Awful situation brewing with "mentor"

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leniorose
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11 Aug 2017, 12:14 am

So, I met my mentor while still in HS, and was recruited to the Vice Chancellor's research team a year before graduation. Once in college, my mentor started teaching me how to do research- in hindsight, very badly. In short, she taught me one machine, a semester late, and while I was working on a project. She generally covered PowerPoint and helped me practice. She seemed nice and I've only just realized that she is a bit of a snake.
.
During a summer internship at a different school, she absolutely turned on me. My mother got upset at her while we were arranging transportation. She insists that I could have stopped my mother, when I tried to apologize. This should have been a warning sign, but I didn't realize it until later. Once there, after a week of my attempts at apologies being ignored, she told me "we're still cool". I took this as a sign that things could go back to normal.

For a while it did. About a month in, a mutual acquaintance noticed that we weren't around each other much. I thoughtlessly said we were avoiding each other. That acquaintance told her. She got offended. I was acting like I usually did, and tried to avoid being rude, which meant sitting near her when she sat down.

A few days later, we were cleaning up the lab (she worked in a different lab, but was in mine for some reason). She asked for bags, and I knew where they were. I passed them to her, she looked me dead in the face and insulted me.
I reported it. She got even more mad at me for involving others, which she had also done by allowing the acquaintance to be an intermediary. I tried to resolve the argument by talking like adults, and she insulted me further, eventually going so far as to attack my character. Because I started with "why did you insulted me?" instead of "what did I do wrong?". And it was a long diatribe about me being stupid, vain and useless. The problem, which I only learned later, was that I'd been extremely socially oblivious. I hadn't realized me saying I was avoiding her was upsetting, or that it was more upsetting for me to stay than me blatantly getting up and leaving when she sat down after she knew.

I tried to apologize again. This led to her completely changing tactics and insisting that the insults and character attacks were tough love, and then adding that I should stop saying that I have Autism because she knows people who actually have it. I do have Autism, but she only met me after 15 years of intense therapy.

So, in short, I apologized for making her mad. She refused to apologize for the insults and there was this weird pity-me thing where she insisted her life was worse than mine and that she was better than me but we were still really similar. She did give me some advice, which I will give her credit for. My shoes smelled because they had gotten wet, and I was advised to buy new ones. Which I did, and that seemed to help.

Then she found something else to get mad about. During the year, I had a project that she taught me the machine for (a type of electron microscope). She's accused me of stealing her work and not giving credit, by insisting that she made my ppt file on my project and I didn't credit her. I've gone through my computer and email, every edit made can be tracked by looking at the files on my computer. Additionally, the accusation of plagiarism makes no sense. If she made the file like she claims, wouldn't she have given herself credit? She also never taught that mentors are credited, only advisors. She also insists that I lied about my computer breaking, even though she knows that I used it during the year. There were internal chips that had cracked when a muscle spasm knocked it to the floor, and the screen is glitchy. This is a hardware problem that was made worse by a virus in its overall impact. The virus is fixed, but the computer hardware is beyond salvation after some rough handling in baggage claim on the way home.

During the internship, I used it as a desktop computer to avoid unnecessary shaking, and only used the word processor. Anyway, on the last day, she was waiting by the elevator and got one last snip in. She accused me of lying and of plagiarism, and threatened to end my academic career. The elevator door closed before I could respond.

She is in grad school, but she has known my advisors for 5 years and has a personal relationship with them. She could probably convince them to fire me. More upsetting is that she never listened to my side of the story. Any time I tried, she would say "that's not true, but anyway" and then keep insulting or attacking me. I wrote my side down and she made it a point to tell me she threw it out.

So, I'm hurtling between pissed off at her and scared that she'll follow through on her threat. I'm scared to stay on my research team because she still has ties to it. Her friend called me and said that she didn't agree with what she'd done, and said that if I need anything to call her. I'm scared to take her up on that offer, even though I think she can give unbiased advice, because my old mentor lives with her. Mentor's friend doesn't even know about the threat mentor gave.

My parents are also angry, and both have said that mentor was abusive ( the insults and attacks were all very personal in nature, combined with the refusal to apologize and the whiplash game of insults turned advice turned threat and my never getting a chance to defend myself). My uncle, a doctorate, has also chimed his agreement.

Should I report it? To my advisors (one unknowingly gave mentor all of the ammo for the insults and attacks)? To the friend that offered advice? I'm scared to take any actions because I'm sure mentor will find out and retaliate.

Additionally, how do I handle the advisor that spilled my difficulties, and her personal beliefs about my diagnosis, to mentor? Should I tell her the fallout or in any way indicate that I think she was wrong? She is partially to blame, as is mentor. So am I, due to the oblivious part, though I suspect that out of all of us, mentor is by far the most culpable.



