Help with a potential first date

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Bataar
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14 Aug 2017, 9:22 pm

So there's this female coworker of mine. She's really nice and I enjoy talking to her, generally just limited to work related subjects. I knew she likes baseball, as do I, so I asked her if she wanted to go to a game. She said yes so we're going tomorrow. My one concern is that, while I would definitely like to think of it has a date, she might be thinking of it as merely going to a game with a coworker. Being that body language is as foreign to me as Mandarin Chinese and socializing in general is difficult, I thought I'd reach out to others who might be familiar with my situation to see about getting some insight.



Amity
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15 Aug 2017, 10:02 am

It's a hard one to answer, I'm not great with these things either. Maybe don't think of it as a date, but still be thoughtful around her, small things like swapping seats to give her a better view, having snacks that she likes, extra water in case she is thirsty, being aware of her comfort etc. These kinds of things are subtle but I think women appreciate them and if it's not a date then no bothers, you behaved like a gentleman.
It's an opportunity to get to know her personality better, something I also think women appreciate. I hope it goes well for you.



Bataar
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16 Aug 2017, 11:49 pm

Well, for what it's worth, it went confusingly well. We both had a good time and had fun. We talked a lot about various topics. She told me about her family and friends among other things. It was great. I didn't have any pictures of her to show my family so I looked her up on Facebook. She didn't have much available information but she had a couple of pictures so all's good. A while later, I received a notification that she accepted my friend request. I must have accidentally tapped the link to send a request because it definitely was unexpected. Now that I'm on her friends list I can see a lot more of her profile including the fact that she has a boyfriend. That's obviously the confusing part.

I've known her for a year and she's never mentioned a boyfriend, not even in passing and she never mentioned him at all while we were out together. I'm kind of at a loss now as to how I should proceed. I was going to see if she wanted to get together and go for a hike or something, but now . . . . . . I don't know.



Chronos
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17 Aug 2017, 12:03 am

Bataar wrote:
So there's this female coworker of mine. She's really nice and I enjoy talking to her, generally just limited to work related subjects. I knew she likes baseball, as do I, so I asked her if she wanted to go to a game. She said yes so we're going tomorrow. My one concern is that, while I would definitely like to think of it has a date, she might be thinking of it as merely going to a game with a coworker. Being that body language is as foreign to me as Mandarin Chinese and socializing in general is difficult, I thought I'd reach out to others who might be familiar with my situation to see about getting some insight.


Why does it have to be a "date"? Wouldn't it be more relaxing if it were just you two going to a ball game and getting to know each other a little better outside of work?



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17 Aug 2017, 4:24 am

Chronos wrote:
Bataar wrote:
So there's this female coworker of mine. She's really nice and I enjoy talking to her, generally just limited to work related subjects. I knew she likes baseball, as do I, so I asked her if she wanted to go to a game. She said yes so we're going tomorrow. My one concern is that, while I would definitely like to think of it has a date, she might be thinking of it as merely going to a game with a coworker. Being that body language is as foreign to me as Mandarin Chinese and socializing in general is difficult, I thought I'd reach out to others who might be familiar with my situation to see about getting some insight.


Why does it have to be a "date"? Wouldn't it be more relaxing if it were just you two going to a ball game and getting to know each other a little better outside of work?


So he doesnt is mislead her with false intentions.

If a man gets to know you then reveals he actually has feelings for you and becomes upset when you're forced to reject him if you don't feel the same, wouldn't you feel a little mislead thinking you made a brand new friend only for him to stop speaking to you immediately after being rejected?



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17 Aug 2017, 4:26 am

Bataar wrote:
Well, for what it's worth, it went confusingly well. We both had a good time and had fun. We talked a lot about various topics. She told me about her family and friends among other things. It was great. I didn't have any pictures of her to show my family so I looked her up on Facebook. She didn't have much available information but she had a couple of pictures so all's good. A while later, I received a notification that she accepted my friend request. I must have accidentally tapped the link to send a request because it definitely was unexpected. Now that I'm on her friends list I can see a lot more of her profile including the fact that she has a boyfriend. That's obviously the confusing part.

