Why are women so desperate for men?

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MSBKyle
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13 Aug 2017, 11:32 am

I know several women who can't live without a man. They act like being in a relationship or married to a man is the only thing that will make them happy. Whenever a man leaves a woman or when a woman is alone, she is depressed and acts like it is the end of the world. I don't understand why women are so clingy. Yes, going through a breakup or being alone may not be pleasant experiences to some people, but there is more to life than having someone by your side 24/7. It seems that women can't accept themselves unless they have a man. When a woman starts dating a man, she expects him to propose to her shortly after they have started dating. Women seem to want to rush into things instead of taking the relationship slow and getting to know the man. I think that the reason women have a hard time finding a man is because many of them are clingy, desperate, and want to marry the first guy they meet. Unless women start changing their ways, a lot of them will end up alone for the rest of their lives.



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13 Aug 2017, 1:11 pm

In my experience it is typically the men who are completely devastated after the breakup.



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13 Aug 2017, 2:05 pm

The main difference is women can find a replacement very quickly. For men, not so much. They can be alone for years.


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13 Aug 2017, 2:48 pm

[! !!TRIGGER WARNING!! !]

I don't completely understand this, either.

But I see it all the time. My guess is codependency is at the root of most of it.

The scenario I see most often is a woman gets trapped in an abusive relationship. It may take some time, but she eventually leaves the relationship. She manages to stay single for a short time. If you ask her about this guy or that guy, she's like, "yeah, he's really nice/cute/sweet, but he's not my type/I'm not interested in a relationship right now." Then she meets a guy who's the spittin' image of her ex. But is one is "different." And I know he'll change because we're in loooooooooove. And everything is great until one night she gets stuck in traffic om her way home from work. So he slaps her and accuses her of cheating on him.

She eventually manages to break up with him.

And dates this really nice guy who never hits her. Calls her beautiful, gives her wine, chocolate, flowers, and it's high class Disney princess existence for a few weeks.

Until she meets the new guy at work who takes her to lunch a couple of times and asks her why her bf isn't with her right now. Later on she tells her bf she isn't feeling well and is just gonna chill by herself tonight...meanwhile new guy gets her drunk and she sleeps with him.

So she dumps the nice guy and starts staying with new guy. Until he leaves his cell phone out by mistake and she sees a highly suggestive text from some other girl. So she decides she's leaving him. He slaps her around a bit and tells her she's not.

Eventually she has to get the cops involved to get this creep out of her life.

And then she runs into the first guy at the grocery store. They catch up, he apologizes for treating her so bad and says he'd give anything for a second chance. They get back together and everything is great for a while. Then one night he comes home high on meth...

And that's the reason for the trigger warning. This stuff happens all the time. It's terrible. The last thing you want to do is blame the victim. But at the same time, how do you both a) validate her feelings and b) end her behavior that leads back to a cycle of abuse?

My working theory is this: between the endorphins, the oxytocin, and the adrenaline, people (to include women here) get addicted to drama. It's a chemical addiction no different from alcohol or opiates. And because of that accompanied by codependency, BPD, OCD, or bi-polar, you've got a surefire recipe for domestic disaster.

Otherwise, she's the product of a dysfunctional family and assumes this is the norm (kinda how I grew up), or she doesn't believe or know she even CAN escape these destructive patterns. You can't generalize and say my working theory explains every bad situation, I know that. But looking into why some women are intensely attracted to disaster might be worthwhile if those women in particular can proactively end cycles of abuse.

It can happen to men, too. It happened to me. Long story short, she was psychotic and difficult to get rid of, as psychotic people often tend to be. I shouldn't have gone out with her in the first place. When I dumped her, I shouldn't have kept hanging out with her. And when we were hanging out, I shouldn't have had sex with her. I was dumb. C'est la vie. Live and learn. Try not to repeat your mistakes.

Anyway, with desperate women my opinion is that's what's going on. You assume that everyone is different. But looks, personality, and intellect end up covering darker motivations. At a certain point, you forget that love could be better if you ever knew better to begin with. Those "bad boy" relationships turn into your next hit of dope. Because even though it hurts you, the hurt becomes a numbness that masks deeper emotional turmoil. You can't live without because where would you go? Who would have you? Why would being alone be better than THIS?

