said these things dont jump in your lap, often times we have to make the step ever so small today and build but very gently to get what we want in the future, simply starting with hello, but I know its not that simple to. Thanks for your support.



CharityGoodyGrace
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16 Jul 2017, 10:08 am

She needs to know she can be herself and still be liked. She's scared amongst people with whom she doesn't know how they'll react. I'm like that still sometimes. She may need meds at first (antidepressants like Celexa that took away my social anxiety). She needs perhaps CBT for social anxiety. She may need someone to talk to about her anxiety and/or someone to reassure her she shouldn't be anxious.

Don't make her anxious, first of all. Tell her even if she "screws up" you're totally behind her and she'll have a fun funny story to tell you all later. ENCOURAGE, don't force, her to try. Force her by encouraging. And the social skills group may be too basic or too advanced for her.



nineinchnailsfan93
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16 Jul 2017, 6:21 pm

Shes probably sensetive to the criticism she got from that woman because she probably criticise her self quite often. Im kind of the same way, i dont like talking to people all that much unless if its some one i feel comfortable with, i tend to have low self esteem, and i dont like it if some one makes guestures to me like that. She cant really use the tools she has learned in order to socialize if she cant even be confortable with her own skin. She also needs to be more independent by having her stand up for her self and be less supervised by the parents. Because mommy and daddy wont be around for ever, and the sooner she realizes that and also realize that she can be more social with others with what she learned so far the better off shell be. Interacting with people is a learning experience and she may see certain things with people she doesnt like. But DONT force her into socializing, other wise she will regress back into a hermit even more and become defiant, but rather encourage her to be her self and just tell her to tell people like that woman who looked at her funny that shes just trying to be nice and say " Look i may come off as strange, but you know what? Im a good person and i have the right to be myself! And if you dont like it, tough s**t!"

Hopefully this will help you get your daughter to go through what ever shes dealing with. As an aspie myself, i know how she feels.



ASDMommyASDKid
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16 Jul 2017, 7:53 pm

leiselmum wrote:

Thankyou ASDMommyASDKid I get overwhelmed myself in knowing how to respond and be at point in responding.

I'll give it a go though. I was most feeling this woman had the wrong approach and that she has a limited knowledge of the types of people on the spectrum. Her son is social my daughter is not.

I think she can be damaging, so I think I will keep going to monitor as this is a valued night for my daughter. I am at the stage of not sitting on the same table as her, she enjoys the board games and pizza and I play yatzee with that woman.

I wanted her to have base line social skills to have at least a small chance of 8hours per week of a paid job. She wants that to. She is no longer in a social skills course. She is really liking 'mindfulness' patting a Shetland pony.

Thanks for your support.


You know, I am probably very slow on the uptake, but this woman is using this social group as a way to drum up business for her (unprofessional) AS consulting business, isn't she? Given that, I think it is going to be really easy to dismiss what she says because it is clearly self-serving. Everything you have said in this post and your other ones regarding her consulting nonsense tells me she is inept and has to resort to unethical tactics to drum up business.

I think you are doing the right thing, shielding your daughter from her. If your daughter enjoys the pizza parties, by all means let have her take advantage of them, while you run interference with this woman.

Your daughter hopefully will gain experience and confidence without this woman undermining her confidence in order to make her (and you) feel bad. It is kind of like if you have ever had a (new) hairdresser criticize your (perfectly fine) hair in order to try to make you feel insecure and make you think s/he is the expert to get you as a repeat customer.

I think your instincts are good and you know your daughter's nature better than this woman who clearly does not even understand the very basic principle of autism that if you have met one person with autism, you have met one person with autism. The fact that she thinks her son is the gold standard data point and can't deal with any different variants, is a marker of ineptitude, IMO.



DW_a_mom
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17 Jul 2017, 12:47 pm

I appreciated you following up with us. I agree with ASDMommy that your instincts sound good. Follow them. I know it is a very intense process trying to help your child, but I wish you the best in helping you both get the results for her that you want. It is, unfortunately, more difficult to access good services at her age but I have seen a lot of improvements in that area, too. I wish I had something more specific at this time, but I think a lot has already been said.


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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


leiselmum
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21 Jul 2017, 7:55 pm

CharityGoodyGrace wrote:
She needs to know she can be herself and still be liked. She's scared amongst people with whom she doesn't know how they'll react. I'm like that still sometimes. She may need meds at first (antidepressants like Celexa that took away my social anxiety). She needs perhaps CBT for social anxiety. She may need someone to talk to about her anxiety and/or someone to reassure her she shouldn't be anxious.

