Should I give up on making female friends?

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Summer_Twilight
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17 Jul 2017, 6:53 pm

Good luck to you then.



Marknis
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17 Jul 2017, 7:23 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Good luck to you then.


Were you expecting me to just take it? No, I will not let anyone invalidate my struggles.



boofle
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17 Jul 2017, 7:38 pm

Marknis wrote:
When I talk about rednecks, I am not talking about farmers and hard working people. I am talking about a group of people who are lazy, are racist as well as sexist and homophobic, refuse to adapt to the 21st century, and think jingoism and xenophobia are the same as patriotism. These people think if you "ain't wyte or Chrishun", you are either "weeurd" at best or a "devuhl wurshippur" at worst. They would also call me "fa***t" at school and tell me I was never going to "get laid". The women also think if a man is not a "Chrishun", you are a serial killer.


i'm thinking Deliverance, as i read that ^^^ 8O

what are the chances of you leaving the area, OP?

i don't know much about you so forgive me if that question is dense.

ETA: i didn't get the feeling that anyone was invalidating your struggles but it is certainly coming across as none of the suggestions being made are viable for you, hence my Q about moving out of the area (so that you can head into more enlightened parts)



Marknis
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17 Jul 2017, 10:08 pm

boofle wrote:
Marknis wrote:
When I talk about rednecks, I am not talking about farmers and hard working people. I am talking about a group of people who are lazy, are racist as well as sexist and homophobic, refuse to adapt to the 21st century, and think jingoism and xenophobia are the same as patriotism. These people think if you "ain't wyte or Chrishun", you are either "weeurd" at best or a "devuhl wurshippur" at worst. They would also call me "fa***t" at school and tell me I was never going to "get laid". The women also think if a man is not a "Chrishun", you are a serial killer.


i'm thinking Deliverance, as i read that ^^^ 8O

what are the chances of you leaving the area, OP?

i don't know much about you so forgive me if that question is dense.

ETA: i didn't get the feeling that anyone was invalidating your struggles but it is certainly coming across as none of the suggestions being made are viable for you, hence my Q about moving out of the area (so that you can head into more enlightened parts)


You aren't mistaken. Many of the people in my culture look like they walked out of that story.

I have too many obstacles in regards to getting out. I have a small social network, I don't have a college degree, I am lacking in funds, my only other source of income besides my job is being withheld by my mother, and I suffer from anxiety issues.

What they (the people giving suggestions) aren't getting is that I've done a lot of the things people usually do to expand their social life but I keep getting dead ends.



boofle
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18 Jul 2017, 12:33 pm

Marknis wrote:
You aren't mistaken. Many of the people in my culture look like they walked out of that story.

I have too many obstacles in regards to getting out. I have a small social network, I don't have a college degree, I am lacking in funds, my only other source of income besides my job is being withheld by my mother, and I suffer from anxiety issues.

What they (the people giving suggestions) aren't getting is that I've done a lot of the things people usually do to expand their social life but I keep getting dead ends.


mmm...i feel as tho i better understand your situation and to borrow a phrase, it sounds as tho you are in a dilly of a pickle.
i realised the thread over in L&D was you and after re-reading that, i can see that your focus is a GF and you are doubly frustrated because you don't see any avenues by which you may get one...presumably THIS thread is asking how to make female friends in order for you to find someone you may like romantically?

better people than me have already made suggestions and i must admit, given your circs, i'm not sure i have much of a clue on what to suggest either.

if this were me, i would set up an 18+ group for ASD and attempt to widen my social circle that way...you can't be the only one in your area? 8O ...there may well be people out there equally as frustrated as you that would love a group they can join?
the more people you meet thru your own group, the better your chances at a social life/extending your network, and eventually, possibly, meeting someone special to you.

i do feel that you are expending that much energy on trying to get a GF that you are overlooking/not as interested in growing other areas that would be equally beneficial to you (growing a social circle of your own) but, i may be way off-base there. dunno.



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18 Jul 2017, 12:39 pm

Marknis wrote:
The problem I have is that there are no clubs that cater to my interests in my area. I live in the Bible Belt and it's full of people who just want to smoke, drink, watch football, drive dangerously, go to church but not really live like Christ, and blast pop country music.


Well you cannot be the only one in the bible belt who does not fit in with that, you have to try and seek out people who don't fit that stereotype so much and also feel out of place. Not saying that would be easy but its impossible that you're the only one in the bible belt who doesn't fit in. But if you really cannot find anyone at all you get on with...then the only option would be to move out of the bible belt and try and get a place on your own or with room-mates though you'd likely need to make some money and save up for a while.

