Heart Break Support.

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Hi all,

Have found this site very helpful.

Trying to heal after a break-up. Found my mental health not to be so great in a relationship that ended up being a battle for both of us. Not because we didn't love each other but because of compatibility. I found some of the worse sides of myself. He's probably ND, me NT.

Really really tried to support my partner. He kind of knows he has aspergers but won't get diagnosed or try to understand neurotypical too much. He left his mum's house and hasn't been doing well with work, university and our relationship fell apart massively to do with his inability to move forwards and total refusal to accept help.

Also we hit some completely insane life stress.

Doesn't seem to get the idea of a joint future or doing stuff together. I guess I'm left with the nasty shock of realising that it might not be the love of my life after all. Things have changed so much for the worse.

Broke my heart to finish it but things didn't seem right and I don't think we were treating each other right by the end of it.

Basically I'm in need of some support. I tried my utmost to understand his aspergers but don't think I got the same in return. I got shut out when I was really emotionally vulnerable and feel quite damaged.

Need a bit of support from some people who understand.

I tried really hard but sometimes trying doesn't work.

I thought if I could understand aspergers it would work out but I couldn't bend myself into something I'm not and found the isolation and times when my feelings weren't considered just too hard.

Think I didn't always do too well either.

Basically I'm pretty devastated. Took me a lot of courage to believe in love again and it's gone drastically wrong. I still really really love him but couldn't sustain it.

I understand that can suck...I can't say I ever had a break up with anyone I got to the point of feeling like they were my true love. But I have had some kind of rough ones, One of the worst was a guy who I dated but didn't get to the point of confirming we were boyfriend and girlfriend, just when I thought it was maybe getting close to that time he just didn't talk to me for an entire week. I was worried that something had happened to him, lost sleep over it...then after that week he sends me a message that says 'oh I don't think I am interested in anything long term with you.' and also basically that they wouldn't mind still getting together for sex still. So yeah that was upsetting, but it was so off putting that it helped me get over him.

Then there was one guy I did really like, and really hoped for something long term. But he had too much on his plate for me I guess. He had a child with another ex who he was still in contact with and she sounded kind of 'possessive' still like one time she was going to come by so he could see the kid and he requested I not be there so she wouldn't get all pissed. Also he was having some financial trouble and such and decided to go to California when his apartment lease was up to stay with friends there till he could get on his feet. I wanted to go with him...but he didn't want to 'drag me down with him'. He ended up just packing up and leaving and not even telling me what day or coming to say goodbye.' I called him and then he confirmed it was over at least of the time being, he did also apologize for just leaving like that. That was certainly pretty devastating, because how much I came to care about him...and there was just nothing I could do to make it work out.


But it doesn't last forever, I am in a good relationship now...years later and well kind of makes those break ups less significant. So try not to lose hope you could still meet someone things will work with some-day, also try not to beat yourself up over not being able to do more to make it last and such.

I'm sorry for your loss. It was probably for the best.

He didn't seem like he was ready for the sort of relationship you wanted.

An Aspie probably is one whom you can use as a "model" for what romance is like; therefore, it would be absurd to lose faith in love because of the non-romantic aspects of Aspies.

I'm not perfect in this arena--so I know! LOL

Hugs

Some questions if I may. What was his inability to move forward and how didn't he consider your emotions. Isolation? So he was distant?

If you don't feel up to answering those it's ok. Sorry your hurting

Hi,

Thanks, I'm really appreciating these replies.

We did have a very strong love and I think it was true love but it probably wasn't sustainable. I don't think he understood keeping promises well.

Moving forward: I think it's when I spell out things I find really really difficult like staying up at night playing computer games and that it was threatening the relationship and him not moving quickly to fix it. Our timetables weren't together, we had different views on money, I was carrying way too much in the relationship

He was very distant yes. I ended up getting very upset due to some trauma I went through and when I was crying and upset he would shut me out and cut off when I really needed encouragement and then this would make me unwell.

We didn't sleep in the same bedroom much by the end. I found his routines stressful and we both ended up with sleep problems.

He was struggling with his life too and me pointing out that many of his struggles might well be related to aspergers upset him, mostly because he agreed and was struggling to come to terms with it.

I withdrew too from pain. Felt very rejected a lot. When we did spend time together he'd often be on a forum or screen.

I realised I didn't want to go on holiday alone and felt like he wouldn't be the supportive father I hoped. He found new situations stressful and I always organised the adventures. His confidence dropped with this.

