She says her parents won't let her date me

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There are not many women in my area who I think are good matches for me. I'm a geek and everyone else is a hillbilly. I found a girl on Tinder (who is looking for a boyfriend not a hookup) and she sounds like the perfect match for me. She likes to read play video games and watch anime, and also she is really pretty. I told her I want to date her and she says she wants to date me too, but her parents don't want her t odate anybody. She says we would have to meet in secret and she doesn't even know when we could because her parents don't hardly let her leave the house except for work and they drive her there. We couldn't tell anybody we're dating, especially not her parents because they would make her break up with me. We can text all day long but she can't even talk to me on the phone because she's afraid her parents will hear. She is 21 and still living with her parents and doesn't want to move out. Am I wasting my time?

Waste of time. Leave it alone.

On the one hand, maybe she's legit. Real. If so, what's going on her parents don't want her dating? Why doesn't she want to move out? Either there is something seriously wrong with her that you wouldn't want to end up in a serious relationship anyway, or her parents are total nutjobs you don't want to have to deal with. Either way, she's not datable material.

On the other hand, perhaps more likely: You're getting catfished.

Personally, I would stop contacting this person. It just flat won't work.

Thats what I'm afraid of. She seems legit but every time I ask about meeting her it becomes a pity party. Boo hoo my step dad hates me. Boo hoo my mom loves my step dad more than me. Boo hoo my step dad won't let me leave the house and doesn't want me to date. It feels like Im talking to Cinderilla.

It just really hurts because like I said im the black sheep here. All the women want some country boy who will take them hunting and to football games and their favorite kind of car is a tractor. I finally found someone who would be a good fit and she acts like THIS.

Geeky girls are out in the big world. Sometimes you just have to search further a field. So don't let this one minor thing set you back. Besides from what I could work out people generally just want to hook up rather than anything serious from Tinder.

I have to agree with AngelRho though as it sounds like your being catfished. Which highly sucks If someone sounds to good to be true they generally are, there are very few exceptions to this.

I can't even begin to tell you what a pain in the butt this girl is. I had girls string me along like this many times. You online friend sounds ridiculously immature, messed up in the head, or a psychopath who enjoys wasting a man's time. If she liked you, I can say for a fact she would not be doing this to you. She sees you as an online-only diversion at best, and an gulluble victim to toy with at worst. None of her excuses even seem legit. She can't leave home or talk on the phone, but she can still text and use the internet? I mean, really? Even elderly persons are tech-savvy enough nowadays to shut off those channels too, if they want to keep their daughter prisoner. Their 21-year-old daughter, mind you.

So based on the lines she fed you, she'd be nothing more than a texting buddy to you. All while she's out having sex with men (heck, or women) she has the hots for. You're probably looking for a real-life girlfriend, or at least an activity partner; don't settle for a texting buddy.

Now, there is a slim chance she's genuine. But if her parents prohibit her to date, getting anywhere with her, sexually or otherwise, will be like pulling teeth. Do you really want to go through hell and back every time you want to see a movie with her or something?

"She"?

This seems to be a familiar pattern on at least this website. *sigh*

A couple of things:

When seeking a mate, your focus has to shift from what you want to what you want for someone else. I come from the red clay hills of Mississippi and ended up transplanted to the Delta. Much different mindset. And I'm kinda music nerd type who doesn't really fit in ANY crowd to begin with. Even the weird people don't like me.

I'm just not a people person.

But the older I get, the more I realise I NEED other people to survive. I don't care a thing about hunting. And fishing in Delta streams considering the banned ag chemicals still lingering in the soil is just not a good idea. But I'm finding out that at least learning how to hunt would be useful for my children. So I'm taking steps to take up hunting to help put some different meat on the table and bond with my oldest kid. And then there's the social aspect of it. I depend on community support (I'm a middle and high school teacher), and hunting trips are one way of schmoozing with people who have money.

I'm horribly out of shape. But my wife got me addicted to running. So now I take at least one hour a day working out at the Y to keep my cardio up. Turns out there's a lot of people into running! And I like the changes I'm seeing with my body. Apparently so do other people.

I have a rare blood type, so I regularly try to donate components, specifically platelets. Obsessing over a good cause also--you guessed it--tied me in with my community support base.

