"I just want you to be happy"

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Noca
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14 Jul 2017, 5:09 pm

Can you work with a pharmacologist to look for meds that you can metabolize? Whether they are conventional medications or not. MAOIs like Nardil or Parnate or Low Dose Naltrexone, or Methylphenidate or Lamictal or even something like Saffron? Doesnt have to be an SSRI.

bunnyb
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14 Jul 2017, 8:15 pm

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm feeling a bit better today. I do have a wonderful Husband. He is amazingly tolerant. I would have dumped my arse years ago.

The med thing is problematic and I would love to be able to find a med I could take but the list of ones I can't have is rather long. The list I've been given includes Amitriptyline, Aripiprazole, Atomoxetine, Buporion, Carbmazepine, Chlorpromazine, Citalopram, Clomipramine, Duloxetine, Escitalopram, Fluoxetine, Fluvoxamine, Haloperidol, Mitrazipine, Moclobemide, Mondafinil, Nortriptyline, Olanzipine, Oxycarbamazepine, Paroxetine, Phenothiszines, Pimozide, Propranolol, Quetiapine, Reboxetine, Respiridone, Sertraline, Thioridazine, Tranylcypromine, Trazadone, Venlafaxine, Ziprasidone, Zolpidem, Zuclopenthixol.
I've not even heard of some of the ones on the list. I've also been told not to try St Johns Wort and as far I can work out, the only psych med that doesn't go through the liver is Lithium but I'm definitely not bipolar. I doubt a Dr would prescribe it or that it would work.
Still, worse things happen at sea or so they say. I just need to keep a better hold of these pesky emotions. Sometimes they get away from me. Must try harder.

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Raleigh
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14 Jul 2017, 8:24 pm

Are you a compulsive thinker?

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bunnyb
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14 Jul 2017, 9:04 pm

Raleigh wrote:

Are you a compulsive thinker?

Yep.

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Chronos
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15 Jul 2017, 2:14 am

bunnyb wrote:

Thanks guys. I just needed to get it out to someone and your right, he knows, but we don't talk about it.
I cant get meds because I have genetic problem that means I can't metabolize the meds. SSRI's are particularly bad as they have a paradoxical effect. Instead of stopping me feeling depressed, they make me frantically suicidal. It's better to just wish I could die than feel a desperate need to make it happen.
Psychologists don't help. They always want me to practise mindfulness and I don't think they understand that having ASD means being mindful of every freaking thing all the freaking time, at least for me.. I want to stop being being mindful and just be numb. Not feel or think about anything. I've also been told I should have trauma therapy but that would mean talking about things I don't want to talk about. I'm sad enough without trawling up all the things they would want to know. I don't believe it would help at all. I've been told writing things down helps. I tried it but it made no positive difference. It just meant I had a 32 page hard copy of everything that was making me sad and seeing it on paper just made it worse and overwhelming.
I used to have a special interest that made life worth living but I lost it two years ago and before anyone suggests finding a new one, my special interests never work that way. I don't look for them, they just happen or they don't. It's not something I have any control over.
If it was just me, I would leave early, today in fact, but my Husband would be sad and he has in the past made me promise not to try at least as long as he is alive. If he dies, I can die too but not before and he says he plans to live until 100 so I'm stuck here. He is the only reason I live. There is no other reason and sometimes I get angry because he is keeping me here. I know it's because he loves me but living hurts and I wish he could understand that letting me go would be a kindness.
I'm just too broken.

It's unfortunate, but often times, when a person is struggling with depression and sees a psychiatrist about it, the psychiatrist fails to do an actual workup and test for medical conditions that could be causing the depression and just prescribes anti-depressants. If you struggle with depression, thyroid problems, hormone problems, and vitamin deficiencies should be ruled out.

IstominFan
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15 Jul 2017, 10:35 am

When somebody says that, I can tell they don't have a clue what would really make a person happy. They can tell you aren't happy with yourself as you are, but enable you to be exactly the same without change. I wouldn't want someone to be nasty to me, but don't just give me the brushoff, either. There is a middle road between treating everything like a nail and just putting someone off. They need to ask, "What can I really do to help you?" and work hard with them to achieve positive change.

kraftiekortie
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16 Jul 2017, 6:34 pm

What part of Australia do you live, Bunny?

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.

Noca
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16 Jul 2017, 8:02 pm

Have you tried ECT or TMS or rTMS?

cberg
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16 Jul 2017, 8:31 pm

Chronos wrote:

bunnyb wrote:

Medical problems are also depressing; I think many antidepressant drug categories represent depression on the part of people choosing to ignore the brain's physicality. There's no describing how I feel today but I'm happy writing here & much better messaging with everyone who understands my choice to drop some risky drugs that made me feel disgusting in seclusion & naturally.

I said no more writing from painful thoughts today because truth be told mine are gone mostly. I'm wordlessly thankful to be alive in the same world as anybody who remembers my many names. :heart:

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bunnyb
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16 Jul 2017, 11:33 pm

Noca wrote:

Have you tried ECT or TMS or rTMS?