We both wanted kids. He was being irresponsible with money and his health and I was working very hard to sort my health out. Didn't feel we'd make a good team. I miss him a lot and love him still.

Felt he was very passive and avoidant.

We went to an awful couples counsellor who handled the Aspergers issue badly and played on all my fears. We were both grieving our cat at the time and I had to go to hospital too.

He kind of ended up spending more time with the cat when I was done out with grief, illness and pain.

Kind of bounced off each other in a bad way in the end.

Thanks for the support.

The cat was a new cat that moved in. He gets on with cats better than people. A new person who was challenging moved into our house share which destabilised me when I was grieving. The cats were being treated carelessly by the owner. He ended up taking more care of the cats than me and it was too much. I was going to hospital and it became too lonely.

I try to keep my promises or not make ones I can't keep. Stuff happens though :/

Did you not like him playing video games at all or the staying up all night ?
He spent too much I'm guessing?

That's quite odd to me. I can't stand women crying, makes me sad. I dont know what to do besides hug and listen though. Aspies I think but atleast me have a hard Tim social expressing our empathy I guess it's called. I feel for people but i dont know how or what to do. I dont know what's acceptable either. I can't shut people out though. Seems so odd he wouldn't comfort you, though perhaps he does r like any physical touch like some aspies.

I could see that if he played all night. I personally can't sleep if there's light on in the room.

Sounds like he was obsessed with the forums and tv/pic. It's easy to get sucked into games. I sometimes stay on them too long and end up getting less sleep. But I also use them to combat my loneliness. Balancing my hobbies and time with gf is something that worries me. Based on my only experience I felt me and her spent too much time together, how do nts balance it? I have a hard time being rude. So I wasn't sure how to be like I want to play games.or I need to check the forums. Felt I needed to constantly entertain her.

New situations are anxiety inducing:p that's weird, I'd thought he'd be more likely do that. I always planned stuff while my friends preferred to just wing it. But aspies are different I guess

Trying to lose weight or just eat healthier? Either is challenging I find. If the weight I must warn you don't slip up. I lost weight back when I had motivation, I cut snacks and soda completely. But then I slipped. I started drinking energy drinks to keep awake at work and then I was readdicted. I'm trying to cut them again now and it's tough.

I dont know I'd got to a couple counseling , shows and stories always make it out to favor the woman. :s

Are you better now? Hospital aren't fun places.

That's rather horrible of him. I watched wife swap and this one family spent more time with their bird then their son. He should bee hugging and cuddling your more. Preparing meals and brining them to you maybe small presents or flowers to cheer you up.

Hope the best for you , thanks for putting up with my questions and sorry this happen .

Hi thanks for the reply,

I think he didn't have a great childhood either which affected things. I think both parents particularly his Dad broke promises and he didn't have good modelling. His mum is nice but hard to figure out, she's pretty fierce. His Dad is absent from his life mostly. He really only likes having one friend. He'd theoretically like more but in practice it's hard for him I think.

I don't think I was great and did push him away too as I just had so much to cope with in a short period of time. When we got together I was happy carrying the social load but as life stress stacked up it became exhausting and frustrating.The isolation kicked in. I wasn't getting a network back the other way... he didn't like spending time with either parents and didn't introduce me to his one friend. Liked being secretive. The way I write about him it sounds like he's not nice but he is very sweet and kind and a good friend and loyal.

My crying did upset him and he did try to make me happy but I was grieving and got depressed and just needed to cry. He was good with hugs but it was when I needed active empathy it was hard. I couldn't tell him what to do then it felt just too frustrating I needed him to offer me something. He didn't always hug (wanted to get back to the computer I think)

I realised he did feel and I couldn't say he lacked empathy but his response time was very slow and as it got more stressful and he was struggling with demands of adult life it shut down more (his course, paying rent, seeking a job, family commitments, relationship demands)

I think he got frustrated with not knowing what is acceptable and I did too. He'd approach other women in a way that made me feel jealous but I know there really wasn't anything in it. It was just getting spacing for standing wrong and trying to be fair. Seemed like he sided with other people not me but that wasn't it really. I think with stress it tapped into jealousy for me loads and my other insecurities around the relationship really made it a problem. I don't understand it myself. Got better with couples counselling.

