She says her parents won't let her date me

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Nah...Jones is right, too. Ease up. You can't assume one way OR the other. I'm not going to keep repeating myself, but if the family situation is really messed up, then you follow your conscience and intervene if you feel you can.

Kinda like how I tell my kids to be careful what they say around strangers, or even people they feel they can trust. One little misunderstanding and DHS will take you out of your home, split you up from your sibs, and place you in homes where the older kids sexually assault you. And I know this to be true, not just like the stories mom used to tell just to scare me into compliance when I used to threaten stuff. What happened was someone with a grudge started making false reports on us, so I do what I always do and obsess about it until I learned all I could.

Which brings me to my point: there's a time and place for everything. If you can imagine a situation in which the risk of sexual abuse and other horrible things are actually a step UP from where someone is, by all means get involved. Getting in between someone and her parents is heavy duty stuff.

If she really hates her parents, that's different. But parents normally have such sway over their kids that if you take her away and control her life, she'll resent you for it. Then you have to deal with parents weaseling their way in and controlling her at a distance. They meddle. And they'll make your lives miserable until they win. Unless you can run away and put 1,500 miles between her and the fam, you will have problems. You wanna be a white knight, you better think this stuff through all the way to the end.

And you can read everything else I wrote if you're interested in my opinion, but I'm pretty much done here.

Changing the subject slightly, whether you are really helping or being a Quixotic white knight, most every motivation has some ego-stroking intention behind it.

I split up with my ex back in April and while I haven't had any luck with online dating so far, breaking up with my ex was the right decision. She's 27 and though her parents allowed us to date, they clearly didn't want her dating, and they tacked on ridiculous rules that I just had enough of. It was months before I was allowed to be alone with her in my car, and I was never allowed to be alone with her at either of our houses.

The only people who should have a say in what you can and cannot do with the person you're in a relationship with, is you and that person. If the parents want to get involved that's a huge red flag. My ex would say "you have to understand my parents are very strict", to which my response was "it's not your parent's decision to make, it's yours". Well, she made the choice to keep letting her parents run her life, and now she's my ex.

She may seem like a princess atop a tower that you can save, but trust me when I say that it's 2017 out there and you want a female knight who can ride alongside you, like in a modern medieval drama. Damsels deserve to stay atop their tower until such time as they choose to pick up their sword and take charge of their own life. Even if that metaphor doesn't work for you, the point remains that you want someone who will be a companion, not some dead weight that will hold you back. Your end goal should not be to be tied down. It should be to find someone who can help you keep moving forward.

Just when I was about to give up on this section as full of people who refuse to learn or listen I see you get it. Congratulations! You just saved yourself years of headaches and frustration and learned a very valuable lesson. Bottom line is if you want to have some X-rated fun it's nobody's business but the person you are doing it with (in my case Mrs. GHF). Can you imagine being on your wedding night and having the in-laws knock on your honeymoon suite door repeatedly? Dictating to you how to raise your kids? Making you feel like a third wheel? That's the life you would have been in for.

It bears mentioning that you CANNOT SAVE SOMEONE ELSE. If you try to rescue, save or fix a woman (or man), disaster is almost certain to follow. If you absolutely must save someone, save yourself.

I think the only ones you can save are the ones who WANT to be saved AND know that they both need to be saved and CAN be.

Yes, there are some theological undertones there, but it's true in the same sense. You have to convince someone that they NEED to get out of a bad situation. Often they recognize the need, but they've felt hopeless long enough that they don't believe anyone can help them. The path of least resistance is always to stay in the toxic relationship with parents or an abusive SO, thus they don't see that there's a way out, even if the "white knight" is right in front of them, sword in hand, all doors open and all obstacles cleared. They will always hold back until they take the first step. Once they see a tangible way to escape, they can be helped.

Tross very likely could have succeeded, except I really don't think his girl wanted out. She liked it where she was too much. Sneak her out, have the marriage license ready, elope, and put 1,500 miles between her and the fam. If she could go along with that, you'd have a winner.

But I also suspect there's more going on than "really strict parents." I'm a really strict parent, so I don't buy it. I think she's trapped with parents because she's loony toonz. Certifiable. Not that we don't have issues, but I'm talking about a whole other level. As in burn your house down bad. As in hide the kitchen knives bad. Cersei Lannister bad. It's not in ANYONE'S best interest to rescue someone like that.

She is either 15 or a complete immature floor mop if she as an adult chooses to live by her parents dating rules.
Either way I would let this girl go.

