Not sure I can take it anymore. I can't express myself

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Warning, rant with strong language.
I've loved composing and music for a long time, but I suck at both incredibly. I'm one of those really slow types, the ones who can't really learn anything and kind of just get an odd job here and there because I don't have the intelligence for college or school. But I love music, and I feel an intensely strong desire to express myself through composing classical music modeled off of countries. I am often left with really stupidly difficult problems however, like what I like to call a wandering 32nd space (a space at the end of a 3/4 measure which needs to be filled with a 32nd note or rest which I can't fill because it ruins the sound) and other weird counting issues. I'm also incompetent and incapable of learning how the hell accidentals work! I'm getting frustrated now, and I'm paying for the damn pain and irritation which comes with not being able to get out my own emotions. In fact, I have MASSIVE ideas, constantly making new melodies, beautiful fictional worlds, plays operas, music scores. I can sit in front of a Piano and play it all, draw sketches on a picture, I struggle and painfully scratch out all this worthless empty classical music from beautiful places with drawn pictures of beautiful gardens and scenes and forests, I want to compose something that embodies that but I'm totally frustrated! I can't write damn music and I don't have one hell of an idea of where to learn how! I'm also running out of time! I have DAYS to compose. In fact, I want to get it all out before I die (I have about 70 years if I live to my life expectancy) but I can't get a damn idea out from my head onto a page. It's hell, torturous. I feel like you guys who do arts of any kind should know how I feel. And no, I'm not usually this dramatic, I just feel like I had someone shove a knife in to me and I can't remove it until I compose the damn piece I want.

If you can help in some capacity please do. I am at a loss here. I feel severely constipated. Someone has to relate to this? At least one person.

I suffer from the same problem from time to time and here are a few ways I've solved it.

- Write variations on a theme written by someone else that really speaks to how I'm feeling
- Consider what the feelings are that you are looking to express and how best to express them; so, that'll usually end up being a skeleton of how a piece will be structured using descriptive language instead of music (slow build, brief one-bar pause, large hit into loud section, release into piano break, etc etc)
- Change up the way you write. Maybe write lyrics first so that the feeling you're trying to convey is right there on the page and from there you can build music up around it to support those ideas.
- Consider that the act of writing music is in itself an expression of your feelings, as is playing music written by others. There is catharsis in both the act of creating and the art of performance.

If none of that works, just try to write every day, enjoy the process, and don't put too much pressure on yourself. Depending on music to help you deal with emotional baggage puts a lot of weight on the process and could lead to anxiety.

Lastly, accidentals are notes that aren't in the key you're writing in. So, say, for example that you're writing in the key of G major and its only sharp is F#. If you're writing a chromatic run from G to B you'll have to play G, G#, A, A# and B; since G# and A# aren't a part of the G major scale you'll have to write out the sharps next to the note on your notation (an accidental).

Thanks. Now that I look back I always do this. Get angry then come and post something overly dramatic. I've tried a few of these and it worked and I've improved in a lot of areas.

If it helps, composing classical music really is sodding difficult. There's a reason composers are often described as genuises!

I was in a similar state at university, where I was actually supposed to be studying music. I finished a few pieces, but it felt like sweating blood to get mediocre results. Most of the music in my head stayed in my head, and no-one could teach me what I wanted to know.

I gave up, then tried again a few years later, and a few years after that. Fourth time round, I'm finally getting somewhere- I've composed as much this year as in the previous 15 years. Part of this is that I took a detour: learned to play the guitar and started writing songs. That's much simpler and gave me a feeling that I could actually control the musical material. Plus, you don't have to worry about classical "voice-leading" on guitar, so I could be more imaginative with the chords.

I also found a harmony textbook by Tchaikovsky and worked through it slowly, getting a grounding in classical harmony. It's a LOT better at teaching the basics than any other book I've seen- most of them terrorise you with rules until you're scared to move. I'm stuck about halfway through, but what I learned from it seems to be helping. (It's translated as "Guide to the Practical Study of Harmony")

If you're anything like me, you've got plenty of ideas but need to get to a high enough level of skill to do them justice. That's a slow and unpredictable process, but worth it in the end.