Is my view on forgiveness aspie-like?

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I posted on this other thread a couple days ago where we debated whether or not it was more common among Aspies for them to hold grudges. That inspired me to make this thread. Anyway, do you think my view on forgiveness is aspie like?"

* I believe that people should only be forgiven if they are truly remorseful for their actions and promise to make up for them.
* I believe forgiveness is earned based on a set of criteria, never given out freely.
* I believe that forgiving people who do not deserve forgiveness only enables them and causes them to take advantage of you again.
* I believe that holding a grudge against the offending party until they've shown remorse shows them there are consequences for their actions.

What do you think?

I don't believe in holding grudges---but I don't believe in rampant "forgiving," either.

I don't feel your attitude is necessarily "Aspie."

I don't think all aspies have that attitude towards forgiveness, but I could be wrong.

The conventional answers on forgiveness are poor, lousy, and seemingly not thought out very much.

I think what is the Aspie trait is the greater motivation to think for ourselves!

That's one positive aspect of the disorder often times.

Nothing uniquely Aspie'ish there. That said

Forgiveness is not for the forgiven. Holding a grudge does dark things to the soul.

Forgiving a person is not the same as forgetting so I don't see it as enabling. Forgive, remember, and act accordingly.

Holding a grudge is not a consequence in and of itself. If you steal from me, I will forgive you but I will not trust you. The loss of the trust is the consequence. Or maybe going to jail because I pressed charges is! lol ... But I would still forgive you.

I guess the "aspie" idea of forgiveness must be be the right idea of forgiveness. Isn't that a shock?

That whole "forgive and forget" nonsense is a problem for me because. I. DON'T. FORGET.
So if you say or do something really awful that upsets me, don't think I'll have forgotten it by the very next day. Or by the next decade. Or ever. And if you actually do apologize, I'll know if it's fake. And if it is it won't be accepted, and it will be YOUR problem and not mine. No one can force me to forgive.

It is nonsense. I forgive for myself any myself alone. For the peace it brings me. But I never forget. So "forgive but never forget" is more like it. If you forget, how can you apply what you've learned? You'll end up a victim again for the exact same reason.

Forgive but don't forget, just doesn't move my soul. To me, just too much of a pat answer

I'm experimenting with the idea of giving it out entirely freely, the radical Buddhist approach! And I don't need to convert to Buddhism, can just pick and choose the parts I like.

Kind of had to adapt this approach, enough bad things have happened in my life. Kind of my newer approach of life that I want three-quarters of my energy and effort directed toward bringing about good things, and only one-quarter trying to prevent bad things. Although this will vary widely and that's part of the texture of life, too.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 26 Jul 2017, 1:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I thought forgive and forget was the pat answer. Forgiving but not forgetting seems perfectly logical to me. I can only speak for myself, but not forgiving ... holding a grudge takes away from my quality of life. So I forgive ... Call it "letting go" if you like. I don't really care about the other person. I do not forget because how else will I prevent it in the future. Remembering protects me. Per my example, If you steal from me, I will forgive you so I am not consumed by hate or bitterness or whatever ... but I will remember. I will lock doors when you are around. I won't trust you. I will protect myself however necessary to prevent you stealing from me again. I will remember ... Forgiving helps me and remembering helps me. How does holding a grudge help me?

I suppose it might sound trite, but I think it's quite practical.

I am not sure what forgiveness means when people use the word. Sometimes there are people out there who do things that are so bad you can never trust them again or want nothing to do with them. To me you cannot forgive that if you have no intention of not holding it against them and no longer judge them and you let them back in your life again. I can't call that forgiveness if that is what someone is doing to another person who has hurt them or done something terrible or if they are still affected by it or damaged. I have seen people say they forgive their abusers but yet they are still affected by the abuse or they still don't want them around or they still have no contact with them or seeing one person saying how she forgives her stepfather for enabling her mother's abuse and walking away but yet she wants no part of his life so she doesn't have her sons see him. She claims she forgives her mother but yet she has no contact with her mother and doesn't have her sons see their grandmother. To me that doesn't sound like forgiveness but a grudge so she cuts them out of her life and problem solved. I think that grudge is justified.

There are several people in my life I don't forgive because what they did was so horrible.

I think people are kidding themselves when they say they forgive but yet still have hurt feelings over it and are still affected by their actions.

But yet my sister in law borrowed money from us years ago and never paid us back but we just don't loan to her again. I don't feel angry about it and I let it go, I just won't loan to her again. Is that forgiveness or a grudge? I would rather not be taken advantage of so I have to set limits. I don't think borrowing money from someone and then not paying it back is the most terrible thing someone can do. Bu if they stole it, then yeah that is terrible and the worst. My husband and I gave her the money, she didn't take our credit card or steal our checkbook and forge it or take cash from our apartment.


To me forgiveness is you don't hold it against them. So of course if someone destroyed your computer and they were three at the time and now they were seven, you forgive them because you don't hold it against them or see them as someone who is mean and reckless vs them doing it when they were a teenager and they are now twenty years older and you see them again but you still see them as that same person as they were when they were a teen for that action they did, that is not forgiveness because you are holding it against them and using the incident they did when they were a teen to judge them and no matter how well they are acting and how friendly they act towards you, you still see them as that person. i would be kidding myself if I told myself I forgive certain people out there but yet I wouldn't trust them because I fear they would do those same antics again because it was a problem in the past. Sure kids grow so they are easy to forgive because they change all the time so they are easy to be given the benefit of the doubt.

That's why I make the distinction between forgiving and forgetting. I have a kid I have pseudo adopted. He sometimes steals from me. As a result I lock my bedroom door. I bear him no ill will for it. I love him regardless. That's forgiveness. My door is still locked. That's remembering.

Hi, CuriousButDepressed.

I'm not sure if your ideas on forgiveness are aspie-like. But to me they seem Jewish-like.

http://www.js.emory.edu/BLUMENTHAL/Repentance.html

I struggled for a long time with the idea of forgiveness, because every time I thought about with-holding forgiveness from someone who was not remorseful, I was accused of 'holding a grudge'.

It turns out that this is not holding a grudge, at all. Forgiveness is a two way street. It's not possible to 'forgive' someone who is not sorry, and doesn't want to make amends. It's only possible to 'forget' the behavior, and dismiss it. A lot of people mix up forgiveness with forgetness. And you are 100% right that this is rewarding bad behavior, and will create disharmony in the world.

Holding a grudge is what you do if you refuse to forgive someone who is remorseful, and has tried to make amends.

Also I like this method, because it explains that granting forgiveness doesn't always mean that you have to revive the relationship. That is nice in some situations, where someone wants to forgive a person for past actions, but doesn't feel comfortable being in contact with the forgiven person, generally.

It also allows for you to ask your deity to forgive a person who has not specifically asked you for forgiveness. So if you believe in a deity, you can ask that it does what you can't.

I don't celebrate or practice any religion, but I really like this explanation of forgiveness. It is a method that I can stand by.

Hmmm... That is a thought provoking read. Thank you for sharing it. Anyone read this? Same exact thread headline. Also interesting.


viewtopic.php?t=341174

It's quite fascinating that my view on forgiveness was compared to the Jewish view on forgiveness, since I was raised in a secular Jewish home growing up. We always were confused and repulsed by the mainstream view of forgiveness, believing it to be foolish and damaging.