When I'm invited to a gathering

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My friend asked me if I wanted to go to a certain block party in our city tonight. It's in the artistic/outcast community where I live (which is what I am). I am an artist aswell as an outcast. I enjoy that neighborhood. But I can't bring myself to go to the blockparty yet. It's just...too many people. Especially if we go during the daylight at all. I hate being in the daylight around tons of people it's too much distraction. Too much noise. Have a hard time actually listening to people when they talk cause there's so much going on.

Things I can't not think about:
1. Anxious uncomfortable feeling.
2. Not enough money to go and even buy a drink right now.
3. Not enough weed to take with me and share with my friend or smoke if I get a stomach ache.
4. The impending doom of me getting caught up in a silent storm. Cause that always seems to happen when I go to things like festivals or bars. I hate it. The only way it doesn't happen is if I drink before I get to the place and like I said I don't have money for drinks right now.
5. People thinking I look out of place cause that always happens. People who don't really know me have told my friends I look like I'm from outside of the matrix but you know, in it.
6. Not eating enough before leaving the house and getting even more anxious because of that. I cannot enjoy myself if I can feel my stomach being hungry. Neither I nor my friend have enough money to go and buy something to eat while we're there.

I also think about how many people are there who don't do anything creative with their time really. They're just their to party and consume drugs and it kind of annoys me. Are people just there cause they want to go to every single event in their town? Or is it cause they are really attached to the creativity of the place? When I go to art festivals and such I feel like I need to be painting there. I don't feel like I should just go for the sake of going. But that's where the whole "going to have human connection" thing comes in and well...we all know how hard that can be.

I wish I could become motivated about pursuing human connection. But unfortunately it needs to be specific and interest focused otherwise my mind goes blank.

I want to go because I don't want to deal with this anxiety anymore but any time I do try going to one of these events that's not specific genre I end up wanting to leave cause I can't focus on the event itself. Or the human connection.

I also worry that my friend will give up and stop inviting me to things. I've been going out more but it's always in the back of my mind.

I can relate to what you posted. Even though I'm not old enough to go to a party yet, every time somebody invites me to do something I always say 'maybe' and later decline because the thought of going is just so overwhelming. I like being around people, but for some reason I despise seeing them in an unstructured or overwhelming situation. I'm going through the same thing as you right now in regards to socializing and going to events. I want to see people, but at the same time I'd rather stay home and watch Stampy Cat . I do love seeing people in structured situations though- maybe you could try meeting someone with a clear purpose in mind? (like, for a specific thing or activity)

When I used to go out to parties I always found I'd stick close to anyone I knew and kind of butt-in occasionally on their conversation, or very rarely, I might find someone I could talk to.

It would always be in the smaller group possible at the party.

I also used to use drugs / alcohol if I got into social difficulties or said something out of line - 'too stoned' if I was slow and unresponsive or 'too drunk' if I'd offended someone or let too much of my dark humour out

So I'd suggest going out more and trying to enjoy yourself - if there's one thing I've learned in this life is that all most people you meet in passing care about is having a good time, why should you be any different.

It might be worth it even if you connect with one person.

I think one thing that bothers me most at parties is how long does a conversation have to be? I always feel rude being the one to walk away and end the conversation, yet I notice everyone else is fine with a few sentences, then they'll move on to talk to someone else.

Much too stressful and tiring for me that