Thinking About Suicide Even After Minor Things Happenning

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31 Jul 2017, 10:37 pm

I think about suicide alot, it started when I was like twelve or thirteen. Like more than on a daily basis. I've always been drawn to it, fascinated by it. I'm sure that thinking about suicide f***s a person up psychologically. I have schizoaffective disorder, I have a recurring delusion regarding suicide like I'm in a dream, like I'm having a nightmare and if I just die I will wake up into a much better existence. Or that if I kill myself I'll get everything I ever wanted. Or that if I really try to kill myself, I'll make some realization that my afterlife is a world exactly like my own, the memory of my dying is erased and I'll be forced to go on living as myself only different in that I will know I'm not allowed to die that way. What greater hell for a suicidal person to realize they can't die? A gun doesn't go off, after the fact there is a recall on the model of gun you purchased. Every method you try fails and there is always some plausible explanation for it, you caused suffering in a different universe to all the people you love and after each attempt you lose that sense that reality is real and not just some kind of game or ride you are trapped in.

SaveFerris
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31 Jul 2017, 10:42 pm

Noca wrote:

BPD typically doesnt respond to drugs, but rather DBT, or other cognitive therapies. With BPD your mood can rapidly shift on a dime. I try and recognize that if I am in a state of dsyphoria, I know that how I feel in that moment will likely have nothing to do with how I feel the next day or even mere hours from that point in time. A coping skill, mix of mindfulness and diffusion from ACT.

Yes thinking about suicide definitely helps, and for me it is a coping mechanism. A lot of my life for the last 13 years has been hell, even torture for years at a time. Knowing that you can get up and leave, walk out of the room anytime helps even if you choose to stay and fight. My chronic illnesses never end and there is a strong correlation between BPD sufferers and those with chronic illness/chronic pain. For me most of my thoughts seem rational given what I am going through, but regardless are maladaptive and need to be treated.

I suggest you give DBT a shot and see if that works better than relying on meds that don't typically respond well to BPD.

Thanks for the advice Noca , I don't suffer from chronic pain ( unless you count mental anguish as pain ). Do you think it's likely that in my upcoming ASD assessment they will be able to identify BPD?

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SaveFerris
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31 Jul 2017, 10:46 pm

Chronos wrote:

Have you ever consider getting your thyroid functioning and testosterone levels checked? Hormone problems can be a significant factor in mental health issues for both women and men.

I think I've had my thyroid functioning tested last time I was in hospital , as for testosterone , never had a test although the Low T symptoms sound familiar.

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SaveFerris
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31 Jul 2017, 11:00 pm

wcoltd wrote:

That sounds like a terrible situation to be in wcoltd are you getting treatment ? schizoaffective disorder is another disorder on a long list of the "what have I got" . Suicidal thoughts to me are not nightmarish , they are comforting to me in a morbid way.
Are you saying you attempted suicide with a gun and the gun was faulty?
I am not a religious person , I don't believe in the afterlife or a higher being or force but what I do believe in is "everything happens for a reason" although it's not always apparent at the time.

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01 Aug 2017, 12:27 am

SaveFerris wrote:

wcoltd wrote:

No I never tried a gun, but I mean there's all this weird s**t that happened to me after one attempt where I got pretty close. I remember I was in the hospital and the nurses name was "Angel" and she asked me if I attempted to commit suicide and I told her, and I saw water in her eyes, and she hooked me up to a machine to check my pulse and there was no pulse, and then another machine and there was no pulse and she said there was something wrong with the machines, she seemed really sad when she was saying it. Also I was angry at my psychotherapist for something she said I was thinking about her the whole time I was killing myself and felt really hateful towards her, and after my attempt I found out she died. Apparent suicide. Its bizarre s**t like that that causes me to play with my conception of reality. My life was worse back then than it is now. I'm pretty sure this is the afterlife for me and if I did kill myself I don't regret it, I'd rather not have to kill myself in order to get what I want, but even that is better than living through some forms of suffering.

shortfatbalduglyman
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01 Aug 2017, 8:45 pm

get a counselor.

what is "minor" is subjective. some precious lil "people" wasted (what i consider) way too many calories expressing their anger at me. when i did, or allegedly did, something that they had the nerve to label as "wrong".

but of course maybe i call it minor and they call it major.

you can't measure if it is minor or major.

you can't even factually objectively determine if it is right or wrong.