I've known her for a year and she's never mentioned a boyfriend, not even in passing and she never mentioned him at all while we were out together. I'm kind of at a loss now as to how I should proceed. I was going to see if she wanted to get together and go for a hike or something, but now . . . . . . I don't know.


When was the most recent image of her with her "boyfriend" posted?

If it was several months ago they could be broken up by now.

Or does she have no photos with a boyfriend but her Facebook says "in a relationship"? Take those with a grain of salt, people forget to update their information etc.



AngelRho
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17 Aug 2017, 6:36 am

Haha! Maybe she thinks you're her bf! ;-)

Seriously, though, don't get bent out of shape over it. A date is a date, and I don't care what people say. You made an arrangement to see someone one-on-one (though group dates count, too), you enjoyed each other's company, you learned more about each others. Issa date, bro!

Although CALLING it that with certain connotations might be off-putting if she's not that interested right now. So getting together to "hang out" for now is fine. It can always lead to something else later.

Boyfriend, schmoyfriend. Where was he when you took her to the game? Fuggedaboudit. Wait for her to bring it up. Meanwhile, ask her out again. See what happens. Maybe something, maybe nothing. You gotta try.



AngelRho
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17 Aug 2017, 6:50 am

Outrider wrote:
Bataar wrote:
Well, for what it's worth, it went confusingly well. We both had a good time and had fun. We talked a lot about various topics. She told me about her family and friends among other things. It was great. I didn't have any pictures of her to show my family so I looked her up on Facebook. She didn't have much available information but she had a couple of pictures so all's good. A while later, I received a notification that she accepted my friend request. I must have accidentally tapped the link to send a request because it definitely was unexpected. Now that I'm on her friends list I can see a lot more of her profile including the fact that she has a boyfriend. That's obviously the confusing part.

I've known her for a year and she's never mentioned a boyfriend, not even in passing and she never mentioned him at all while we were out together. I'm kind of at a loss now as to how I should proceed. I was going to see if she wanted to get together and go for a hike or something, but now . . . . . . I don't know.


When was the most recent image of her with her "boyfriend" posted?

If it was several months ago they could be broken up by now.

Or does she have no photos with a boyfriend but her Facebook says "in a relationship"? Take those with a grain of salt, people forget to update their information etc.

Indeed, could be anything. Could be a problematic ex she wants to leave her alone, so she fakes having a bf to encourage him to back off. Could be she doesn't like getting hit on over FB, so the bf status keeps the creeps at bay. If she went out with you once, I wouldn't worry about it or even mention it unless she brings it up first.



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17 Aug 2017, 7:30 am

I took (crazy ex) to a hockey game for our first date. In hindsight, it was obvious she was into me but I was too bloody naïve to see it. If a woman touches you on a date (and it's not obviously accidental), she is interested in you. If she laughs at your lamest joke, she is interested. If you lean into her and she doesn't lean away, she is interested. Finally, she might not say anything but the eyes don't lie: if her pupils dilate or she looks down suddenly at her lips, she is REALLY into you.

I hope you don't avoid her on a silly technicality such as relationship status. I may easily have forgotten to change mine when I broke with with crazy. Even if you are wrong and she doesn't see you as relationship material you have gained valuable experience. Who knows? Maybe she might even have a single friend who would be interested in you and send them your way without you even knowing it?

It was devastating when my last GF broke up with me as she only really saw me as a friend at best and I was wrong about her intentions but the experience gained eventually led me to my now wife.



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17 Aug 2017, 11:40 am

Outrider wrote:
Bataar wrote:
Well, for what it's worth, it went confusingly well. We both had a good time and had fun. We talked a lot about various topics. She told me about her family and friends among other things. It was great. I didn't have any pictures of her to show my family so I looked her up on Facebook. She didn't have much available information but she had a couple of pictures so all's good. A while later, I received a notification that she accepted my friend request. I must have accidentally tapped the link to send a request because it definitely was unexpected. Now that I'm on her friends list I can see a lot more of her profile including the fact that she has a boyfriend. That's obviously the confusing part.

I've known her for a year and she's never mentioned a boyfriend, not even in passing and she never mentioned him at all while we were out together. I'm kind of at a loss now as to how I should proceed. I was going to see if she wanted to get together and go for a hike or something, but now . . . . . . I don't know.


