Page 1 of 1 [ 11 posts ] 

CSquared29111
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jun 2015
Gender: Female
Posts: 4
Location: Tennessee

15 Aug 2017, 6:57 pm

So there's an adult support group that I go to once a month (different from the one I facilitate for the local Autism Society), and I've been the only girl for a while.

I remember when I first joined, it felt like a boys' club almost. They all talked about wanting new members so they could have girlfriends and how "hot" they thought girls were. Luckily for me I'm already engaged (to another autistic who lives in the UK), so it was easy to get out of that one - for the most part. They're still bad about boundaries: asking for pictures (after I said no) and sitting way way too close to me.

Does anyone else ever feel nervous in groups like that? It just made me feel really unsafe and uncomfortable, especially as a trauma survivor. Do you have any tips for dealing with it? I kinda feel like it's because autistic people aren't seen as being capable of having such relationships, and consequently aren't taught about consent and boundaries maybe? I've tried really hard to communicate plainly that it makes girls uncomfortable, but sometimes they don't seem to care.


_________________
Nothing about us without us.
Diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder in December 2016.

My blog can be found here: https://justkeepstimming.com


crystaltermination
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Nov 2016
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,029
Location: UK

17 Aug 2017, 2:35 pm

As someone who also attends a couple of autism support groups, I think it would be a good idea to find time to talk to your group's moderator/person in charge privately if you can - maybe they could get the group to establish some base 'rules', etc... that could highlight a few things and make it clearer to others what topics are inappropriate. Hope this situation is resolved and you can feel more comfortable. :/


_________________
On hiatus thanks to someone in real life breaching my privacy here, without my permission! May be back one day. +tips hat+


Canary
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Sep 2016
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 603
Location: Midwest

19 Aug 2017, 8:57 pm

That's one reason I'm hesitant to go to support groups, although I've looked into ones for both Autism/Asperger's and depression. Just showing up to one and talking a little would probably be helpful, simply seeing the actual faces of other actual people who are struggling.

Thinking of a bunch of single guys sizing me up or trying to sit way too close, get my number, whatever, while I talk about how lonely and confused I've been scares me though.



Magpie_01
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 23 Aug 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 43
Location: Europe

01 Sep 2017, 10:23 am

This comes a little late but I can definitely relate. :| I got in touch with a local autism support group and the person who's in charge told me that it's currently an all-male group because autism is a "male problem." That really put me off and I never went to any of their meetings. :?


_________________
Diagnoses: Asperger's Syndrome, Epilepsy


MindBlind
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 May 2009
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,341

29 Sep 2017, 7:41 pm

Wow, that's so inappropriate! I'm glad I've not dealt with that. I was in a group over the summer and the guys were nothing like that. They spoke to the women the same way they spoke to each other and never said anything sexually inappropriate. That's conduct that would get you kicked out of that group. Damn, I'm really sorry you had to put up with that.



Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

02 Oct 2017, 1:17 am

CSquared29111 wrote:
So there's an adult support group that I go to once a month (different from the one I facilitate for the local Autism Society), and I've been the only girl for a while.

I remember when I first joined, it felt like a boys' club almost. They all talked about wanting new members so they could have girlfriends and how "hot" they thought girls were. Luckily for me I'm already engaged (to another autistic who lives in the UK), so it was easy to get out of that one - for the most part. They're still bad about boundaries: asking for pictures (after I said no) and sitting way way too close to me.

Does anyone else ever feel nervous in groups like that? It just made me feel really unsafe and uncomfortable, especially as a trauma survivor. Do you have any tips for dealing with it? I kinda feel like it's because autistic people aren't seen as being capable of having such relationships, and consequently aren't taught about consent and boundaries maybe? I've tried really hard to communicate plainly that it makes girls uncomfortable, but sometimes they don't seem to care.


I would avoid groups that are not moderated closely by mental health professionals in controlled settings.



Empathy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Aug 2015
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,548
Location: Sovereign Nation & Commonwealth

07 Oct 2017, 8:00 pm

CSquared29111 wrote:
So there's an adult support group that I go to once a month (different from the one I facilitate for the local Autism Society), and I've been the only girl for a while.

