OCD thread

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StampSquiddyFan,
When my OCD was at its worst, back when I was 12, I was having pure obsessional thoughts/images literally all the time when I was at home. (At school, my mind was occupied. But the minute I was by myself to think, it would just snowball.) My rock bottom was realizing one day in the bathroom that I literally couldn't NOT think. I couldn't have an empty, free mind. It was very scary. It was like my mind was on a merry-go-round that wouldn't stop. Had I gotten professional help at this point, I guarantee I would have scored in the "extreme" range of the Y-BOCS. I never want to go back to that, but I really don't see how I could, because the scariest part of this time was not knowing what was wrong.

I've had OCD since about age 3, but I didn't have classic aggressive/blasphemous/sexual thoughts and images until I was about 11 1/2. My OCD has always been primarily "moral scrupulosity." When I was four, my mom used to call it "tattling on myself", because even back then I had to confess everything I did/thought that was "bad" or "wrong" or worried me. The sudden onset of the classic pure "O" thoughts, though, was what was scary, because the thoughts were so alien and disgusting and wouldn't stop. I still have these kind of pure obsessions, but they no longer freak me out because I know what they are now. I didn't know this was OCD until I was 15 and took a screening questionnaire for fun back when my special interest in neuropsych disorders was just beginning. I had no idea that this was what I had suffered from my whole life! I wasn't officially diagnosed until age 17, but I had correctly self-diagnosed myself prior to this.

CBT did absolutely nothing for me, and I feel this is because of how long I've had OCD (since I was a toddler) and how long I went untreated. The very concept of CBT isn't effective for me. Most people will eventually have a decrease in their anxiety after forcing themselves to not do a compulsion. I don't. With my moral scrupulosity obsessions, if it's something I need to confess, I will literally have a panic attack until I confess. Once, when I was up at college, I wasn't able to confess something for a few days, so I had a panic attack that whole weekend. The minute I confess, the panic attack and fear stop. This goes against the very nature of CBT. I actually HAVE to confess/do the compulsion if I ever want to find peace. Since I found out what the "bad thoughts" (what I used to call it) were, the severe part of my OCD has again been mostly moral scrupulosity. This is what I still struggle with today and always will, I'm sure. But I still get pure "O" thoughts on a daily basis, and I do mentally pray to counteract them, but I no longer have to confess the thoughts themselves like I used to.

I just wish that I would have been able to get help through CBT (it might have worked when I was a child) and/or meds years ago. I think that, in today's world, my Asperger's would have been recognized when I was a preschooler, and when I was assessed for that, the OCD would have probably been discovered. As it turns out, I figured out about my OCD first as a teenager, and when I was going to CBT my freshman year of college and it proved ineffective, that's when my CBT therapist first brought up the idea that I might also have Asperger's.

Oh, and when I said in my previous post that I had Y-BOCS-proven "severe" OCD, this was when I first started CBT at age 17 and had an official Y-BOCS done. I think my score was 23. Again, I think I would have been in the "extreme" range at one point, and now, I'm probably in the "moderate" range, which is the lowest it will ever go, I'm sure, but the Anafranil has made it livable, and I'm fine with that.

SaveFerris,
It happened, so yes, it's very possible! Even now, sometimes, I'll just gaze to the side and purposely not think to enjoy having that ability back.