I'm not a social person. I'm a white guy and a majority black area. I used to walk in an urban park while I was underemployed and I'd have my youngest kid with me. And I'd meet people, including women, and I'd ask them about themselves. Poverty is bad here. I don't fit in that culture, either. Race issues are still a bit tender around here, BUT we seem to get along better than some areas of the country. I'm willing to bet had I been single I could have gotten at least a lunch date just by meeting women in the park.

Because I have the same cultural story as Delta people? No. Because I'm an amazing athlete? No. Because I'm a gun nut who kills wild animals? No.

Because I take a small part of my time and invest in the lives of others. I stirred up a lot of interest in my music class by making a hip hop beat in real-time using a laptop and a cheap controller keyboard. I asked the nice girl at the park about work and got that she's a nurse, works the night shift, and went to community college. Had a long conversation with someone about how to train for a triathlon. Got lots of (conflicting) advice about hunting gear. Oh, btw, camo is a sensive area. Fact is, camo makes no empirical difference in the field, yet hunters are adamant about the best camo to use. Look, jeans and red flannel are just fine as long as you wear your hunter's orange. So talk about anything, just avoid camo debates.

By regular blood donations, I found out my hemoglobin was too low. So I started asking around about creative ways to prepare chicken liver. I learned a quick, easy way to make a 2-egg spinach omelet. Dirty rice. And I discovered a killer homemade seasoning for pinto beans for an easy red beans and rice recipe. Learned that vitamin C helps with non-heme iron absorbtion. Now my hemoglobin is well above acceptable levels. Oddly enough, my breathing has improved with cardio workouts, and I can comfortably push my heart rate when before I was getting some tightness in my chest.

But that's not the interesting part. The interesting part is the connections I made along the way. People who are not interested in me at all. But people who are experts in their fields, or at least hobbyists. People who KNOW stuff. And people who feel good and make themselves feel good showing off their knowledge and skill set. People who are about as mismatched from me as you can get. But we had some great conversations. And mainly it was me just sitting back, listening, and actually trying out their ideas. The cool part is people will stop and ask me how things are going with whatever.

Dating is the same thing, just more focused. I strongly recommend you do some homework on hunting, 4-wheelers, and college football stats. Not because YOU care. Because THEY care. If you want to get into dating REAL girls and not getting catfished, you want to invest some time in them. Local redneck girls are what you have available to you, so go with that. Otherwise, you need to relocate.

Besides, if the problem is not having key things in common, you might find you are more compatible than you realize.

I don't think that will work. If I start a relationship pretending to be interested in things I don't care about what happens when she finds out how I really feel? I can't fake enthusiasm for football and farm things forever and then she'll know I lied to her.

Amykitten, its strange but every tinder profile I look at says "I'm not here for a hookup" or "I want a relationship not a one night stand." Its weird because everyone tells me the girls on there are only looking for sex but I haven't found one like that yet.

Who says you're pretending? You dig the (hypothetical) girl or not?

It's not about whether you like something or not. It's all about what the potential date likes. I'm totally ag ignorant and don't really care. But if I'm in the same room with a farmer and ask how to get into farming, all of a sudden I've got a new best friend.

Or that redneck girl who likes to go muddin' on her 4-wheeler. I'd be, like, "y'know, I ain't never been muddin' in my life. Why don't you show me a thing or two Saturday and I'll buy dinner later?"

I get that's sensory overload for some of us. But the effect is tremendous on the opposite sex. Here you are, a grown man, completely vulnerable, putting your very life in the hands of some adrenaline-addicted hillbilly chick. They LOVE that. And if you're lucky she'll teach you how to drive without killing yourself or anyone else.

Like I said, you don't have to like it. You just have to like HER. Everything else will sort itself out.

I don't understand this. If you both like doing different things what do you do when your together? Either one of you is having fun or the other is. If you dont share the same hobbies and interests theres no way both of you can have fun at the same time. That makes spending time together a sacrifice. I feel like relationships should be built on mutual benefits and sacrifices should come later. Not making sacrifices just to be together and keep making sacrifices just to stay together.

You're thinking too black-and-white. It's not either/or in reality. The fundamental question is about how important someone is to you.

Keep it on a basic level. Do you want to date? Don't worry about specifics, not about any one girl. Is getting a real, non-catfish date important? If it is, being picky isn't really your concern. The only way you can get a date is if she knows that she's important to you. You are interested in what she's interested in.