And I think that really makes it difficult.

Opposing viewpoints are, of course, perfectly welcome.



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13 Aug 2017, 3:49 pm

Quote:
When a woman starts dating a man, she expects him to propose to her shortly after they have started dating. Women seem to want to rush into things instead of taking the relationship slow and getting to know the man.


I thought this is an Eastern-specific thing only.



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13 Aug 2017, 3:59 pm

MSBKyle wrote:
I know several women who can't live without a man. They act like being in a relationship or married to a man is the only thing that will make them happy.

The irony lol



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13 Aug 2017, 7:40 pm

In my experience its the opposite, many men desperately desire love and sex, while many women act like they don't care about men at all and could easily do without them.



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13 Aug 2017, 7:44 pm

AngelRho wrote:
[! !!TRIGGER WARNING!! !]

I don't completely understand this, either.

But I see it all the time. My guess is codependency is at the root of most of it.

The scenario I see most often is a woman gets trapped in an abusive relationship. It may take some time, but she eventually leaves the relationship. She manages to stay single for a short time. If you ask her about this guy or that guy, she's like, "yeah, he's really nice/cute/sweet, but he's not my type/I'm not interested in a relationship right now." Then she meets a guy who's the spittin' image of her ex. But is one is "different." And I know he'll change because we're in loooooooooove. And everything is great until one night she gets stuck in traffic om her way home from work. So he slaps her and accuses her of cheating on him.

She eventually manages to break up with him.

And dates this really nice guy who never hits her. Calls her beautiful, gives her wine, chocolate, flowers, and it's high class Disney princess existence for a few weeks.

Until she meets the new guy at work who takes her to lunch a couple of times and asks her why her bf isn't with her right now. Later on she tells her bf she isn't feeling well and is just gonna chill by herself tonight...meanwhile new guy gets her drunk and she sleeps with him.

So she dumps the nice guy and starts staying with new guy. Until he leaves his cell phone out by mistake and she sees a highly suggestive text from some other girl. So she decides she's leaving him. He slaps her around a bit and tells her she's not.

Eventually she has to get the cops involved to get this creep out of her life.

And then she runs into the first guy at the grocery store. They catch up, he apologizes for treating her so bad and says he'd give anything for a second chance. They get back together and everything is great for a while. Then one night he comes home high on meth...

And that's the reason for the trigger warning. This stuff happens all the time. It's terrible. The last thing you want to do is blame the victim. But at the same time, how do you both a) validate her feelings and b) end her behavior that leads back to a cycle of abuse?

My working theory is this: between the endorphins, the oxytocin, and the adrenaline, people (to include women here) get addicted to drama. It's a chemical addiction no different from alcohol or opiates. And because of that accompanied by codependency, BPD, OCD, or bi-polar, you've got a surefire recipe for domestic disaster.

Otherwise, she's the product of a dysfunctional family and assumes this is the norm (kinda how I grew up), or she doesn't believe or know she even CAN escape these destructive patterns. You can't generalize and say my working theory explains every bad situation, I know that. But looking into why some women are intensely attracted to disaster might be worthwhile if those women in particular can proactively end cycles of abuse.

It can happen to men, too. It happened to me. Long story short, she was psychotic and difficult to get rid of, as psychotic people often tend to be. I shouldn't have gone out with her in the first place. When I dumped her, I shouldn't have kept hanging out with her. And when we were hanging out, I shouldn't have had sex with her. I was dumb. C'est la vie. Live and learn. Try not to repeat your mistakes.

Anyway, with desperate women my opinion is that's what's going on. You assume that everyone is different. But looks, personality, and intellect end up covering darker motivations. At a certain point, you forget that love could be better if you ever knew better to begin with. Those "bad boy" relationships turn into your next hit of dope. Because even though it hurts you, the hurt becomes a numbness that masks deeper emotional turmoil. You can't live without because where would you go? Who would have you? Why would being alone be better than THIS?