When was the most recent image of her with her "boyfriend" posted?

If it was several months ago they could be broken up by now.

Or does she have no photos with a boyfriend but her Facebook says "in a relationship"? Take those with a grain of salt, people forget to update their information etc.

She has photos posted with him as recent as last month. Like I said, it's confusing.



AngelRho
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17 Aug 2017, 1:28 pm

Bataar wrote:
Outrider wrote:
Bataar wrote:
Well, for what it's worth, it went confusingly well. We both had a good time and had fun. We talked a lot about various topics. She told me about her family and friends among other things. It was great. I didn't have any pictures of her to show my family so I looked her up on Facebook. She didn't have much available information but she had a couple of pictures so all's good. A while later, I received a notification that she accepted my friend request. I must have accidentally tapped the link to send a request because it definitely was unexpected. Now that I'm on her friends list I can see a lot more of her profile including the fact that she has a boyfriend. That's obviously the confusing part.

I've known her for a year and she's never mentioned a boyfriend, not even in passing and she never mentioned him at all while we were out together. I'm kind of at a loss now as to how I should proceed. I was going to see if she wanted to get together and go for a hike or something, but now . . . . . . I don't know.


When was the most recent image of her with her "boyfriend" posted?

If it was several months ago they could be broken up by now.

Or does she have no photos with a boyfriend but her Facebook says "in a relationship"? Take those with a grain of salt, people forget to update their information etc.

She has photos posted with him as recent as last month. Like I said, it's confusing.

That sucks.

But hey, y'know what? Pretend you never saw it. Ask her out again. I would not get my hopes up, of course, but I'd defo give it a shot.



Bataar
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02 Sep 2017, 5:01 pm

Well, I asked her if she wanted to do another activity and she declined and mentioned the boyfriend that time. Oh well, back to square zero.



AngelRho
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02 Sep 2017, 6:57 pm

Bataar wrote:
Well, I asked her if she wanted to do another activity and she declined and mentioned the boyfriend that time. Oh well, back to square zero.

All good. You gain nothing by not trying.

Though if you're truly evil you can ask her out as "just friends."

Sounds to me like that moment has passed. Just keep at. More fish...



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02 Sep 2017, 9:26 pm

AngelRho wrote:
Bataar wrote:
Well, I asked her if she wanted to do another activity and she declined and mentioned the boyfriend that time. Oh well, back to square zero.

All good. You gain nothing by not trying.

Though if you're truly evil you can ask her out as "just friends."

Sounds to me like that moment has passed. Just keep at. More fish...


It's not evil if you actually want to be friends, but if the reason you want to be friends is to try and take the place of said boyfriend...then it is.


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AngelRho
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02 Sep 2017, 9:38 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Bataar wrote:
Well, I asked her if she wanted to do another activity and she declined and mentioned the boyfriend that time. Oh well, back to square zero.

All good. You gain nothing by not trying.

Though if you're truly evil you can ask her out as "just friends."

Sounds to me like that moment has passed. Just keep at. More fish...


It's not evil if you actually want to be friends, but if the reason you want to be friends is to try and take the place of said boyfriend...then it is.

Yup. If she were to accept, even if it really was innocent, it puts the bf in a compromising position. If they spend a lot of time together, it APPEARS that she's cheating or he's trying to "steal" her. But if he speaks up about it, he's jealous and controlling.

It's a head game no bf needs. If I had a gf and some "friend" insisted on spending time with her, I'd say "it's him or me." If that's all it takes for her to run to another guy, I don't need her.

Of course, there's another way to handle it. I'd invite him on a date and buy him some interesting gift. I'd go out of my way to keep things as weird as I could until he leaves us both alone.

And, of course, if she still persisted in seeing him, well...the previous paragraph applies.



luminifera
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02 Sep 2017, 10:23 pm

You guys are being so funny! If she has a boyfriend, she obviously never thought of the baseball game as a date, but as casually going out with a friend. OP, the bad news are: she's unavailable! The good news are: you gained experience and can now look for other women to date! Good luck <3