And, I mean, you don't even have to hide it. "You're into underwater basket-weaving? Ummm...how can that possibly be cool? Hey, you know what? Why don't you show me sometime and see if you can prove to me how awesome underwater basketweaving is? I'm free tomorrow. Oh, and if I enjoy it even a little, I'll buy you lunch. How's that?" And of COURSE you're going to have fun--not because of the pointless activity, but because you're into HER. And thus you're going to buy her lunch.

Now, she'll probably think you're just faking it. Maybe you really are. Girls can smell that kind of thing, and if you don't follow it up with something GENUINE, you won't get a second date. But if you follow that formula, i.e. finding a way to spend more time together, she'll be really impressed that you at least went to the effort to show her a good time and make her feel special.

I don't believe in sacrifices in relationships. I think a better term is compromise. Because with compromise you do have to give up something to settle for something that doesn't really make you happy.

Do you want to get a date? Then make friends with a girl, ANY available girl (barring psychosis, of course), and find out what she likes. Learn all you can without harassing her. Get her to share just a little bit of that part of her life with you. Reward her for letting you in.

Now, one of two things will happen. She will reciprocate, i.e. do something with you that YOU like. Or she won't. "No, I wouldn't really care for that." If she doesn't, you must decide how much you care about that. Maybe she's worth it, maybe not. For me, I'll do whatever just to chill with her for an evening and be perfectly ok. But if I have work to do and she wants to spend time with me, she'll be forced to do so on my terms--because, I mean, we do actually have a LIFE. If she really, 100% reciprocates, she's totally into you and doesn't care if things are weird. And, who knows? You might bump into a girl who likes to take the initiative. If she's into me, I'm less worried about common ground. Do you like me, yes/no? Like little kids in elementary school passing notes. That's all that matters. Just take it a day at a time after that.

It's not a sacrifice at all. Because you got what you wanted: time with her. You didn't really give up anything. You weren't busy, so you got to hang out. You may not have enjoyed the activity, but you didn't really lose anything.

Always put the other person first.

Now, YES, in a perfect world you have a lot in common. Nothing wrong with seeking a girl like your girl here. You won't always get catfished. But you waste too much time looking for the "perfect one" if you keep unreasonable standards. So you start with what's available.

Yes, I'm basing my ideas on a kind of redneck stereotype that may or may not be accurate. Everyone is different, of course. But be honest, what do you have most available to you? Girls like you, or girls into SEC football? I mean, come on, SEC football is the best in the nation. Seriously, if you can't find your match, get to digging. She's there. It might take a couple of college ball games to find her, but better that than spending a weekend alone.

You know the girls in your area better than I do. Give 'em an honest chance. You might be surprised.

Maybe we've been reading different materials, but these suggestions are very beta. And women hate beta males. Which means the OP will be shooting himself in the foot.

First off, "letting her know she's important to you" right off the bat is a supplicating act. He shouldn't be seeking her approval; he should be vetting her instead. Second, buying her lunch, for real? What year is it, 1987? Might as well call her landline and leave a message on the answering machine. (Just make sure you don't cut off her dial-up while she's browsing the Gopherspace.) Third, and worst of all, your description makes it sound like the OP buying the lady's time. That's not what it should be. If anything, he's investing a little bit of his time (emphasis on "a little bit") to properly vet her and decide if she's worth letting into his life.

Of course, most likely, none of this, my words or yours, will matter. The OP's lady friend sounds like a time-wasting class act. If I were him, I'd drop her and never look back. But a man learns best from his own mistakes.

It seems like this discussion has gone off track. WTH is wrong with this woman's parents? She may have a good reason to put up with it, but she's in a bad situation. She won't necessarily stay with you if you help her out, but you will have made the world a better place.

What do you expect me to do jrjones? break her out of her parents house? Beat them up for keeping her captive? Those sound like white knight fantasies. I think she's just being overdramatic.

Last edited by FunkyPunky on 15 Aug 2017, 7:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There are some odd dynamics at play here.

Could be a catfish.
Could be someone too scared to date so soon, seeing your enthusiasm as a red flag and giving you BS.
Or she generally could have a weird situation with her mom and stepdad. But mostly the stepdad....

At this stage I would be more concerned about their real identity. If you are willing to give this person the benefit of a doubt then you better prepare yourself for a long wait and hard work in bonding with them before you even meet.

All the best.