Also though I don't really see what is wrong with drinking, you can do it in moderation...so unless you have a very specific reason it may not hurt to be open to having a beer or two in a social setting. But it is really up to you, smoking if you mean cigarettes is certainly not a very good habit it is just as hard to quit as people say so best just not to start.


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SpreadsheetMaster
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18 Jul 2017, 1:33 pm

Speaking as someone who used to have crippling depression and would tell strangers I was suicidal... People really can't handle being around someone who's constantly negative. You have to learn to keep that to yourself, at least to some extent. You certainly may have good reasons for it, but that doesn't change the fact that it will make people not want to be around you. You won't have much success if you don't work on that.



Marknis
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18 Jul 2017, 5:14 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
The problem I have is that there are no clubs that cater to my interests in my area. I live in the Bible Belt and it's full of people who just want to smoke, drink, watch football, drive dangerously, go to church but not really live like Christ, and blast pop country music.


Well you cannot be the only one in the bible belt who does not fit in with that, you have to try and seek out people who don't fit that stereotype so much and also feel out of place. Not saying that would be easy but its impossible that you're the only one in the bible belt who doesn't fit in. But if you really cannot find anyone at all you get on with...then the only option would be to move out of the bible belt and try and get a place on your own or with room-mates though you'd likely need to make some money and save up for a while.

Also though I don't really see what is wrong with drinking, you can do it in moderation...so unless you have a very specific reason it may not hurt to be open to having a beer or two in a social setting. But it is really up to you, smoking if you mean cigarettes is certainly not a very good habit it is just as hard to quit as people say so best just not to start.


I don't like beer and it's not so much drinking I have a problem with but the redneck drinking culture. You can't just drink one beer, you have to drink six or you are a "p****". They also call anything with a flavor a "b***h drink". It's an extremely vulgar and disgusting cultural practice. They also smoke until their nostrils burn and only want to play country music. When they get drunk, they'll revert to an instinctual level and act aggressively. The only bar I can handle being in is one about 30 or so minutes from me because it's a non-redneck hangout due to it having video games but I don't get to socialize much in it because people are either too busy playing the games or watching TV or interacting with their company.

I've been inside the redneck bars so I know what they're like. I even went to a pseudo-Irish pub on Halloween against my better judgement. I was expecting something more special, especially because of the Irish theme, but there was no live music and only just one other customer besides myself in there. The other customer was talking to the female bartender and had deer make up on her face. Neither of them really wanted to talk to me no matter how hard I tried to strike something up. Some guy came in and he shouted "Hey, Hodges!" at me so I deduced he knew me from high school but I didn't recognize him. He ordered shot glasses for everyone and the deer make up girl had a hard time swallowing her's which the other people laughed at her for. She responded with, "I am a lesbian so I can't swallow." :roll: Another guy joined in (He worked in the back) and said "Cows don't make milk for their babies! They make milk for me!" to which the female bartender told him "Quit being a vagina!" I had all about I could take and walked out.

boofle wrote:
Marknis wrote:
You aren't mistaken. Many of the people in my culture look like they walked out of that story.

I have too many obstacles in regards to getting out. I have a small social network, I don't have a college degree, I am lacking in funds, my only other source of income besides my job is being withheld by my mother, and I suffer from anxiety issues.

What they (the people giving suggestions) aren't getting is that I've done a lot of the things people usually do to expand their social life but I keep getting dead ends.


mmm...i feel as tho i better understand your situation and to borrow a phrase, it sounds as tho you are in a dilly of a pickle.
i realised the thread over in L&D was you and after re-reading that, i can see that your focus is a GF and you are doubly frustrated because you don't see any avenues by which you may get one...presumably THIS thread is asking how to make female friends in order for you to find someone you may like romantically?

better people than me have already made suggestions and i must admit, given your circs, i'm not sure i have much of a clue on what to suggest either.

if this were me, i would set up an 18+ group for ASD and attempt to widen my social circle that way...you can't be the only one in your area? 8O ...there may well be people out there equally as frustrated as you that would love a group they can join?
the more people you meet thru your own group, the better your chances at a social life/extending your network, and eventually, possibly, meeting someone special to you.

i do feel that you are expending that much energy on trying to get a GF that you are overlooking/not as interested in growing other areas that would be equally beneficial to you (growing a social circle of your own) but, i may be way off-base there. dunno.


