The sum of my entire adult life.....

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.....has been nothing more than a never ending search for external validation.

I will be talking to a therapist about this tomorrow. This is no way to be living.

The only verification I should be seeking is my own. I should work on being who I want to be. Thing is, I don't know what I want. That can make this tricky.

Maybe, to be more exact, I have not really allowed my mind to explore what it is I want for myself. I have always settled for what is familiar. But I am not finding what I am looking for in the comfort of familiarity.

I did spend some time outside today, though. Which is a break from the usual weed and Xbox weekend routine. I ate Pad Thai by myself and read some Salman Rushdie while waiting for my food.

I know I do not want more of the same. I know I want to give of myself without being a doormat. I want to let others in the same boat know I am there for them I want to give and receive no credit or praise for it. Well, that could be enough to start with.

Well, today I saw my therapist. Then, on the way home, I stopped off at a church and filled out an application to volunteer by serving dinner to the homeless a couple of nights a week. It's a start. I need to get outside of my own head, since there is a massive world beyond my perceptions.

My life as a minor was extremely rough. The only denial concerning that comes from my family. But my family is only my problem now if I allow them to be. Things used to be in such a way that anybody could do whatever they wanted to me (physical, sexual and psychological abuse), and my mother would always fight to make sure there was nothing I could realistically do about it. Things are not like that anymore. Realistically, my PTSD is the only chain keeping me connected to those events. And I am working on that with a therapist.

Volunteering probably will be the first step of a larger journey for me. Away from the nonstop weed smoking and video gaming sessions, away from the endless sperging on internet forums..... I just might start finding out who I want to be in the process.