If you’re anyone who’s anyone, I’m sure you’ve heard of me. I’m Harrison Fordinary, the famous Jollywood actor. But what you’re about to learn is that a day in the life of Harrison Fordinary is anything but ordinary.
After I wake up in my comfy El-Bair mansion next to my wife Mary Jane, I head to NukeUsFarts, where many successful point and click adventure games based on my popular movies are created. Today the preschool subsidiary of NukeUsFarts, Enormous Entertainment, is having me voice the main character in a game for little kids. It’s about the zany adventures of a queer barber. In the scenes I worked on voices for today, the barber’s good friends, a devout Mormon couple, are newlywed and he has to give them a sex manual since they’re both virgins and have no idea what goes on in the bedroom. It seemed a little racy for kids, but the developers informed me that this is simply what is called “getting crap past the radar” or a “parental bonus” in the gaming business. When I was still skeptical, they had a mother and her three-year old son play that scene of the game and the son was completely unaware of what was going on, so it seemed good enough for me. I collected my paycheck from NukeUsFarts and went to NukeUsFilm LLC where the real magic happens.
That’s right; I’m finally working on the seventh Iowa Smith movie! In the scene I worked on today, Iowy walks into his classroom at Bannett College, where he is a non-tenure track lecturer in the paleontology department. As soon as he steps into the classroom, he finds his girlfriend Raven Marionwood cheating on him with Brocus Mardy Jr., the illegitimate son of a deceased colleague. Raven tries to apologize to him, but before Iowy or Raven can reach a conclusion to this unpleasant encounter, Brocus hangs himself with Iowy’s famous belt. Gorge NukeUs and Spieven Steilberg say that’s a wrap. However, Brocus’ actor Shilo LeBluff does not move for he has apparently hanged himself in real life as well.
After that, it’s off to work on the new Star Fours movie which stars Hat Rolo, who is the character I play, in case you forgot. I hate to spoil the ending to a good film, but it just happens to be the final scene. Nuke Stystalker, Incess Laya, Chewtobacca, RC-DC, C-0CK, and I go into the Dilemmium Fargone spacecraft which explodes in a kind of homage to the Challenger accident. I thought it was in bad taste myself but Gorge NukeUs said it was a mighty fine idea. And get this, he was inspired by Shilo LeBluff’s hanging himself earlier and decides that we should pretend that we all died in the Dillemmium Fargone in real life as well so that we could win an Oskar and beat Ally Wooden’s pretentious, pedophilic, and self-hating Jewish schlock this time around. It succeeds and I go home with the gold but everyone hates me for some reason, probably because I faked my death until after my name was called, after which I came out of my Sadam Andler costume I’ve been wearing for so many years and accepted what was rightfully mine.
22 Jul 2017, 10:40 pm