I do think the couples counsellor sided with me and wasn't balanced which is partially why it was a bad experience. I didn't want uneven ground. She thought she knew him but didn't and really pushed on the diagnosis instead of trying to find another route through. I really thought that it would help us work through it but it broke it. I feel bad for him too that it was such an awful experience. I'm grateful he was willing to go.

I think he found not being able to play video games difficult so would shuffle it back into the night (sometimes he'd be up till 6am and frequently slept till 4pm). I didn't even mind him playing them. Just don't like them much myself. I think he found me even saying that hard I have fibromyalgia and was advised not to look at screens much so I stopped playing them completely. . I didn't ever say don't play them though. I think this is an ingrained pattern from before we got together (staying up all night)

The crying I think he found physically stressful and he didn't like that he couldn't make it stop. I wanted a hug but to let it out I think.

I think he felt we spent too much time together but I didn't feel it was enough. I'd go away for 4 days to visit friends and the same week he'd say he just wanted some time to himself. And I was like but I've been away. When he did spend time it was watching T.V for hours in a big stretch and it was like he got locked into that. I wouldn't have minded if he'd have gone then when I was doing something else. It's more like direct conversation, the eye contact and going to do stuff mattered. I'm a spontaneous person and when life is busy setting out a plan for him felt like a strain for me. Or if he'd set a plan it was rigid and he'd get upset if it wasn't executed in the right way.

I did mess up too, not all him and looking back I'm concerned by how I behaved at points. I think i was in too deep and trying to understand Aspie but finding it too hard where my heart and emotions were involved. Also there were our personal historys, insane stress and compatibility as factors.

With my health yes exercising more, reconditioning after injury and long-term extreme stress. Going to hospital. I'm not better yet, it's a chronic diagnosis so I need to come to terms with that.

I think his connection with the cat was related to his loneliness and grieving the death of our own cat. I think he just wanted comfort when the relationship was going wrong but it ended up just shutting me out more when I was just desperate for love and connection. He said he was looking after the cat and keeping it happy. But I ended up not looked after and unhappy. He did get me little gifts but I did say I wanted more flowers over the almost four years we were together. He'd buy them after an argument but it wasn't the same. They really matter to me. I think I got one a year and no valentine. He liked getting a valentine but refused to get me one as it's a hallmark day. Weird it made him happy though huh.

I'm sure he's addicted to screens and computer games but won't even acknowledge it's a problem so what can I do? Also his routines are out of control when anxiety gets high and he gets locked on. It's too painful for him to address currently. I tried to help him. He would fold up toilet paper and put it down the toilet and put card board tubes inside each other but to him this is normal behaviour. To everyone else it's strange and he'd clog up the bathroom and block the loo. Really really stressful as a partner and as someone who needs the bathroom.

His drive for routines over rode what ever was going on emotionally especially when I was very emotional and needed support. Like a weird catch 22. Have heard this is common is ND/NT relationships. It would leave me feeling bereft and rejected. He'd walk out on an interaction to fold toilet paper. Very hard to handle!

He's having a really hard time with diagnosis and is blocked off to support/help. He doesn't even agree with pigeon holing people but things do get better when he rings a helpline.

An example of how he did do nice things was he started baking biscuits for me. This would take him a long time but then he was really obsessed with me eating them. I don't want biscuits everyday and the pressure put me off. I got a sick bug and he was still trying to force me to eat biscuits as he didn't get that it was off putting. Even after I explained it, his agenda for me eating the biscuits was overriding me saying "later" or "not now". This was repeatedly quite difficult for me: him setting out how things should be done e.g. how a walk should go, if we had planned to go to an exhibition but I wasn't feeling well, adapting or changing plans. Think the planning is very Aspie and can be difficult for NT. I would try to set out plans for him to make it easier but couldn't do this all the time and found sticking to his very difficult. And him not picking up on how i felt about it even harder!

Hope this is helping some Aspie's get into the NT world better.

Goes with any relationship to some extent but think it's more exacerbated in NT/ND interactions.

5 months after my girlfriend & i got back together,she emotionally sent me over the edge that i hated her so much for it,and i emotionally reacted to every sad music that reminded me of her that i hear

It's difficult. I guess that's the risk of a romance for anyone. Our hearts are fragile things. Music is very emotive. I felt like that before when sad music just had a really powerful hold on me. Sorry you got so hurt.

Thanks for everyone who has contributed it's helping me heal for sure. And it's really good for me to hear from Aspie perspective.