And I think that really makes it difficult.

Opposing viewpoints are, of course, perfectly welcome.


Very spot on.



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13 Aug 2017, 7:53 pm

Good grief, here we go again with the stereotyping of women.


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13 Aug 2017, 9:14 pm

Outrider wrote:
In my experience its the opposite, many men desperately desire love and sex, while many women act like they don't care about men at all and could easily do without them.

Same here. And having over twice your age on you I can tell it does NOT improve as you get older. Women do not have the same desire for intimacy that men do. After I got married, sex was down to like, twice a week or something. We got back from the honeymoon and it was like I ceased to exist within a week. After having my first kid, it was nonexistent for a while. I mean, naturally, of course it is. Things started to pick up after a year. Then there was that one day we ran out of condoms. Oops.

That's when things got BAD for us. No money, no jobs, no home. Another year went by with next to nothing. Things started to turn around for us and we started talking about baby #3. Nothing SERIOUS, just talking. Then the condom broke.

Yet another year goes by with little action. And another. And another when I wondered if she even noticed me at all. Things eventually did start to pick up. We worked up to about twice a month and called it good.

Now we're up to 3 or 4 times a month.

If she were telling this story, she'd tell you that between a job, 3 kids, keeping house, there was just no time for sex nor any real desire. She would say that working herself up to a climax was just more work, just something else she felt obligated to do to keep me happy--and not really worth the effort for herself. She'd be perfectly content to let me do what I needed to do and be done with it. That just left me feeling dirty, though. So whenever she gets horny, I'm ready and willing. But I have no idea when that will be.

Her perspective has since changed in that she feels she has neglected that part of our relationship. So...MAYBE once a week if the moon and planets align just right. She wants intimacy more, makes time for it, and actually seems to enjoy it.

Aaaaaaand we're thinking about baby #4.

lol

Which means I'll turn 60 (empty nest years) before I get any again! LOL :lol: :lol: :lol:

No, men and women value intimacy differently. For us, half the satisfaction is seeing a satisfied woman no matter what it takes, hence why we locker-room brag about staying power. Women just want to know they are valued and don't see what the big deal is. I told him I love him; geez you'd think that would be enough! Erm...no, it's NOT enough. Words are wind. If you really cared for me, you'd enjoy being with me--and SHOW it!

Look at it another way. We both hate washing dishes. She sees a sink full of dirty dishes and thinks, crap I've got to wash dishes AGAIN. So the first thing she does is take care of the dishes.

Me? Meh...I'll get to it when I get to it. And when I finally do it, it's like climbing Mt. Everest. You don't do it every day, but you get bragging rights just for doing it once. So washing dishes is a challenge, a conquest. Look honey, I washed dishes!! ! And she's like, so?

Which leads to the question "Does it REALLY matter?" It's easy early on to get a sense of entitlement, that this is what we're SUPPOSED to do. I'm SUPPOSED to feel good and you're SUPPOSED to like making me feel good. And when kids come sometimes it's like Al Bundy on "Married: With Children." I do think women should consider whether they are taking men for granted, ask if things are cooling off at home whether they are the ones putting distance between themselves and their husbands. With husbands, same thing. Do we expect too much? Are the things we value really that important in the long run?



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13 Aug 2017, 10:13 pm

MSBKyle wrote:
I know several women who can't live without a man. They act like being in a relationship or married to a man is the only thing that will make them happy. Whenever a man leaves a woman or when a woman is alone, she is depressed and acts like it is the end of the world. I don't understand why women are so clingy. Yes, going through a breakup or being alone may not be pleasant experiences to some people, but there is more to life than having someone by your side 24/7. It seems that women can't accept themselves unless they have a man.



Same for men. Many men can't live without a woman. In fact, in my observation, men get more upset and more depressed about being single than women do. But the fact of the matter is, some people really just don't like being alone. For some people, being alone is one of the worst things in the world for them, and even a toxic relationship is more appealing to them than being alone. As for break ups, in my observation men take break ups harder than women. As to why are women so clingy....some women are clingy, as well as some men, but when men are clingy, society doesn't call them clingy, society calls them "possessive" and "jealous".