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01 Aug 2017, 9:29 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:

I'm on a waiting list for a therapist and your right what I call minor is what I perceive the "norm" thinks is minor , which to be honest is want I strive to come across as.

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shortfatbalduglyman
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01 Aug 2017, 9:35 pm

SaveFerris wrote:

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:

I'm on a waiting list for a therapist and your right what I call minor is what I perceive the "norm" thinks is minor , which to be honest is want I strive to come across as.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

ok, considering someone else's perspective could be a good thing.

but seriously though some precious lil "people" act like every time i do or say the slightest thing they do not like, i am bad or wrong. and they act like they have a moral right to veto anything i do just b/c they do not like it. like i ain't got no rights or emotions. like i am their slave.

precious lil "people" have the nerve to ask "why are you smiling?". :roll:

(i beg your pardon?) :evil:

they acted like i had to get a consent form from them every time i changed emotional expression.

and then the high school dean had the nerve to tell me "smile."

ok, smile when someone tells you to smile.

when someone asks why are you smiling, you have to explain it to their satisfaction?

how about "why are you asking why?". why won't/can't you just accept it?

:skull:

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01 Aug 2017, 10:10 pm

Obviously I don't have your experiences or know how you have been treated in the past but to me if someone asks me to smile or ask why am I smiling I don't believe it is meant in a negative way but that's just my perspective.

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02 Aug 2017, 8:28 am

Hey Ferris, sorry man. A couple of years ago I myself struggled with this. Hope it all turns out

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02 Aug 2017, 12:22 pm

Ubersensai wrote:

Hey Ferris, sorry man. A couple of years ago I myself struggled with this. Hope it all turns out

Cheers dude

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Noca
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02 Aug 2017, 2:05 pm

SaveFerris wrote:

Noca wrote:

Both autism assessments I did only looked for autism, they weren't screeing for anything else. Usually any run of the mill psychiatrist can easily pick up on BPD if you have it. I have seen over 15 of them and had like a half dozen state that I meet the criteria for BPD.

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02 Aug 2017, 2:43 pm

SaveFerris wrote:

will@rd wrote:

At this point, I feel I'm just waiting for the moment to arrive.

I do get that sort of 'stopgap' 'killing time' feeling sometimes

I'm not sure what that means. I'm talking about knowing the actual moment is coming, and feeling you can more or less count the days. Like there's a brick wall at the end of this road, and it's too late to stop the car.

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02 Aug 2017, 3:40 pm

will@rd wrote:

SaveFerris wrote:

will@rd wrote:

At this point, I feel I'm just waiting for the moment to arrive.

I do get that sort of 'stopgap' 'killing time' feeling sometimes

That's sort of what I meant , suicide is an inevitability in my life and when I'm not thinking about suicide I'm just killing time till it happens.

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shortfatbalduglyman
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02 Aug 2017, 7:50 pm

SaveFerris wrote:

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

maybe i am just biased against precious lil "people", or maybe i got an inferiority complex.

everyone has implicit prejudices.

yeah i do not know how anyone, much less everyone, else in the world would have responded, if they were to have been in my situation.

b/c i ain't psychic, telepathic, or a spy.

it could be that you are more tolerant, receptive, openminded, emotionally mature, or wise than me. :skull:

on the other hand, it could also be anything. :mrgreen:

it has to do with tone and context too.

having said that,

"smile!", to me, sounded like a demand. command. order. instruction.

not "ask".

a request is in the form of a question, or a statement that includes "please" or "lets".

but whatever.

maybe you are just more functional. practical. than me.

but, that ain't saying much.

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02 Aug 2017, 10:02 pm

That happens to me too, when my depression is really bad. Every little mistake I make, I will mentally beat myself up over it and think I should kill myself because I'm such a horrible person. My suicidal thoughts are usually because I feel I'm nothing but a burden, annoyance, etc. to others, and little mistakes seem to confirm that for me. Recently I, too, have felt like I'm just waiting for the right time (though I'm not planning on doing anything in the next few weeks, at least). I don't really feel one way or another about my suicidal thoughts - they're not upsetting, but they're not comforting either, they just are (granted, my depression has a tendency to dull all my emotions).

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