And I can't thank you and everyone else who helped me out enough. Deep down I knew the situation wasn't going to get much better and I was just setting myself up for a future I did not want. And no, I don't think my ex really wants to be saved. I mean, she thinks she does, but in reality she really just wants a similar situation but with me being her captor. Yeah, no thanks. Speaking of the path of least resistance, that's precisely why I stayed in that toxic relationship for so long.

At least that whole debacle gave me an idea as to what I'm looking for in a partner. First and foremost I'm no longer interested in looking for a partner for the sake of having one. I've listened to pastors who say I shouldn't be looking for someone else to "complete me" anyways. My priority in life now is to keep being me and carry out what I believe to be my calling in life. I'm a Behaviour Interventionist who assists kids on the autism spectrum, and being an aspie myself seems to be helping more than I expected. My relationship search is on a back burner and it will stay that way. I think the path of least resistance I should follow is the one where I can live out the life I want and am called to, and if I meet someone else to share that journey with along the way, then great. I'm not going to deviate from that path just so I can potentially tick having a spouse off my checklist.

This could be "catfishing", especially since it's on Tinder, which seems more conducive to social "games" than even many other dating sites/apps, and especially compared to sites like Wrong Planet or Meetup where people are generally there for more than just dating.

However, it's also true that there's a certain kind of aspie/autistic girl who DOES tend to be restricted dating-wise by her parents even as an adult, directly or indirectly. I know because I've run into a few of them.

I've had major intertwined physical/mental health issues since adolescence that have greatly impeded my social development, along with the introversion that comes from AS itself. I also basically dropped out of life for years. Though I've somewhat re-entered "the world of the living", I would feel way out of my depth dating the average person with a high level of "worldly functioning". Therefore, the girls I'm attracted to tend to be lower functioning--not nonverbal or anything but just not performing in the world at a very high level, especially since my very high intelligence often belies the true extent of my impairment. I also relate to people who are close to their families, since I have lived with my family for the majority of my adult life, and people who have fully undergone the transition from family to peer group as a means of belonging are mostly unrelatable to me.

So one of the banes of my existence is overprotective parents. The last girl I was really into, she lived with her parents, couldn't drive, and apparently had some mild mental impairments as well. I met her first in person so there's nothing "fake" about her. I thought she wanted to date me, but she played this confusing "game" of sometimes showing lots of interest and sometimes "ghosting" me. At the end, when pressed, she said she wasn't interested, but I wonder how much her parents had to do with it. I realized quite early on that her parents answered Facebook questions directed at her before she had a chance to reply, and when I pointed out how rude this was to her, she seemed to not even care.

Another time, on a local Meetup site for people on the spectrum, I contacted one girl and she immediately asked me my age. When I told her, she said that she didn't want to talk because she was worried about getting into trouble by her parents. She was over 18, so legally there was no problem, but she still was restricted by a mere number in terms of whom she could talk with, right off the bat. I know another girl, she's actually the same exact age as me, and is like myself in that she seems very intelligent and high-functioning in person, but had problems dealing with the real world when she was younger. She's stuck in a group home with people, many of whose IQs seem 40 or 50 points lower, and that severely restricts her freedom in dating.

I do notice also that it seems there are an amazingly high percentage of girls on the spectrum who don't rebel against parents/their upbringing the way other girls would in their situation. Like there's this girl I met in grad school, she comes from a strict Asian family and they actually pushed her TO date, but with lots of restrictions. Now she lives on another continent from her family, and while she enjoys being able to date only if and when she wants to, she lets herself still be bound by all sorts of propriety rules. She has a PhD-level intellect, so for the life of me I don't get why she hasn't questioned all this, when even my guy friend (possibly also on the spectrum) who was raised in a fundamentalist Baptist family did a "180" in undergrad and tried on various radical anarchist ideologies.

Well I tried doing what you guys said. I found a girl who had different hobbies than me and started chatting with her. I spent practically the whole time asking about the things she's interested in even though I'm not. We set up a date for today. I thought it might actually work. But then this morning she texts me and says she's canceling the date because we're so different and have nothing in common. Now what?

Text her back something like "Phew, I wanted to cancel too but I was worried to hurt your feelings. Thank you for saving the day!".

She's a flake. Be glad you're rid of her. Now go try again with a different girl. This takes time, so dig in and be patient.

Now, what I want to know is if she wouldn't go out with you, how does SHE know you're too different? Are you disclosing that you aren't interested and have nothing in common?