MSBKyle wrote:
When a woman starts dating a man, she expects him to propose to her shortly after they have started dating. Women seem to want to rush into things instead of taking the relationship slow and getting to know the man.


I'm not sure where you get this idea. I think how quickly people start to consider marriage depends on many factors, such as how much they like the other person, their age, and where they are in life. For example, in one's early 20's, in the west, most men and women are not ready for marriage and would not, at that point in their lives, consider marrying their partner. Men tend to start thinking about marriage slightly past their mid 20's, which is when women tend to also start thinking about marriage, and people in their late 30s, both men and women, are more likely to be looking for marriage. When I go on dating sites, most of the men in my dating pool are in their mid to late 40s and are looking for marriage. The difference is, a women in their 30s who want children may, on average be looking for marriage more than a man in his 30s who eventually wants children, because she has less time to have children, so she may be more likely to want to get to the point, whereas a man may feel he has more time to "play the field".

MSBKyle wrote:
I think that the reason women have a hard time finding a man is because many of them are clingy, desperate, and want to marry the first guy they meet. Unless women start changing their ways, a lot of them will end up alone for the rest of their lives.


In my observation, women who are clingy are more likely to find a man and marry him. I preset as evidence, myself vs. women with borderline personality disorder.

I'm not a clingy person. I prefer a lot of time to myself. Women with borderline personality disorder are the epitome of clingy because people with borderline personality disorder rely on others to give them a sense of self. People with borderline personality disorder also tend to create stormy, toxic, abusive relationships due to their emotionality, paranoia, and perpetual fear of abandonment. I'm sure you have hear of those women who stay with abusive men who hit them and wonder why (some of these women have BPD but that's not what I'm getting at) there is a parallel for men. Men who stay with abusive women with BPD.

On this message bored, most of the people posting about the problems they have with their spouses are women with partners they think have AS.

However there are message boards geared towards BPD where most of the people posting about their spouses are men who believe their wives have BPD. After reading some of the horrors these men have been subjected to, one starts to ask "Why do these men stay with these abusive women". The men provide an answer to this question. Because, via their clingyness, the women made the men feel like they were the most important person in the world, and the attention they bestowed upon the men made the men absolutely enamored with them.

The lesson: Women who give men a lot of emotional and sexual attention don't have a hard time getting men for any type of relationship.

I'm going to be single for a long time.



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13 Aug 2017, 10:46 pm

Yeah that's me too chronos. I don't think I male men feel needed because even though I am a caring person I'm not clingy. I am too independent and I can do most things myself. I think men look at me and think, 'what does she need me for?'



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13 Aug 2017, 10:49 pm

From what I have seen, women want a man more than anything else. Many women I have seen can't stand being alone. I have never dated, but I do know women who are like this. I know of a man who is on a dating site and the first thing a woman asks him is when he plans to get married. He tells them right away that he has no intentions of getting married. Most men today don't want to get married or have kids. It is women who want marriage and kids and most men don't want to commit. All a man wants is sex and then he is done with the woman. That is wrong too. A lot of men want their space and women, at least from what I have heard and seen, want a man by their side 24/7 or most of the time. Men and women are two totally different people. I think this is why many marriages and relationships don't last. Men and women are complete opposites and desire different things. Sometimes I think that people are better off alone. All men want is sex and women want a man to commit. Relationships seem complicating. Men and women need to learn to be happy with themselves and not be so clingy to one another. Men need to stop focusing on just the sex and women need to give men their space.