Don't make her anxious, first of all. Tell her even if she "screws up" you're totally behind her and she'll have a fun funny story to tell you all later. ENCOURAGE, don't force, her to try. Force her by encouraging. And the social skills group may be too basic or too advanced for her.


I really like this thankyou so much, it is very securing knowing some relatedness. Feeling better at supporting my daughter.



leiselmum
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21 Jul 2017, 8:04 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
leiselmum wrote:

Thankyou ASDMommyASDKid I get overwhelmed myself in knowing how to respond and be at point in responding.

I'll give it a go though. I was most feeling this woman had the wrong approach and that she has a limited knowledge of the types of people on the spectrum. Her son is social my daughter is not.

I think she can be damaging, so I think I will keep going to monitor as this is a valued night for my daughter. I am at the stage of not sitting on the same table as her, she enjoys the board games and pizza and I play yatzee with that woman.

I wanted her to have base line social skills to have at least a small chance of 8hours per week of a paid job. She wants that to. She is no longer in a social skills course. She is really liking 'mindfulness' patting a Shetland pony.

Thanks for your support.


You know, I am probably very slow on the uptake, but this woman is using this social group as a way to drum up business for her (unprofessional) AS consulting business, isn't she? Given that, I think it is going to be really easy to dismiss what she says because it is clearly self-serving. Everything you have said in this post and your other ones regarding her consulting nonsense tells me she is inept and has to resort to unethical tactics to drum up business.

I think you are doing the right thing, shielding your daughter from her. If your daughter enjoys the pizza parties, by all means let have her take advantage of them, while you run interference with this woman.

Your daughter hopefully will gain experience and confidence without this woman undermining her confidence in order to make her (and you) feel bad. It is kind of like if you have ever had a (new) hairdresser criticize your (perfectly fine) hair in order to try to make you feel insecure and make you think s/he is the expert to get you as a repeat customer.

I think your instincts are good and you know your daughter's nature better than this woman who clearly does not even understand the very basic principle of autism that if you have met one person with autism, you have met one person with autism. The fact that she thinks her son is the gold standard data point and can't deal with any different variants, is a marker of ineptitude, IMO.


Feeling supported and grateful for this response thankyou so much. Just because dealing with her is a feeling of conflict doesnt mean we are wrong.



leiselmum
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21 Jul 2017, 8:05 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
I appreciated you following up with us. I agree with ASDMommy that your instincts sound good. Follow them. I know it is a very intense process trying to help your child, but I wish you the best in helping you both get the results for her that you want. It is, unfortunately, more difficult to access good services at her age but I have seen a lot of improvements in that area, too. I wish I had something more specific at this time, but I think a lot has already been said.


Thankyou I appreciate your advice.



carpenter_bee
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02 Aug 2017, 1:23 pm

At your daughter's age, I was at the height of what I then figured was social anxiety. (I now know that most likely I'm not only an undiagnosed Aspie but also just very introverted. I'm happiest when I'm one-on-one, or alone.) It's very frustrating to be around people who have very narrow definitions of "social" and/or get all uptight if they feel you are "doing it wrong" (not being social in an amount or manner that fits their definition of social). I've also found that way too many people mistakenly think that being more social will necessarily lead to greater happiness and personal fulfillment. And that those of us who prefer solitude or small groups are simply "shy" or need to be drawn out for our own good. NO. And yet for decades I loathed myself and felt like I was broken and unfixable because I was unable to feel happy forcing myself to be social like "everyone else". I wish know that I had trusted my instincts about what makes ME happy. Note that this is VERY different from people who struggle socially but DO want to be more social, only they don't know how. For me, I really didn't want to go to parties or whatever. My issue was in having the confidence to say "no thanks, I'm happy to stay home," and not worry that I would lose my friends by doing something different.

Anyway, my point is pretty much what all the other helpful people here have been saying, which is that your instincts seem good and that you know your daughter best. She doesn't need to fit anyone else's definition of the Right Amount or Type of social interaction for her own happiness. It sounds like she is doing a pretty good job of dipping her foot in the right amount for what she wants and enjoys. I think a lot of those people (like the annoying woman) completely fail to understand that for many Aspies, a lot of our learning is through observation. A LOT of observation. It's a process. It's great that you are giving her the opportunity and support to do so, and that you are also wary of those who are critical of her process of finding out what she's comfortable with.