The overarching principle here is the Golden Rule. Do for others as you would have them do for you, right? Reciprocity. It works because everyone wants something. Everyone wants to feel important. So apply the Rule. If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy. If you want to be rich, be generous. If you ARE rich, influential, or powerful, people expect a lot from you. The less you have, the lower the expectation. On the one hand, you'd think that rich people have it easy. Well, of COURSE a girl will say yes to that guy. But a high expectation comes with that. Simply having a lot of money isn't going to make that pressure go away. Take Trump, for instance. He's got a lot of money and he's the President. He's done a lot, but he can't win over Congress. While he poses no direct danger for most people, people are coming out of the woodwork in violent protests just because the president's name is Trump.

I'm perpetually broke, so people don't expect much from me. I don't carry that weight. I don't have much influence. So when people find out how nice I am to people, or when I play a gig, or when my students play a concert, it catches people by surprise.

It doesn't have to actually be GOOD. But I do get a lot of praise and I have to REALLY reciprocate with even more gratitude, and all I did was stick my neck out for someone else, usually for a lot of people at once. Maybe I don't have money or influence. I have a whole LOT of nothing. And when you literally have NOTHING, you have NOTHING to lose. I can get away with things other people can't because my life and livelihood don't depend on the approval of others. So for me, I get their approval just for showing up. That is something rich people can't do.

Am I making any sense? If you start at ground zero, if you're down so far that bottom looks like up, you've only got one way to go. We live in the age of participation medals, so rest assured you get SOMETHING out of trying, even if you fail in achieving your ultimate goal right away. You tried. Now you have to live with that expectation. Try AGAIN. Runners enjoy hanging up their finishing medals, even if they don't make it to the podium. They look forward to the next 5k, 10k, and then take 3 days off just before the half-marathon and celibrate that they didn't hit "the wall" THIS time.

So one girl flaked out on you. Big deal. You had the courage to ask and get an initial acceptance. Rinse and repeat. And let's find out what we can do better next time.

If you want girls to go out with you, you need to be interesting. Doesn't matter what you have in common. In order to be interesting, you must first BE INTERESTED. Not in what she does or likes, but in HER. And because you like HER, you want to dive into what she does. Doesn't mean you have to, say, take up knitting and make her a hat or scarf. It just means when she shows you what she knitted, you darn well better be amazed by it.

Just remember frequent rejection is just all part of it.

And, by the way, I suspect, and I might be wrong, but I suspect that she's being less than honest with you. She didn't even give you a CHANCE. Something else is going on. Could be an ex-bf called her up. Could be she was crushing on some other guy who asked her out. Could be friends/family giving her a hard time. Could be a hurricane. Could be anything. Keep at it. The right girl will come around.

Ignore her. My wife and I have completely different hobbies and interests and that's a GOOD thing and if she can't see that it's her loss. Be glad you didn't have to waste your time with someone like this: it would be like writing a test where 99% is the pass mark: in short not enjoyable in any way. Mark my words: it will probably happen again and again but consider it a victory: you made an honest attempt.

Not sure who suggested it is best to pursue girls who have entirely different hobbies and interests than you and nothing in common...but I disagree with them. I mean I don't find it surprising she backed out upon considering that you and her might on entirely different pages.

I'd say it is better to look for people with some simular interests, and at least a couple things in common. I mean I guess some people like the thrill of being with someone totally different but...I feel like you'd have to be a very outgoing/adventureous type neurotypical kind of person for that to work out.

Best bet would be a girl with some similar interests, who isn't an adult living as a child at home..with parents dictating whether they are allowed to date or not.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 28 Aug 2017, 12:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.

That's what I've been saying if we don't share any hobbies in common how are we going to have fun togeter? Either i'll have fun or she will but not both of us and that will make every date a sacrifice for one of us. But since these guys were so adamant about it and since there are so few girls around here who like the same things I do I decided to give it a try anyway.

Actually, men and women rarely share the same interests/hobbies.

One of the very few hobbies I find men and women like equally (gender ratio wise) is hiking and nature activities - but other than that, there are huge gender disparities.

Never hurts to try, but yeah sometimes being too different from someone can prevent things from going anywhere. Of course you may not find someone with exact same interests and hobbies...but even just a couple similar ones can make a difference or if they have an interest/hobby you don't know a lot about but are curious about that can certainly be helpful to.

What about going to concerts...I thought men and women loved that when its a band they like.