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13 Aug 2017, 10:54 pm

MSBKyle wrote:
From what I have seen, women want a man more than anything else. Many women I have seen can't stand being alone. I have never dated, but I do know women who are like this. I know of a man who is on a dating site and the first thing a woman asks him is when he plans to get married. He tells them right away that he has no intentions of getting married. Most men today don't want to get married or have kids. It is women who want marriage and kids and most men don't want to commit. All a man wants is sex and then he is done with the woman. That is wrong too. A lot of men want their space and women, at least from what I have heard and seen, want a man by their side 24/7 or most of the time. Men and women are two totally different people. I think this is why many marriages and relationships don't last. Men and women are complete opposites and desire different things. Sometimes I think that people are better off alone. All men want is sex and women want a man to commit. Relationships seem complicating. Men and women need to learn to be happy with themselves and not be so clingy to one another. Men need to stop focusing on just the sex and women need to give men their space.


Well now you know what you have seen isn't the entire situation. So being you see women who are clingy, and I see men who are clingy, and you see men who only want sex, and women who only want marriage, and I see men who want marriage and kids, and women who only want sex, perhaps the logical conclusion would be that some humans, both male and female, are clingy, some humans, both male and female, are not clingy. Some humans, both male and female, only want sex, and some humans, both male and female, want marriage and kids.



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13 Aug 2017, 11:29 pm

Chronos wrote:
Same for men. Many men can't live without a woman. In fact, in my observation, men get more upset and more depressed about being single than women do.


In my experience, I took being single hard because I grew up being told God had a "plan" for me. God apparently had my career and a wife lined up for me and all I had to do was wait it out. In fact, one of the people who said that to me still insists God has a plan for me despite telling her I am almost 30 and not only have I not graduated college or gotten a job that's above part time, my first and only real girlfriend did not become my wife. Some of the things that started chipping away at the "plan" viewpoint were that I would wonder why girls would say "So and so is hot!" except for me and I never had female friends come over while my older brother got the squeals (I suppose the feminine version of cat calling) and he had female friends come over. I remember wondering why it was him getting all the attention while I was not. I remember in theater class some of the girls would cuddle with the guys and do things like massage their heads or arms while they generally ignored me.

During that time, I had a female friend I would talk to through AIM and I hoped one day we would meet and she would become my girlfriend. I even visualized a lot of future scenarios about her and I but it was all in vain. She was dating other guys and simply saw me as just some guy to talk to out of boredom. When I kept seeing that happen, I started questioning God's "plan" and was wondering if the situation would ever change. The depression was about to kick in and it finally did at the beginning of 2006. Ironically, I also found out I had Aspergers during that time. Unfortunately, most of the information I read about it was negative and stated that men with Aspergers either settle just to have someone in their life even if they aren't attracted to them or remain alone for life. Sites like Heartless b*****s International and reading about Brian Gilmartin's "Love-Shyness" research didn't help things.

I sometimes got asked things like "Do you have a girlfriend?", "Are you married?", "Do you have kids?", "Don't you want kids?", and "Are you and your girlfriend/wife interested in this/that?" and it got to where I dreaded going out into the social arena. When I would look up advice on dating, it would say I would either need to bulk up or else I would be a "wimp". I think a lot of single guys just get exasperated getting a lot of expectations and when they look up advice on what to do, the advice feels like punishment in disguise.



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14 Aug 2017, 1:07 am

MSBKyle wrote:
From what I have seen, women want a man more than anything else. Many women I have seen can't stand being alone. I have never dated, but I do know women who are like this. I know of a man who is on a dating site and the first thing a woman asks him is when he plans to get married. He tells them right away that he has no intentions of getting married. Most men today don't want to get married or have kids. It is women who want marriage and kids and most men don't want to commit. All a man wants is sex and then he is done with the woman. That is wrong too. A lot of men want their space and women, at least from what I have heard and seen, want a man by their side 24/7 or most of the time. Men and women are two totally different people. I think this is why many marriages and relationships don't last. Men and women are complete opposites and desire different things. Sometimes I think that people are better off alone. All men want is sex and women want a man to commit. Relationships seem complicating. Men and women need to learn to be happy with themselves and not be so clingy to one another. Men need to stop focusing on just the sex and women need to give men their space.


I'm on 2 dating sites and check Craigslist every day. Most women say they're independent and want space and in clingy men. So I don't think most women want a guy around 24/7. Quite frankly I wonder why they want a bf if they don't ever want him around, which is what comes to mind when I see independent and space.