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11 Aug 2017, 12:48 am

leniorose wrote:
So, I met my mentor while still in HS, and was recruited to the Vice Chancellor's research team a year before graduation. Once in college, my mentor started teaching me how to do research- in hindsight, very badly. In short, she taught me one machine, a semester late, and while I was working on a project. She generally covered PowerPoint and helped me practice. She seemed nice and I've only just realized that she is a bit of a snake.
.
During a summer internship at a different school, she absolutely turned on me. My mother got upset at her while we were arranging transportation. She insists that I could have stopped my mother, when I tried to apologize. This should have been a warning sign, but I didn't realize it until later. Once there, after a week of my attempts at apologies being ignored, she told me "we're still cool". I took this as a sign that things could go back to normal.

For a while it did. About a month in, a mutual acquaintance noticed that we weren't around each other much. I thoughtlessly said we were avoiding each other. That acquaintance told her. She got offended. I was acting like I usually did, and tried to avoid being rude, which meant sitting near her when she sat down.

A few days later, we were cleaning up the lab (she worked in a different lab, but was in mine for some reason). She asked for bags, and I knew where they were. I passed them to her, she looked me dead in the face and insulted me.
I reported it. She got even more mad at me for involving others, which she had also done by allowing the acquaintance to be an intermediary. I tried to resolve the argument by talking like adults, and she insulted me further, eventually going so far as to attack my character. Because I started with "why did you insulted me?" instead of "what did I do wrong?". And it was a long diatribe about me being stupid, vain and useless. The problem, which I only learned later, was that I'd been extremely socially oblivious. I hadn't realized me saying I was avoiding her was upsetting, or that it was more upsetting for me to stay than me blatantly getting up and leaving when she sat down after she knew.

I tried to apologize again. This led to her completely changing tactics and insisting that the insults and character attacks were tough love, and then adding that I should stop saying that I have Autism because she knows people who actually have it. I do have Autism, but she only met me after 15 years of intense therapy.

So, in short, I apologized for making her mad. She refused to apologize for the insults and there was this weird pity-me thing where she insisted her life was worse than mine and that she was better than me but we were still really similar. She did give me some advice, which I will give her credit for. My shoes smelled because they had gotten wet, and I was advised to buy new ones. Which I did, and that seemed to help.

Then she found something else to get mad about. During the year, I had a project that she taught me the machine for (a type of electron microscope). She's accused me of stealing her work and not giving credit, by insisting that she made my ppt file on my project and I didn't credit her. I've gone through my computer and email, every edit made can be tracked by looking at the files on my computer. Additionally, the accusation of plagiarism makes no sense. If she made the file like she claims, wouldn't she have given herself credit? She also never taught that mentors are credited, only advisors. She also insists that I lied about my computer breaking, even though she knows that I used it during the year. There were internal chips that had cracked when a muscle spasm knocked it to the floor, and the screen is glitchy. This is a hardware problem that was made worse by a virus in its overall impact. The virus is fixed, but the computer hardware is beyond salvation after some rough handling in baggage claim on the way home.

During the internship, I used it as a desktop computer to avoid unnecessary shaking, and only used the word processor. Anyway, on the last day, she was waiting by the elevator and got one last snip in. She accused me of lying and of plagiarism, and threatened to end my academic career. The elevator door closed before I could respond.

She is in grad school, but she has known my advisors for 5 years and has a personal relationship with them. She could probably convince them to fire me. More upsetting is that she never listened to my side of the story. Any time I tried, she would say "that's not true, but anyway" and then keep insulting or attacking me. I wrote my side down and she made it a point to tell me she threw it out.

So, I'm hurtling between pissed off at her and scared that she'll follow through on her threat. I'm scared to stay on my research team because she still has ties to it. Her friend called me and said that she didn't agree with what she'd done, and said that if I need anything to call her. I'm scared to take her up on that offer, even though I think she can give unbiased advice, because my old mentor lives with her. Mentor's friend doesn't even know about the threat mentor gave.

My parents are also angry, and both have said that mentor was abusive ( the insults and attacks were all very personal in nature, combined with the refusal to apologize and the whiplash game of insults turned advice turned threat and my never getting a chance to defend myself). My uncle, a doctorate, has also chimed his agreement.

Should I report it? To my advisors (one unknowingly gave mentor all of the ammo for the insults and attacks)? To the friend that offered advice? I'm scared to take any actions because I'm sure mentor will find out and retaliate.

