Avoiding coming off as a "know-it-all" or "arrogant"

Post Reply New Topic

Thanks for everyone's feedback on this (and sorry it took me so long to respond!). I went out on vacation just after my review, and I only just recently managed to talk to the people who gave my manager that feedback.

Interestingly, it wasn't as bad as I feared; I don't know if I blew it up in my head (as I am wont to do with soft skills, as I know I'm not stellar at it), or if my manager overstated it. But the people I talked to made it sound like it was... not a huge thing? (Interestingly, the person I was sure that "arrogant, know-it-all" feedback was coming from, didn't think I was at all...). No one could cite any specific examples, nor did they say it was a frequent vibe they got, just an occasional vibe. The most concrete feedback I got was "you understand things quickly and very deeply, far more than other people, which is a good thing, but sometimes you can come off as having tunnel vision on how to improve X and state it very matter-of-factly, since you're much closer to X and already know it needs XYZ or that ABC won't work". Across the board, people agreed that I am direct and matter-of-fact, which they overall liked, but that could rub some people the wrong way.

In keeping with what people said here about making sure the other person can follow your train of thought and feel like their opinions are validated, I think that is a point of improvement for me. It's not that I think people's suggestions are dumb or not worth hearing; I work with some really smart people who I respect immensely, so I just kind of assume the conclusion I've come to is as clear to them as it is to me. I'm thinking maybe I need to take a step back, affirm people's thoughts more thoroughly, and then explain my thought process and how I got to my final conclusion. If I just state "no, that won't work, we need to do X," people feel like their opinions weren't heard or that I didn't like them. But they'd probably feel more heard if I agreed that would be a good idea, and something worth considering, but there are XYZ obstacles, and maybe we could do ABC instead because of XYZ reasons?

A few people mentioned coming across as more direct over writing than in in-person. That's another pain point, since in verbalizing, you tend to explain a bit more and give off nonverbal cues. I've been told before that while I'm a generally direct and candid person, it's not jarring in person and I mean well. But e-mail contains none of those nonverbal cues, so my directness can sound cutting and terse. Luckily, you can take all the time in the world to craft emails... so I just have to edit what I write more.

I totally relate to this, is not a great trait to have is it? Do let me know if you learn how you avoid doing it, other than keeping my mouth firmly shut at all times I have absolutely no idea. After the event I might reflect on what I have said, I might get it or then I might not. I might care if I have upset someone, or then I might not. One of my bosses once said to me that I have to "Consider the impact that my words have on others people" This was something of a revelation, I had never considered it. I still think about what he said all the time. I met this old boss a few weeks back, he is the head of children's service for 2 autism specific school's and kids homes. I had not seen him for a long time, not since I got my diagnosis. When I told him he laughed, told me that was old news and he could have told me that 10 years ago. I now know why he got me and cut me so much slack. He taught me more than any man alive.

To be honest trying to avoid this, or explaining it to myself there is a reason I act like/come over like an up myself jerk so I am not so hard on myself when I cock up is a large part of the reason I went for a diagnosis.

BTDT,

Giving the "right" answer to the "wrong" question is definitely worse than making a simple error. It makes people angry and it is embarrassing to me when I do it.

It really isnt always about beliefs, sometimes people really are wrong, and their brand of being wrong can actually be harmful, especially when its coming from a medical professional or support worker or so on.

They have degrees, it has gone to their head, they don't like to think they can cock things up and make a mistake.

Does arguing with them (or others whom side with them) make you arrogant or a know it all? No but they will try to insist it does. It's easier for them that way than it is to accept they may have made a mistake.

-----

Am I always arrogant or a know it all..absolutely not. If i feel a person is right or if they present me with compelling evidence that they can back up with proof and/or a well reasonsed argument I am more than happy to consider their view and to reconsider my stance.

-----

Unfortunately the symptoms I have that disable me are such that I spend most of my time arguing with both drs, support workers and people on support forums about what is really going on. Ie they insist my sleep issue is depression. I disagree.

1 I fall asleep when out and about and can even nod off when walking around (ive fallen asleep standing up in the shower, whilst doing aerobics and whilst sight seeing around a castle in Wales (Conway Castle actually).

2 My mood is irrelevant

3 My level of drowsiness fluctuates throughout the day and is not a constant feeling of fatigue.

4 I often cant stay awake but if i can im not able to focus and my memory is affected due to feeling so sleepy. It goes past feeling tired.

5 I don't suffer from

* low motivation
* loss of interest in my hobbies (which right now is minimalism, particuarly Japanese minimalism, but also needlecrafts (cross stitching/needlepoint/quilting), paleo/ancestal nutrition and wild living/off the grid/self sufficiency/eco friendly and photography).
* self hatred (im ok with being different, and I do seem to be, I don't consider myself to be less its just that my mind works differently to theirs),
* Fear of doing things I want to do
* Constant low mood (i only feel really down on days when I am thinking too much about my social isolation (i have little contact with other humans...I kinda get stuck socially or on days when I have indulged in too much smirnoff or 'I am smirnoffed' as i prefer to say (get it..smirnoffed, bit drunk...as smirnoff is the only thing I will drink).

There is more but i dont want to go on about it....

Anyway I insist its a sleep disorder or that my brain obviously has problems regulating my sleep patterns (its normal for me to have messed up sleep) but drs keep insisting its depression. Last one i saw to ask for a sleep study said its antidepressants or nothing.

So I said fine, its nothing then and left.

I know they are wrong....but does that make me arrogant or a know it all? Nope. But they will see it that way because their egos are so big they couldn't possibly get it wrong or make a mistake.

They have a fancey job title after all!! !

I think it can be a little difficult to offer advice without seeing how you interact with your co-workers, things that are apparently insignificant such as choice of words, interrupting, nit-picking, inappropriate facial expressions and such can cause others to have an erroneous impression of your intent.

Do you pick your "battles", as well? I mean this in the sense of which topics to correct others on if they get their facts wrong. If that happens frequently maybe start letting some inaccuracies slide, I don't know. If they're harmless, let them be.

Maybe you need to work on your social 'lubricants'. Take a more indirect approach which will make people feel less inadequate or alter your choice of words to include them in the solution. Maybe something like, "Hmm...maybe you're right, but what if we tried _________? Perhaps we would get another result that would________ " Try to include others to reach the conclusions you want them to reach, that way they won't feel as alienated and inadequate than if you come and say something like, "No, that won't work because logical reason 1,2,3...." Even if you're polite, it just comes off as know-it-allish and even arrogant in some cases.

Another thing, people feel even more threatened and inadequate when you correct them in front of their peers. It's even worse if you do this in front of their superiors. If it's serious business, talk to the person away from others. Correcting superiors is even trickier and should be done with caution.

I had the same problem as you, people saw me as a know-it-all, so I basically stopped correcting them at every turn, chose my "battles" and life has become easier since.