Hi I am newly diagnosed High Functioning Aspergers

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My name is Leon I am 41 and from the UK. I have been struggling for ages to find out why I have felt on a different wavelength to others and find social situations so hard and why that makes me prone to depression and really bad anxiety. A few chats about my history and symptoms with the Local Mental Health Recovery Service has bought to light they feel I am High Functioning Asperger's.

Anyway here is a list I wrote, if anyone has the time to read it and it resonates or shouts ASD traits, it would be interesting for me as I am new to this diagnoses. I thought i had Avoidant Personality Dissorder (self diagnoses never good idea lol), but HFA makes sense too.

Feel like trapped in ‘prison of self’ a lot. Kicked in when about 16 as when younger could be okay but when 16 everyone seemed to mature but I still felt like a kid. Don’t want to be but just could never be as outgoing as others, always feel like not fit in or on wrong wavelength or say wrong things as felt pressure and stressed. Hard to read the social rhythm etc and I just sometimes sit there feeling lost and uncomfortable, irritated and bored. Don’t understand how people can sit round a table so easily taking about nothing and ust seem to enjoy it when I cannot. Others said I would ‘go into one’ which I would, like arguments or rants. Others always said I was naïve or on a different wavelength which is how I felt. Started badly during puberty time and got worse as got older. Feel like I didn’t grow up like others did. Getting kicked out of main social group at 16 after school and then getting kicked out of home at 16 did not help.

Difficult birth, umbilical chord wrapped round neck and in incubator. Not breast fed.
Clumsy with food and often my parents said it ended up in ears and up nose as I used to sniff my food - and everything else – a lot.

Obsessed with sniffing things my body, objects and food.
Squinting a lot.

Playing ‘eye games’ blinking, moving objects around straining corner vison to see black dots etc.
Clumsy.

Very sensitive to woolly or itchy textures. Now have to wear loose trousers, cannot wear tight jeans or trousers as feel exposed and tense even though in okay shape, I prefer the material to be heavy not light materials and feel more comfortable in light blue jeans and not dark ones, as this makes me tense. Feel more relaxed if I sleep in jeans and can now only get to sleep if wear jeans and have done for two decades.

Stomach aches a lot as kid.

Lack of appetite when child and parents tried force feeding me.

Played with food a lot and ate it in unusual ways not straightforward.

Never like physical contact as a child or adolescent.

Not like shows of emotion, felt embarrassed, not understand, would pull away. Parents wondered what was wrong with me and thought I did not love them. I explained that of course I did as they were my family, thus it was logical, but just didn’t like kissing and hugging etc.

Not make shows of emotion either, parents wondered what was wrong with me, did not like hugging, kissing, hand holding etc. Could not tell my Mother I loved her until I was in my late twenties.

When I used to write Christmas and birthday cards to people I struggled and felt weird about writing the ‘love from ________’ part at the end and never knew why, just felt embarrassed and nervous. I can do this now.

Lack of confidence asking adult relatives etc for treats I wanted, would try to get brother and sister to do it instead.
Did not like nursery school as there were much bigger kids and I thought they were too rough but cannot even remember it.

Did not like infants school much, scared of older and bigger kids.

Spitting compulsively and making certain sounds repeatedly. Liked walking on same types of paving slabs and not others.

Narrow focus.

Eyes cross when reading or have to close right eye.

Liked smoothing clothes down a certain way.

Bullied as not as big outgoing.

Liked limited social group of one or two friends only, not understand need for more and got ‘lost’ in larger groups.

Poor balance.

Messy eater always sniffed my food and Mum said it would get in my nose and ears when I was a toddler.
Poor muscle tone and hyper mobile elbows.

Not like loud noisy environments.

Not good at PE, did not make sense to me and not able to do same things as others or develop skills at same age, only later a bit delayed.

Left eye dominant , right foot, left hand.

Very poor at maths. Get headaches and stressed. Used to mainly copy friend’s work.

Badly organised.

Easily bored and get frustrated easily if bored.

Daydreamed a lot and play games in head, reversing lyrics of songs, words etc.

Class clown, acting anti social.

Always asked by teachers and some peers why never smiled and / or looked sad but I just thought it was normal and I thought I felt okay and why were they being so nosey.

