Former classmate invited himself to my birthday party

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Anna_K
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29 Jul 2017, 11:56 am

There's a guy who was in my class this year, we've talked a bit but we aren't close. We message sometimes on an acquaintance level. He asked about what I'm doing for my birthday over text and I accidentally let it slip that I'm having a party. He automatically asked if he could come. I told him that I have to keep the number small and that it was gonna be mostly my close friends. He somehow still thinks he's invited because he keeps asking what he should bring and more details. I didn't answer those or give him the address because I don't want him there. He knows some of my closer friends and I'm afraid one of them may have given him the address or invited him without my knowledge. He is somewhat socially awkward with no friends group or close friends but I don't consider him a close friend nor do we have enough in common. How do I tell him once again he isn't invited without sounding rude or should I just keep quiet and not tell him the address/other details?



Summer_Twilight
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29 Jul 2017, 4:19 pm

This is a tough one being that you don't want to hurt his feelings but let him know that

"I really enjoy spending time with you but I really feel that since we don't each other that well, I don't really feel close to you. I would feel better getting together on another time with a group of my friends and I have already invited everyone who I want to have there."

You could also be assertive with your close friend by mentioning that you feel like this person is trying to invite himself to your party and hadn't planned on inviting him and not to giving them your address.



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29 Jul 2017, 9:27 pm

I would just repeat to him, that you have to keep the number, small----like, if you haven't, already, blame it on your mother (LOL); that she said you could only invite, so many. Say: "Sorry----maybe, next time", and just hope there ISN'T a next time!!

Meanwhile, I'd be texting all of the people I'd invited, and telling them NOT to let him know the address, cuz you don't want him, there.

Good Luck!! Let us know what happens.....






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Anna_K
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30 Jul 2017, 10:44 am

I let my friends know the other day not to tell him or anyone else who wasn't invited the address. He is under the impression that everyone from our school(my now former school since I graduated this year) is going to be there. He also thinks that everyone is going to be drinking but we are all underage and my parents said they aren't giving alcohol since most of us are underage. I told him again that there won't be that many people and that my parents are strict about that and the no alcohol thing since they don't wanna be responsible if anything bad happened. The party is tmrw so we'll see how it goes!! Thanks for the help guys



AspieUtah
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30 Jul 2017, 11:02 am

Could you offer to join your acquaintance apart from your party, maybe at a cafe to make up for not including him at the party? Spend some time with him, he might appreciate it and you, and you might make a new friend.


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30 Jul 2017, 11:24 am

So you never actually said he couldn't come?

It's too late to tell him that without sounding rude and ignoring him and not telling him details will also come off as rude. And if he really has no friends and is socially awkward, it will also probably hurt his feelings pretty bad as well.

Really you should have told him no in the first place if you really, really didn't want him to come. I guess at this point it would be better to just say 'actually you can't come.' so he knows and isn't waiting till it finally dawns on him that you're purposely ignoring him so he doesn't know where or when the party is..but yeah I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't seem rude.


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Sweetleaf
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30 Jul 2017, 11:29 am

AspieUtah wrote:
Could you offer to join your acquaintance apart from your party, maybe at a cafe to make up for not including him at the party? Spend some time with him, he might appreciate it and you, and you might make a new friend.


Kind of pointless....I doubt after thinking he was given the OK to come to the party, spending time asking what he should bring and such only to be told 'you can't come' at the last minute or being ignored till he gets the hint himself, he is going to want to hang out.


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Sweetleaf
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30 Jul 2017, 11:31 am

Anna_K wrote:
I let my friends know the other day not to tell him or anyone else who wasn't invited the address. He is under the impression that everyone from our school(my now former school since I graduated this year) is going to be there. He also thinks that everyone is going to be drinking but we are all underage and my parents said they aren't giving alcohol since most of us are underage. I told him again that there won't be that many people and that my parents are strict about that and the no alcohol thing since they don't wanna be responsible if anything bad happened. The party is tmrw so we'll see how it goes!! Thanks for the help guys


I would assume to find out he thinks all this you would have had to talk to him....

And you still didn't tell him he can't come?


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AspieUtah
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30 Jul 2017, 11:34 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
AspieUtah wrote:
Could you offer to join your acquaintance apart from your party, maybe at a cafe to make up for not including him at the party? Spend some time with him, he might appreciate it and you, and you might make a new friend.

Kind of pointless....I doubt after thinking he was given the OK to come to the party, spending time asking what he should bring and such only to be told 'you can't come' at the last minute or being ignored till he gets the hint himself, he is going to want to hang out.

I agree with this. If he believes he has been invited (whether is was invited or not), no amount of confused retraction will mend things. He will feel insulted. Worse, "allowing" him to attend while everyone avoids him or ridicules him just out of earshot will make matters much worse. If he attends, the OP should make it her duty to make him feel truly welcomed in some real ways. I still feel that a followup visit to a local cafe would fix a host of sins.


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30 Jul 2017, 11:45 am

AspieUtah wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
AspieUtah wrote:
Could you offer to join your acquaintance apart from your party, maybe at a cafe to make up for not including him at the party? Spend some time with him, he might appreciate it and you, and you might make a new friend.


Kind of pointless....I doubt after thinking he was given the OK to come to the party, spending time asking what he should bring and such only to be told 'you can't come' at the last minute or being ignored till he gets the hint himself, he is going to want to hang out.

I agree with this. If he believes he has been invited (whether is was invited or not), no amount of confused retraction will mend things. He will feel insulted. Worse, "allowing" him to attend while everyone avoids him or ridicules him just out of earshot will make matter much worse. If he attends, the OP should make it her duty to make him feel truly welcomed in some real ways. But, I still feel that a followup visit to a local cafe would fix a host of sins.


I just don't see how...why would he want to go to a cafe with someone who in his view just stood him up for a birthday? Either way the OP posted this yesterday so either at some point they finally informed him he's not invited or he's sitting at home waiting on a time and place for the party and when he never gets a call or text in regards he will realize he wasn't wanted there.


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Summer_Twilight
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30 Jul 2017, 4:02 pm

Yeah no, you don't want someone like that attending if he is looking for alcohol. He sounds very wild and you seem to be very smart in putting your foot down.