Getting so sick of my mom's defensivness

Post Reply New Topic

How is it that she can still function in day to day life with her attitude?

Today she was discussing bills with me because we are switching to Direct TV and getting rid of the land line to save money and plus she was telling me about switching internet providers too to save us money because they are both retiring this year and will be gone starting September to travel in their RV and be gone for about three months and then be back for the holidays and be gone again. But anyway she was talking about my Dad's car and how they only need one car now and going to give me my dad's car and since my car is a 1999 model and mentions I could sell my car or just keep it I can do whatever I want with it. I then ask her "What about the garage?" and she gets defensive with me. Her tone changes and she then shoots out "I am still working on the other garage and I haven't had time so I am very busy." I then tell her "it was just a question so don't get defensive with me." I was getting so sick of her attitude. I ask a question, she gets so defensive and I think she has gotten worse with it over the years I wonder how she even functions with that attitude. She had been telling me a few times already this year that when she retires her and I will clean out the garage together to get rid of stuff so when I asked her about it as we were talking about our plans, she gets defensive. Why does she do this?


But with my parents being gone, I will see how much our "mailman problem" goes away. That I am looking forward to the most when they leave on their retirement trip.

My mom is like that! It's a copout and manipulation for sure. When I say something in an argument about our relationship about how she's a certain way to me she suddenly says "Don't bother me, I've got a lot on my mind." She did that when I was a little kid too; it was abuse because I was so young when she did it, and it's abuse even when you're older. I wish I knew how to deal with it, but what you proposed you do is a good idea. "Don't bother me, lot on my mind", indeed. She has the energy to tear me down but suddenly has no energy to take criticism for unfairly tearing me down.

^ I disagree - sometimes defensiveness can be a symptom of insecurity rather than active manipulation.
I live with highly defensive people, and sometimes, when someone jumps on me like that, I try being gentle. Like the OP telling your mother it was just a question, instead of getting defensive yourself by saying "don't get defensive with me," you can de-escalate things by saying something like "I wasn't insinuating anything by saying that, I think you're doing a good job with getting everything organized for your trip and I'm not criticizing you."
That can calm the person down and make clear you're not attacking them. It can also prompt them to come clean and be direct with you about what is behind the defensiveness - sometimes it's something you hadn't even thought of and certainly hadn't intended to suggest, but the person is just so insecure about the issue themselves, they see criticism of it in everyone else's behaviour. It's like a form of paranoia. If your comment makes it clear you're not attacking them, they might be able to tell you what's making them defensive and again, you can be consoling, assuring them that you're not meaning to attack whatever it is they're insecure about at all, and offering reassurance.

Maybe she gets asked about it all the time and snapped about it.