Not able to talk to girls, painfully shy and would burn up. Could only talk to other males.

Fidgity in school not like sit still.

Lose things a lot, untidy.

Often late.

Impulsive.

Changed jobs a lot.

Had compulsive gambling and drug use since early teens and extreme sexual urges in twenties.

Rolling eyes and not like listening to adults. Would argue with them very easily in classs, at home, outside of home etc and not think / understand that it could get me in trouble, had no forethought.

Bad judgement and no goals when young. When older often unrealistic and poorly thought through.

As got older bullied and not develop / grow up same as friends / peers. Especially when come to teen years and girls and then after school, didn’t ‘get’ what was supposed to do, ie get job, move out, get gf etc. People commented I seemed lost. During this time very anti social, rash, used to get told I would ‘go into one’ and would argue too much with everyone even friends but did not really realise it was a bad thing, just did not get it and that it could ruin relationships. Never saw bigger picture. I thought as we were friends logically we would stay friends and as we were friends of course we could argue about things like music etc and did not understand why anyone would take it personally.

Not good social skills at junior or senior school and sometimes to impress friends displayed shocking lack of empathy for others, joining in bullying etc even though I was bullied a lot too by own social group. Often treated like idiot.
People would wind me up or say things as they knew that I would take them literally. Didnlt understand why people did ‘wind ups’ or what the point was.

Even now I understand people play mind games but I do not, never have and don’t see the point in it, why not just be yourself and be literal?

Played on periphery a lot and as as entered teens became follower.

Often in own small world.

Sticking to same jokes or games etc, often when others moved on from them. One track minded.

Not great social etiquette until older. Even then either bored or not understand big picture so would go off into other activities, drinking, smoking, gambling and preferred to be with others like that. Impatient in social situations and not feel relaxed from about 16 onwards, then anxiety also.

Easily impatient. Show offence, annoyance etc, in ways like facial expressions and muttering under my breath, especially get annoyed if someone saying something obvious. When was ESL teacher in Korea often people complained I would mutter about the kids under my breath during classes, couldn’t hold back frustrations.

Boundary Issues.

Most signs for Oppositional Defiance Dissorder.

Understand big conceptual ideas about art, physics, literature, sociology, philosophy etc but not much common sense or people sense.

Kicked out of home at 16, job to job, housing to housing, until prison.

Depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts.

Chronic insomnia.

Unrealistic plans and goals as could only see big picture aim but not the real steps of how to go about it.

Poorly planned and thought out life. Episodic.

Although much more peaceful as got older up until 2013 would still sometimes get in bar fights and ended up in Korean police cell and also same in China for getting in fights that could have been avoided. When worked in bookies in 2014 often had a go at people and even challenged some to fights due to atmosphere and tension.

As adult often felt uncomfortable in shared housing, worried other people noticed how difficult I find social world, get very annoyed if they are noisy or disrupt my sleep, feel self conscious if they are together and I am in own room. Last shared house back when had social group they said it often felt like I wasn’t even there. Last year at university ended up being asked to move out as upset others due to behaviour and strong opinions even though I didn’t really get why and was shocked.

Spent from 2005 to 2013 in Asia where have had my own living spaces, studio apartments etc. Got very used to it. When moved to London in shared flat in 2016 had hard time could not make friends and felt nervous and anxious and impatient and unsettled when tried and also felt on edge sometimes in shared quarters.

Often feel I have nothing to say or contribute still after all these years to most 'normal people' only others who have same interests and I have this feeling that others can sense it and judge me and think I am vacant but really I’m not, it’s just I find it difficult to talk about everyday things as it’s so boring. Have nothing much to talk about and mostly passive as no hobbies or common interests that most men my age have like talking about etc. I've even tried making myself like soccer and choosing a team so I can try to fit in with them.

In my adult life this awkward feeling lead to me just drinking myself numb in gatherings in the past and often acting stupid or leaving and going to casinos for social interaction instead as would get very enticed by the atmosphere and the games and would find it hard to leave even if wanted to and gambling addiction really kicked in as well as alcohol reliance but I’ve stopped that now as both make me feel awful and unstable.