I remember when I first joined, it felt like a boys' club almost. They all talked about wanting new members so they could have girlfriends and how "hot" they thought girls were. Luckily for me I'm already engaged (to another autistic who lives in the UK), so it was easy to get out of that one - for the most part.
Does anyone else ever feel nervous in groups like that?



I don't know why people call them support groups, if some members are just going to succumb to childish criticism of which stereotype is involved to maintain a group atmosphere. Its just more peer pressure added to your daily life. Support needs structure in order to make a group dynamic work.
I'd rather be a woman in a women's based support group, but in my country it would be capital based for my age ratio.

I do feel there ought to be more female groups that can offer familiarity and unspoken support but its basically not going to happen in the sense that you get a group set up and then, gradually, no one bothers to show up because they've either had enough of the group or whoever's running it. One-gender group drop ins are probably a better idea when they do exist enough, so they can set up a place that keeps people returning.

You can't afford to feel nervous, at least they're talking and not moaning! but if it doesn't work for you, then it would maybe be a good idea to look elsewhere for some 'informal' group settings or set one up yourself.



hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

14 Oct 2017, 1:41 am

I went to a couple of groups and didn't enjoy them so never went back. The "carers" or people who ran them treated the group members like they were stupid and incapable, when in reality the entire group was probably smarter than them.



RandomFox
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 30 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 265
Location: UK

18 Oct 2017, 7:15 am

CSquared29111 wrote:
I remember when I first joined, it felt like a boys' club almost. They all talked about wanting new members so they could have girlfriends and how "hot" they thought girls were. Luckily for me I'm already engaged (to another autistic who lives in the UK), so it was easy to get out of that one - for the most part. They're still bad about boundaries: asking for pictures (after I said no) and sitting way way too close to me.


Ohhh no, I wouldn't like this kind of attention at all!
I've never experienced being in an autism support group, but when I was an older teen, I used to go to a mixed group for kids with all sorts of life problems and this group was fantastic. We were all supervised by a trained psychologist and group activities were well structured. We also had an opportunity to talk one-to-one with psychologists. If there was a group like that for people my age, I'd join straight away.



Anna_K
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

Joined: 9 Jun 2014
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 453

10 Dec 2017, 2:25 pm

I know exactly what you mean. I went to one of those at my college one time, was the only girl there. The whole time they talked about video games and other things I had no interest in, it was really awkward in general. Being the only girl there I got a lot of (unwanted) attention and they all wanted my number and contact info right away which made it more uncomfortable.

I also went to a camp type program for those with disabilities aged 17-22 during the summer. I got asked inappropriate questions by a guy there about my sexuality, sex, and porn which should definitely count as some kind of sexual harassment. Another even thought I liked him because I smiled and said good morning (I'm just a polite person and I said good morning to everyone else too, not just him). He left endless messages and comments on my social media that made me really uncomfortable. I ended up blocking him on everything. They were definitely on the higher end of the spectrum and could've easily been told that they were pushing boundaries (yes I told them myself but it just didn't get through their heads so I had to take extreme measures). I don't think I'll be back at one of those again.

I agree with others on the thread and feel there should be rules and boundaries set in place. I also think there should be a female only group for those on the spectrum as I have not found a lot of women on the spectrum and I feel like I could relate to them, build better connections and feel more comfortable being myself.



kmb501
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jun 2015
Gender: Female
Posts: 98
Location: Texas

12 Dec 2017, 4:25 am

Being asked sexual questions and being asked to "hook up" definitely sounds inappropriate. I'm a little surprised that male Aspies aren't more popular these days, though, you know, with shows like Big Bang Theory that have characters based on them and Youtube stars who constantly parody people with Asperger's. For once, it feels almost "normal."

I haven't had any experience with autism support groups, except online, so I can't say either way. I actually would like to start dating, as I'm in my 30's, but most men seem to me to be too much into sex, and, well, it's uncomfortable and somewhat demeaning to become the object of a guy's misguided desires.