Additionally, how do I handle the advisor that spilled my difficulties, and her personal beliefs about my diagnosis, to mentor? Should I tell her the fallout or in any way indicate that I think she was wrong? She is partially to blame, as is mentor. So am I, due to the oblivious part, though I suspect that out of all of us, mentor is by far the most culpable.


I'm very sorry you have encountered such a person.

This woman sounds like she has borderline personality disorder (I'm not saying she does, I am merely stating she is acting in a manner frequently seen with the disorder) and I think you should end contact with her as soon as possible and if you cannot avoid interacting with her, keep the interactions brief, don't give her any fuel to use against you, and thoroughly document all of your interactions with her in the meantime to the best of your ability. If you can use a recording device, do so. If you can't, document it in writing and e-mail it to yourself as a backup. As I previously said though, I highly recommend you limit your interactions with her as much as possible. Discuss the situation with your University's Ombudsman to see what guidance they can offer and what the reporting process is for these things so you know you are reporting to the right people. If the Ombudsman doesn't know of more appropriate channels, try the Office of the Dean of Students and I would most definitely let whoever you report this to that she threatened to end your academic career.



leniorose
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11 Aug 2017, 1:09 am

Ombudsman? I'm not sure who that would be in our department. I can ask around.
Thanks for the advice.



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11 Aug 2017, 2:24 am

leniorose wrote:
Ombudsman? I'm not sure who that would be in our department. I can ask around.
Thanks for the advice.


The Ombudsman should be a separate department. You might be able to find them by doing a search on Google for your university's name and the word ombudsman, or going to your school's directory and searching for Ombudsman.



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11 Aug 2017, 2:33 am

Yes, as the first responder said, likely has quit a sever disorder. was the same thoughts that came to mind when reading your post. Many ASPD traits within what you have written. Dont take lightly her threat to destroy your career. These type of people will happily do such a thing while walking away smirking. Better to be proactive and address this matter as soon as you can. I wouldn't contact anyone offering help that is direct contact with her. Just for temporary safe measures. As mentioned the ombudsman would be your best first call... Seems this lady sees you as a threat and will do anything to make sure your life is a misery. What she is actually doing at the moment is ''gasllighting'' you.. It can be subtle but she doesn't seem so subtle and the result is you are questioning your actions and motives that were of positive intent... I am sorry you are having to witness such a thing, it can be totally soul destroying! Keep a wide a berth of this lady as you can, dont create any conversations if at all possible but try to just be polite. She will be looking for any opportunity and will likely never admit to her wrong doings.. With these type of people. Tread with extreme caution! YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! :)



leniorose
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03 Oct 2017, 5:30 pm

This is just an update:

Mentor had ordered me not contact one student in particular. I did anyway, and the student was a prior victim. We talked and compared stories- they were eerily similar. As far as we can tell- exactly the same behavior, same triggers and same patterns.

As far as we can tell, the triggers for her abuse were that we were both in the Bachelor of Science program and we were both disabled. Both of us earned better grades than mentor, and could comfortably understand and interpret our own data while doing research.

She did whatever she could to keep us feeling like we were going mad, and to keep us feeling like she was the victim.

Talking to the other student really helped, and I filed a report with the university mentor now attends. If she's done this to two students already, she'll do it to more in the future.

I haven't heard a response from the school about it, but I've done all I could.



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03 Oct 2017, 11:19 pm

leniorose wrote:
This is just an update:

Mentor had ordered me not contact one student in particular. I did anyway, and the student was a prior victim. We talked and compared stories- they were eerily similar. As far as we can tell- exactly the same behavior, same triggers and same patterns.

As far as we can tell, the triggers for her abuse were that we were both in the Bachelor of Science program and we were both disabled. Both of us earned better grades than mentor, and could comfortably understand and interpret our own data while doing research.

She did whatever she could to keep us feeling like we were going mad, and to keep us feeling like she was the victim.

Talking to the other student really helped, and I filed a report with the university mentor now attends. If she's done this to two students already, she'll do it to more in the future.

I haven't heard a response from the school about it, but I've done all I could.


Have you brought the issue up with your school though? And is she still your mentor?



leniorose
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04 Oct 2017, 1:52 pm

Yes, I made a report to her and my school. She is no longer my mentor.
I've also begun doing work with other professors alongside my adviser, so that if she does try anything, I have the means to continue research and stay employed.



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04 Oct 2017, 11:27 pm

leniorose wrote:
Yes, I made a report to her and my school. She is no longer my mentor.
I've also begun doing work with other professors alongside my adviser, so that if she does try anything, I have the means to continue research and stay employed.


I'm glad you were proactive and that the school is supporting you in this matter. I hope things go well for you from this point on.