Trying To Go On In Life

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This been one of the WORST summer of my life! I been Very Itchy, very sick to my stomach, didn't feel like eating too much, been Very Hot & sweaty cuz of premenopause, having toooooo much anxiety, having back & knee problems, & more bad things. I wish it fall already, at least it's almost August, but I wish I could skip my birthday My grandmother probably want to celebrate it, she even celebrate her birthday still & she is 88. I wish I could go on vacation & come back in October. I have to move out of here someday, I never wanted to live here, my sister talked me into living here. ALOT of things are SO WRONG in my like. I wish someone can help me deal with my sister, it's so hard to deal with her, more hard than dealing with my dad & my grandmother. I'm trying to be a positive person, but some people in my family keep bringing me down. When I loss my mom 4 years ago, I wanted to die, I didn't care about anything, I didn't care about myself, I walked around in my house like a zombie, I wanted to end my pain. Three years later, I started feeling better, I started being mentally stronger, I was happier, I believe my mom is helping me to move on. I'm feeling like my old self again, I feel alive.

Kitty,

Six years ago, when my mom died, I was a lot like you describe. I thought my life had no purpose. It was an endless cycle of despair and failure. Now, things are getting better again after the resolution of an issue that almost ruined my life completely.

It is unusual hot and humid where I live, and it makes me feel sick and yucky. I hope it cools down soon so I can sleep.

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yeah i am fortunate in that i live somewhere that does not get too hot or cold.

2 years ago, my precious lil "mom" got a stroke. she was comatose for six months. then she dropped dead. she was 66 years old. and i was 31 years old.

at the funeral, my precious lil "mom's" four siblings came with their spouses. and my precious lil "dad's" siblings and their spouses came too. all the siblings and spouses were about the same age as my precious lil "mom". and they were all walking and talking. not to mention alive too.

my precious lil "mom" was skinny. 110 pounsd. did not smoke, drink alcohol, or do drugs. she exercised with videotapes. she ate kale every morning. and et cetera.

my precious lil "dad" and Uncle Tom had the nerve to blame me for her death. b/c i was "naughty" and a "bad" child. b/c i did not become a medical doctor. and i was trans and autistic instead of cisgender neurotypical.

my sister (only one sibling) is a medical doctor. cisgender, neurotypical, straight. married with 2 children. her demeanor/personality is pretty mellow.

and of course i am jealous that i did not end up like her.

instead i ended up weird in unfavorable ways.

and i was not a Perfect Chinese Daughter.

i was some crossdressing weirdo

yeah i get it

but the thing is, maybe life has no purpose. maybe precious lil "people" are just so grandiose. delusion of grandeur. they truly believe life has purpose. and they act so important, innocent and impatient.

maybe nobody's life has a purpose. maybe they are just mistaken.

failure. despair

that's constant. except sometimes more extreme