Letting extended family go

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I have some extended family of my dad's side who has wanted nothing to do with my family for various reasons and one of them is not wanting anything to do with me because I am autistic. Why? They have seemed to think that aspies all have a lack of empathy and go off for no reason. They chose this because they saw me having a few meltdowns when I was younger. Why it was so bad that when I lived a few miles away, I wasn't allowed to go over to their home or even associate with them period.

14 years later, we decided to send cards back and forth while I had tried to correspond on a few occasions only to get ignored. Rather, I feel like the card gesture on their end is more of an obligation out of politeness. Otherwise, the cards and the letters are not only boring but also feel cold and superficial.

Though I had tried to reach out and give them the opportunity to get to know me, they always refuse. So, I decided to write them a letter by letting them know that I am not going to chase them anymore and that I have felt that the cards feel more like an obligation. I finally said that maybe we aren't a good fit for each other being that we have brought out the worst in each other many times. I wished them well and said that I hoped they understood.

I would advise against writing a letter in this case, since they would likely take that as a dramatic gesture. Just say to yourself - f**k 'em. They are not worth expending any further energy on. If you really want to show 'em, just live your life how you want to live it and give them the notice they deserve, which is zero.

I would have left out the part about "brought out the worst in each other many times" since that could trigger more of the same, but I see nothing wrong with your efforts in trying to find some closure. I had always so-very-much wanted to be better-accepted by extended family, but none of us knew anything about autism at the time and today I "share the blame", so to speak, in relation to how things actually turned out.

I didn't want to write that letter to them and I feel bad about having to write. At the same time, I had wanted to write it as a way of setting boundaries with them. They haven't really respected me as a person and there comes a time where one has to put their foot down and let them know that their actions aren't acceptable. I spent a good amount of time trying to chase and impress them just to get them to change their minds about me and I am not doing that anymore.

The other part of this is that these people have high degrees and some of the finest education but are ignorant when it comes to autism. Moreover, my uncle's mother-in-law evidently held prejudice against people with mental illness and anyone with a disability. She taught her daughter to avoid people like this. So now she is teaching my cousins to treat people the same way. In the last few years, I had given them plenty of opportunities by attempting to educate them about autism and I have gotten no response. So, I think it's time for me to let them have their way by letting them go and that letter is a way of acknowledging that I accept their bad choices though I disagree with what they are doing. If they want to hate people and spread it everywhere they go, then fine. That's not my problem.

I don't think there's any good to come of saying anything at all.

Just let it go, walk away, and wash your hands of it.

Some people, you just can't reach. And there is no fool like an educated fool, possessed of both certitude and supposed documentation of their supposed superiority.

They've already made up their minds. Nothing you can do or say is likely to change it. That's their fault, not yours. You can't teach stupid.

BuyerBeWare,
I see where you are coming from and I already sent the letter but at this point I don't care what their reaction is and if they want to throw a hissy fit about this then more power to them. All I know is that I don't have to deal with it anymore.

Actually, there really were times where these family members and I have brought out the worst in each other many times because there has been a long standing conflict that they don't want to let go of. In fact, they seem pick others apart.

On the other hand, I found a video on you tube with a life coach on family or friends who ignore us and how to handle them. One of the things that stood out is when a family member constantly ignores you is a sign that they are trying to manipulate the other party because they want them to act a certain was. It's also evidently common for someone who acts like that to be self-centered or self-absorbed. In other words, they take no interest in anymore else but love to talk about themselves. She also said that it's best if I start ignoring them but be polite at the same time while not telling them about your life. Rather, smile and say "Hi, nice to see you" before walking off. However, I live on the other side of the country which is a long long ways away so I don't have to see them. So, all I have to do is ignore them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jgC4xpW6z8

I finally came to that realization with my brothers. I've tried to extend the olive branch to them, only to have them turn around and beat the living sh!t out of me with it. As for my relatives on dad's side the family, with a few exceptions, I've washed my hands of them.

One of my grandfather's my father's father never wanted anything to do with me either.

To him I was "weird" apparently. He was also a Catholic and my mom is not and that was always a problem for him. Even the point he flat out would tell my dad I was not to come to his house unless I was with a certain cousin and question why I was such a loser an not like said cousin. I was good friends with this guy and he was very well liked by grandpa and everyone else. If the two of us were in the same room grandpa would tolerate me.

It was kind of hard for me to accept how much everyone disliked me. To realize that the only reason for anything was because I was with this one cousin. That's why I even got a polite hello from anyone. I don't know why I was friends with such a people person but as a kid I was.

I don't feel about it now though. I have not spoken to anyone of them in over 10 years besides one phone call on x-mas to grandpa and I have no desire to change that. Grandpa is dead now and hung up on me when I made the phone call. My dad begged me to do it.

It was very short. He asked who it was, I said who and merry x-mas. He said "ok bye" and hung up.

I also forgot to disclose a few other reasons why I wasn't allowed to be around my extended family after turning 18.

1. I had a violent temper with my mother and one of my sisters who pick fights and bully other people to the point of driving them over the edge and then blaming them and trying to find ways to destroy their reputation. I didn't know how to set boundaries with them the right way which resulted in physically attacking them. So they came up with the excuse that I am "Mentally ill" and "Crazy." They also spread it around about me. So, my aunt and uncle didn't want me making a scene in front of their daughters.

2. They have big piles of money, and when my uncle's mother-in-law was alive, she also told her daughter not to associate with anyone who was below upper middle middle-class. My parents were not high money so his mother-in-law got her wish after my grandfather died.

When I lived near them, I kept trying to improve myself with the hopes that things would get better. Yet, nothing happened other than a card and a few checks from my uncle. Meanwhile, my aunt and two cousins walked past me like I didn't exist along with treating me like a total stranger. Even interacting with him was standoffish and cold like he didn't want to be around me. Finally, they never called me to see how I was doing or anything because I was different.