Thanks Noca for thinking about this but sadly I'm not eligible for ECT as I had a cerebral infarct just over a year ago and they wouldn't do it because of that. I know the infarct is a big reason in why I'm feeling the way I am. It was a right frontal cortical and subcortical infarct and I wasn't meant to survive, but it seem I'm indestructible. I have lost a fair amount of cognitive ability though. I've lost my synasthesia, photographic memory and ability to do 3d rendering in my head. I also used to be the person people would check how to spell things with but now my spelling is atrocious which is incredibly frustrating. I'm not liking the new me at all.
I looked up the TMS treatment but I have a history of epilepsy and it said it makes a person unsuitable. It's been years since my last seizure but I would have to lie about my history and I find lying really hard.

I'm looking into non-pharma things to see if I can find anything to help. I've started taking L-Tryptophan, L-Tyrosine and Citicoline. Stupidly I started them all at the same time. I should have done them individually so I could assess the effects of each. I've also ordered Lithium Orotate and plan to take it with Taurine because Taurine slows the clearance of Lithium and the Orotate form only comes in a very low dose form compared to the carbonate so I hope the Taurine will help achieve a somewhat therapeutic dose. I've also got some DL-Phenylalanine to try but I need to be more controlled in how I trial things. Getting desperate and just taking handfuls of stuff isn't sensible.

@Kraftie - I'm in Melbourne and it's cold and grey which isn't helping. All I want to do is sit in front of the heater rather than go for a walk which I know would probably be a good thing to do but it's not inviting outside.

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Chronos
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17 Jul 2017, 1:28 am

bunnyb wrote:

Noca wrote:

Have you tried ECT or TMS or rTMS?

Even though you know that the depression is originating from the brain injury, you should still get your thyroid checked and rule out hormone and vitamin deficiencies, because these things also affect the brain, and could be consuming resources that your brain needs to make you feel good, and brain injuries can disrupt the endocrine system.

bunnyb
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17 Jul 2017, 2:34 am

I am hyperthyroid and have been for years. It's not generally a problem so long as I avoid iodine. I have a medic alert necklace to warn Dr's to avoid using contrast or anything with iodine. Contrast is a big problem for me. I learnt that the hard way. It's chock full of iodine. You'd think Dr's would know that :roll: and they wonder why I don't trust them.
I was Vit D deficient but that's sorted now and I've had an iron infusion. Can't say I noticed a difference. I was on HRT before the infarct but can't have it anymore because of it.
I get so sick of this crappy, defective body and Dr's don't like it because I'm not straight forward. They can't just write a script and kick me out of the consult in under 5 minutes. Well, they can, but they never get things right and I have trouble talking to them. They don't like people who are educated add a psych problem and their interest is pretty much zero. I'm put in the too hard basket. If there is an answer, I'm going to have find myself.

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wrongplanusert
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17 Jul 2017, 2:42 am

bunnyb wrote:

I've also been told I should have trauma therapy but that would mean talking about things I don't want to talk about. I'm sad enough without trawling up all the things they would want to know.

Add to this that your strategy with your husband is lying by omission, and you have the typical strategy: instead of facing problems and maybe overcome them, just leave them as they are, and have them yeast and grow.

I don't agree with this.

"I don't want to talk about" = I am trying to cheat myself about these issues.

But that works only for people who can become their mask, and forget their soul.
It doesn't look like it's working for you.

Britte
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17 Jul 2017, 2:54 am

cberg wrote:

I've been on the bad end of that antibiotic thing too.

Freakishly disturbing yeah but also some of the most intense whatever I've ever experienced. Just remember we're all experimenting.

Whoops, I had forgotten about this thread. Glad you made it through the effects you experienced, cberg. Would be interest to know what your symptoms were, and, if similar or the same as mine.

Britte
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17 Jul 2017, 3:17 am

bunnyb wrote:

Noca wrote:

Have you tried ECT or TMS or rTMS?

2 things -

You mentioned starting L-Tyrosine. I have taken it for sleep, for the past five years. It does the opposite for me, than what it is, generally, intend to do. It is marketed and used for cognitive/mental alertness, as I'm sure you know, but, I tried it, amongst other supplements, after experiencing trauma, and it made me tired and drowsy, from the get go. Would be interested to know how it effects you, since we seem to have, at least some of the same experiences/symptoms from ingesting medications.

I have found Electroencephalography (EEG) therapy, which is 100% non-invasive, to be extremely effective for trauma/PTSD related symptoms, generalized and social anxiety disorders, Auditory-Language learning disability and other ASD related traits, all of which I have. I read that you are unable to engage in EC therapy, so, due to your issues that prevent you from it, you would want to research EEG, thoroughly, and speak with an applicable practitioner, to find out if it would be safe for you. I would think EEG could do a world of good for you.

bunnyb
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17 Jul 2017, 9:30 pm

wrongplanusert wrote:

bunnyb wrote:

I've also been told I should have trauma therapy but that would mean talking about things I don't want to talk about. I'm sad enough without trawling up all the things they would want to know.

Thank-you. You are right. I am behaving like a petulant child. I've sent an email to the psychologist. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that. I hope she isn't an idiot

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I have a piece of paper that says ASD Level 2 so it must be true.

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