I get bored very easy and don’t like being alone a lot and crave mental stimulation, often read obsessively even though not really take in what reading, not constructive reading just stimulation.

Don’t like hectic atmosphere and loud noise, makes me nervous although I love big cities and walking in crowds.

Used to hyperfocus on stimulating activities, sex, pool, gambling, photograph and internet forums, often to excess and compulsion, often getting out of bed at early hours of morning to edit posts I’d made and then felt wrong about or had changed my opinion on. Copious coffee and chocolate intake as well as finding cold showers useful. Also lots of exercise but more like addiction. Addictive personality for stimulating activities but luckily not drugs, though I do smoke.

Moderate ammounts of ssri calming, high dose not nice and over stimulating.

No alcohol tolerance and get drunk easily.

Prefer being around very calm people or kids and old people as they are less complex and confusing. I wish everyone was more the same and things more simple than they are.

I get really into new hobbies but then change them after frustration at not achieving perfection or some ultimate goal kicks in.

Well that’s just some of it. The main thing is social, I will feel tense if not with best friends I have known a good while and trust. I feel like on total different wavelength to moist people especially now I'm 41 and have not had the same milestones such as marriage and kids etc or long career. I tend to find others who are also socially awkward or ‘non typical’ in some way and become friends with them, while inside wishing I could join in the normal world but well I find it hard it’s like they are regulated different or understand some sort of secret I do not. I think patience is going to be key to that and is perhaps what they have that I do not that stops me sensing and feeling the ‘normal social rhythms.'

Ultimately I feel maybe understanding all this finally will help me stop caring or trying as much and just focus on being myself and the best me I can be... maybe..

Thanks for reading

Definitely sounds like Aspergers to me. I hope you can find some comfort in your new diagnosis.

Welcome to the Planet!

Oh yeah currently stuck on Quietiapine 150mg for sleep (due to BP diagnoses in 2012 in Shanghai) although I have to admit it works for sleep.

2mg a day Clonazepam, again due to BP diagnoses.

Recently put on 50mg Sertraline / Zoloft. This has bought me out of depression a lot so will give it a good go. Would like to be on less of the quietiapine though as now we think I am and was never bipolar, why would I stay on it...?

Hey ho, psych said we'll discuss it in two months time when we see how the Zoloft is working as recently had deep depression and anxiety due to moving back to parents home where I have not known anyone for donkeys years. Luckily I have met some decent peeps at a couple of local groups for people with MH issues and met two of them outside of the groups and we have become friends, so I'm feeling better than I was.

Peace

Quite possibly the most comprehensive list of Aspie symptoms ever compiled.

Hi.

Is it also an Asperger's trait to not like society in general, find it too confusing and demanding and based on greed and manipulation and all for bugger all reward (while knowing that really you only feel that way due to your inability to find a place in it and 'make it work') and just wish you could live in a prison cell or mental hospital and write all day (my creative outlet) and just have your basic needs met, a couple of people to chat to now and again and maybe help out around the place to earn your keep an one day have a nice well written book or two finished.

Too feel like you still, at 40, have not become an adult yet event though you've worked for the civil service and also taught kids for 10 years in foreign countries?

To watch TV documentaries about tribal peeps in Africa, or Papa New Guinea etc and think 'man that's the way to live, nice and simple and chilled out and still believing in some sort of magic and being part of a connected tribe rather than this consumerist detachment nightmare where you're surrounded by hundreds of people who aren't even connected to each other' and you hope that the tribal people will not take up western culture although ultimately they all do in the end....

To be so bored at times you want to run away and join a utopian society abroad or just fill a bath tub with beer and lie down in it and drink it all and wonder how other people tolerate the boredom without showing their frustration of it like you do- or want to ?

Blah

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome! Yes, I think not liking society is a common AS traits.

Hi! With regards to the "prison of self", for me that was from the way I was treated badly and didn't even realize it, all I knew was that something was wrong and people didn't recognize it. I didn't know how to put my finger on how I was treated badly, let alone know how to explain it to others, let alone know how to deal with the other people. So I was seen as a spoiled autistic brat or just a spoiled brat that was just upset for nothing. NOT TRUE. Lots of love to you. Try to recognize when you're judging yourself.