I've actually been a part of a support group for people with Aspergers since 2006. I did make some friends out of it but many of them I grew apart from and the newer people I don't really interact with since they are on the lower end of the spectrum and are difficult to talk to.
Even in the support group there is drama and divisions.



Marknis
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21 Jul 2017, 12:16 pm

SpreadsheetMaster wrote:
Speaking as someone who used to have crippling depression and would tell strangers I was suicidal... People really can't handle being around someone who's constantly negative. You have to learn to keep that to yourself, at least to some extent. You certainly may have good reasons for it, but that doesn't change the fact that it will make people not want to be around you. You won't have much success if you don't work on that.


I don't go spilling my negative feelings off the bat. It only comes up when people ask me certain questions and then they go "Yew need ta git right wit Gawd!" or something else that's very stupid. I also live in the most mentally unstable and backwards culture on the planet. And contrary to what some posters think (They seem to be skimming my posts instead of actually reading them), I have done things like meetup.com and going to social places. It's just that I keep getting dead ends and it gets frustrating.



jrjones9933
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21 Jul 2017, 12:52 pm

Giving up in a particular way may work. I don't mean making some grand declaration of Giving Up Forever, but something a little more complicated and challenging. Give up on what you think you know.

Give up on your goals, which you have based on the information you have collected so far. I don't mean give up on having goals, but let go of your current set.

I would also suggest using the Not Interested feature on YouTube. I watched some suggested videos here from posters whom I respect, but YouTube took that interest and got entirely the wrong idea. I clicked on about a dozen little vertical ellipses menu icons, and I hope that will be enough to make it stop putting madness in my suggestions.

Speaking as someone who over-thinks things a lot, you're over-thinking it. Interacting with people can only get easier if you don't expect any particular benefit from interacting with them, but just do so for its own sake.


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Marknis
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21 Jul 2017, 2:48 pm

What does YouTube have to do with this?

Can you really blame me for overthinking, though? I am at the age where I should have atleast a solid friendship circle and atleast a long term girlfriend but instead I have a shaky social network and I don't know how to get into the dating scene. It's like my invitation to the social scene got lost in the mail.



jrjones9933
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21 Jul 2017, 3:00 pm

Everything.

No blame. A suggestion from experience. It does seem notable that you reply by adopting that defensive posture and talking about disappointed expectations. For me, that confirms the advice might help, even as it suggests that you won't try it.


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Marknis
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21 Jul 2017, 3:09 pm

I HAVE tried it. I have attended meet up events, I even attended a bible study because my family would not leave me alone about it until I told them after a couple of months being there that I did not fit in because the guys only wanted to talk about sports and none of the women shared any common interests with me, I tried dating sites, I attended speed dating events, I've been to music shows, and even called a dating service but got rejected because I only work part time. Why is everyone missing this?

I've also been looked down upon and mocked for my lack of friendships and a girlfriend.



jrjones9933
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21 Jul 2017, 3:33 pm

I don't intend to argue. Come back later and reread what I wrote. I have done this with your posts, and I didn't dispute any of what you just wrote.


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Marknis
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22 Jul 2017, 12:08 am

jrjones9933 wrote:
Giving up in a particular way may work. I don't mean making some grand declaration of Giving Up Forever, but something a little more complicated and challenging. Give up on what you think you know.

Give up on your goals, which you have based on the information you have collected so far. I don't mean give up on having goals, but let go of your current set.

I would also suggest using the Not Interested feature on YouTube. I watched some suggested videos here from posters whom I respect, but YouTube took that interest and got entirely the wrong idea. I clicked on about a dozen little vertical ellipses menu icons, and I hope that will be enough to make it stop putting madness in my suggestions.

Speaking as someone who over-thinks things a lot, you're over-thinking it. Interacting with people can only get easier if you don't expect any particular benefit from interacting with them, but just do so for its own sake.


Do you mean that girls don't want to be my friend?

I don't really have any goals because I've had so many hopes and dreams destroyed.

Just what did you want to avoid?

I literally can't stop thinking about my lack of friends and a girlfriend.



jrjones9933
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22 Jul 2017, 10:06 am

That could cause problems. I accept that what I propose seems difficult. Have you tried meditation? A fairly small investment of my time in that practice made a big difference for me.

It seems like girls can't become your friend at this time. It will require doing a bit of work to change yourself to change that. You can choose to spend your energy defending your good reasons for feeling the way that you do, or you can use that energy to try something new.

The signals you send people probably operate below the conscious level. Working through some of your repeated self-negating thought patterns will remove some big obstacles to making friends.


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